I Peter 3:7 teaches that husbands are to honor their wives. What does this mean? How can a husband put this into practice? What are some practical ways that a husband can honor his wife? Here are a few pointers from Dr. Raymond Force, author of How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another.
The Actual Verse
If you are not well acquainted with I Peter 3:7, here is the verse:
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”
Before I Get Started
Before I give a few ways that a husband can honor his wife as I Peter 3:7 teaches, I have something to get off my chest. That is, this idea that the biblical model pushes women down is absolutely ridiculous. This notion has been purported by scripturally illiterate people that filter selected verses through their unbelief and misunderstanding of a holy and loving God.
In I Peter 3:7, we have yet another verse that teaches us that a biblical man does not use his position to push down his wife, but exalt her. In fact, if a man uses the Bible simply as a tool to control his wife, he is altogether unbiblical, and his spirit is contrary to the Spirit of Christ.
Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. As a member of His bride, the church, I can truly say that I am exalted all the more for my submission to the greatest Servant, the Lord Jesus Christ (Philippians 2:5). In fact, sin simply brought me down, but Jesus Christ, the church’s groom, lifted me up.
In the same way, a biblical marriage does not bring women down as much as it exalts their powerful, yet beautiful influence in our lives. That is, the biblical model for marriage does not demean women, it exalts them, provides protection for them, and promotes an atmosphere for them to do what they do best, exercise their femininity.
How Can a Husband Show Honor to His Wife
Here are a few ways that a husband can show honor to his wife in accordance to I Peter 3:7:
By adding value to her life
First of all, notice that I used the word adding. That is, marriage is to be an add-on to what Christ is already doing in someone’s life.
In our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, I wrote:
“I deem marriage to be the icing on top of the cake. That is, matrimony is a fringe benefit to what the Lord has already done in our lives. Unfortunately, some men and women have little or no cake upon which that icing can rest. In cases as such, their mates often grow weary in their attempts at blessing them as, deep down, I believe they know they can never take the place of God in their lives.”
By taking interest in her interests
This is a part of our 2nd step. You may read more about this in our marriage book or our article called How Manure Saved My Marriage.
By not discounting her words in front of the children
Parents should always work at establishing what I call a united front before the children.
By not criticizing her ideas even though they differ from yours
By maintaining an awareness of her emotional needs
Just as Christ knows what we need before we even ask, I believe a godly husband will maintain an awareness of his wife’s state.
By considering her viewpoint instead of dismissing it
Most of the time, if I make a decision that my wife is not for, it ends up being a bad decision. The same Holy Spirit that leads me can lead her.
By not exposing her to emotional temptations
If at all possible, it is best for husbands to cover their wives so as to protect them from emotional storms that they should not have to handle. If a husband fails in this area, he will often end up with a wife that hardens her heart to the point where she finds it difficult to show softness. The end result is rarely pleasant, and it often takes years for husbands to reverse that process.
Here are a few ways that a husband can protect his wife emotionally:
Be sure that she knows that you have eyes for only her
Lead do not drive
As much as is possible, be financially stable
Be open to the idea that you may not have it all together (most women are not looking for perfection, only honesty)
Make sure she knows you want to be at home and with her (a good night out is a good night in)
Be honest (not even white lies, they do not exist)
Work at being a blessing to the family
Check Out Our Marriage Book
To learn How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, check out Dr. Raymond Force’s marriage book which gives couples a Biblical and refreshing approach to solving their marriage problems. Find out more about our marriage book.
I have come to the point that ALL MEN ARE PIGS EVRY SINGLE ONE OF THEM …..YEA U CAN SAY I AM BITTER…….JESUS IS THE ONLY MAN I WILL EVER TRUST , BELIEVE IN . HE IS THE ONLY ONE WORTHY. HE IS THE ONLY MAN IN MY LIFE THAT HAS NEVER LET ME DOWN. AND THOUGH THE LAST FEW YEARS HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHOM HAS HAD MY BACK. TO SAY .I AM A CHANGED WOMAN IS AN UNDER SATEMENT. BLESS THE BROKEN HEARTED …….HE KNOWS OF EVERY TEAR
To say that you are bitter might be an understatement, but I don’t want to minimize the sufferings you have been through all those years. But, to say that all men are pigs is not a fair accusation. You don’t know the men that are around me, you don’t know my dad, my pastor, my best friend. They’re all great men that love their wives… That’s like me saying that all Walmart stores are dirty because of the ones I visited near my city.
I am a christian Husband, unfortunately, i feel as a failure. I have reached out to my wife, its harder because i know now my marriage is at a danger zone. I have avoided hints from my wife, not because i didnt want to address the issue, but because ive been bombarded w life issues and trying to avoid conflict by argument.
I feel like i have sacrifced so much, with her sacrificing nothin. Now my wife is leading to a divorce. I have not cheated on her by adultry. I dont desire anyone, she doesn’t hear me out no more. Her heart has harden. Im desperate and emotionally distrout. I feel unworthy of her companionship she avoids me, ahe refuses to believe in me, dispite of my Blessing her w continuing to help in any way i know how.
