Once Her Spirit is Wounded . . .


It was a hard lesson to learn as a young man, but once my wife’s spirit was wounded, all the words and logic in the world would fail in making things better in the immediate. Only time, action, and a genuine change in my attitude would prove to help.

It seems that one of the most important lessons I teach men is that there is often a price to pay for losing their cool, being loose with their words, being overly sensitive, or acting in an uncaring way. However, few seem to be willing to accept this fact in a patient manner. Instead, they pout, accuse, point fingers, and whine as if they are expecting age-old principles and marital norms to take a back seat to their specific situation.


Generally Speaking


Though there is no cookie cutter typecast for every single human being, generally speaking, women feel deeper than men. Consequently, it is this part of my wife that I have had to learn to protect. That is, I have had to learn that if I offend her emotionally, my logic and words will fail at pulling her out of what I call an emotional bomb shelter, especially in the moment.

Of course, none of this means that a woman is not responsible for her behavior. I deal with this in my marriage book, especially in chapter 9. However, it does mean that there are natural repercussions to a man’s negativity that must be accepted in a patient manner. If a man fails to relate the effect with the cause, he will find himself continually frustrated in his marriage, and he will come across like a big baby.


The Exception to This Rule


There are a number of verbal women that are married to those quiet or more passive types. As stated in our marriage book in chapter 4, these men will find that their wives actually appreciate conversation in the moment. However, I find that most men will fail if they think their words are an end-all cure-all in the moment. Most wives want action mixed with genuine change over a long period of time.


How this Plays Out


Success is failure turned inside out. That is, those that succeed are not those that have never failed. They are those that learn from their mishaps.

Proverbs 1:5 teaches:


“A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:”


Proverbs 9:9 says:


“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.”


What I love about these verses is that they teach us that wise men are still learning. These verses do not say that a wise man knows everything as much as that he has a teachable spirit.

Early in marriage, I started to see that once I offended my wife, she was going to retreat into a place of safety for a few hours or even days. Once again, I am not prescribing this behavior, only describing it. However, the facts were the facts. Once I acted out like a little kid, I would struggle because I then felt an emotional distance between my wife and I. Simply put, I did not like the effect that my negative behavior had caused.


Embrace the Consequence


It took me a few years into marriage to start allowing these negative situations to be one of my teachers. That is, instead of continually becoming upset that I felt disconnected from my wife after an altercation, I started to take on a different approach and learn from my mistakes.

I cannot over-emphasize the value of this principle. Honestly, it greatly propelled me to success as before I would wallow in pity over feeling disconnected with Melody. However, once I learned to start embracing the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, I stopped groveling in self-pity and determined to avoid the negative behavior that was causing scenarios as such.

Proverbs 20:30 states:


“The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.”


Simply put, when you touch a hot stove, you should quickly learn not to ever do that again. In the same way, I found it better to embrace the negative consequences of my behavior by learning from them. I found this a much better approach than to whine, complain, or hurl accusations once I offended my wife.

These principles are covered in detail in chapter four of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.

– Dr. Force

Order Our Marriage Book
How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another


  • Learn our 2-step Process to Solving Marriage Issues
  • Use for your next Bible study
  • A Biblical and Refreshing Approach



Posted in Issues Relating to Husbands

112 comments on “Once Her Spirit is Wounded . . .
  1. Cecilia says:

    I read this article about a week ago and I too feel is about my marriage. I’m married to a man who is 12 years older than me and at the beginning everything was great. As the years have passed and now we have 13 years of marriage I find myself so unhappy. After we had our child I started to see how he just wanted me for fulfill his wants, a lot of children and sex all the time. In the meantime he started showing his true colors, selfishness, tantrum attacks, calling me names, screaming at me, road rage, looking at his friends wives and saying they were “good women” because they had many children and just showing me how mean and evil he can be. I’m not a saint of course, I say bad words all the time and I’m just angry when he is around but I do believe I deserve better and even though he says he’s doing his best it is really not enough. I don’t hear a truthful apology just him saying I’m sorry I’m messing up. How about I’m sorry I hurt you? We tried couple counseling and it didn’t work because of course he wants to act like he doesn’t need to be there, like he doesn’t need to be there, so that was a waste. And now I just feel that all he wants for things he does around the house which he neglected to do for years need to be rewarded (sex) and in the mean time I feel like I don’t even know him. We can’t even talk because there’s always a chance that he will explode about anything. Is just painful. Every year for wedding anniversary I just wish I wasn’t with him any more.

