It is more than common for men to read an excerpt from my marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, or one of our blog posts and reply with statements as such:
“Just remember, It goes both ways.”
“Why are most of the marriage books about the men?”
“Why are most of your articles about the men?”
“The woman has responsibilities too.”
“This seems one-sided. How come the men are always the problem?”
“It takes two to tango.”
Though I certainly understand that women are responsible for their own actions, I am a little tired of the whining I hear from men on this issue. Let me give you a few sage reasons as to why.
In most cases, women are bitter as a result of a man that has failed in some form or fashion.
I once heard Frank Pardue say that behind every bitter woman is a man that has failed to do his job. Though I must say there are probably a few exceptions to this rule, keep in mind that the exception typically proves the rule. And, I would have to say that, from experience, I am in 99.9% agreement with his statement. The man may be a father, sibling, boyfriend, or husband. But, in most cases, I would have to agree with the generalization.
Women are Responders
No matter how hard a woman tries to throw off age-old norms, women live responsively to men. In fact, even the woman that runs ever so hard away from the influence of a man is still being influenced by . . . well . . . a man.
I would wager a million dollars that if men at large did not care for immodest clothing, women would stay away from wearing it. If men detested promiscuous behavior, generally speaking, most women would probably follow suit.
One of the greatest areas of sexual trafficking is not just over the borders of America and Mexico but on the screens of Hollywood movies and music videos. Consequently, our ladies feel the need to be less and less lady-like as there is almost always a gawking male ready to drop the black rose petals of praise in her path. As long as this occurs, women in our society will continue to feel the need to sell their honor for the morsels of attention they receive.
This Puts the Onus on Men Not Women
Women are always a byproduct of the men in a society. In fact, if one reads Isaiah 3, they will see that once the mighty man is taken away, negative repercussions are soon to follow with the women and children.
I certainly understand that women have their role to play in the marriage, but ultimately, I’m a little done with the whining from men. If men want the benefits of leadership, then they will also have to embrace the responsibilities that come with the package.
Corporately, I believe that men in America should repent and take ownership of the problems in our society, especially with women. Honestly, if we would act like men, that is, Biblical men, then I believe much good would follow.
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Thank you Leslie. That is a fair comment.
Dr, I’ve read a bit of your articles and have your book. You share a lot of good info which I acknowledge and appreciate. You are right men create a lot of the mess. Probably most of it. But your comments above and in many of your articles seem to give the notion that the woman is justified in her actions. All of a sudden you swing from Biblical principles to human understanding. It’s like you are encouraging and wanting women to feel good for being bitter and resentful. Jesus said 70×7, love your enemies, hold no record of wrongs, esteem other more highly, let he who is without sin…etc. And none of that obviously means it’s ok to do wrong. Women are as fallen as men and are no less guilty of sin than men but you seem to totem pole sins. This is disturbing for the casual reader who do not have the benefit of going through many of your articles. BLAME does not lead to success. We need to all work on ourselves and not use the wrongs of other whether men on men, men on women, women on men, whites on blacks, blacks on whites, etc. “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness”
Just food for thought and discussion.
Thank you for your comments.
I am not sure how you are reading or receiving the articles, but in no place do we ever say that a woman is not responsible for her behavior. Though some may filter our writings through their own particular bias or situation, we certainly never imply that. In fact, in this article we say:
“Though I certainly understand that women are responsible for their own actions . . . ”
In our article titled Negative Wife, we apply this statement to women:
“The scriptures indicate that we are just as responsible for how we react to the negative behavior of others as they are for instigating problems in the first place. This is evident in I Thessalonians 5:15 as Paul says:”
Our nation is in trouble, and difficult times call for emphatic rhetoric.
If I shout, “The sky is blue.”, that does not mean that it is never red or gray at times. It just means that in this instance it is blue.
Likewise, if I accentuate that men are whiners that need to repent, it does not mean that women are absolved from their behavior.
Thank you,
Dr. Force
I don’t disagree with you, Dr.Force. At the same time, a wise woman & wife is capable of leading her husband gently by example. If she desires a husband who is gentle, kind, patient, loving, & good, she cannot be disagreeable or nagging regardless of his mood or behavior. We as women cannot take full responsibility for the marriage relationship, but we can own our thoughts, feelings, & behavior, & look to Christ for our needs & fulfillment in life rather than waiting for our human husband to provide it all. If we get nothing from them, then there are problems that need addressing with prayer & guidance. That said if God is the first one you seek then the pressure’s off.
Thank you Lesley, and, we certainly make that point in chapter 9 of our marriage book as well as many other articles:
https://hittinghomeministry.com/negative-wife/
https://hittinghomeministry.com/how-to-respond-husband/
Dr. Force
Unfortunately that doesn’t always work. My friend was gentle, kind, submissive etc, and it just fueled her husband’s abuse. She finally had to leave.
I agree with you, Amy. My husband had numerous affairs on me. I apologized for not being the wife he needed me to be and causing him to have to go elsewhere to get something I wasn’t giving him. I forgave him over and over and over. I made excuses for him when he beat me or tore me down emotionally.
What ended everything for us was the night I called the cops for him punching my (at the time) eleven-year-old son because he was drunk and angry.
This is the same man who went to bible studies and church with me and told our pastor and church family how much he loved his family, and everything he did was for them. The minute we left church, he beat me over the head (not literally) with everything the pastor said in regards to being submissive, humble and forgiving. He expected all of those things from me, but he wasn’t prepared to make any changes himself.
If he would have apologized and gotten help with his drinking and anger issues, I could have forgiven him for anything! I do forgive him for everything, but a person can only take so much! We see that with Jesus! He is perfect; we are not, and he even got upset with the tax collectors and turned tables over.
I had an out with the infidelity, but I chose to keep forgiving and trying to change myself. I had an out when he abused us, but I chose to keep forgiving. He ultimately left us for another woman he had been seeing for the whole past year rather than apologizing or making anything right. That was easier for him I guess.
My father wasn’t around much when we were children. He didn’t even know if I was home or not the couple of days every month that he was home.
It seems like every man in my life has disappointed me. So, I do have an “over men” type of attitude. I’m so tired of being let down and disappointed! Yet, I do know that I have a good Father and friend in my Lord and Savior! He will never let me down! I sincerely hope that other women who are let down on a daily basis by men use their disappointments to help them grow closer to God. He loves us! He likes to spend time with us! He never breaks His promises! He never hurts us and only wants the best for us! Lean on him, and pray for the men in our country because GOD knows they need it!