Shes givin up on me. I love my wife. Im scared and she has been the most inconsiderate person ever. Prayers please
Father, restoration and trust take time. Healing takes time. Forgiveness takes time. I ask you father. Stop time Lord. Make the Sun stand still. Make the universe halt. Heal our hearts. Mend them Lord. Unite your servant with his wife if it is your plan. Lift up this man. Breath into the dry bones and dwell in Him. Create in us the hearts you desire. In your Holy name. Amen
I have so much wanted a Godly husband like this. I have been married to a alcoholic for 5 years. I have prayed for him,stood beside him when he went into treatment and when he got out he eventually went back to drinking. Honestly I have lost all faith of it getting better. I am so discouraged. Please pray for me and my husband. I don’t want a divorce but I don’t won’t to go thru this anymore either.
Anonomous, Don’t be discouraged, there is still hope FOR YOU, when you have done all you can and when its all in Gods hands, then all you can do is continue to choose life for yourself, you are not responsible for his choices , you are responsible for yours and taking care of your emotional well being is imperative!. Faith without works is dead, we can trust God but taking action is important and that action can be to take care of yourself. I know that divorce sounds awful and that both leaving and or staying have consequences, no one can really tell us what to do, no one is in our shoes, they dont understand what we go thru, what we feel and no one will live the consequences of our choices, only us. but I wonder if the pain of leaving someone who doesn’t genuinely desire to put much effort into the marriage, into living a free life and loving us is worth the intense pain of staying. I understand your pain bcs Ive been in this boat for 11 years, he is currently on the top list for a liver transplant in a good clinic, it has reached this point… Ive dealt with fear, guilt and so many other bumps on the road that have stopped me from leaving. Its very hard depending on circumstances, sopport, upbringing and so many other things that im not even aware of, bcs being in this situation is hard, emotionally draining, discouraging, but one thing that Ive learned from this is that we are not how they treat us, or what they say to us, or how they unapprove of us with their look etc… we are daughters of the king, worthy of being loved, valued, protected, cherished and restored unto wholeness. Find peace in the middle of the storm, in Jesus, the good shephard, find good sopport from people who are wise, understanding and loving, bcs God can will turn our mourning into dancing, our sorrows into joy and I trust that he will as we continue to walk with him. We dont have to remain in this condition where we feel that we are less than and that we are victims, bcs we really aren’t. be encouraged, you are not alone, I trust that you will continue to grow in your walk with Christ and that as you do that he will continue to strengthen you and empower you with his wisdom and might to do what you need to do out of love for your husband, your children and yourself….
I know the pain all too well of not bei g honored by my husband We’ve been together since 1996,(both of us 17) married since 2008… we’ve separated numerous times due to him smoking weed , dealing drugs, doing drugs , being an alcoholic. He’s lied to me over and over and im broken. In 2010 I found out he was cheating on me after having our 3rd child. After that I started going to church & accepted Jesus as my savior, along the way my husband began going with me and we got baptised together. I was able to forgive him by letting God change MY heart. I had my own faults of screaming and yelling and never letting him talk and decided to let him have more responsibility in being the disciplinarian because i always was. He’s never felt like the “man of the house” . After everything I’ve done to fight for our marriage, I found out 3 mths ago he’s been lying and getting high for a the last year. I fasted recently,have been praying for us and our marriage to be restored but I’m tired of the lies, no trust & this dysfunctional life for me my kids. Lord knows I don’t want to get divorced but at this point he has no intentions to stop getting high so I’m left with deciding what’s best for me. I’ve been selfless for 20yrs. He don’t appreciate what he has.
Lord be with you, grant you peace and strength through your trials. May God deliver your husband fully and permanently from this temptation. Amen
Praying for you .. May the Holy Spirit guide you and all attacks on your marriage be broken in the name of Jesus … addiction spirit be broken and healing for both of them. God bless you.
I gotta say this really nailed where I am emotionally. My husband lives his life seperate from us. He does his own thing,literally pays bills,picks a fight,badgers me. Does his narcissim thing and repeats his cycle. What he actually may be doing,i am not sure. Bc i dont have time for the “negative”.
But he only sows it,thus me drowning in constant recovery mode. When i pray,i hear the lord tell me 10 years. This year we have been together for 10,married 8. I am hoping and believing in Faith for a miracle. What that miracle or Gods plan,I truly dont know. But i know he sees my tears,me in the lions den. Persecution for his name sake. Please be with me in prayer. Heavenly Father,please place your devine hands upon my marriage. Combine our hearts,for your glory,for your purpose. I give my spirit to you. Please forgive out sins,restore our love. In Jesus name. Amen
Many a time I’ve felt same as you, then I realized I was unforgiving and focousing on all his faults and not my own. It’s easy to see his faults and how he should change for me, hard to see what are my faults and then change, GOD will hold us accountable for what we did, not what was done to us!
Don’t get me wrong I do know what’s it’s like, we have to move ourselves out of the savior way so GOD the real savior can get a clear shot at him.
A good starting point would be to Thank GOD for him and pray for him daily at the least.
You got it girl right . N the nose.
I am so sorry. I’m going through the same thing. Dealing with a narc…..I’ve been married to him a year and 3months, together for 2 years. I’m in the process of separation because I’ve been on this rollercoaster ride the whole marriage and I’m tired of his bs. I don’t see him changing and a lot has happened. I’m so tired
I’ve been there too, he was having multiple affairs. No one is perfect, but please know your actions are not the reason for his. Ultimately, even if you are having a bad day, he can make selfless choices. However God is the Lord of the earth and everything in it, He has the power to change, and for us, He did. Stay strong in your faith, God works everything for good!
