Laying Down The Sword of Negativity


For men, romance starts in the eyes and then has a way of moving to the rest of the body. For women, things are a little different as romance starts in the mind, and, after that, she can make her eyes work from there.

Even at an early age, women start to get an idea of what they want their man, their marriage, and, consequently, their life to be. When these fail to measure up to their expectations, women are tempted to make what I call the mistake of mistakes by becoming a negative wife.

Most women do not marry the man they have as much as the man they want or expect him to be. When these two do not agree, many of these same women are tempted to try to bring about change or defend their cause by picking up what I call the sword of negativity.

The first step that we walk ladies through is rather simple: lay down your swords of anger, resentment, coldness, and hostility and start using Biblical weaponry.


The Foolish Woman


Women sometimes find lousy ways to promote change or defend themselves in a marriage. To be honest, and I say this as supportively as possible, some women are downright foolish in how they choose to fight for their marriage.

It is understood as to why some women feel hurt, betrayed, and devalued. But, in a difficult marriage, acting according to these very same feelings will only serve to drive away any hope of success. Rest assured, becoming a negative wife will yield few positive results.

Proverbs 14:1 says:


“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.”.


The tricky aspect of applying this verse is that most women do not consciously set out to destroy their homes and act in a foolish manner. If the truth be told, very few women leave the wedding altar with a motive to make decisions that are detrimental to their marriage. Nor, do many set out to be a negative wife. But, I have found that where women err is not how they cause dysfunction as much as how they react to it.

A woman’s response to a dysfunctional man or marriage is usually the dividing line between a wise and a foolish woman. It is there that she will prove the depth of her wisdom or the lack thereof.


We are Responsible for How we React to the Negative Behavior of Others


The scriptures indicate that we are just as responsible for how we react to the negative behavior of others as they are for instigating problems in the first place. This is evident in I Thessalonians 5:15 as Paul says:


“See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.”


In I Peter 3:9, after Peter finished dealing with the subject of marriage, he states:


“Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.”


A foolish woman may be right in her assessment of her husband’s faults and failures, but she is often unwise in how she responds to them. She fails to see that her negative reactions to his negative behavior are just as unbiblical and selfish in nature as his actions. She also fails to see how ineffective her emotional responses prove to be.

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Posted in Advice for Women

18 comments on “Laying Down The Sword of Negativity
  1. Michelle says:

    I need help with a lot of things. My husband and I have been married 22 years. A year ago we lost our 16 year old daughter to a tragic car accident. After the first week, we have basically been living as roommates. We don’t communicate, no intimacy at all. I try to support him and his grief, but I feel alone in mine. I want us to come out on the other side of this together, but feel he is ready to give up.

  2. Gentle Spirit says:

    Wonderful thoughts by Dr. Force and commenters. I believe, even though Jesus walked the earth as a male, He is our example and the One to keep our eyes on. He was not impatient or critical, though He did express anger to pharisees at one point, but for a much greater cause than personal disredpect. He was not fearful or anxious, but He did express grief and sadness without blame. I don’t think scripture tells us to remain in a dangerous situation, nor to remain with a spouse who engages in infidelity. Jesus had boundaries, yet His words always seemed patient, wise and reflected no lack of respect for others or Himself. It takes self control (a fruit of the spirit) to manage one’s own attitude and behavior in a Godly, centered way when a spouse is acting out. The Holy Spirit can help us get control of our own triggers. We have much more power and authority than we realize sometimes. Again, this includes wisdom about when it is Godly to step away as well. Blessings and peace.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Way to go! Yet again the victim is blamed for the dysfunction. I realize the wife is not always the victim but by and large she is. You blame the victim for standing up for herself. Sometimes hard things have to be said. Sometimes the wife has to be the one to say them. You mention specificately people in a dysfuntional marriage. Anyone in a dysfunctional marriage must respond firmly sometimes and not take abuse. All this article does is heap more shame and blame on victims
    How about telling women to be strong and stand up for themselves. How about telling abuse victims to not stay in their dysfunctional (abusive ) marriage. How about telling women that the answer is not to submit more and their husband will stop. Oops! Of course that would take all the power from the men. Then the church would have to start teaching equality in marriage. Wouldn’t want that now!

    • Laura says:

      I tried the quiet, submissive role when my husband was treating me badly. All he did was get worse. He derived power from my meekness. Not until I told him I would not continue to live that way did he begin to soften and try harder to be kinder.

  4. Melissa says:

    No one should sacrifice themselves on the altar of marriage. This is a useful article in dealing with emotions, but certainly it should be communicated that no one is obligated to remain in marriages where love and respect are not mutual.

