In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negativite aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
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I’ve been married for 9 years and me and my husband are 15 years apart, when I meet him I already had two children from a previous relationship of 16 years not married, he was 19 and I was 35 I know bad decision on my part but something just clicked between me and him and right away he told me that he was going to marry me and I was going to be his wife, of course I didn’t pay it no mind but I got pregnant and 8 months later we got married, since then every year he’s asked me for a divorce and I prayed to God and we always ended up staying together we are both saved but don’t attend church as much, now we bought a house and the divorce issue has came up again, he told me that he doesn’t love me and hasn’t for awhile but stayed cause of the kids and I wanted him to stay, he’s very selfish person doesn’t show our kids any kind of love or affection cause he says he didn’t get it growing up, I have 3 boys with him plus my other 2, he’s cheated on me several times and I’ve taken him back now he’s getting out of the military cause he is sick but I don’t understand how can a person be with someone for so long and fake it for so long, I love him dearly but he says he’s going to let me know if he wants the divorce or not by the end of this year, he said he wants to observe me to see how I treat him and show him my love but I’m hurting so much cause he’s all about himself and his needs, he didn’t even think our last child was his and wanted a test to see if he was his but I’ve never cheated it was always him, don’t know what to do.
I am in the exact situation you described. I have been married for 25 years to my husband.I was raised on a mission field and had a very good example of what a loving husband is by watching how my dad took care of my mom and us 3 children(all girls).
when I met my husband he was involved in church he was in his Bible daily he seemed and acted and was (is) a good Christian man. he is a wonderful provider and he loves his children but for the past 10 years he has completely turned his back on God and during that time he has become very bitter himself. I am to the point that I am just at a loss at what to do for him, for me, for my kids and for our marriage. after years of him telling me that biblically I am NOT a good wife and I am NOT doing what I’m supposed to do according to the Bible I have pretty much stepped away emotionally and physically. I moved out of our bedroom. It’s like I have a roommate. recently I found a counselor and I am going and she’s helping me to realize a lot of things about myself and about his reactions. Myquestion is how do I heal from this? How do I help him see he is the head of the house. He does nothing as a spiritual leader in our house and it is draining to me. My son and daughter see this and are seeing anaweful example. Especially my daughter. Just at a loss. There is too much to put in his question. So confused.