I feel your pain except he is the way he is and I pay all the bills. Ever since he tried to take control our the money using my check (he doesn’t work; fired from 3 jobs) and I put my foot down he doesn’t help with any of the bills. Be grateful at least you don’t have to worry about the money aspect of it. I will pray for your marriage that God would give you wisdom on how to best serve Him and what he want’s you to do in the marriage. I am married to a vulnerable narcissist although of course he say’s it’s all me and I am a crazy and a manipulative liar.
What if your Godley husband of 10 years is a good man , we both work , he helps me in the house , go to church together , we both have been married before I have a 24 year old son , we have no children together , built a new home together , but for 4 years we have not been sexually active , he wants nothing to do with me in that area , he has no sexual feelings at all , he says its not me its him , but he will not talk about it , if I bring it up he gets so mad , I have lost close connection with him , I’m hurting , he’s fine with it , I feel like we are just room mates Sharing the bills , I have asked him to go to a Dr maybe something is wrong , he refuses , he says he is ok with they way things are and I should be too , he is a momma’s boy and does everything she says , he is so afraid of what his parents think of him always , I can’t compete with them , they come first , I don’t want another divorce , I love him but I’m losing that love fast , when we fight there is no making up , he expects me to just forgive him and move on like nothing ever happened but he thinks he is always right in every fight , he will not except any fault of himself , he turned everything around on me like it’s my fault , I am a praying woman , I am a forgiving person , but my heart is torn so bad , I feel all I have is Jesus and he is all I need , I’m growing closer to God , but at the same time having a cold heart towards my husband just so I won’t want the sexual feelings towards him or anyone else , I have to keep all my passion bottled up so I will not expect anything from him , I have tried so hard to figure out his problem but I can’t , I have given it all to God but in the end I just exist in my marriage , no togetherness , no communication , just robots living under the same roof , do I just except the way things are and keep doing what I’m doing , I really don’t know where to go from here , I need prayers , we need prayers !!!
Yes that is hurtful, I’m sorry. He needs to be more transparent with you. It’s him? Well what about him? I honestly wouldn’t care if he got mad, he needs to understand communication is a huge part of a marriage. The lack of communication and getting defensive is concerning therefore it looks like he is hiding something he does not want you to know. In order to find that out, you need him to communicate and tell you the truth of what is really going on.
My boyfriend gets defensive when I confront him about things he doesn’t want me to know either. I did my own research and found out some truths that exposed his lies so I asked him one more time if there’s something he wants to tell me. He continued to say no until I confronted him with what I found out. Point being, When people get defensive like that, they want to hide information. My best advice is to get on your knees in prayer and to seek counsel on your own. God can do anything, even save a crumbling marriage. God bless you and your husband.
Count with my prayers. I can see you are a good woman.In a kind way with love,faith. Try to convince him and go with him to a doctor.Intimacy all the time i think is important
this is the man of a marriage of 25 yrs and together for 34 yrs . i hear you im not a doctor but have medical knowledge. as men ( we ) get older our testosterone levels drop considerably. just a thought … i so much want to reply to all of seem to be ladies for i have learned so much from my wife .. my wife covered our family till god showed me my place as a christian man .. ladies don’t give up on us men .. the father can a will change our thinking .. he showed me my wife is my wisdom and i must listen and hear god speak to me through her.. . if i go on my own thought more than likely it is the wrong choice . us men can be very prideful . because we want to show our wives we can do it all and take care of everything . but our wives need us to be humble like Christ wants us … it just takes us a long time to figure it out… god can an will do miracles in a marriage.. … but if a man ever raises a hand towards his wife .. first he is not a man he is a cowered.. second its only then should a wife leave out of protections for herself and kids .. my own manly opinion… a mans perspective .. after Christs heart and my lovely wife’s heart
There are more kinds of abuse then just physical abuse. A woman should leave in any kind of abusive situation. If a man can’t or won’t change then the marriage must end. Period! Abuse is abuse no matter the kind and rarely does an abusive man change. It can happen but usually doesn’t. If the church started respecting women then change might be possible. If the church started teach ing what the Bible actually teaches that husbands and wives are supposed to be equal and they submit to each other and that Christ is the spiritual head (in the churches definition of head not the Bible’s definition ) then we would see healthy marriages in the church. Then abuse and narcissistic behavior by men would decrease and the church would flourish much more.
Reading your story just shocked me because it was like I was reading a story of me and my husband.
We have been together for 9+ years, married for 8+ years.
The night of our wedding my husband didn’t touch me. The next 7 days as we were on our honeymoon I had to pretty much beg for him to be intimate with me. A few months later my husband decided, for the both of us, that their would be no more sex. Over the past 8 years we have been intimate maybe 5 times, if that.
Yes I’ve tried hard to talk to him to figure out why. I kept telling myself that it was me and my fault. I thought maybe because I gained weight, due to my disease, I have Crohn’s and Celiac Colitis. But my husband kept telling me over the years that it wasn’t me that it was him. He blamed it on his thyroid problem. Then said maybe it was a male medical problem. The excuses kept coming and changed everytime we talked about it.
My heart grew cold and I begged the Lord to take my sexual desires away and to never let them return. I asked the Lord to never let me feel any desires for my husband or another man again. Well be careful for what you pray for because God just might give it to you. I can no longer remember the last time my husband wanted me in a sexual manner. Yet at the same time I also can’t remember the last time I have had any sexual desires towards my husband. It has been like this now going on 5+ years.
