If you are looking for answers on how to win your husband back (or your wife), we are offering Christian-based help. Mark it down, however, a spirit of desperation will do little to help you to win your spouse back. Here is some Christian-based advice on this subject.
The Desperate Spouse
Expectations can be a manifestation of true faith in the Lord (Hebrews 11:1) or they can grow out of a selfish desire to see problems eradicated as quick as possible. More times than nought, they are weeds that grow out of the roots of fear, greed, and impatience.
There will be some that are reading this book that are desperately trying to win back their spouse. These individuals usually do not err in what they are doing as much as how and when they expect their spouse to come around. Behind their random acts of kindness and words of encouragement is a heat that is burning with expectation. This is always a grave error for those looking for answer in how to win their husband back as well as their wife for a number of reasons. Below, I have listed one of them:
Higher expectations lead to greater resistance.
If you are in a troubled marriage, you are potentially in what I call hyper-fix-it mode. Fearing divorce or separation you may be saying and doing all the right things with a great amount of intensity, but to no avail. It may seem that the harder you chase, the faster the other person runs away from you. If it appears that way, it is because it is so. You are the hound that is chasing the fox in that as you up the chase, the other person runs away with even more vigour than before. To be frank, this is very detrimental if you want to know how to win your husband back.
At this point, your perception is probably that the other person is unthankful, hurt beyond repair, or hard-hearted because of their unwillingness to reciprocate your love to them. It is entirely possible that you have come to the wrong conclusion. The problem may not be with their willingness as much as with your lack of understanding.
It seems that few people see that their expectations have a way of pressurizing their marriage. They cause an air of tension in a home that is so thick that, at times, one could almost cut it with a knife. As long as this tension exists, even the most dramatic changes will be met with resistance as no one likes to feel pressured into changing, nor do they want to be sold on the marriage.
You may be going through the day hoping that this is the day your spouse comes around and owns the marriage. Behind every kind word and loving deed is a spirit of anxiousness that is awaiting that tv moment when the other person falls into your arms and verbalizes their lifelong committment to the marriage. The only problem is that this typically only exists in the movies as people normally change here a little and there a little.
Bury the Seed of Expectations
If you feel that I am hitting home, a tweak in your spirit may be in order. This is a crucial step for those of you that want to learn how to win your husband back (or your wife). You will be wise to do what I call burying the seeds of expectations.
I can buy the best gardening seeds that money can buy, but if I never bury them in the ground, they are worth but little. Jesus even spoke to this end. In John 12:24, He said:
“Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit.”
There is a sense where your expectations are like a packet of seeds. Until you bury them, you will probably fail to see much fruit.
If your spouse feels there is an ulterior motive behind everything you do and say, you will almost always be met with some form of resistance. If they perceive that your primary objective is to remedy yourself of a problem rather than to love them unconditionally, they will resent even the most sacrificial forms of love.
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My husband has just moved out and is persuing legal separation. He blames me for everything in our marriage including his temper and bad mood. I have apologized for my part, but he has been unwilling to look at himself at all. We did months of counseling but he was already one foot out the door and was t really cooperative. However, now he uses that to say that he tried everything. He says he needs space and feels smothered. We just had twins this year and we have 2 other kids 4,6. I really wish he was able to extend some grace being that we are in such a difficult year of life and I hate to give up now. I’m just starting to feel human again since having the twins and I just needed his support and understanding. I feel like he is being so selfish at this point making his happiness the priority over all of our happiness and promise to me. I have tried to remain compassionate and loving but he has been in victim mode and has taken advantage of that this year. Now that he is moving out, he is willing to spend time with the kids, pay for things that we didn’t have money for before and speak kindly to me. Why now? He thinks we can still be good friends and still spend holidays and such together for the kids. Since I want to be a family, I feel like that will be really difficult on me. Our state requires one year of separation before divorce. Obviously I want him back, but I don’t want to feel taken advantage of or get my hopes up when we are together as a family. I want to be nice but I don’t want to feel like I have to give him everything he wants in order to “win him back.” I kind of feel like he wants his freedom but also his family when it is convenient. I feel the same way when it comes to the separation agreement. I don’t want to feel like I have to go along with everything he wants so that he will come back. Do you have suggestions on how to maintain this fine balance?
Doing everything on his terms will only help to create a little selfish monster of sorts. Though I would coach you to stay kind and gentle in spirit, stop trying to sell the marriage deal to him. In fact, he is acting like a little boy right now that won’t know what is best for him until he is in danger of losing it.
To be frank, I would encourage you to stop allowing his inconsistencies to dictate your spirit and do not wait around with the children under a cloud of depression until he comes back into the picture. Plan a day at the park, a day with other friends and family members, or something fun and go and do it without him. He needs to see you riding a happy train that is not dependent upon his presence.
This may sound cold and usually takes about an hour of coaching to develop, but this is my advice. I am not saying that it necessarily works as much as it is usually the best way to create an atmosphere so that he is able to snap out of himself.
I will pray God gives you balance. Order our marriage book and read chapter 1 and chapter 6. It should fill in the gaps.
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In Christ,
Dr. Force
I have a question, at this moment I’m going thru a separation with my husband. he moved out your article said don’t chase or pursue to fast then how and what do I do.
Though you do not want to desperately pursue your husband, it is important to keep a calm and confident presence when speaking to him. You will want to stay kind and cordial, yet refrain from being what I call emotionally clingy.
Also, it is important not to wait around in a discouraged state until he comes back around. I usually recommend that people in your spot start heading toward what I call a destination of joy and peace. The subtle message that you will send out is that he is more than welcome to get on board the happy train that you and your children have decided to ride.
Dr. Force
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