  2. Also Anonymous says:

    Proverbs 18:14 – “The spirit of a man can endure his sickness, but as for a broken spirit, who can endure it?”

    Infidelity. Physical abuse. Those are a little more clear cut cases when trying to understand broken spirits in a spouse. What’s harder to understand is that a broken spirit can happen from issues that aren’t that “big”.

    When you’ve retreated into your shelter time after time because an innocent comment triggered an explosion, or because you laughed too loud or joked too much in public so that you embarrassed him or her, then eventually you become someone you’re not. You put on a ‘persona’ to please that person, in order to not trigger the explosion that you can never predict. You try to be perfect…but nobody can be.

    Proverbs 22:24 – “Do not associate with a man given to anger, or go with a hot-tempered man.” Maybe if the anger had been evident before the marriage, you could have avoided it. But it didn’t rear its ugly head until a few weeks later…even though the courtship was over a year long! And you’ve been battling it ever since. Honoring them over yourself. Adapting to meet their needs. Acting unselfishly to avoid provoking.

    And one day, you realize that you aren’t willing to retreat from that shelter ever again. You used to be desperate to get out of it each time and regain the closeness…but now you don’t care. You’ve tried so many times, and failed every time…but always for a different reason, because you’ve changed all the other things that caused the previous explosions. You begin to realize that you will never be “perfect enough”.

    Couple that with the fact that the spouse is a genuinely good person except for the anger which permeates any situation at unpredictable times, and it’s ten times harder to understand, in yourself, why you just can’t stand the thought of leaving that shelter again. You might love the person, and have performed and continue to perform in loving ways in duty to your marriage vows (and not just sexually, either)…but you’re no longer “in love”.

    You don’t start conversations, because you never know which topic will trigger a discussion about which the anger will flare at you…when the subject is completely unrelated to you and out of your control…when you were just trying to have a conversation. You don’t include the person in the details of your day, because you never know which detail will trigger the explosion when the other feels that you did something “wrong” (i.e. differently than they would have). You don’t ask for help with anything, because you never know which time you’ll get yelled at for being a “slave-driver” (though anyone else can ask for anything and they will get the help they need). This might only happen one out of every ten times….but when it does happen it is completely unwarranted and unpredictable and so explosive, and the words said to you are so damaging, that you feel your heart just can’t handle any more shrapnel being embedded in it.

    So you stay in your bomb shelter. You are comfortable there. But you are so sad. And the spouse knows you are sad, and the spouse seems to be trying so hard. You feel bad for the spouse. You know the distance hurts them, but the hurt to yourself has been so extensive that you just can’t do it again. Proverbs 19:19 – “A man of great anger will bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again.”

    You just don’t dare leave the shelter, because you’re afraid that after you do, it won’t be long until you say something you thought was harmless, or offer an opinion that you thought was actually being sought, and you find out that you lit the fuse once again without ever meaning to. You’ve had 29 years of the unpredictable explosions, and you know that, if you leave the bomb shelter, the next explosion will kill you emotionally to the point that you will walk away and never look back.

    So you stay in the shelter, as a last-ditch effort to ensure that you will never again be the reason that this person explodes for no reason. They might explode, but it won’t be because of you. 90% of the time, things were good. But that 10% of the time, when the inexplicable anger exploded and you know that it was undeserved (and sometimes it was public…there were witnesses and you were humiliated)…it was so severe and damaging emotionally that you have arrived at the point where, in spite of the sadness, the bomb shelter is the only place you feel you can breathe.

    So you stay there…and this time, you don’t plan to leave the bomb shelter. It feels rather like mourning. When you lose a loved one to death, there is a time of adjustment, and then a sadness as you adapt to the “new normal” of life without that person. But in this scenario, you are mourning what “was”, and what you are unwilling to try to get back because it’s too painful. Imagine bringing a loved one back to life, just to watch them die over and over and over every six months or so. That’s what you imagine this feels like…so you realize one day that, though it will be more painful at first, in the long run it will be easier to leave it dead. Because it’s the only way you can keep yourself alive.

