When providing marriage help for men, I am often forced to point out that many men are simply little boys in the bodies of men. That is, mentally, emotionally, and, especially, spiritually, many men have failed to grow up.
Unfortunately, very few boys seem to be truly making it to manhood. And, the fundamental difficulty with this as it relates to marriage is that boyish men make poor marital partners.
Here are a few characteristics of men that are still boyish in their tendencies:
Boys are Motivated by their Feelings Instead of Biblical Principles
Feelings of anger, despair, apathy, and laziness will only serve to hurt a marriage. When a man is driven by these feelings, he ceases to act like a man, but rather a boy. And, when this occurs, disaster looms in any marital relationship.
Boys are Self-Interested, Men are Selfless
One of the more difficult jobs that I have as a pastor and marriage coach when providing marriage help for men is encouraging men to separate themselves from their selfish tendencies. In fact, this is why Ephesians 5:28 tells men “to love their wives as their own bodies.” This is primarily because God knows that men naturally serve themselves before the needs of others, and, when this occurs in a marriage, problems quickly arise.
Boys are Still Looking for Validation, Men Walk in Validation
Humans are naturally on what some call a search for significance. However, this significance should only be found in the love and security that only Christ can offer.
Males that lack validation also lack an ability to selflessly love. This is because only those that stand on the solid ground of Christ, a high self-worth in Christ, and a healthy respect for themselves truly have the ability to love others without any strings attached to their own insecurities and selfish tendencies. We deal with this further in chapter one of our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
Boys Live for themselves, Men Walk with the Lord
When I speak on manhood versus boyhood, I like to ask the question, “Are you a man in the sight of the world or in the sight of God?”
To be honest, there are many men that are manly from the world’s perspective, but, in reality, all that really matters is what God perceives.
In I Kings 2:2-3, as David was departing this world, we find him instructing his son, Solomon. This was a part of his speech:
“I go the way of all the earth: be thou strong therefore, and shew thyself a man; And keep the charge of the Lord thy God, to walk in his ways, to keep his statutes, and his commandments, and his judgments, and his testimonies, as it is written in the law of Moses, that thou mayest prosper in all that thou doest, and whithersoever thou turnest thyself:“
I love the way David defined manhood. It was not by square footage, money in the bank, athletic achievements, or a beautiful woman. David told Solomon that a real man keeps the commands of the Lord.
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This is so true and I learned very early in my marriage I had a married a Christian Boy. After 24 yrs next week I am sad to say we have been separated 3 months. I only wish I had done something to wake him up to the severity of our dying marriage a decade ago. Selfishness and lack of sacrificial love were the nails on the coffin for me. Now I hope that with the separation God can wake him up spiritually and give me the place as his wife I long for and deserve. I wish I could give him articles like this but now I’m relying entirely on God and none of my efforts to “help”.
I’m wondering-how exactly do you approach a husband who is definitely more boy than man and getting worse ( due to high levels of stress and constant pain) by the day. I’ve bought your program before, but wasn’t helped much since he was unwilling to listen to it. He is a Christian but does not seem to be walking with The Lord at all anymore. My life is very sad, lonely and difficult. He’s very sensitive and offends easily. Suggestions?
Diane,
Thank you for your question.
Of course, you can never do more than God can, and there are instances where no matter how much you change, the other person stays the same.
However, I noticed that you stated that you are very sad and lonely. Though I do not deny that you feel this way, we have found that it is vital for you not to base your happiness on his actions. In fact, in many cases, when you learn to wake up happy despite his behavior, it has a way of pulling him out of himself.
Take a look at this excerpt from our book on marriage: https://hittinghomeministry.com/how-to-be-a-happy-wife/
Hope this helps. I will pray for you as the Lord leads.
Dr. Force
http://www.Shop.HittingHomeMinistry.com
I am also married to a man who calls himself a Christian but is only Christian in word. I’ve been married for 20 years and I can’t go through all the junk I’ve had and continue to deal with. Yes, it’s true, true joy should come from The Lord only. But I think what Diana is saying is that she wants a husband who treats her right. It may come out saying “I’m lonely and depressed” but what she’s really saying is she just wants to be treated the way her Christian husband is suppose to. I understand completely Diana. Please know that I get it. I too feel depressed some days that doesn’t mean we are expecting our husbands to be responsible for our emotions , it means we want husbands who “love their wives as Christ loved the church”. I will pray for you. It has been almost a year since this was written, I pray God has answered your prayers.
