Trouble Getting Over an Affair?


Having Trouble Getting Over an Affair?


If you are having trouble getting over an affair, you already know that there are a number of obstacles to overcome. These obstacles include fear, regaining trust, dealing with mental images, the marriage bed, and unforgiveness. Let me take a few moments to deal with the issue of overcoming fear and regaining trust after an affair.

trouble getting over an affair

On High Alert


One of the reasons why spouses have trouble getting over an affair is because, after an affair, their emotions are on high alert. This is for the purpose of guarding against any future attacks on their marriage and themselves.

Emotionally, once a spouse is on high alert, they will be looking out for anything that would appear as if their spouse is still committing adultery. This is usually evident by their constant checking of phone records, questions about the day to day activity of their spouse, and ongoing investigative work.


You Would do the Same


If a thief broke into your house five nights in a row, what would be your response on the sixth, seventh, and eighth evening? Would you sleep with ease during those evenings? Of course, the answer is no.

When adultery occurs, the offended party feels that someone has stolen something from them. In their minds, their marriage, hopes, dreams, self worth, and the sanctity of their marriage was taken from them while they slept in what they thought was the bed of their marriage vows.


Do Not Make these Mistakes


In situations as such, I would recommend that the offender be wary of making the following mistakes:


1. Trying to calm the fears of the other with mere words


This is covered in chapter four of our marriage book. Long conversations about why the offended should feel safe are very futile. Good behavior over over long periods of time is the best way to encourage the other to trust you once again.


2. Getting upset that the other is on high alert


If you play, you pay. It’s really that simple. And, accepting that this is just another consequence of your actions will help your situation far more than growing impatient.


3. Giving up because you feel the offended party is so hurt


This only sends out the message that life is still about you.


4. Serving the other person with hopes of that Eureka moment when they will verbalize their life-long commitment to the marriage.


This only happens on the movie screen.

If you are having trouble getting over an affair, you may want to check out our 2-step process to resolving marriage issues. This is taught in our marriage book as well as our audio series called How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another.

Learn More About Our Marriage Resources
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- Learn about our proven, 2-step process
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Posted in Recovering After an Affair

4 comments on “Trouble Getting Over an Affair?
  1. Still Broken says:

    How to move on I am divorced now but still wonder what if. I take him back he does want to reconcile but I am unwilling to put myself or my kids thru that pain again I cannot forgive him. I feel that I have moved on but I have no peace. I was once told if you have no peace about something then it is not Gods will for you . Any advice ?