    • Aiasha says:

      That is exactly the way I am feeling in my marriage. You described every detail of the emotional changes and

      • Anonymous says:

        I felt the same way, beaten down emotionally, stupid, ugly, useless… the list goes on and on.
        I remember sitting up one night thinking “ God help me, this can’t be MY life for the rest of my life”.
        I left everything I’d invested 12 years into and started over… I’ve not for one moment regretted my choice.
        It was scary and I felt ashamed that my marriage had failed, but I was more ashamed that I had given someone else absolute control of my life for so long.
        It has taken some time, but I can honestly say that have regained “my old self” again. Never again will I let someone make me feel unworthy to be a part of this world!
        Love yourselves ladies! You are beautiful!❤️

    • Deb says:

      Why do we the brunt of other people’s issues that not love

    • Karla says:

      wow…..you described my life with this man!

    • Tammy says:

      Oh my word- this is me. This is exactly me. Felt like I was the only one living this way.

    • AGM says:

      Wow! Also Anonymous, July 19 — your experience is almost identical to how I feel… silence, the bomb shelter, while lonely and sad is way safer. You just get too tired of the same battles. Thank you for giving it words.

    • Broken says:

      You described my marriage exactly!

    • ContentinChrist says:

      I tried many times to tell my husband that his repeated refusal to listen to or care about my hurt would eventually lead to a wall being put up. One day, it happened and what was interesting is that I didn’t purposely put up a wall. It just happened. I realized that the only way to stay in my marriage was for a part of me to die (and I’m not talking in a Christ-like way). I wouldn’t be me. During this time, God tore to pieces a lot of my long-held beliefs about divorce, submission, etc. He told me very specific things and led me out of my marriage. I sought counseling through all of this and hoped and prayed my husband would go but he went two times and told me in no uncertain terms he wasn’t going back. Not much you can do when someone refuses to do their part. Two years out of it and I am joyful and have seen the hand of God in my life providing for me over and over and opening doors through this process (even when I would ask God to slam them shut if I was hearing Him wrongly).

      It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced but the fruit already on the other side has been great.

      The main thing is….I’m free to be me. It is wonderful.

  3. Anonymous Husband says:

    Many stories of “covert” abuse go untold. Sadly, there are husbands that suffer at the hands of their wives, too. In these situations, there are wives that are disrespectful to their husbands: spending more time & energy with family & friends than their husbands, comparing their husbands to other men, flirting with other men, affirming other men more than they affirm their husbands, withholding affection & intimacy from their husbands, etc etc. All of this is emasculating and hurtful, and as the husband speaks out against such behavior, he is labeled abusive. Husbands have spirits, too, that can also be broken.

    • Anonymous says:

      Of course, but that is not what the article is about clearly. The article is about how to support her emotionally after she has been hurt by her husband. Pointing the fingers is mentioned actually in the what not to do advice in the article. As long as men will refuse to see what they can do and just point the finger at women they will never figure it out.

      • Anonymous wife says:

        Anonymous, you nailed it!!! Perfect response.

      • Anonymous says:

        Amen. I can blame myself enough, work on what I need to work on as an individual-I don’t need she does this, she did that. She’s crazy…I need an accountable partner, lover, and friend who is willing to do the work too!

    • Anonymous says:


    • Anonymous says:

      Amen to that

  4. Anonymous says:

    your comment really touched me. My wife and I separated. We both had inner vows,blended family issues mother in law issues as well as other baggage that contributed to where we are at right now. And I made a terrible mistake by having a on/off affair for several years, to which the female I was involved with contacted my wife and told her about it. Needless to say that really didn’t help. I feel horrible and asked for forgiveness. I can tell she has not done so yet. I’ve everything I possibly can to show that despite our problems, I want to be with her and only her. And she has been unresponsive. The only thing she says is she wants a divorce and she doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. I know she loves me, but she is very VERY hurt, and she doesn’t trust me. But I said all that to say, you were right. I’ve learned that no matter what u try, no matter what u say or do, if your wife is really hurt, the only thing u can do is respect her wishes of giving her space. And the only thing I can do is stay on my knees in prayer and allow God to change me into the man he wants me to be. And that’s what I’m doing.

