If you are working through forgiving your spouse after an affair, it is important that a few things be present from the very beginning. In fact, I have found that if the following traits are not present, then both are typically filling what I call a bag full of holes. That is, couples that are experiencing the ravaging effects of an affair can get all the outside help in the world, but if these items are not present, they will find themselves back to square one very quickly even after months of supposed progress.
Total Disclosure
It is more than vital that the offender tell all to the offended. Of course, he or she should only disclose that which is in accordance to their spouse’s level of comfortibility, but it is still vital to disclose all the facts to their spouse.
If this does not occur, then it must be noted that when new information comes out six months down the road, the clock resets. That is, the offended will feel that they are back to ground zero as far as the recovery process is concerned.
So if there were two affairs, lay it out on the table. If adultery occurred for a year instead of six moths, let the other person know.
Sole Responsibility
True repentance is taking sole responsibility for one’s actions. If you are working through forgiving your spouse after an affair, you should watch keenly for this. If the other person is saying, “I am sorry, but . . .”. They are not truly repentant.
James 1:19 tells us that when a man tempted he is drawn away by his own lust. Notice the emphasis in the verse. The scriptures tell us that lust is an issue with the perpetrator not the tempter. It is an issue within rather than without.
Of course, usually when adultery occurs in a relationship, there are bad ingredients in the marriage that should be replaced with those that are good. But, if the marriage is on the rocks, one should not commit adultery, they should seek outside help.
Accountability
The rule is: If there is nothing to hide, then everything should be an open book. That’s it. There is no fudging on this rule.
Newsflash: If the person who committed adultery balks at being an open book to their spouse, something is wrong. It is one of five things:
The person subconsciously plans on dragging their feet until the other pulls the plug on the relationship.
They are not truly repentant.
They are planning on continuing the illicit relationship.
There is still something they are hiding from their spouse.
They are angry and resentful over past issues that occurred before the affair.
Seeking Outside Help
If you are working at forgiving your spouse after an affair, you will not want to be a lone ranger. You are both too emotionally involved to try to fix this on your own.
Regardless, I have found that individuals that are truly repentant are humble enough to seek the advice of others.
Whether couples are dealing with adultery, constant fighting, or a lack of connectivity, our 2-step process to solving marriage issues has proven to be helpful over and over again for couples in need. To learn more about our 2-step process and our resources, check out our book on marriage or our audio material which in on our order page.
- Learn about our proven, 2-step process
- Designed as a couples devotional
- Use in a group study
- A biblical and refreshing approach
What if since he hasn’t actually physically done anything with anyone so he is not sorry? And says he can do what he wants as long as “his penis isn’t out” has blocked me from his Facebook, goes to this other woman’s house nearly everyday as she hires him to fix her house and lots more… He has become distant emotionally and physically from me and is verbally and emotionally abusive especially if he has been drinking…. He says that he isn’t hurting me on purpose, as its in my head and my choice to be hurt… And trust me I have asked many people including professionals if I am just overjealous like he says (even though for nearly 2 decades I was not and “cool” – your wife is “cool” – in other words NOT overjealous) and the unanimous decision is that I am NOT being overjealous and it’s really not ok… So then what? It’s been years, I have worked on myself, and the kids are being damaged by it all….
He sounds like a narcissist who gets his way by making you feel like you’re the crazy one. This is how they justify their behavior and get away with it – because the emotional cost to you makes it seem like a bad idea to pursue the issue or hold them accountable for their behavior. As the other lady said, it’s manipulative and abusive and not your fault. Everyone is accountable for their own actions regardless of who or what influenced them. Please, please get help.
This article was very well written and very true. Unfortunately, I am the victim of a spouse who had an affair after three months of being married, although we had been together for almost five years of being married. This entire situation almost had me on the verge of a nervous breakdown. At this time, we are probably in restoration (or whatever) for about two months now, but this article speaks some of the contents of my heart. There was an apology, however it was because I initiated it, meaning I had to mention that there wasn’t one. But in all actuality, how sincere was that? I fought for this marriage so hard. I want and wanted to do adhere to the covenant I made with GOD, in some ways I still do, but to be honest sometimes I want to quit because I’m tired. My husband is almost 60yrs old and its such a shame that he still hasn’t matured. He’s a wounded man, from his past and I allowed myself to get caught in his world.
Thank you for your comments. I am sorry that you have had to deal with this situation. I will keep you in prayer.
Dr. Force