It was a hard lesson to learn as a young man, but once my wife’s spirit was wounded, all the words and logic in the world would fail in making things better in the immediate. Only time, action, and a genuine change in my attitude would prove to help.
It seems that one of the most important lessons I teach men is that there is often a price to pay for losing their cool, being loose with their words, being overly sensitive, or acting in an uncaring way. However, few seem to be willing to accept this fact in a patient manner. Instead, they pout, accuse, point fingers, and whine as if they are expecting age-old principles and marital norms to take a back seat to their specific situation.
Generally Speaking
Though there is no cookie cutter typecast for every single human being, generally speaking, women feel deeper than men. Consequently, it is this part of my wife that I have had to learn to protect. That is, I have had to learn that if I offend her emotionally, my logic and words will fail at pulling her out of what I call an emotional bomb shelter, especially in the moment.
Of course, none of this means that a woman is not responsible for her behavior. I deal with this in my marriage book, especially in chapter 9. However, it does mean that there are natural repercussions to a man’s negativity that must be accepted in a patient manner. If a man fails to relate the effect with the cause, he will find himself continually frustrated in his marriage, and he will come across like a big baby.
The Exception to This Rule
There are a number of verbal women that are married to those quiet or more passive types. As stated in our marriage book in chapter 4, these men will find that their wives actually appreciate conversation in the moment. However, I find that most men will fail if they think their words are an end-all cure-all in the moment. Most wives want action mixed with genuine change over a long period of time.
How this Plays Out
Success is failure turned inside out. That is, those that succeed are not those that have never failed. They are those that learn from their mishaps.
Proverbs 1:5 teaches:
“A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:”
Proverbs 9:9 says:
“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.”
What I love about these verses is that they teach us that wise men are still learning. These verses do not say that a wise man knows everything as much as that he has a teachable spirit.
Early in marriage, I started to see that once I offended my wife, she was going to retreat into a place of safety for a few hours or even days. Once again, I am not prescribing this behavior, only describing it. However, the facts were the facts. Once I acted out like a little kid, I would struggle because I then felt an emotional distance between my wife and I. Simply put, I did not like the effect that my negative behavior had caused.
Embrace the Consequence
It took me a few years into marriage to start allowing these negative situations to be one of my teachers. That is, instead of continually becoming upset that I felt disconnected from my wife after an altercation, I started to take on a different approach and learn from my mistakes.
I cannot over-emphasize the value of this principle. Honestly, it greatly propelled me to success as before I would wallow in pity over feeling disconnected with Melody. However, once I learned to start embracing the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, I stopped groveling in self-pity and determined to avoid the negative behavior that was causing scenarios as such.
Proverbs 20:30 states:
“The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.”
Simply put, when you touch a hot stove, you should quickly learn not to ever do that again. In the same way, I found it better to embrace the negative consequences of my behavior by learning from them. I found this a much better approach than to whine, complain, or hurl accusations once I offended my wife.
These principles are covered in detail in chapter four of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
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I’m so mentally tired it’s making me physically exhausted. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am really not a nice person, though the only person I feel anger towards is Him. I repressed my feelings for so long that now any little conflict with him and I feel rage. I have very little confidence anymore. Everything seems pointless. I feel I live just to exist. I’ve even thought about just taking depression medicine so I will be numb through this existence.
Wow!!! I feel the same way. I thought I was going crazy or that something was wrong with me but now I know what the issue is. Thank you so much for sharing.
My marriage still struggles at times with these issues because as much as I want to see my husband as perfect, he isn’t and neither am I. I can say that over the years we have been married he has made a drastic improvement. Even though he may not admit to his wrongs, he has taken responsibility for them and has made serious efforts to improve. When my marriage was at its worst (he left me), I was devastated, so heartbroken that it physically hurt, that’s when God spoke to me loud and clear telling me to hand my marriage over to him. But the thing is I can hand my marriage over to God all I want but my husband still had free will to to honor his vows or walk away. Luckily for me he honored his vows although we still struggled through the pain caused. Another thing I learned was to stop focusing on things that I couldn’t change about him and focus on the things that I could change about myself. To stop focusing on the speck in his eye and to start pulling the plank out of mine. It’s ALWAYS easier to see others faults so you don’t have to take any responsibility of your own. I learned to pray for change on my behalf and pray for blessings for my husband. In return, I have the most perfect (faults and all) husband who serves me in the most selfless way daily. I can no longer question or doubt his love for me. I pray for all husbands to love their wives as they love themselves and pray for the wives to be patient and love and respect their husbands when every cell in their body is telling them to do the opposite. I’m so heartbroken to see all these marriages suffering. Honoring your vows when times get tough is the biggest form of faith there is. It’s an earthly representation of God’s love for us. We are imperfect sinners who don’t deserve God’s grace and mercies but they are given to us daily and if we can get them then we should give forgiveness, grace and mercy to our spouses.
Same!! I guess it’s not us, it’s them.
I feel the same way.. I’ve been called miserable, sad, angry not fun. I’m told I don’t know how to treat a man and that I don’t want to be told to do. I am an introvert but I do and am capable of love. It’s just hard when I’m talked to harshly and constantly reminded that I’m forgetful. I second guess decisions and if I make a decision I expect a “lecture” later on that I’ve made a bad decision. I’m always to blame for the fails in this relationship and he doesn’t own up to certain behavior because I think he thinks its normal and nothing wrong. In the otherhand my behavior is considered not normal..smh. I just feel like I’m going crazy and think really I am just a horrible unlovable mess??? These,things,are set in my mind already and it’s hard not to play the part that he has said about me.
Hi, found this today while seeking help for my situation and it was like I had wrote it, that’s exactly what’s going on with is, has it gotten better?
I always blame myself.I always end up saying I’m sorry for something I didn’t even do. I’m so lost and lonely
I understand. Why do they always think they are right and we cannot have our own opinion? Do I just stuff my feelings and become a yes dear dummy?
I was just thinking these exact same things today!!
I am going through a divorce rite now and although I’ve never hit my wife or have ever tried to make her feel unloved there are some things that I didn’t do rite I didn’t take care of her emotionally as far as being there for her anxiety and depression issues but it wasn’t until this divorce started that I now realize what anxiety and depression really feels like I did try my hardest to make her home life as easy as possible by doing a lot of the chores But i got so busy doing those things “thinking I was taking care of her anxiety and depression issues “ that I forgot to make myself emotionally available to her soul I pray everyday God gives me the wisdom and strength to change that about myself to better fit her needs and wants we have a beautiful family that means the world to me I feel even after the divorce goes through I still won’t be able to move on I feel she is my missing rib and I won’t stop trying as long as I’m still breathing
Me be a female feeing the same way..
You should watch the movie fireproof, this would help you get her back.