    • Lana says:

      Anonymous. Can I ask you a question? How do you secretly cheat on you wife that you love so much for several years? And don’t cut it off or feel bad until you are finally caught??? Please answer,I want to hear from a male perspective because this happens a lot. Thank you

      • Bren says:

        My thoughts exactly! Had he taken the energy he spent in his on/off affair that had been going on for years, perhaps he would still have the wife he loves so dearly. Would the affair still be happening had he not been caught? Hmm…

      • Anonymous says:

        At this point she is probably not believing you are not sorry, you are just caught, you are sad about the consequences, it is having. Lack of forgiveness is a maybe, but when someone is really hurt and no longer trusts, you probably feel lack of trust whatever you say, may be interpreted as selfish, and untrue. Satan can have a field day with the mind of was hurt woman. And it’s natural consequences, the gate was wide open no Shepard was guarding, and trash is now piled inside, she feels dirty and used.

      • Anonymous says:

        Because we are a bigger mess than you think.

      • Anonymous says:

        Because we are a bigger mess than you think.

  5. Norma Jean Garcia says:

    I also have been in similar situations. I left my ex husband because he was physically and verbally abused. We went through counseling together, individual counseling, nothing worked. I finally left him after 12 years of marriage. I finally realized I was not the problem and only God could change him. I remarried another man whom I truly loved, he was amazing or so I thought. He hid alot of things about himself from me. Only after we were married did his true colors show. He had so many issues, I know we all have issues we deal with but his were extremely difficult to deal with. He had a sex addiction, he finally succumbed to his sickness and cheated on me. I was devastated because I thought he would never do this to me. We both had children from prior marriages but then he started being mean to my kids, wbo still were school age ,as time wemt on he became more verbally abusive. I don’t know why I tolerated yet another abusive relationship. I do love my husband and stayed with him after he cheated on me. We began going to church and getting counseling from our Pastor at church. Things were better for awhile then it all started again, the verbal abuse, the disconnection. All my kids were grown and moved away because they couldn’t tolerate him any longer. Now I’ve left him because im all these 12 years that we’ve been together, I finally reached my breaking point. I had lost myself, went into a deep depression, still dealing with that. Staying in this toxic marriage was a mistake. Being separated from him has been peaceful, I was always walking on egg shells, it feels liberating. Although I still love him, the trust is gone, without trust you don’t have anything, as much as I miss him , I know I have to work on my self now, learn to be alone and love myself. I allowed him to treat me this way because I didn’t value myself enough. He did so much damage to my soul, I in turn began to become bitter and angry. I knew it was time to leave. Noone has tbe right to judge you, unless they’ve walked in your shoes. Many people have told me , why didn’t you leave? How dumb I was for staying, well when you’re in an abusive relationship, they break you down a little bit everyday, until finally you have low self-esteem or none left. I know now that I’m worthy of more, of being loved, respected, and valued. Sometimes it isn’t that we love someone , it’s that we’re use to them, unable to be alone. I pray for all people who have gone through this, I realize how hard it is to walk away. It can be done, remember you’re worthy of a happy, peaceful life!

    • Anonymous says:

      Thank you for your comment. I felt like I was reading my life. I finally left my husband and its been peaceful and I see myself becoming the person I enjoy before I married.
      He trying to come back in my life, but I’m not feeling him like that anymore. He has done so so much damage, marriage was toxic, disrespectful kids, he immature and cheating and always yelling and fighting me. I called the and than moved out. Aasaassww peaceful

      • Deb says:

        After seeing the ttruth. My husband still says its always my fault. I try to look at it and do come to the conclusion that some things are m fault. But then I’m constantly berated. How much more is that damaging. Want to leave but have not gotten to that poit yet.

  6. staci says:

    I odnt even know how to begin. I married a wonderful man – a Christian man – we dated for 5 years because each one of us have baggage from another marriage. we talked and talked – we were friends way before any talk of marriage. I actually told my family I would marry him even if just because of his mother. This is the reason I’m stalled today. My mother-in-law. She has changed. I don’t believe she ever thought we would marry. Then we moved – out to her extended family that said they needed her. things changed and the one strong family member died. now it seems every day is a tug of war. she has moved in with us. I am at a point where I have told my husband I am at a loss of what to do. He walks away. hasn’t addressed and I feel won’t address the issues. where do I go?