  5. Lina says:

    Hello, thank you for this and the emails, they’re great, I’m buying the book soon.
    You say that sometimes men need love and sometimes strength, I have realized that my husband needs strength. After years of trying with love, I realized he needs strength after reading your article. The thing is it is not natural for me to be that way, anything I do that resembles strength is really anger, thankfully God has given me the wisdom to be courteous even in my anger, however, I strongly dislike myself when I’m angry and it saddens me. I’m in this vicious cycle of anger and depression and resentment because my husband changed so much after we got married, I often think to myself that this is not what I signed up for. I have no problem accepting and dealing with difficult situations but, this, I feel tricked, deceived into marrying a stranger. Latetly I am so tired of being loving and courteous, I’m young yet I feel tired and rundown. I am so tempted to be angry and act agry because I reason he doesn’t deserve my kindness. So much cannot be expressed in a comment. What I’m looking for is encouragement and advice, I know I should keep being strong even if my heart isn’t in it until things improve and they have, I start feeling better and hopeful so I revert to my loving giving self and things go back to being disrespected and looked down on, so I assume I have to show strength but the way I seem to need to show strength is not my strength. Yes God will help me. He won’t give me more than I can endure, but I’m tired!!! I don’t want to endure more.Then I think outside my selfish world and I know I am blessed in so many ways and I feel ashamed for acting ungrateful. Feel, feel, feel ugh that’s whats exhausting. It is a vicious cycle.

    • Kris says:

      I am in a similar situation. As much as the negativity from him hurts, I go right back to the role of the submissive wife and let it be water under the bridge. The problem after awhile, is that I feel like I will drown if I stay on that bridge. We know in our hearts that they are good men or we wouldn’t have married them in the first place! I notice when I decide to not let my circumstances control my identity, I can live my life based on the confidence of knowing who I am in Christ- because unlike my circumstances- He is constant-MY constant. It’s def not easy, but staying in His word helps me when I need to show grace. Another book I would like to recommend is “Uninvited” by Lysa TerKeurst. It’s perfect for this situation. I’m reading it now (and I am NOT a reader) and I have cried knowing that aome of these passages were exactly what I need at this very moment. Hope this helps! Surround yourself with good Christian/
      Godly friends and mentors!

    • Barbara Thompson says:

      I need to hear about this idea where sometimes my husband needs me to be strong. He keeps pushing me into that role. How can I learn more about that?

  6. Jules says:

    This fits my marriage to a T, with the exception that it’s my husband behaving in the “woman” role. With that in mind, would this book be helpful for us? This article was spot-on but somewhat difficult to read because it was focused on the issue being a woman’s. Is the book written the same way? We have noticed this switch of role issues throughout our marriage. I wonder if others do, too?

    • Gentle Spirit says:

      Yes… critical, blaming behavior can come from either side. For me, even though it’s not easy, I find the answer is learning to walk in my own spiritual authority in prayer. I’ve had to stop trying to “explain” to my hubby, bc men are wired differently. I depend on God in each situation to help me with my words and attitudes. It is a learning process.

  7. Natasha Scruggs says:

    Dr. Force,

    I must let you know that in all my life and all the advice and articles I have read I have never seen anyone so on point on both sides. Knowing the wisdom God gives through His Holy Spirit I am able to understand how you can explain not only from a man’s point of view but a woman also. Something else, it is as if you can see the hearts of both parties. You are anointed to do this. Great job!

  8. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for this write up.

  9. Tinzy says:

    You are very right, reacting cold, angry and distant hasn’t brought different results. Even though that’s the way my husband behaves himself, someone has to take “the higher road”.

  10. grace says:

    This is obviously intended for normal marriages and not those that have dealt with narcopath abuse. Nor is it helpful for women who may be cptsd.
    I think I’ll stick to support groups, my bible and a discerning of interpretation by the Spirit

    • I am not sure what you want the article to say. Do you want me to recommend that ladies respond with anger and frustration toward their husbands? Also, is it possible to deal with every possible exception in a 300 to 500 word article.

      Food for thought,

      Dr. Force

    • Anonymous says:

      I barely survived a relationship with a narcopath and am now enduring cptsd and I STILL found this SHORT excerpt a good reminder of being MINDFUL of my “feelings” vs my behavior which can be applicable with any person friend, family, or spouse. The way to overcome the long journey of cptsd is remaining mindful of feelings and perception vs reality and how that influences our behavior…often projected negatively.

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Marriage and Relationship Coaching

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  • A Biblical and Refreshing Approach