If you are looking for answers on how to win your husband back (or your wife), we are offering Christian-based help. Mark it down, however, a spirit of desperation will do little to help you to win your spouse back. Here is some Christian-based advice on this subject.
The Desperate Spouse
Expectations can be a manifestation of true faith in the Lord (Hebrews 11:1) or they can grow out of a selfish desire to see problems eradicated as quick as possible. More times than nought, they are weeds that grow out of the roots of fear, greed, and impatience.
There will be some that are reading this book that are desperately trying to win back their spouse. These individuals usually do not err in what they are doing as much as how and when they expect their spouse to come around. Behind their random acts of kindness and words of encouragement is a heat that is burning with expectation. This is always a grave error for those looking for answer in how to win their husband back as well as their wife for a number of reasons. Below, I have listed one of them:
Higher expectations lead to greater resistance.
If you are in a troubled marriage, you are potentially in what I call hyper-fix-it mode. Fearing divorce or separation you may be saying and doing all the right things with a great amount of intensity, but to no avail. It may seem that the harder you chase, the faster the other person runs away from you. If it appears that way, it is because it is so. You are the hound that is chasing the fox in that as you up the chase, the other person runs away with even more vigour than before. To be frank, this is very detrimental if you want to know how to win your husband back.
At this point, your perception is probably that the other person is unthankful, hurt beyond repair, or hard-hearted because of their unwillingness to reciprocate your love to them. It is entirely possible that you have come to the wrong conclusion. The problem may not be with their willingness as much as with your lack of understanding.
It seems that few people see that their expectations have a way of pressurizing their marriage. They cause an air of tension in a home that is so thick that, at times, one could almost cut it with a knife. As long as this tension exists, even the most dramatic changes will be met with resistance as no one likes to feel pressured into changing, nor do they want to be sold on the marriage.
You may be going through the day hoping that this is the day your spouse comes around and owns the marriage. Behind every kind word and loving deed is a spirit of anxiousness that is awaiting that tv moment when the other person falls into your arms and verbalizes their lifelong committment to the marriage. The only problem is that this typically only exists in the movies as people normally change here a little and there a little.
Bury the Seed of Expectations
If you feel that I am hitting home, a tweak in your spirit may be in order. This is a crucial step for those of you that want to learn how to win your husband back (or your wife). You will be wise to do what I call burying the seeds of expectations.
I can buy the best gardening seeds that money can buy, but if I never bury them in the ground, they are worth but little. Jesus even spoke to this end. In John 12:24, He said:
“Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit.”
There is a sense where your expectations are like a packet of seeds. Until you bury them, you will probably fail to see much fruit.
If your spouse feels there is an ulterior motive behind everything you do and say, you will almost always be met with some form of resistance. If they perceive that your primary objective is to remedy yourself of a problem rather than to love them unconditionally, they will resent even the most sacrificial forms of love.
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I watched the video on the book and it made me cry. I wish my husband would receive your message and give it some thought. The more he explains and defends himself the taller I build my walls. I have been married for 6 years and we have two children. I am so angry with him. We both waited a long time to get married. I used to be so confident and happy. I actually liked myself but he makes me feel so stupid and weak and undeserving of his love and understanding. I feel lost for the first time in my life. When I tell him how the lack of his attention, love and understanding makes me feel he says he has nothing to do with that. I feel like he is torturing me mentally… Criticizing nonstop, pushing me and provoking me just so he can accuse me of fighting when I react and defend myself. Wishing the first year of marriage he started threatening divorce every time we had a big fight. He still does and I can’t take it anymore. I have turned so bitter and angry towards him and how he treats me all the while demanding I change and submit to him. I feel like he wants to break my spirit. I can’t take it much longer.
Anna
My heart breaks for you and it also knows exactly what you are going thru. It is so hard and frustrating. Ive been married for almost 13 yrs and we have two boys. My husband has become so selfish and says such hurtful things to me i literally have anhard time looking at him. The lies, the stuff he does behind my back, the lack of love and attention is heartbreaking emotionally and physically. He says divorce all the time. And he changes his mind all the time. One week he will own up to what he has done and act remorseful and be the husband i want and then the next week he gets distance and ignores me and says he thinks we cant live together or that he only needs me for sex. I am confused and hurt and my heart has hardened towards him. I dont want to be a doormat anymore and feel like i have to keep my mouth shut and take the emotional abuse because we as wives are to be submissive but it is so hard when the husband isnt loving his wife as God lived the church. I feel like God wants me to always take these hits and be a punching bag and im tired of waiting for my husband to grow up. I love him and dont want a divorce i just want him to be the man he has been before and just love me. Its so hard to know what to do. I dont want to damage my kids more than we already have. Broken homes dont do them any good either. I pray and pray and pray and i feel so alone and feel God isnt listening. I have a hard time having faith that he wants only good for me because for the past three yrs it has been horrific and i dont know what to do or how mugh more i can take. And everytime i see my husband change and i get a glipse of hope it is quickly taken away and we are right back to where we started. Why does it seem like those who act so bad or are so far from God are able to glide thru life and be happy and those that try and are nice and want to have God in their life keep getting knocked down. The devil is winning in our marriage and i hate it. Im scared and angry and sad. I pray for you and your family and that your husband treats you soon like the queen you deserve to be treated like. No one deserves to be put down. But if we do to them what they do to us then they get mad. Makes zero sense to me?! Ive been lost for yrs now and feel like i will never get out of this hole until I die. And so what does that mean? We r to be miserable and beaten down everyday on earth but keep taking it so we can have peace and love one day in heaven?? I wish you the best and will be praying for you
Why do Christians take so much crap.