  7. Nina Bonnett says:

    I’m literally in tears listening to the stories. It seems to be hope on one hand, then absolutely hopefully on the other when it comes to me expressing my wounded spirit, there’s been so much emotional mayhem, lack of genuine care and concern,that I truly believe we’re too far gone.

  8. No one says:

    I love my wife. We started in a life together in absolute joy. As time passed we began to argue and gripe with each other about everything. I began to feel that she no longer loved me and wanted me to be away from her. She has even stated to me that we get along better when I’m away. While in training I shared my feeling about my home life with a class mate. This class mate saw the weakness in me and exploited it. I cheated on my wife with this woman, all along giving myself the poor reasons for why I did it. Once I became aware of the burden I placed on my family and my excuses became just that…excuses, I tried to get away from this woman. She began attacking my wife by phone and social media. I would lie to suppress the damage but my wife knew in her gut what I had done. For months I would do everything to keep the truth from coming out, though I was no longer dealing with this woman, I wasn’t prepared for the pain that this incident caused. One day I confessed all my sins to my wife. I opened up and told her everything. She did not deserve to hurt from the questions building up in her mind. Also I needed to be a man and face my demon head on.
    Years have passed but things have changed. Now my wife has taken to the role of hurting me. She openly engages with a man but tells me she isn’t involved with him. I found pictures of the two in the bedroom. She told me that she would never hurt me again but she continues to see him. I am at a lost because for awhile I thought this was just my punishment, but now it’s just me suffering. The bond of trust is gone between us. I try to foster hope by giving her access to my phone and email. But it’s not reciprocated. She hold her secrets close to her. She sleeps with her phone under her body. I’m getting the feeling that she has moved on with this man and im just along because we have kids.

  9. Christy says:

    Honestly another person will never affirm you and the biggest problem I see is with women. They think a man will offer them security and reaffirmation, but women must learn to find this in Christ and in themselves.

    Our various cultures and societies have long disenfranchised us as females, but we no longer have this excuse. We can become educated, own businesses, properties, and be monetarily self-sufficient. This is what we need – not the slavery of dependency that many women subject themselves to. We should respect and esteem ourselves and accomplish things.

    Being a wife and a mother is important, but too many women limit themselves to this identity and do not broaden themselves. Women complain men are narrow, and unconversational, and limited while they sit and watch sports all day, but just as many women sequester and limit themselves as well – just with different hobbies and interests. Don’t let your culture and beliefs stunt you. Your culture and beliefs are not the Creator.

    Also I do not buy for a minute that there are never any warning signs of a mentally unstable or abusive individual. Many rush into marriages without taking time to properly observe how a person responds in difficulty. It is then that you see revealed the cloth the individual is cut from. There is suffering in this life and that is the blessing. It is real and pushes you toward the cross and towards dealing with your selfish sin nature. If this is not the priority of both people in the marriage, how can it last? Always you will both become selfish children at any moment of personal discomfort, inconvenience, or crisis.

    Also you need to ask yourself, if I reproduce with this person, do I necessarily want to see the traits we contain reproduced in my offspring? Because you can best believe they will be there. Be completed in Christ before involving other people. Know yourself and your purpose because you cannot truly be completed by another if you can’t be honestly intimate with your own heart.

    • Marie Miller says:

      I am a counselor, and many times I see the husband blamed for the problems. However, the wives must look at themselves and see where they are contributing to the problems. We, as wives, are very capable of demasculating and tearing down our husbands and thus closing their spirits. If you were as wrong as you think your husband is, how would you like to be approached and treated???

      • ED says:

        Thank you for being honest Marie!

      • ED says:

        Women can congregate on a website and commiserate about how bad their husbands are, without ever trying to give him the respect the Bible says he needs. You can bash him to all your friends and family, and then act surprised that he doesn’t want to socialize with them. You can air all your dirty laundry to the church and your women’s Bible study group in the name of “prayer requests”, but it is still just gossip that is cloaked in false spirituality. Instead, try losing the anger and the disrespect, and become a loving wife for him to come home to. Try loving him instead of condemning him. He works hard to provide for you, and yet you despise him in return?
        Proverbs says it is better for a man to live in the corner of an attic than in a big house with an angry woman.