I’m telling you all of this for a reason.
Never give up on your marriage. I know how hard it is to be the only one praying in a marriage. I know how it feels to have your husband look at you and to see and feel nothing. I am to blame for this just as much as he is, if not more.
I’m the one that gave up on having an intimate relationship with my husband. It was and still is my job to always pray for my husband in every area of his life and our marriage but I failed. I failed him and myself. I felt I couldn’t take it anymore so I stopped praying for that part of our marriage. What’s worse is I started praying against our marriage the second I asked the Lord to turn my heart cold when it comes to the intimate part of my marriage. I was wrong. By praying this I was pretty much telling God that I didn’t have enough faith in Jesus to heal that part of my marriage so turned my heart against it.
I know how hard it is for you but go back to Moses life. Sara wanted a child by Moses so badly that she took matters into her own hands and had Moses sleep with another woman. Moses agreed and that woman gave birth to Moses first child and son. As he grew older Sara told Moses she wanted him to rid the woman and his son from their camp. She did this out of jealousy but Moses did as Sara asked. Then one day out of the blue God sent an angel to Moses and told him Sara will give birth to his son. God also sent an angel to Sara and told her the same thing, that she will be giving birth to a son and she is to call him “Isaac”. Sara didn’t believe a word the angel told her. But God’s promise was still carried out.
So we must do the same. We have to choose NOT to be a Sara and we must believe believe in God’s promises. God’s promises are always true and righteous. We just have to continue to pray no matter how long it takes. Remember that God’s timing is not our timing. Keep praying and ask the Heavenly Father to give you strength to carry on no matter how hard or long the road is.
I’ve read through every story and haven’t wanted to comment until now. Your honesty has a purity of pain, if that makes sense. God did created a husband and wife to experience something beautiful through sex. That’s up to you, your husband and Christ as to what that looks like. But, to pray for that light to longer shine….it saddens me. Your message is your loyal, prayful, wise and have faith that God hears you and has the power to give you what you ask for. I pray that you would give your heart and marriage back to God. Let him know your needs and desires for husband. Ask for what you want, trust he will give you what you need. But, I believe he wants you to have joy. There is joy in a relationship between a husband and a wife. I have prayed for you. Your Creator has made you beautiful. Thank you!
Get his testosterone levels checked…
The Lord tell’s married couples to not withhold from one another. Except for fasting in prayer. I would seek to find the truth. Ask the Lord to reveal the truth to you and set you free from the pain. Amen
exactly my situation. i jst exist here because of my children. robots living under a roof. I really want it to end but i am scared of caring for the children alone
My sex, porn, and alcohol addicted husband has ruined our lives and left us in horrific circumstances. After standing by him after disclosures of the above and every kind of infidelity, a stint in the psych ward, sex addiction therapy and groups, his anger and hostility increased to progressively worse violence and abandonment. He left us (me and 2 pre-adolescent daughters) eventfully and after promising to get help, cut contact completely and served me with a ‘property settlement agreement’ with no notice that I was instructed within to take to a lawyer. Now we are in divorce proceedings as per all attorneys I consulted and my priest.
I’ve been taken for over $7000 in legal fees and haven’t even got a support order in place (after 7 months.) He left us in a house with no heat and a 20 year old car despite being a very high earner. I’ve moved twice this school year by myself with 2 kids and no help.
I feel thrown to the wolves by the Church (zero help), therapists, lawyers, every person I’ve gone to for help. Appeals to his family resulted in nothing but a gut-punch. They have no regard even for my children. A Catholic family of 9 whose parents were married 62 years.
This is the best the Church, society, my husband can do for his family who loved him and faithful and loyal wife of 18 years who would have done anything for him? Utter financial devastation and a nuke dropped right onto our family?
He won’t answer calls, emails, or texts and just spent 9 days in Niagara Falls. He never took a 9 day vacation the entire time I knew him.
This was a Catholic husband and father who was with his family at Church every Sunday. I’m ravaged and decimated and have lost faith in almost everything. Is there no recourse? My children will suffer for his indefinitely.
I am so sorry for your pain. Porn hardens the heart as it did to my ex husband, also. He left 8 years ago like I did something to him after he destroyed the love we had in our marriage through neglect and hostility. The church wasn’t much help but Jesus never let me down. I enjoy my life more now but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fall in love again. My children are still suffering.
Will pray for you. Have many blessings
I am going through the same thing with my Catholic husband who is from a family of 11. The church has not helped me, I’ve already spent over $10,000 in legal fees, his meddling family has enjoyed watching the drama unfold. Yet his financial debt, extramarital affairs, narcissism, compulsive lying are all my fault. My children are so confused as he has 50% custody and endlessly poisons them against me. He’s angry, paranoid, entitled, sex addicted, with a jeckel and hyde personality. Amazing how the church wants no part of divorce and won’t help us when we are in greatest need.
So sorry for all you have been through. Pray for justice for you. Justice goes 2 ways. You are the wronged one so ask God to repay your for your faithfulness and to deal with your husband not so you can have him back but so you can have justice (child support, ending of slandering towards you, your children seeing truth.)I have seen this work in my life.
