Help for a Christian after an affair is available from a variety of sources. These sources may include:
The Bible
Your church
Local Christian marriage ministries
Christian based resources
Close Christian friends
Family members
Marriage counselors and therapists
Let me share a few struggles that one will have along the way.
An Internal Battle
After an affair has occurred many experience a battle within themselves. This battle comes in many forms, but it typically involves a person battling with the following thoughts:
How did this happen to me?
I thought our marriage was affair proof.
What did I do wrong in the marriage?
Was I not good enough for them?
I can’t believe God let this happen.
How could they have done this?
Do I want to stay and work on the marriage?
A New Truth
For some, it is extremely difficult to accept the reality of adultery occurring in their marriage. This could be because they felt that their marriage was affair proof due to their love, looks, sex-life, work in the marriage, and Christian principles.
For spouses in such a case, they will often go on a three to twelve month journey grappling with the very fact that adultery has taken place. Spouses in this state will be wise to do the following:
1. Recognize that this battle exists
Sometimes, knowing is half the battle.
2. Find the bottom of what feels like a bottomless pit
Some spouses will want to ask a variety of questions after an affair has occurred. When this happens, the offender will be wise to patiently answer their questions, even if they are asking the same questions over and over.
When a spouse is asking questions about the details of an affair, they are typically trying to find what I call a bottom to what they feel is a bottomless pit. At some point, many find this bottom. And, when they do, they typically are able to find some type of footing to start climbing out of the pit of hurt, anguish, despair, and unforgiveness.
For these spouses, it is okay for them to want to find out how bad the affair was. Though the offender’s temptation will be to withhold information so as to not cause any more harm, they will find this to be a mistake.
Just a little tip: Let the spouse that is on the receiving end of an affair deal with the affair on their own terms and in their own way. When you do not allow them to ask questions and find out information, you are subtlety taking the healing process out of their hands.
This is always problematic as the affair happened on the offender’s terms, and it is generally detrimental to not allow the healing process to happen on the offended’s terms. This will only add insult to injury, and it will slow down the healing process.
3. Accept that the other person was capable of such an act.
Believe it or not, but when other humans fail, we feel that it brings the rest of us a little lower. Therefore, when an affair has been going on, many spouses grapple with accepting that their spouse was capable of committing such an act in the first place.
4. Accept the consequences of adultery
After egregious acts by others, we often struggle with accepting the new consequences that accompany this new truth in our lives. These consequences include:
The work it will take to trust their spouse again
The fear they will feel when their spouse is out of town or away from the house
The counseling work required to deal with their marital issues
The thoughts of the affair in their mind
Once a person is able to accept the consequences of adultery, they seem to be able to count the cost that it will take to repair the marriage.
