A Husband Has 1 Of 3 Choices


In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.


A Husband Is A Gardener


A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:


The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.


Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.


The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.


I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negativite aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.

Colossians 3:19 says:


“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”


The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.


The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.


Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.

I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities.  When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.

I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?

– Dr. Raymond Force III


For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional


Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.

Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.

Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.


Learn More About Our Marriage Resources
Check out our Marriage Book

- Learn about our proven, 2-step process
- Designed as a couples devotional
- Use in a group study
- A biblical and refreshing approach

Posted in Issues Relating to Husbands

275 comments on “A Husband Has 1 Of 3 Choices
  1. Nancy Fuentes says:

    Hello, im a wife and I agree with Dr. Raymond, because my marriage is about to end, because my husband become all of the opposite the bible said a husband should be, I know that divorce is not what God wants, but what is better to leave with someone that said he loves God, and he’s first than anything, but at home is totally another person, or leave alone, and don’t feel hypocrite feeling that you are a lier because of the way you are leaving? I dont think God want us to leave frustrating, or unhappy, what do you think? Hope I can get your response, thanks may God Bless you!!! Nancy. …

    • Nancy,

      Thank you for your question. Would you mind clarifying your question?

      Thank you,

      Dr. Force

    • Janicer Barron says:

      Our marriage is failing I will love to get this book for my husband because he needs spiritual guidance from a male point of view, unfortunately I’m not in a position to do so right now. My question is how do you get your husband to take care of the garden. Once my husband is upset and we separate he has a tendency of neglecting his family in all ways. The bad thing about this is we have 6 children and due to a horrible car accident I’m not able to work right now. Therefore leaving him as the sole provider of the family, but when he leaves he leaves us with nothing along with other things that has taken place. The part that hurts tremendously is how he always do this then expect for things to stay the same…I have always worked and supported my family since I have an open case right now fighting for my disability I’m not able….

      I really don’t want to walk out of our marriage but I don’t feel the genuine, loyalty and respect this family deserve. 8m at the point of wanting out of this marriage.

  2. wamuwi changani says:

    Thank you so much for the message. What is important to me is to have peace in the home. We have been called to peace and when a spouse cannot commit to mutual peace I think it’s time to move on. We are all adults.

Marriage and Relationship Coaching

Over the Phone
Call Us at 1-888-642-3036
Talk Now - Live 24/7 Help

Marriage and Relationship Coaching

Over the Phone
Call Us at 1-888-642-3036
Talk Now - Live 24/7 Help