Amen Sister! You hit it right on the target (yes, pun intended)
I am hitting the 20 plus year mark and I don’t know how much longer I can continue till I break m,p,s.
We can continue with our husbands because Jesus commands both husband AND wife to love each other as he loves us, not just the husband. God’s love in us never fails. We did not promise a business deal, but unconditional love. Read the Aboverubies.org article Bring Him Home, and you too can get closer with the Lord by loving the far less than perfect man, just as God chose to, and inspire others with this amazing undeserved love that flows through you from God to your man. God said he’d never leave or forsake us. Have you told your man this recently? I did, and it does motivate change, when combined with unconditional respect. And that does take a lot of help from God, as it is so unnatural for us women. I too want to be treated like I was married to Jesus, but I have some more waiting to do, might have to wait till the end of “as long as we both shall live.” It’s not my husband’s fault I chose him. We can either focus on what we can give, or focus on what we should get. Door #2 is the door to misery. I foolishly opened door #2 yesterday, but slammed it shut at bedtime and reached out to my husband who was mean to me in my time of need earlier in the day. I should have leaned on the Lord instead. It’s idolatry to lean hard on anyone else. If they aren’t leaning on the Lord, then our leaning throws them off balance. Anger at their not leaning on the Lord, exposes our idolatry. It’s good to want others to trust God, but we can’t get angry or distant with them over it. Be like God, love unconditionally. It’s what God does, and commands us, because it’s how to be happy and not in despair over our marriage. 1 Cor 13. You can’t lose your salvation, so your husband can’t lose his marriage, if it’s up to his Jesus following wife.
Thank you Amy! This is the stance we shoild be taking as wives, if we say we Love Jesus
Amen. It took me a very long time to reach this point however. It is okay to set boundaries though. If someone is abusing you the right thing to do is 2 separate, keep yourself safe, keep your children in a positive Christian environment all while remaining married and loyal to your spouse. I have done a lot of changing within myself in order to be sure that I was being the wife that got expected for me to be. I was not before. Sadly my spouse did not follow suit. He has made some positive changes also. Today we are together and we are both safe from physical and emotional abuse. I do continue to pray every single day that the Lord will change his heart and his desires. I pray that the Lord will make him a man that is so pleasing to Jesus that every moment of my life will be blessed with gentleness and evidence of a true heart after Christ. I pray that my children, particularly my son will see these changes as well and applied them to his own life one day as a husband and father. Amen
I am here to say that God answers prayer! I know I haven’t always been the wife God wants me to be…getting frustrated with my husband’s lack of care, being hurt & pulling away when he was mocking me for mentioning my desire to follow the Lord, letting comments drop regarding things he could change, etc. But when God does a thing, He REALLY does a thing. I prayed with all my strength different times for God to intervene. Watching my children’s turmoil & seeing the chaos of my home broke my heart. I was blamed for every bit of it by my husband. Verbal abuse was the norm. But God. God chose to visit chest pains on my husband that became a Saul of Tarsus, wake-up-call. Follow ME!! My husband has done a complete 180 degree turn! It is so unreal, I can hardly absorb it! Pray for the power of the Holy Spirit to fall on your husband. That is the only way he will change & be transformed. My husband says he has no words or excuses for the way he was. He apologized. He says he was living life on his own strength, trying to strong-arm everyone around him to do as he wanted them to. But now, there is peace & rest in our home. We have devotions every day & pray whenever possible. The children shower love on their daddy. He is an incredible man of God. Tough things in life led him to unforgiveness, bitterness, revenge, etc. When I thought I couldn’t take any more, God brought this miracle. I was despairing…thinking life could keep going on this way for the next how many years. PRAISE THE LORD FOR HIS TENDER MERCIES! He has a plan for our lives!!
I wish my wife would read this I was not the perfect husband I have some small issues but I always put my wife first over my needs every time but she wants a divorce and is moving out next Friday so sad