It was a hard lesson to learn as a young man, but once my wife’s spirit was wounded, all the words and logic in the world would fail in making things better in the immediate. Only time, action, and a genuine change in my attitude would prove to help.
It seems that one of the most important lessons I teach men is that there is often a price to pay for losing their cool, being loose with their words, being overly sensitive, or acting in an uncaring way. However, few seem to be willing to accept this fact in a patient manner. Instead, they pout, accuse, point fingers, and whine as if they are expecting age-old principles and marital norms to take a back seat to their specific situation.
Generally Speaking
Though there is no cookie cutter typecast for every single human being, generally speaking, women feel deeper than men. Consequently, it is this part of my wife that I have had to learn to protect. That is, I have had to learn that if I offend her emotionally, my logic and words will fail at pulling her out of what I call an emotional bomb shelter, especially in the moment.
Of course, none of this means that a woman is not responsible for her behavior. I deal with this in my marriage book, especially in chapter 9. However, it does mean that there are natural repercussions to a man’s negativity that must be accepted in a patient manner. If a man fails to relate the effect with the cause, he will find himself continually frustrated in his marriage, and he will come across like a big baby.
The Exception to This Rule
There are a number of verbal women that are married to those quiet or more passive types. As stated in our marriage book in chapter 4, these men will find that their wives actually appreciate conversation in the moment. However, I find that most men will fail if they think their words are an end-all cure-all in the moment. Most wives want action mixed with genuine change over a long period of time.
How this Plays Out
Success is failure turned inside out. That is, those that succeed are not those that have never failed. They are those that learn from their mishaps.
Proverbs 1:5 teaches:
“A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:”
Proverbs 9:9 says:
“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.”
What I love about these verses is that they teach us that wise men are still learning. These verses do not say that a wise man knows everything as much as that he has a teachable spirit.
Early in marriage, I started to see that once I offended my wife, she was going to retreat into a place of safety for a few hours or even days. Once again, I am not prescribing this behavior, only describing it. However, the facts were the facts. Once I acted out like a little kid, I would struggle because I then felt an emotional distance between my wife and I. Simply put, I did not like the effect that my negative behavior had caused.
Embrace the Consequence
It took me a few years into marriage to start allowing these negative situations to be one of my teachers. That is, instead of continually becoming upset that I felt disconnected from my wife after an altercation, I started to take on a different approach and learn from my mistakes.
I cannot over-emphasize the value of this principle. Honestly, it greatly propelled me to success as before I would wallow in pity over feeling disconnected with Melody. However, once I learned to start embracing the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, I stopped groveling in self-pity and determined to avoid the negative behavior that was causing scenarios as such.
Proverbs 20:30 states:
“The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.”
Simply put, when you touch a hot stove, you should quickly learn not to ever do that again. In the same way, I found it better to embrace the negative consequences of my behavior by learning from them. I found this a much better approach than to whine, complain, or hurl accusations once I offended my wife.
These principles are covered in detail in chapter four of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
– Dr. Force
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Totally agreed with your analogy. Being married for 18 years, living with my husband who is careless with words and loose mouth. He’s negativity and inability to stand up for his family and quick with words in a condescending manner has already put a toll on our relationship and yet he thinks it was me the one who has the problem. For years, we would try to talk it out but it was always short lived. The next day, we will go back to where we first started. I’ve already come to a point that I see no reason to work out and put me through hopes to see him have a ‘revelations’. Now I just don’t have a care and worse no more love and respect for this man.
I am so sorry. My situation is very similar. My husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive and it’s been very hard. I fell into a deep depression and almost 5 years ago, I tried to take my life by overdosing on prescription medication. Believe it or not, even after that experience, he still continued being negative. It’s a tough road especially because I love him dearly. Grace and love can cover it all. Jesus covers it all. I am praying for all wives in this situation, that they will turn to God in their time of deep need. He will never leave you or forsake you.
Sounds like me except married 8 years.
Unfortunately,I can completely understand and relate! God Bless!
This is directed to husbands, and you stated above it is only one facet, which I totally understand. What advice do you have for the wife who has been hurt and retreated to her “bomb shelter”?