        Don’t be that angry woman that the Bible is warning all men about!

    • Anonymous says:

      True, but there are emotional needs specific to women that men should know and care about in a marriage. I believe that is what this article is referring to.
      If a man wants a successful marriage with a woman a man should be aware and once that trust is broken it is very difficult to repair.

  10. "Yums" says:

    As I started reading this article, it started to scream at me. This is our life.
    I married an amazing man. The start of our relationship was just that, amazing!
    But as time went on, things changed. He changed.
    It started with the yelling, then looking for reasons to fight. Then the pushing came. One morning I was woken up with fist hitting my head and body. He wasn’t such a nice person anymore. This was not the man I fell in love with or married.
    This is when I decided to leave.
    I left serveral times. Always to go back. He’s my husband. I married him because I love the man I knew before.
    This last time, I have been gone for two years.
    In the 2 years, I had no “absolutely no” contact with him. Blocked him on all social media. Even changed my number.
    But at the 2 year and 4 day mark, I had to contact him.
    He weighted heavy on my mind.
    But for some reason, I’m always called back.
    So far this time… He has been so much different than before.
    Don’t get me wrong. My guard is still up and I still live in another state.
    But he has changed from what I and others can see.
    He’s more compassionate, thoughtful of what I think. He even looks at me differently!
    It’s hard to explain, but people really do change when they really want to change. And sometimes, they will make that change when faced with losing everything they truly love.
    I don’t know if he read your book, but I know he wants to do good and stay good.
    Now… I have to get use to his sensitive side, but if that’s all, I am completely happy with it.

    Marriage is a sacred bond that should never be broken.

    I do love my husband, and our reconciliation will take sometime, but that is something the both of us have. We have the rest of our life’s to figure each other out and to love more now than we did then.

    • Laurie says:

      Marriage is a sacred bond that should never be broken
      What if he had not changed? Sometimes there is no other option. In some situations, staying can be downright dangerous. It sounds like you are telling people that they should never divorce because their spouse will change, just like yours did. That’s not always true. I am happy that your situation looks promising but to sit there and say the marriage bond should never be broken is idealistic and can put guilt and pressure on other people who are in impossible and sometimes dangerous marriages.

      • Barbara says:

        Good insight but like you said luckily it is working for her and it looks like she is just sharing HER story. Sad that it took 2 years for her husband to realize that he can change and be a better man. We all want to live the fairy tale and praying it works out for her.

    • Anonymous says:

      Yums, you are smart to have your guard up because it takes time to discern between short term change and permanent change. If he changes I’m happy, but if he doesn’t it was his abuse that broke the “sacred bond” not your fleeing to safety. Even Jesus and the apostles fled persecution when it was possible to flee.

  11. Rather Not Say says:

    My husband and I are divorced and back together. We have a child together. We were married almost 10 years when I left. He was an abusive man. Mentally, physically. He would call me names and say how I was a horrible mother and person. It became abusive later in the marriage. Then one day he blew up and pulled a gun. He never pointed it at me but at himself. That’s was the end. I couldn’t do it anymore. I left. And wow! It was all my fault. I had the whole fight on voice recording and was still to blame. I made him that way. Here we are 3 years later back together. It was good at first. But now it’s back to where we started. I’m his punching bag and he gets to tell me how much he hates me.

    • Glendalis says:

      Rather not say you need professional help and start with yourself. Don’t wait for him. Take care of yourself first for your own safety. You have no power to change him, no one does, only God. But you are able to seek help for yourself and to take care of yourself and you need to be strong enough to. If you want to trust God for a miracle in him that’s fine but let God work and pray for him but protect yourself from harm and allow yourself to heal. Please be safe and stay safe. Talk to someone today that is able to help you. You need to be whole. God bless you.