I am so sorry for your tremendous suffering, and for that of your girls. The blog and FB page “A Cry for Justice” and the organization Give Her Wings might provide some encouragement and hope for you, Dear One. Give Her Wings provides financial assistance to women trying to leave their abusive husbands…
I have been separated from my abusive ex-husband for 3 years and divorced for 1. Getting free from him was a long and emotionally exhausting process, but my kids and I are more healed and whole with each day that passes free from his control and abuse. Although your church has not been supportive, there is a whole army of Christian women who have been in your shoes and are walking this broken road with you. You are loved. You are God’s daughter. And you are not alone.
I am in a real tough place,how do you let go when you been fighting to keep things a float and you don’t even get recognize for doing so. It’s like I’m one big nightmare and I am like were are you help me, I’m in need of your hand over my family this marriage my entire life and in those around me HELP ME LORD
Been through a lot myself.
My first husband, much like my dad used the Bible to control me and make me doubto myself and my own relationship with God. My father was a known abuser ,who was later saved. There was a conference every year I was forced to go to, I enjoyed the first time I went but after that it became a substance to control and abuse me. I married young to a preacher, I thought things would be perfect, surly I would not suffer abuse. Far from the truth. I was under a complete dictatorship and torn down daily.
My raising by my mother taught me to love, honor and respect my husband. I lived as someone else for nearly 10 years, we had 3 beautiful children. I do not see him as a bad person, just misguided. I was told that I would burn in hell for the divorce, and I don’t have the space to explain the mental abuse and manipulation that I went through. I personally hated dating and gave up on life again and moved in with my ex just for the kids. He wanted to rekindle our relationship, but I told him absolutely not. It was months later I met my now husband. He i saw as perfect, he treated me as I thought was right, but after marriage, he quickly changed. I didn’t realize the level of jealousy he had nor how controlling and down right mean he could be. I was back in my prison, but now had not just the responsibility of my 3 children but two more great kids,who I love. Many times I wanted to run and I grew cold from all of the pain. We were in church but he grew more ill with me. After raising the 5 children, my plan was to bolt. I knew that the kids needed a mom. I did all that I could. My husband was in two major accidents and during those times completely dependent on me and became nice, even told me he didn’t know how special I was. This life has taught me a lot, I wish I had known young. I started to pray more for my husband and that he was blessed and protected. My heart became soft again and God started to change us both. He is by far not perfec, nor am I. There are things that I should have done differently, I see. But, I love my husband and love watching him grow. I no longer get accused of doing wrong and he is kinder to me. I speak up, but not in anger when I feel his words are too harsh. For the first time, I get apologies and change.
Prayers and God changes things.
I am not saying stay with your abuser, but if you can see it in them which is difficult to see if you are not looking , pray first, give it to God.
It might not seem like I have been through a lot, but I didn’t go into the difficult and painful details. I am not living there and I don’t want to go back. But, I will say God delivered my husband and myself.
Lady have many blessings
I’m a woman that’s been hurt so bad by men.. my husband currently is an achoolic and angry person… but only when he drinks. I’ve asked him several times to stop but he won’t. he mentioned councling but backs out of it when I make appointments. his family is far away from us and my family dose not want to be around him at all so they distance them self from me and my children. I don’t want another divorce but I’m no gonna last much longer at this.
I am so sorry Amber. I have been where you are. It is not easy. Keep giving it to God and seek godly advice. Lean not on your own understanding. Do not be lead by emotions. Do the next right thing… Even if it is hard..I am praying for.you.
I totally understand what you are saying Amber. I am in my second marriage with the same kind of man. It’s been 5 years of constant strife and I am barely hanging on. But my oath before God keeps me going. God is the ONLY one who gets me up every day and puts one foot in front of the other for I no longer have the will to do so on my own. Remember God is good. And His paths are perfect. Let him walk you down his aisle
How do you get your husband to treat you like a wife is supposed to be treated? I mean, I’ve tried everything except divorce and I don’t want that! His needs and wants always come first, they always have. He works, brings home a paycheck, but so do I. Other than that, he’s probably the laziest human being I’ve ever met! He’s literally let our house fall apart, he refuses to fix anything, he’s the exception. He gets mad and throws a fit if I try to talk to him about his role in our marriage. He says it’s his business, his life. He promises to do better, says he’s just lazy, but never follows through. Does God want a woman to live with a man that says he loves her but doesn’t do anything to prove it? Why should a woman have to pay for her husband’s short comings?! It’s a horrible life!
Sadly. You are not alone. The Good Lord and my 2 blessings are my strength each day as he chooses the computer over me and our family. After 9 years, I am trying to learn how to live with or without him. I have been praying many years for the strength , and I have taken the first step. My blessings and I.dont sit around at home anymore waiting for him to notice us like we used to. Good Luck, God Bless. And know that your feelings are validated and God is Good!!!!
You have to seek God for yourself with all your heart…not pointing at your husband for not doing this or that. Speak life over him and good things. But don’t give the devil ammo by talking about your husband. Call those things that are not as though they were.
One of the best replies ever! I will begin doing the 3rd part bcz as a pastor’s wife Ive been doing the first part and 2nd part of your response already. The 3rd part of your answer opened my eyes. Thank you, and I pray for all of the other wives, who have posted here and are in pain.