God never intended you to be a punching bag.
Jesus took it. We do it in His strength. By keeping our eyes on Him. For our every need.
God is not the one not listening, maybe it is us. Everytime the man belittles you, hits you, demeans you, especially in front of your kids (who are learning how to treat a woman from this man) –God could be giving you the answer–“leave, get out, stop being a doormat, leave before he teaches your kids that women are worthless punching bags.” Yes we are to be submissive, but only to the man that is a God loving and God fearing man that is following Christ. Would you be submissive to your husband if he told you to stick a needle of heroin in your arm?? NO that is satan’s work. Pick your heads up, get your self esteem back, You ARE worthy of Gods love –he made you perfectly and fearfully, and take your stand and leave. You don’t need a man —But the right one will be sent to you. In God’s time. How do I know?? After 2 failed marriages to abusive, violent, drug and alcohol addicted men, (the second one swore he was a God fearing Christian yet he would scream at me for hours and get so drunk he peed the bed–and was so paranoid I had to look at the floor or ground every where we went to ensure I wouldn’t see another male on the planet, and he even through me thru a solid wood door and put a gun to my head) I don’t speak if I don’t know. The first man, my boys dad, almost as bad, and messed my second child up emotionally. The second husband is deceased now, killed for running his mouth to the wrong person, God protected me and removed him. We were separated at the time. Take your kids and GO!!! Just pray for courage, peace and strength and leave and don’t look back. You will be ok, I am proof.
I’m in a situation that my husband filed for divorce but the papers were rejected 3x by the court. The 3rd time he filed I felt very betrayed but needed time to find somewhere to live. I kept asking for us just to stay loving and caring and not argue until u could move out my thought us I’ll never get to hold his hand, kiss him, or make love to him and none of this obviously can occur with anyone else as there is no infidelity on my part. He has told me many times to leave, and that it’s his house etc even kicking me out of our bedroom. The final papers caused me to have to make “me” decisions instead of “we” I bought a house instead of paying rent which is pretty equivalent without the tax break. Now my husband just expects me to come home and has said he won’t allow this separation state, but he’s done many deceptive things and I just don’t feel safe or secure. Plus now there is absolutely zero remnants of me in his house. Yes there was abuse yes we went to counseling for a couple months had mentors spoke with pastors. To no avail. My friends and family say they’ve seem my normally thriving happy outgoing self deteriorate in constant confusion. I love my husband dearly and I want restoration and reconciliation and breakthrough. Your book makes complete sense but I feel that I have sacrificed myself to the abuse in hopes he’d soften and follow God’s way. He is a very good man who has a heart after God but there are so many patterns in the cycle that need broken. I need to know when is it ok to go back? Am I disobedient to my husband and worse yet God because I need change and for my husband to rebuild all the trust he lost? I feel I need more time he says it’s because I’m selfish and avoiding daily accountability and want to do what I want to do. The truth is I love my husband and want to be with him. Help please.
You wrote:
“I need to know when is it ok to go back? Am I disobedient to my husband and worse yet God because I need change and for my husband to rebuild all the trust he lost?”
You are married to a husband that needs strength mixed with a kind spirit. There is nothing wrong with drawing boundaries and conveying those boundaries to him in a respectful manner. Though the scriptures teach that softness is powerful (Proverbs 25:15), we also find the apostle Paul in Acts 16 commanding respect from those that would abuse his person and reputation.
Thank you,
Dr. Force
Marla
I feel like I just read my story. Right after we got married, HE WOULD SAY get out of my house, leave etc. He would say this is my house, my this, my that. I make a lot more money than he does and moving isn’t a hardship for me, but I feel The Lord gave me some promises for this marriage. When I have stood firm and prayed and fasted, of course the enemy hates that and comes even stronger. I’ve sought The Lord regarding all of this. He has reminded me that my battle is NOT against my husband. He has helped me to go into the quiet place. Wanting to make sure that I wasn’t inadvertently doing something to bring this about out of my own hurts or brokenness. This is a tough thing. God is a healer.. I either believe that or I don’t. On the other hand What if my husband has a mental illness. Which I still say God can heal. So I moved out one time. I had had enough of the threats. I was gone 6 months. Not enough change to move back in even though it seemed there was. Next time around was worse. Repentance is obvious. Without it I say no to going back too soon. I know the enemy hates marriages, so he hates you and your husband. Seek The Lord, he has the answers. I’m in the same place and I feel we need a miracle. It’s good I believe miracles happen everyday and that nothing goes without The Lord seeing. NOTHING. BE ENCOURAGED IN CHRIST YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE.