I am finding an increasing amount of men that are just plain mad. They are mad about their marriage, the treatment they receive from their wives, and what they view to be an uneven playing field when it comes to marriage.
Below are few reasons why I believe this to be occurring.
Some Men Have Fallen Into A Pit of Their Own Making
Mankind in general is prone to sabotaging his own own success and then loathing the negative repercussions that follow. Here are a few verses from Proverbs that undergird this thought:
Proverbs 26:27 – “Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein: and he that rolleth a stone, it will return upon him.”
Proverbs 11:17 – “The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh.”
From my experience of dealing with men, many a man has dug a pit of anger, bitterness, and laziness only to end up falling in himself. He often does this by:
Failing To Lead His Family Toward The Light
If a man is not leading his family toward the Light, darkness will prevail in his marriage. It is that simple. Though his accusations will be hurled at the disrespect he is receiving from his family, many times, the darkness of disrespect is only present as a result of his leadership away from the Light of God’s Word.
Being Loose With His Words
A man’s words are like a boomerang. What he gives out will always find a way of coming back to him.
Failing To Protect The 3 Parts Of His Household
Marriage is more than a paycheck. A husband should be looking out for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of his family. If he is not loving his family in these three areas, negative repercussions will follow, and his temptation will be to get mad at the trouble that his lack of care in all three of these areas has caused. We deal with this in chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
Some Men Are Still Carrying An Emotional Debt of Sorts
Many wives are still paying off the emotional debts that wayward fathers and bitter mothers charged to their spouse. However, it should be noted that this is why we teach that a happy marriage is comprised of happy spouses. That is, I like to say that my wife and I do not have a great marriage because we have one another, we have a great marriage because we are filled with God’s love and joy before we even see one another.
We often say that people have a God-shaped vacuum, but they also have what I call a Dad-shaped vacuum. That is, many men go through life trying to get out of others what they never received from their dads and moms. Thankfully, God is a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5), and only He can succeed where our earthly parents failed.
A wife cannot fix what others have broke. Only God is able to do that. Although her love can help to display what I call God’s love with skin on it, ultimately, God has to do the fixing.
Some Men are Dealing with Relational Injustices
Many men complain to me that they feel there is an unequal playing field when it comes to marriage. Some even feel that an unbalanced emphasis on Ephesians 5:25 without mentioning Ephesians 5:24 is almost empowering women to withhold their love and affection toward their husbands.
I deal with this aspect in our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, as I wrote:
“Throughout time, women have been tempted to withhold their love and affection toward their husbands because they fail to measure up to their expectations. A woman that has given in to this temptation must realize that when she holds back from loving her husband because he doesn’t meet her standards, she is simply holding her love as a ransom until he comes up with the appropriate payment. This is actually a form of manipulation.”
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
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Is the book any good because all I see is negative comments I’ve been married 18 years and my wife has cheated on me several times I have forgiven her I have not done anything yes we have got into fights and maybe she has called me abusive but I have tried everything and I have stopped drinking because of the abuse and my drinking I have stopped this and I’ve tried to do everything God’s way but it still is a hurting situation especially when she screwing my friend
I would really like someone to email me and tell me what is going on with women these days if you make one mistake that is the end and I am not a person to just hit a woman or beat on her after all the cheating she has done to me I have felt like dying on several occasions I wanted to commit suicide we have two children together and I am still reading God’s word and trying to do everything I can but it seems like through these comments this book is worthless can someone please help me through my email give me some advice like I said 18 years worth of marriage and now she wants out and now I’m homeless
Im so sorry! I am going through a tough time now as well. 10 years of marriage and 3 kids. My wife tells me she has never loved me. If you need anything I am here.
I’m having the exact same problem. I have never been abusive or a cheater. But I have tried everything my way. You can only let God do his work. Listen to Pastor Robert on the Jezebel spirt.
I am as well, my wife and I separated for short time and I began my recovery cause I was verbally abusive. Now we are back together. I have problems with my males parts so to speak. I was on testasrone for couple months. Gave me so much confidence and honestly felt normal and happy. Now being hit from every angle with hardships. I was emotionally cheated on. I feel I have to be on eggshells and I can’t slip up in anyway or it will happen again. It was twice with same guy. I seem to live in fear and bondage. At times I feel whatever I do is not good enough. I was an abusive man I am working on that. It has been 2 or 3 months since I have been verbally abusive. I get great Godly counsel and I suggest you men do the same. The fears and feelings are still there and they are real. That is something I have to process on my own with God. Lately it’s been one thing after another and I fear she is going leave N leave me hanging. It’s almost like I have to take to be happy all times. I feel at times I bought my love back. Lately I been feeling very lonely. I don’t really get emotional like I use to. During hard times I feel alone and gets my mind wondering. I pray constantly and read my bible worship the Lord. I should open the bible more. These are some of the toughest times I have ever been through in life. I still haven’t folded . Do i feel the tension and stress? I sure do. Also believe the good Lord is testing me in my faith. It’s hard living on pins and needles. Life shouldn’t be lived that way. Wish I could be more open without judgement. May God Bless you all. Marriage is not easy. I have experienced fruits of marriage and the heartache. I wouldn’t change the woman I married for the world. I love her dearly. Guess I feel out of place and alone. It is my own feelings I have to fight. It is just hard feeling alone. For the ones who read this I encourage you get help from Godly counsel and pray for change of heart and renewed spirit
I understand your stress and pain. Consider that if you have been verbally abusive (possibly emotionally abusive as well) that your wife has been walking on eggshells also for some time. You are now experiencing the same stress she has been under however long. It’s great that you have not been verbally abusive for the past 2 to 3 months, but your wife is emotionally exhausted from living in fear of the “next time”. It’s hard to live like that. She wants safety from her husband. She needs a husband she can trust and rely on to take care of her emotionally as well as spiritually. 3 months isn’t long enough to win back that trust. She likely needs therapy (which isn’t that easy to get) to help her heal. Abuse of any kind can deeply break a woman’s spirit and she will act out in different ways because of that brokenness. Often as a way to protect herself from more harm. You may feel the harm towards her has ended, but she won’t be able to rest in that knowledge for a very long time.