Tell it Karla! I have read alot of these stories saying I want my husband to do this or do that but what I’m rarely seeing is you looking at you first. Most men have been pushed away by their wives. Take a good look at yourselves then ask God how YOU can be a Godly wife! Ask God to show YOU how to love your husband in the way he needs you to love him. Take the first step towards God and God will shoe you the next step towards healing yourself and your marriage
What a damaging, destructive reply to women. You have no idea what someone has done to try to make things right before they have come to the end of their rope and cried out for help or a listening ear. You should be ashamed and repent for causing more pain to a sister in Christ.
Totally agree with you Melissa. These women are pouring their hearts out and all you can do is pile more guilt on? Ladies you are in a very tough situation. Pray for justice for you and wisdom in what to do.
Book praying for your husband
I would suggest reading the Boone Boundaries in marriage.
My first marriage was similar to what you describe here. The 1st 14 years of it we put each other through every conceivable hell. The second 14 years we became close and best friends, again. I learned to accept his short comings as he learned to accept mine as well. We were well on our way to growing old together and perfectly happy with that fact. He was a carpenter. I knew that he didn’t want to come home and work on our house after working on others all day everyday for 18 + years. I accepted it. We had a roof over our heads and a warm comfortable place to sleep. So much more than most of the population of this world. He spent more time with friends than family during our first years. I hated that. As I spoke sincere loving words at his friends funeral I relayed that their hanging out didn’t make me happy but I was glad they got to because now they are both gone. They both loved Jesus and fishing. I had the honor of caring for my late husband as he lived his last days. Something he was surprised at initially. I loved him I would do anything for him and caring for him as he lay dying was the very least I could do. His main and seemingly only concern during his battle was me. He wanted me to be ok. That is it. In the end he was as humble, beautiful, and selfless as anyone could ever hope to be. It is just better to accept the things we cannot change. The strife we cause ourselves because we want others to bend to what we deem acceptable can be completely avoided if we quiet ourselves and look within. I know I am far from perfect. So why would I expect it from anyone else? God put that man in my life. Giving up wasn’t an option for us. He studied when he was done working at the end of the day. Flowers, the Bible, the news. He was not lazy, he worked hard and needed to rest at the end of it. Maybe if you learn to not be so critical of him he will change. Maybe not. But I know that being told you’re less than usually magnifies the problem. May your marriage be counted as a blessing and may you recognize that the man you love and married is a blessing to you as well.
Beautiful story. Thank you. My husband and I have been going the sane from day one we reunited. We have been together for 8 years, married for 6. We both work full-time and maintain two houses now. I am a caregiver to my mom, who lives with us and he helps, and he is a caregiver to his aunt’s first husband, who he calls uncle. This is his 2nd marriage, my 1st. He has 2 older kids, and we have 1 together who is almost 3 years old.
We have struggled all these years in communication, finances, trust, honesty, his ex and kids and family. We still do but I have gotten better of letting go, not caring as much, and accepting. Still hard to accept his lies, putting others before me, selfishness, and not caring about hurting me to look good infront of others or placing blame on me.
Overall, he is a good person, wonderful dad, and has been there for me through health and heartsaches. He is not physically abusive and no longer drinks, goes to bars, parties, drugs or smokes. The lies are the hardest part for me. I dont understand the need. His secrets and hiding stuff from me, i dont understand. So…i accept it and harden my heart. I do not want a divorce nor live one day without my daughter, my only child i will ever have who lights up my life.
Don’t give up!
Wow. This sounds like my story. My husband died June 22. We would have been married 39 years July 16th which will be tomorrow. I am 59 years old and have been with him most of my life. we had a rocky start but became best friends. He to got cancer about a year and a half ago. I also cared for him during this time. In sickness and in health, till death do us part. He was also so unselfish, and worried about me and how I would be taken care of after he was gone. It takes a lot of work and prayers to get to where we were in the end but it’s so worth it. I miss him so much but am so thankful for the years God gave us together. Don’t give up on marriage, put God first, pray often, look over the little things and thank God you have him. Some people go through their whole life alone.
My husband loved to fsh and was a carpenter also.
Your post spoke loud to me.. Thank you for sharing .. God Blessed you.
I totally understand! If you find the answer…please tell me!
Ive only been married 6 months on the 9th and its been nothing but strife, even before marriage. Literally uo until ghe day of our wedfing fighting…i knew i shouldn’t have gotten married but we were already there famiky wete already there from out of town money spent. Now its hell. I tol feel like im just roommating with my husband. But at least if we were only roommates it would be easier to leave. And to top it all off ill be 6months pregnant in a week….go figure. I too am in a marriage where my husband thinks all he’s responsible to do is go to work And school and that’s his reslonsibility. While mines is to also work and do the same hours as he along with the same money but to also take care of the house cooking cleaning and children, i have a daughter and do does he who visits us from a diff state throughout the year. While also meeting his over sexualized needs and wants while being 6monyhs preg. My needs and wants are never met including in the bedroom. When I become emotionally let downn i become emotionally detached which means sex means absolutely nothing to me. I feel luke we are just existing in this marriage and its too early to be feeling like this. We were onky together 1.5 yrs before married. We use to have good times prior to marriage….i guess what they say about marriage changing things is right. We are also very disrespectful to each other during fights and even when not fighting…..i don’t want a divorce but i dont want to live like this forever i watched my mother do it for 27.years. This downfall is mutually both our faults….is it worth saving….should we just cut our losses now since its so early….or do we continue on…????