Here is a good link which is an excerpt out of our marriage book from chapter 9.
https://hittinghomeministry.com/fighting-for-your-marriage/
Thank you,
Dr. Force
When you are married to a Narcissist, loving kind often make the situation worse. Dont’ get me wrong, I choose to deal with my husband with integrity before God and to be peacable. however, some people are impossible to be at peace with. Bully’s only understand consequences, and sometimes, there must be guided consequences. Loving a man more, submitting more and giving more sex does not solve the problem as in my situation, and often makes it worse, because then they feel that they can continue to behave this way. There IS a time, under Godly supervision, to separate for the purpose of healing and restoration. A man may not be physically hitting his wife, but his emotional and verbal abuse is MORE damaging, according to many many studies. You just can’t see the affects of the abuse for many years. And they are harder to recover from. I am beginning to have panick attacks and nerve issues that are directly related to how my husband treats me. I will live my life with integrity, but one of us will be moving out, until there is true repentance. I physically cannot handle living with him any more. And i am writing this because there are people in marriages like mine who have done EVERYTHING, and because of our faith, do not even think about separation. But there is a time for everything…and done properly, with accountability.
Agreed!
Right there with you.
I couldn’t have said that any better. I am in the same exact position/relationship and feel there is no hope. I am emotionally exhausted and feel like I don’t want to go on. There is so much more to it but it is affecting my health and just don’t have the energy anymore to fight it either way.
I just asked my husband of 4 years to move out for these very reasons. There is a time when it is ok to walk away.
I wish i could ask this man to leave, but it is his house, he never even put my name on it and he says i’m the one who will have to leave, so i guess some day it will be me leaving this nightmare.
This is absolutely true! I had to leave my husband of 21 years 9 months ago. I prayed so hard for so long.. tried being more submissive, loving, and respectful.. things got so much worse.. because it basically was like, he treated me badly and I was saying it was okay. For 20 years I blamed myself for all of it. I thought there was something wrong with me. we have 3 sons and they have been emotionally and physically abused by their dad as well I remember thinking that “If I was a better wife, he wouldnt get so angry with me”.I started having bad anxiety, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, lost a ton of weight. Most of all I felt like I was going insane.. once I left the first 3 months was very rough on me, but after going to a Christian counselor, I learned how to set up boundaries, unfortunately we could not make our marriage work, he refused to go to counseling on his own and claimed “he didn’t need it”. My church turned on me pretty much,a big part was because of him, and the other part was people didn’t understand what emotional abuse and gaslighting does to a person’s psychological state.and because some of them felt I was just wrong for leaving my marriage… I lost most of my church family, and lifelong friends.. however, I now realize they were not my friends to begin with..not really. people who are your”true” friends dont throw you away when you dont act the way they think you should..I was so hurt and felt I’d lost every friend I had.. But thankfully I have now learned that I have to set boundaries with everyone in my life. Which means not sharing so much of my life with people. I have learned that “Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend”. Thankfully God has provided for me in everyway. Not only financially but God has blessed me with true friends who have helped me and stood by me. I believe My Heavenly Father loves me. And I do believe without a shadow of a doubt, that I did what God led me to do. We are called to serve God. And a woman who is so focused on pleasing a husband who can’t be pleased.. well doesn’t leave much time to serve the Lord. God bless I hope this helps someone in my same situation. Also if you have children like I do? My biggest worry was raising my kids in a broken home.. guess what? My boys are so much happier now that they don’t have to walk on eggshells all the time in their own home. My only regret is not leaving sooner.
Thank you for writing this! same situation here.
This gives me hope! I’m confused in which path to take. Even after physical mental abuse to myself and our children my own parents still tell me to stay. I’ve been married for 20 years . 3 of the 5 children have anger problems and I believe it’s all due to how their father treats their mom and how he treats them. I feel like I’m enabling this unhealthy situation by staying . Our children have witnessed too much damage. I don’t know what to do. I started going back to church and letting go and letting God guide my life. Thank you for sharing this . Helps me to feel I’m not alone.
Totally agree.