  2. Hurting In Ohio says:

    My mother tried to have me aborted twice back in 1966, yes it was illegal at the time, but by the grace of God I survived and when the second attempt did not work and my mother decided that for whatever reason I was supposed to be born. I grew up mainly in my grandparents’ house and my father actually denied I was his. His lose, not mine. I ended up with a stepfather that was abusive physically and basically grew up on my own. Both my stepfather and mother did not prepare me for adulthood. In high school I dated the same girl thru my second year of college and then we broke up after living together for 1 semester, but at the age of 21 I met the most incredible woman that I had ever met. She was also 21 and beautiful, smart, caring, & just what I wanted. I was not a Christian yet, but I thought I was because I knew who Jesus was and no one ever shared the gospel with me about having an actual relationship with Him and what that meant. She was a Christian and like no one that I had ever encountered. We started dating in August and quickly fell in love. We got married that October and she got pregnant on our honeymoon. So here I am 21 with a wife and a baby on the way, thinking this is great nothing could be better. While dating my soon to be wife she tells me that she doesn’t want me to change or give anything up. HUGE MISTAKE!!! I took this literal that I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to and could just live like I always had before. I was thinking that marriage would be sooo easy. While dating, everything was, so why wouldn’t marriage be the same way, with the only difference being that we could now be together all the time and it was ok to make love. We did not fool around while dating. Just prior to her accepting my proposal to wed, she told me that she needed to share something with me first before she could give me an answer. My heart dropped; somehow I knew what she was going to say. I believe God prepared my heart even thou I did not have a relationship with Jesus yet. There were 3 groups of people that growing up just made my skin crawl and I wanted nothing to do with them and felt like they should all be loaded up on a rocket and sent to the moon to live. They were 1) child molesters, 2) rapists, and 3) gays. Now before you fly off the handle, understand that I was young and not saved yet. My view on the first 2 has not changed, but now as a Christian I understand that with the 3rd group we are to love the person, but the sin they are in is still sin and not ok. So what do you think I was about to hear? Yep, she told me that her father abused and molested her growing up and that once her parents had her and her brother stay at a neighbor’s house and the grandfather their molested her as well. Like I said, God prepared my heart for what I was going to hear. My heart dropped and all I could think of to do was to hold her and tell her how sorry I was that she went thru that. Her father was a deacon at the church and someone that was respected by many, but not his daughter. He would be upset when other daughters would sit on their dad’s laps, but she wouldn’t sit on his. I wonder why she wouldn’t. I don’t know exactly how many years or how long she was abused.
    So moving ahead we are married a little over a year and with me thinking that I could do what I wanted, we had a lot of problems. I had NO idea what I was doing as a husband or father and did not understand why she would not be a part of my life. This was all supposed to be so easy, what is going on. With no one to talk to or to get advice from, I would just turn to what made me feel good or at least better. I was seriously hurting because she meant so much to me, but I was at a loss at what to do. While all this was going on and we are not communicating she was having issues with the abuse she went thru as a child and then on top of that this PREDITOR – JESSIE CANTRELLE (228-342-1851) that also lived in the apartment complex we lived in started talking with her and was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She thought we could all be friends. He was the same age as her father and had a teenage daughter (Tiffanie) that could use a woman’s presence as well as looked out for while Jessie was away. We both took an interest in Tiffanie and always tried to be there for her. She was welcome to come over whenever she wanted. Well unknowing to us at the time Jessie had a personal motive. HE WAS/IS A PREDITOR. He gained our trust and would come over to our apartment while I worked 3rd shift and watch TV with my wife. I was not aware of this and would not be ok had I known, but I trusted my wife like no one else. Like I said he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing and finally made his demands clear. He wanted sex. My wife made him leave when this became apparent by him groping her. Feeling alone and not able to talk to me with the problems we were having plus having issues with the abuse from her father and also thinking I was having an affair with my high school ex, she kept everything to herself. I did not and have never had an affair by the way. I actually wanted nothing to do with her. My wife thought that was the end of it until Jessie came back another night after I left for work. She thought he got the message, but he cared only about himself and what he wanted. Do to the abuse she took from her father, she finally quit fighting and gave in. She has expressed to me how she did not have a voice and begged Jessie to please don’t do this. He did not care about what she wanted. Some have called it an affair, but I don’t and that is because to me and based on definition and meaning. An affair is a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration by 2 willing participants. She was not willing and asked him every time not to do this and there was NO passion. He never cared and it was only about what Jessie wanted. She has expressed to me that she was not attracted to him and stated that she is disgusted by the thoughts of him, after all he was the same age as her father. He proved that people cannot be trusted and it is not safe to friends with the opposite sex. When my wife told me about what happened I left our apartment in a rage and went looking for Jessie. I WAS GOING TO KILL HIM!!!! God would not have it. I ran into him a few times and every time I did, I had our kids with me. You see right after all of this happened my wife became pregnant with our 2nd child and she did not tell me about what happened until after Jessie had moved away. So when I find out I started to question whether it was even my child. It is but I questioned and my wife even questioned during the pregnancy.

    Now the problem that I am dealing with is after reading SEASON OF LIFE a little over a year ago, I have had to deal with my past from childhood to the present. This includes my wife being molested. The first time he came over was to fix something that was supposed to be broken. Nothing was broken and I told me wife to stay away from him, that I did not trust him. I could see he was a womanizer, but he was also old enough to be our father and I trusted my wife, she even told me that he creeped her out especially the way he pushed himself in to fix something that wasn’t broken. This was his way to meet my wife and this led to us helping with his daughter and my wife thinking she could trust him. I feel a great deal of betrayal not just because of what happened, but because I told my wife to stay away and she did not honor me as her husband. I don’t know how to move past what has happened and my anger. I have prayed since my wife told me for God to erase my mind, memory, and heal our marriage. Last July, I actually even called Jessie to tell him I forgive him for raping my wife, he smirked at me and hung up on me.

    I have found out since then that he married his wife when he was 26/27 and she was a 17 year old that he got pregnant. They had 3 children (Tiffanie, Jessie Jr. & Stephen) and were married less than 5 years. Tiffanie ended up in a reform school after stealing a car, Jessie Jr. and Stephen are both dead from separate drunk driving accidents. If he would have spent 10% of energy on his kids instead of womanizing I am sure things would have been a lot different, but Jessie only cared about himself.

    Anyhow, if anyone reading this could please keep us in prayer, I would greatly appreciate it. We are currently on the brink of divorce because of this and I don’t know how to move past it.

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