A close friend gave me excellent advice when I got married. The way you allow him to treat you the first year is the way he will treat you the rest of your marriage. My suggestion…find a counselor who is honest and validatin to you (they are few and far between). Let the counselor teach you to hold him accountable. If a counselor tells you to submit more, run and never go back. Marriage should be a team not a dictator and a doormat. Husband and wife should submit to each other. That is actually the way a Biblical marriage works.
I believe a time comes when we need to set our values and demand the price tag be met.
I have totally been in your shoes. As you are focused and devoted to god, your husband needa to reconnect!! A man of god would not neglect, especially knowingly.
From a husbands view point as the sinner against his wife and finally coming to my senses and turning that corner to Christ and to my partner, I recommend to all husbands who want to be in a true and complete relationship with both, to take these thoughts to heart and to read upon any and all books and ideas that teach and guide you to be true and pure.
Praise God!! My husband could use a friend/brother like this to encourage, edify, and rebuke him.
Have you considered starting/leading a men’s group? I’m certain there are many wives praying for a faithful obedient servant to reiterate, teach, show, and be an example of these biblical truths to their husbands.
When I meet my Creator face to face, I’m going to ask Him why is it always one person in the marriage pulling most of the weight? I’m always ready to get help, counseling, get in the word and prayer to grow and be a blessing in the marriage and my other half doesn’t do anything. He is so stagnant, passive in regards to life, un motivated and when I bring it up he’s so defensive. I’m tired of being the grown up and putting in all the work in our marriage, both emotionally and financially!
There has to be one person willing to really die to self and walk in love and trust God to work on your spouse ! I’ve been there and it truly works ! God bless!
I love this!
It’s not always one person pulling the weight. Marriage is supposed to be about both partners giving 100%.God didn’t create marriage to be the way you described it.
I am in a similar situation Riri. Not the financial part but I am the adult, the planner, the main parent to our teens, I bring up issues to solve and it only ends in a fight. Very frustrating indeed.
because you have to trust God to change him, nothing you do or say will do that. You have to pray for God to Change him or put the desire in his heart to do the work. This truely works.
Stop going to your husband with the problem… If you’ve already done that and it haven’t worked, then STOP. Pray for The Lord to start intervening and in the mean time, start blessing him… I was in a difficult marriage and really,,, he says to take the plank out our own eye first…. What is The Lord trying to teach YOU thru this?
Mia. Thank you for your words. They ring so true.
Using scripture to beat someone into change will result in the reverse outcome and this is not exclusive to me only as I am experiencing this from my wife. If you think scripture is there to correct someone for your benefit, you’ve missed the spirit of the letter or the heart of God. “You who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness”. Correction without a spirit of gentleness, meekness and selflessness will make things worse. Obviously, it is not the right spirit. Reading Mia’s, Karla’s and others’ posts were encouraging and I wish I saw that in my wife but my hope is in God.
I have read most of the posts here and see the great mountains before so many here. Those are very hard situations and I would not be so quick to provide glib responses such as bring him to church but I want to share some encouragement to pour out your soul to the Lord. He bids us to boldly come to His throne in the day of need. He can and wants to take that weight and pain. It may take repeated efforts but do it and do it in faith. He loves honest prayers. We also need to learn that we are part of a body which has many purposes. We are not meant to be alone in this journey or battle. Connect with the body so we can weep with them that weep and later rejoice with them that rejoice. In the multitude of counsel there is wisdom. We must bear one another’s burdens. The voice that discourages is not of God. It is flesh or the enemy. Speak to that mountain to be moved. Speak life into that situation & into that person. Pray things that they should be and encourage them with the same encouragement and mercy you receive from from God but If you’ve blown it with a bad witness, reset and start over.
Lord, bring deliverance and healing. Let your peace flood those who are troubled and bruised. Soften the hard hearts and protect those who have been hurt from bitterness. Devil you are a liar and you have no power over God’s people and the spouse is sanctified through their spouse. Jesus you alone are able. Cause us to see your great power and faithfulness. Pour out your presence on these hurting children in their darkness and cause them to experience your love and strength. We cannot, they cannot, you can. Our hope is in you!
much of the previous “what if’s” can ben answered by reading the entire chapter of 1 Peter 3. what if we lived a life where Christ were to shine through us on a daily basis–for all to see? not only would our family and friends be greatly impacted (even those with the hardest of hardened hearts), but I think we’d change our outlook as well.
where do I go to learn to live this kind of life?
My husband is such a good man to his family…. his parents and children have always been first in his life. I have spent many years being so jealous and envious of them. I never get emotional support, when our kids were born he shifted his love from me to them,when I tried to talk to him he would say that when they were grown and gone we could focus on us… and recently my husband told me id never be his priority. I believe him. It’s very hard to accept but it’s my reality.
Pray and bring him to church.
I live this every day I am not his priority, his mother and his family come first and they do not respect the fact that I am his wife, I should come first.
I’m with you. His parents say horrible things about me because I won’t back to them. It’s pretty dysfunctional. I just wanted to be honored for who I am. So hurtful and frustrating.
I understand this, I live it every day, his mother comes first and our son and myself come second, I hate him, and it has come to that point in my life.
How to you fight for your marriage without fighting with one another when your husband is sexually addicted and an alcoholic?