  12. Kim says:

    While all people (men and women) have a tendency to be selfish, narcissism takes this to a whole other level, and leads to chronic unrepentant abuse. It looks like several respondeds are in this category, as am I. These people aren’t going to respond to these blogs and books because they are conscienceless. They don’t believe, never mind admit, that they do anything wrong. Everything is someone else’s fault. Even God can only save someone if they repent, but narcissists don’t repent, although they can make a good show of it, as my husband did. He hid the fact that he was accused of molesting a child before we got married (as did his entire family) and after I stood by him for 2 years through losing my own children (believing it was a false allegation), I got very ill. Then he dropped his mask and became extremely abusive, started sleeping around, filed for divorce, and is trying to leave me as dirt poor as possible. And of course he has taken nearly all of the money. He even went so far as to accuse me of having an inappropriate sexual relationship with my teenaged son, and when that was proven to be the false allegation it was, he accused my sonof molesting our daughter. Some situations there is just no working through; this is one of those, I believe, that God says if an inbeliever wants to leave, let them go!

  13. The Broken Poet says:

    My wife sent me this article a while back. I have never hit my wife but I know that I have far too often not thought about the implications of my words and the tones of my voice. I write this to maybe give some hope out there that while we have air in our lungs and Christ in our hearts there is always hope for change in a man. I have read this article three times and will probably have to keep referring back to it as an accountability and reminder of my need to change. One thing that God keeps laying on my heart is to pray for marriages starting with my own. It breaks my heart to think of how I wounded my wife over the years whether it is by being thoughtless or in my anger. I have a deep desire to see change in men’s hearts for our wives and for the sake of our children. I know that this does not instantaneously make things all better but on behalf of all the men out there I seek forgiveness and restoration of these relationships. Please know that I am praying for change in my own heart and in the heart of all men that we may learn to love our wives and children well.

    • Amera says:

      Beautifully said I pray for the day my husband opens his eyes and see that praying for his marriage and the desire to change will eventually heal our hearts, minds, and hopefully our marriage.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Sadly… this is my situation. I just pray that God works in my husband’s heart. I feel unloved and hopeless. My family far away(in another country) and not even knowing what I go through.
    This whole situation is affecting my physical, emotional, and mental health. On top of that, I’m expecting and it worries me that I don’t even have the energy to take care of myself or the little one I’m carrying in my woumb.

    • Anonymous says:

      Please pray, find counsel and a way to feed yourself well! I was in your situation and ended up developing high blood pressure! I hope things turn around for you!

  15. Wendy says:

    I too have had a sad married life. After married 10 years he had an affair,I forgave we reconciled. 13 years later his treatment towards me still the same, belittling ignoring unkind etc. He would say he struggled to be nice to me and didn’t know why. He said this in 2013 on Mothers Day again n I thought why am I with someone who struggles to be nice to me still. I was done. I told him I couldn’t take it anymore. I filed for divorce and he did nothing to stop it. Since then, 3 years niw, he has said he never loved me, was disconnecting from me since 2010. He was treating me in ways that were not loving yet I’m blamed for leaving n disrespecting him. He got married this past June I feel that door to my past is finally closed. The words he said to me over the years still replay but seem less. I discovered narcissism n believe that’s what I was dealing with. I am getting better healing and restored. I feel for others like me who tried for so long and then in the end get blamed for leaving. I just know God saw it all and truth prevails.

    • tina says:

      I have dealt with many of the things that you mentioned. I was with my husband for eleven years. He cheated and left and had to make me look like the bad person to make himself feel better. I know I was a good wife, I know I’m a good mother. I know I’m an overall good person in general. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. No one will ever understand this pain unless you’ve lived it. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m still hoping to wake up from the nightmare. My babies are 3 & 5 and they don’t understand. It’s so hard to watch them be brainwashed & tormented by his actions and there’s not much I can do. I choose not to join in, not to stoop to his level. He left over two years ago. Our divorce was final in October. For the entire time our divorce was pending & even since it’s been finalized, he has thought he could just come & go as he pleased. He wants his family back. I have put my foot down & told him you wanted this divorce, you were done & so am I! I am not your doormat!! Anyone out there dealing with this type of behavior, get out & get help. I’ve been in therapy for almost two years & pretty sure my babies will eventually need some type of therapy also when he gets done with them. It’s too sad 🙁

    • Annonymous says:

      Amen!I’ve been praying for the last few years for my husband to have a healthy,caring spirit again.I believe in the saying! Actions speak louder than words and his show that he is having an affair with a 25yr old young girl.IT sickens me that after23 yrs of marriage he all of the sudden said she is his best friend and I’m nothing but a back stabbing b word.So I left.And I’m trying to get over him and I haven’t cried although my heart hurts every second of the day.I’ve just been praying and staying busy.

