In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negativite aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
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This is very true in a since if the wife didn’t come already with her own weeds she never gave any real attention to before she got married. You talk about husbands but u are very one sided with your article. What about the wife having a responsibility to her husband. In loving him to the degree the bible says. Wives submitted/honor your own husbands. But because if her weeds of distrust, rejection, bitterness, anger she can’t and doesnt. Your position would be totally correct if she the wide was already doing all she should have been doing. It’s a shame but a lot are not wil not even take responsibility for her own actions but will keep blaming him. It takes 2 to mess up a marriage.
There are 172 pages in our marriage book. The article gives 3/4 of one of those pages. Our other 171 pages certainly deal with a woman’s responsibility. You happen to simply be reading one excerpt that is accentuating the responsibilities of a husband.
Keep in mind that in a 300 to 500 word blog post, we will not deal with all angles of a situation nor provide every exception and/or disclaimer.
Thank you,
Hitting Home
Womanly respect is a catalyst for manly love. Without the wife’s respect, the husband’s action of love is one sided, resulting in a 50/50 chance of survival.
“Womanly respect is a catalyst for manly love.”
I respond in love, but nothing can be further from Biblical truth. If this is the case, then the woman actually plays the man in the relationship as it is her respect that becomes the foundation for success.
Christ did not come and redeem a respectful church. He gave Himself for an unbelieving people that were living in a disrespectful manner to His ways. It was Christ’s love that inspired our respect toward Him.
We all see in part, and we are all attempting to hit the nail on the head, but I would have to disagree with your post. You may do well to read my article called The 6 Paradoxes of Marriage for Men.
Dr. Force
So tired of men who expect to be “head of the home”, but base all their actions on the wife’s behavior. Have you any self discipline of your own? Man up. Do what God tells you to do because it’s right , not because you think you deserve a reward.
It take 3 to fix it. Each take their own faults to God and work on themselves. Not one sided, as the head, husband shoulders ultimate responsibility. BUT I am sure there is equal info on this teaching about the wife’s duties and responsibilities to the marriage. Each should also lift spouse up to God in prayer as He is the other member in marriage. The vows are spoken to God about your spouse so it makes sense to tell him where your spouse is weak and He will make the strong. A 3-fold cord is not easily broken.
I would say both of you are right but many men have their own unique desire of what a marriage is.. it was told to me to submit to my husband and I did.. what he did in the relationship I forgave but he couldn’t continue with our marriage because of his guilt.. I moved on.. I felt ashamed as a wife and unwanted.. then my second husband came and I tried to understand what he was going through( dealing with my insecurities).. that baggage became the evil in my marriage!!! But it stemmed from my 1 husband.. so women are brought to a point where we can’t forget what happen. We don’t wanna have to be torn down like that again.. that’s just my take on this!
Since the first humans, the Blame Game has been going on. “The woman You gave me…”, so it is our human tendency to Blame one another for our problems, even in a marriage. But there is something that is different in this relationship, and that is Kingdom Order. The man is commanded to “love his wife”, but I have searched the scriptures, the woman is never commanded to love her husband. I think this is because wives intrinsically do. Submission is another issue, a choice. But women are responders. They respond to their leadership. Men are supposed to be our head, our leader, with God as your head. Responsibility falls more so on the one in leadership because of the great responsibility God has placed in this position of spiritual headship.
You wrote:
“but I have searched the scriptures, the woman is never commanded to love her husband.”
You searching must not have included Titus 2:3-4 which states:
“The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,”
Dr. Force
When the scriptures say to “love”, was that just to the men? Was that just for wives to love everyone excluding their husband but including their enemies? Slow down, Holly.
You’re right, men have a lot of responsibility and have done lots of harm. Focus on yours. Philippians talk about esteeming others more highly than ourselves. Let us all reflect humility.
My husband and I have been together for twenty years, married for twelve of them. We were very young when we met and we were very far away from God. We were wild and recklesss with each other, making poor choices which resulted in an abortion before we got married. Three years into our marriage God found me in the bottom of a pit and gracefully and mercifully rescued me. I’m so thankful, however now dealing with the result of being unequally yoked. We now have two children, ages seven and nine and we are so far apart from each other. My mom was a strong military wife and often played both roles as parent when my dad was deployed so I grew up watching her be very much in control and emasculate my dad. This mindset has continued and I am desperately fighting against the Jezzebel spirit in me. My husband can’t lead if I won’t let him, and he is stubborn and hurt and angry beyond belief. He has withheld affection and love which has caused me to with hold respect for him. I’m so lonely and sad and have been in my prayer closet for so long I’m wondering if God even hears me. Im at threshold of just emotionally giving up and staying together for the children. I am seeking HEALING for my past sexual immorality because I now understand how that influenced us a couple. He seems unwilling to attend any counseling with me, and almost like he doesn’t view anything is even wrong. Please help me shine the light so God can change his heart. Please help me be a submissive life speaking wife without being a doormat. Please help me not carry unforgivingness in my heart and let bitter roots grow. I know Satan would rather have me angry at my husband so I can’t pray for him. This has been going on for seven years, and I’m so tired and weary.. Tjhanks
I know it can be draining. Your life sounds so much like mine was as a married woman. We chose tof go the route of divorce. Huge mistake. If you can salvage your marriage, do whatever it takes. Don’t stay together for the kids, stay because of the commitment you made to God. Find a way to break the bonds of your past and do not emasculate your husband anymore, like I did mine. Divorce is so painful for all involved and so damaging to your kids. You’ll also damage them if you stay only for them and give up. You will eventually reach a point where the door opens to infidelity because he needs to feel like a man. I know how painful it is when he withholds affection. But it is good that you understand the root cause of that. Just don’t give up. Fight for your family.