For men, romance starts in the eyes and then has a way of moving to the rest of the body. For women, things are a little different as romance starts in the mind, and, after that, she can make her eyes work from there.
Even at an early age, women start to get an idea of what they want their man, their marriage, and, consequently, their life to be. When these fail to measure up to their expectations, women are tempted to make what I call the mistake of mistakes by becoming a negative wife.
Most women do not marry the man they have as much as the man they want or expect him to be. When these two do not agree, many of these same women are tempted to try to bring about change or defend their cause by picking up what I call the sword of negativity.
The first step that we walk ladies through is rather simple: lay down your swords of anger, resentment, coldness, and hostility and start using Biblical weaponry.
The Foolish Woman
Women sometimes find lousy ways to promote change or defend themselves in a marriage. To be honest, and I say this as supportively as possible, some women are downright foolish in how they choose to fight for their marriage.
It is understood as to why some women feel hurt, betrayed, and devalued. But, in a difficult marriage, acting according to these very same feelings will only serve to drive away any hope of success. Rest assured, becoming a negative wife will yield few positive results.
Proverbs 14:1 says:
“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.”.
The tricky aspect of applying this verse is that most women do not consciously set out to destroy their homes and act in a foolish manner. If the truth be told, very few women leave the wedding altar with a motive to make decisions that are detrimental to their marriage. Nor, do many set out to be a negative wife. But, I have found that where women err is not how they cause dysfunction as much as how they react to it.
A woman’s response to a dysfunctional man or marriage is usually the dividing line between a wise and a foolish woman. It is there that she will prove the depth of her wisdom or the lack thereof.
We are Responsible for How we React to the Negative Behavior of Others
The scriptures indicate that we are just as responsible for how we react to the negative behavior of others as they are for instigating problems in the first place. This is evident in I Thessalonians 5:15 as Paul says:
“See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.”
In I Peter 3:9, after Peter finished dealing with the subject of marriage, he states:
“Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.”
A foolish woman may be right in her assessment of her husband’s faults and failures, but she is often unwise in how she responds to them. She fails to see that her negative reactions to his negative behavior are just as unbiblical and selfish in nature as his actions. She also fails to see how ineffective her emotional responses prove to be.
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Hello, thank you for this and the emails, they’re great, I’m buying the book soon.
You say that sometimes men need love and sometimes strength, I have realized that my husband needs strength. After years of trying with love, I realized he needs strength after reading your article. The thing is it is not natural for me to be that way, anything I do that resembles strength is really anger, thankfully God has given me the wisdom to be courteous even in my anger, however, I strongly dislike myself when I’m angry and it saddens me. I’m in this vicious cycle of anger and depression and resentment because my husband changed so much after we got married, I often think to myself that this is not what I signed up for. I have no problem accepting and dealing with difficult situations but, this, I feel tricked, deceived into marrying a stranger. Latetly I am so tired of being loving and courteous, I’m young yet I feel tired and rundown. I am so tempted to be angry and act agry because I reason he doesn’t deserve my kindness. So much cannot be expressed in a comment. What I’m looking for is encouragement and advice, I know I should keep being strong even if my heart isn’t in it until things improve and they have, I start feeling better and hopeful so I revert to my loving giving self and things go back to being disrespected and looked down on, so I assume I have to show strength but the way I seem to need to show strength is not my strength. Yes God will help me. He won’t give me more than I can endure, but I’m tired!!! I don’t want to endure more.Then I think outside my selfish world and I know I am blessed in so many ways and I feel ashamed for acting ungrateful. Feel, feel, feel ugh that’s whats exhausting. It is a vicious cycle.
Lina,
I am in a similar situation. As much as the negativity from him hurts, I go right back to the role of the submissive wife and let it be water under the bridge. The problem after awhile, is that I feel like I will drown if I stay on that bridge. We know in our hearts that they are good men or we wouldn’t have married them in the first place! I notice when I decide to not let my circumstances control my identity, I can live my life based on the confidence of knowing who I am in Christ- because unlike my circumstances- He is constant-MY constant. It’s def not easy, but staying in His word helps me when I need to show grace. Another book I would like to recommend is “Uninvited” by Lysa TerKeurst. It’s perfect for this situation. I’m reading it now (and I am NOT a reader) and I have cried knowing that aome of these passages were exactly what I need at this very moment. Hope this helps! Surround yourself with good Christian/
Godly friends and mentors!
I need to hear about this idea where sometimes my husband needs me to be strong. He keeps pushing me into that role. How can I learn more about that?
I really really really need personal counseling in this can someone email me?
This fits my marriage to a T, with the exception that it’s my husband behaving in the “woman” role. With that in mind, would this book be helpful for us? This article was spot-on but somewhat difficult to read because it was focused on the issue being a woman’s. Is the book written the same way? We have noticed this switch of role issues throughout our marriage. I wonder if others do, too?
Yes… critical, blaming behavior can come from either side. For me, even though it’s not easy, I find the answer is learning to walk in my own spiritual authority in prayer. I’ve had to stop trying to “explain” to my hubby, bc men are wired differently. I depend on God in each situation to help me with my words and attitudes. It is a learning process.