This is a very wise explaination of what the wife is going through.
This is si true. A woman can be deeply broken from verbal and emotional abuse and stife. Men do not realize it, but constently placing the blame of anything on her as well as never allowing her to point out how she is being hurt is also emotional abuse. I am going through this now with my husband. He always turns it around on me if I make any kind of negative statement about him. I have said “sweety, please call me if you are going to visit family, and give me the common coyrtesy of knowing where you are. I might have tried to go to.” He will just throw it in my face how i leave all the time without telling him where i am going. Although that is far from the truth. I not only tell him, but I have set it up on his phone where he can see where i am at all times. I have purposely done this to take his false made-up accusation away from him. Thankfully this time it worked. He had othing to say in response to that. But he never once addressed his action nor how it was hurting me. He routinely does that. I can not take it anymore. In times when i start yelling because this behavior has pushed me over the edge, he then takes advantage of this and rips into me about how i lose control and proceeds to punish me with the silent treatment for days, while continuing to disappear. I am so glad i put the house in not only my name but my maiden name. I really want to get this toxicity out of my life. I just can not take it anymore and he has no clue the pit he is digging and how much easier he is making this for me to divorce him. He has recently blamed him forgetting his password to his email on me. He said i changed it to control him. After a couple days of this, i finally thought, wait, if i wanted to control him, i would not have changed it because then he would know i was in the phone. I said this to him and he was silent. He could not rebuttal. At least he stopped hounding me for it. I recently lost a job. I mentioned We could not spend any mobey when his sister came to visit because we do not have that extra income. He blamed me for being controlling with finances. He said it is my fault we could not spend money because i am controlling with it. After arguing extensively about the common sense financial advise and wisdom of not spending mobey one does not have he finally stopped hounding me for that. Although, he still believes i am to blame for just everything! He has now gone an entire week ignoring me and acting as if ido not exist. My car broke down on the way to get groceries. He went and got groceries for himself last night and had not asked if i needed anything, knowing i do not have a car. I just want this to end. He has always done these behaviors throughout our marriage, now it is more magnified than before.
Yes I agree w this from my experience. It takes a long time to rebuild the trust.
Maybe reflect and seek gods face and wisdom. Maybe take the “M” in me and my. And change it to serve and steadfast in that word. For no man can harm you for God! On another note all things are possible. The biggest issues in our trials are the capital letters. When the only caps we “NEED” IS “JESUS'” & “LOVE” !!!
Great advice, Ray!
I recently read the book and found it to be a breath of fresh air. The basis of Gods word was used as the building blocks of how to be a better husband. All I can do is focus on my relationship with God and show my wife the same love that God shows me. Make your first Love God and you will be filled. My wife moved out 6 months ago and I do not say it lightly about making God my first Love. My peace and fulfillment comes from him. I honestly don’t know if my wife and I will reconcile but I do know that many lessons I was reminded of from the book and my renewed strength from God allow me to keep smiling and sharing His love even if it is to someone who is unwilling.
Amen, I have read the book as well and gave a copy to my husband.He choose to collect dust on it and never opened it up. All the anger and actions expressed on me is no solution.God gives us a free will and we stand before God at the end of time.I know for me I will continue to learn how to love and so by doing God gets the glory.I am grateful for the book that Dr.Force has written. Praying that God guides you all in Matthew 7:14 It is said,Because strait is the gate,and narrow is the way,which leads unto life,and few there be that find it.
All of these comments are disheartening. Not so much because of the unbelieving husband but because some of these men are in churches without any accountability. My story is similar to all of these comments except I finally left. Ladies seek the Lord for what you ought to do.
Also I see many women on these comments have left have you tried any type of counseling or sitting down with the man and trying to figure out a common ground show him the word love him even if he doesn’t love you just like Christ loved the church and gave himself for the church and was willing to die for the church
Some women will just refuse to see Godly leadership. And they push you, then deflect. They will bleed you dry, sap your soul, and take everything your flesh has ever wanted. But they CANNOT keep you from His promise. Some things are not what God has intended, and if you follow the truth, and surrender your heart, to His will, He will lead you. I will not say it will be easy, but you cannot force your will anymore. Trust in His, my brother.