How to Forgive Yourself After an Affair
It’s one thing to be forgiven by your spouse after an affair, but how does one handle it when they are finding it difficult to forgive themselves after an affair. Here is a major scriptural point to consider.
You Must Sense the Forgiveness of God before You are Able to Forgive Yourself
In order to forgive yourself, you must first sense the forgiveness of God. If this is at all out of order in your life, you will find it difficult to truly forgive yourself, especially after an affair.
It’s Okay to Want to Feel Forgiven
We can give a plethora of principles along the lines of forgiveness, but, ultimately, God must give a person what I call a sense of forgiveness.
I realize that in Christianity we tend to stay away from the idea of basing our faith on our feelings, and rightfully so. But, that is not what I am suggesting. In all actuality, I am teaching that our faith should be manifested in the fact that we sense God’s forgiveness in our hearts. This is actually taught in Hebrews 9:14. In this passage, God says:
“How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?”
If you will notice, the Bible is teaching us that Christ died so that our conscience could be purged from the shame and guilt that sin often brings.
Psalm 51 – Make it your Manual
For those struggling with overcoming the shame that often accompanies infidelity, I often refer them to Psalm 51. This was actually a song of repentance that David wrote after he had committed adultery with Bathsheeba.
In this Psalm, David said:
“Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.”
He went on to write:
“Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”
In the previous two selections, I love the phrases “wash me throughly from mine iniquity” and “cleanse me from my sin”. I also appreciate David praying that God would “renew a right spirit: within himself.
Through David’s song of repentance, I believe we can also see that God wants us to sense His forgiveness. However, sometimes, this does not necessarily come overnight. And, a person may need to do quite a bit of asking, seeking, and knocking in order for the previous mentioned verses to become a reality in their lives.
Christianity is a Hospital
Keep in mind that Christianity is not a medical show, but a hospital for sinners in need. Christ died because you are a sinner, therefore, He is not all surprised by your need for forgiveness and cleansing. Therefore, come boldly before the throne of grace to obtain the mercy that you now need. (Hebrews 4:16)
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I shamefully admit that some years ago I was involved with another woman while I was married. I finally broke off the affair, repented, and moved on. However, it took me a long time to forgive myself. I still feel some semblance of guilt because though my wife has forgiven me, I regret terribly how I betrayed my wife. Forgiving myself has been the hardest thing ever.
Thank you for your honesty. I John 1:9.
– Dr. Force
I committed adultery 6 years ago, after only being married a few months to a man I had spent nearly 8 years taking care of, we were young. He was not a bad man, but I felt unseen and neglected. I had yearned for kids but he was “never ready” and so unfortunately I swayed. However, after the affair, I came upon the unorthodox decision that this is not how a marriage should be and if I loved him I would have never done that, so we divorced, after my affair I never slept with my current husband, I wasn’t the type to just cheat and then come home. He did not fight the divorce and went right along with it so I felt that was what I needed to do. I began a relationship with the man I cheated with thinking that the attention was much needed and I had “needs”… I contracted genital herpes from him months later as he denied he ever knew he had it. As someone that never slept around, I suffered immense emotional trauma from that. Anxiety attacks and depression because I had betrayed myself and my life over what? attention? I am now married to this man after showing grace but I have not been happy for quite some time. We had somewhat a connection, but he was always telling me what to do, ridiculing me if I was too nice to a man or just always something, I feel like I can’t be myself. I felt that because I had HSV, nobody would ever understand what happened or accept me, I also still wanted a child, which I now have that I adore more than my own life. However, I take daily medication for anxiety/depression and overall am unhappy in my own life. I feel that because we married (there were some good times) that our relationship is tainted or demonic because of specifically my infidelity. I want out so bad just for peace in my soul. I dream of my ex-husband nearly every night. Not by my own choice but I feel my conscious is so destroyed over that fateful decision 🙁 I cry out to him, I see him in my dreams, I still feel to this day he was my soul mate. But he has now remarried and had the baby boy I always dreamed we would have together. We did try to reconcile 2 years after, but I was so emotionally destroyed I couldn’t go thru with it and I didn’t have the heart to tell him why … my thoughts were I was protecting him. I battle every day. I have asked God on multiple occasions to release me, to get the Devil off my back, to forgive me for betraying him, my current husband, and myself for that terrible decision. my karma has definitely came and she has stayed. I have suffered silently for years.
But what about Bathsheeba? Does the Bible talk about what happens to her afterwards? Does she deserve forgiveness? Or is she hated forever? How does the person he cheated with go on with life? Do others ever realize that she feels shame and repents too?
yes, after King David asks for Bathsheba and has sex with her his intent is to hide the affair. You find out later Bathsheba is pregnant and therefore the sin is no longer hidden. David has Bathsheba’s husband murdered and takes Bathsheba as his wife with God’s blessing after his repentance. They both suffered great loss for their sins to.