Keep praying for your husband it’s not him it’s the spirit that’s in him ask God to deliver him from his lustful spirit in alcohol
If you can, separate from him. ( I didn’t say divorce.) And let him know you won’t tolerate that behavior. Your healing will start to begin and he will have to face his own behavior. And yes, by all means pray for him!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s extremely hard to deal, cope, and trust God has a plan in it. My husband is the same except, he’s an addict to the 3rd power- (porn, drugs, dishonesty and some alcohol). Trust is not even a word our marriage known to me.
I pray so much and ask God for healing over his addictions and also over my resentment.
I know this feeling all too well having dealt with a sex adficted( porn, affairs) and alcoholic husband. Resentment to the nth degree.
You can leave a husband who has had an affair and been unfaithful, it may be the only way to really heal
Pray boldly before the throne of
God to be filled with perfect love for your broken partner. We were never going to get a perfect partner and certain sins have more difficult and painful impacts on us as a spouse. Yours is no easy task. The only way I have seen these situations work out is to make sure we are filled with perfect love the only way to get that is directly from God. We then pour it out on our spouse daily. Forgive them daily, even if it’s minute by minute and keep pouring out the love. Smother them in it. Love your spouse as though they were perfect much like when you first fell in love, this is how God himself loves us. Thank your husband every time he takes out the trash. When he leaves for work thank him for giving his day to the support of the family and you and tell him what it means to you. When he compliments anything thank him and tell him how that makes you feel. If he opens a door for you say it makes you feel lucky to have a man who loves you enough to open doors, thank you for being so thoughtful. If he agrees with your opininion tell him it feels wonderful have your opinion respected, thank you for honoring me as your wife. Every single thing he does tell him one positive thing about how it makes you feel and thank him. I have seen men respond to this. Go out of your way to do loving things for him. Bring him his plate, a drink. And kiss him on the cheek. Rub his shoulders. Do all the things you would do as if you had just fallen in love with him and cherished your time together. People mirror behaviors. That’s your first step. And he’s learned a new way to accept how you communicate by saying when you do this it makes me feel like this. Then after a good long time when you are both treating each other more lovingly and the marriage is filled with love you can say, when you drink, it makes me feel scared. You can drop it at that. This is not an argument, this is you not being right. This is you letting your partner know how you feel. He is less likely to become defensive. If he does become defensive tell him I didn’t tell you so that we would fight I told you because your my friend and I love you. Tell him you know he’s not perfect just as he knows your not but that you have decided to love him as though he is and if he were to be perfect tomorrow you could not love him any more than you do today. Once you are able to drop lines about the things that are hurting you and start getting any kind of acceptance, any kind of respect for your position in these harms, that he is willing to acknowledge these things are hurting you and his responsibility to stop or change. Then you can have real adult discussions about how he can stop hurting you and does to have a right to hurt you. My husband gave up his very similar and or exact things you are talking about, I do not know who can see this. When I did these things. I did not attack him but appealed to his love for me and his desire to protect me from harm, that which he is hard wired for. He wasn’t making me angry he was hurting me, anger is a second hand emotion that comes from used up pain or used up fear of pain and in intimate relations has no place. I once asked him if I had pictures of men and I was looking at their bodies and comparing their six pack abs to his, or that square jawline to his, or the size of the man in a pictures penis and then imagine what sex was like with the man in the picture and got sexually excited for another man, a man I’d been comparing to him how would that make him feel. You should have seen the look on his face. It takes for ever to have communication where your husband trusts you not to attack him with accusations, assumptions, where it’s not about being angry, or being right, it’s not any good to make him defensive, you can’t work with a defensive man, he has to trust in that love and that your not on an attack your just talking with the person you love most, the person you need most, the person you trust most with the things that you can only talk about with your best friend. We are still working on the drinking but we want from a liter of bourbon almost every night to a pint or less every Friday night. He is Dr Jekyll, mr Hyde drunk and the reduction saved our marriage as much as me learning to fill our relationship with love and trust and gentle communication. He’s a hard core alcoholic and may never quit but 6 days a week it’s doable and one day a week I forgive. He never was going to be perfect.
I love you. This is it right here. We have to be a soft place to land. A man needs this as much as a woman needs the strength and protection of her man. God Bless you for sharing your insightfulness. Praying for God’s perfect love.
My heart goes out to you! I’ve been there and unfortunately it’s more common then people realize. Sex addiction is a serious issue in today’s world as porn has ruined what is sacred in marriages. Our society has become numb to inappropriate sexual content that it has now become acceptable and normal. It’s extremely sad. My advice to you is seek God. Ultimately God wants a relationship with you and it’s when we hit bottom that we finally look up. Live your life and let your husband make the decision to be part of it or not. You can’t change him or control him. That’s the hardest thing to accept. Trust in God and seek Him with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul. He in the calm in the midst of the storm and it’s when you seek Him with everything that you are able to hear his voice, know it’s him and what he is telling you to do. Prayers sent your way!
How do you get a partner to read this if he is unwilling?
I so agree just simply on what i see .This book should be given to every couple for wedding gift..Wish someone had given this to us..
What do you mean by being a blessing to her family?
What if there is no kids, what if free time is used for work, what if goals need to be met in order to be in a comfortable place:(
We are commanded to take the Sabbath as a day of rest. Even if you are busy all the rest of the time, spend that day together.