  16. Tiffany says:

    My husband is the most verbal abusive man u have ever been with. I am at such a low place that I do not even know who I am any more. Then he is mad at me because I don’t go out of my way to make him happy. I am thinking about leaving with our child to get away from the abuse so that I can heal. He threatens to take everything away if I do so. If I leave with child out of state I fear getting in trouble. My family is out of state. I want to be where I am loved for me. My child watches his father scream and be little me, calle names and threatens to cause so much harm that I am in recognisable. I need help figuring out what to do. My soul is broken.

    • Tiffany says:

      Sorry about the spelling errors.

    • Anonymous says:

      Please keep youself safe. Pray and God will deliver from that situation. It may not be the way you want. But if a child sees this behavior please understand you are allowing it by being there. You gain your strength by showing the child you are protecting them.

    • Brock says:

      Hey Tiffany,

      I know I’m over a month late but I hope you read this.
      First of all I want to say to you that you are worthy and precious. And hear me when I say that you. are. enough. just the way you are!

      You deserve better and I desperately want you to seek legal advice. Many women I’ve spoken to, their husbands like to use the kids and their possessions to hang over their heads so they will never leave. (i.e I’ll take everything away from you if you leave)
      Get a lawyer speak with them about your rights as a parent and the first steps to take to get out of that awful situation before its too late for you and your little one. And the legal way of getting out so that your precious little one is safe with you wherever you go.

  17. Arnie Rogers says:

    Once his spirit is broken !!!

  18. Elvira says:

    I’m that woman. I’m in a place where I have disconnected from my husband. He has hurt me over and over. To be totally honest I don’t love or feel for him the way I know I should. If I want to leave him. NO. Cause I sincerely believe there can be change. There is no emotional connect from me to him. It’s a just blah we married so I keep my vow.

  19. kelly says:

    Are your books free?

  20. Precious says:

    Totally agreed with your analogy. Being married for 18 years, living with my husband who is careless with words and loose mouth. He’s negativity and inability to stand up for his family and quick with words in a condescending manner has already put a toll on our relationship and yet he thinks it was me the one who has the problem. For years, we would try to talk it out but it was always short lived. The next day, we will go back to where we first started. I’ve already come to a point that I see no reason to work out and put me through hopes to see him have a ‘revelations’. Now I just don’t have a care and worse no more love and respect for this man.

    • Daughter of the King says:

      I am so sorry. My situation is very similar. My husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive and it’s been very hard. I fell into a deep depression and almost 5 years ago, I tried to take my life by overdosing on prescription medication. Believe it or not, even after that experience, he still continued being negative. It’s a tough road especially because I love him dearly. Grace and love can cover it all. Jesus covers it all. I am praying for all wives in this situation, that they will turn to God in their time of deep need. He will never leave you or forsake you.

    • Candis says:

      Sounds like me except married 8 years.

    • Laura says:

      Unfortunately,I can completely understand and relate! God Bless!

  21. Caring Wife says:

    This is directed to husbands, and you stated above it is only one facet, which I totally understand. What advice do you have for the wife who has been hurt and retreated to her “bomb shelter”?

    • Here is a good link which is an excerpt out of our marriage book from chapter 9.


      Thank you,

      Dr. Force

      • CA dreamin says:

        When you are married to a Narcissist, loving kind often make the situation worse. Dont’ get me wrong, I choose to deal with my husband with integrity before God and to be peacable. however, some people are impossible to be at peace with. Bully’s only understand consequences, and sometimes, there must be guided consequences. Loving a man more, submitting more and giving more sex does not solve the problem as in my situation, and often makes it worse, because then they feel that they can continue to behave this way. There IS a time, under Godly supervision, to separate for the purpose of healing and restoration. A man may not be physically hitting his wife, but his emotional and verbal abuse is MORE damaging, according to many many studies. You just can’t see the affects of the abuse for many years. And they are harder to recover from. I am beginning to have panick attacks and nerve issues that are directly related to how my husband treats me. I will live my life with integrity, but one of us will be moving out, until there is true repentance. I physically cannot handle living with him any more. And i am writing this because there are people in marriages like mine who have done EVERYTHING, and because of our faith, do not even think about separation. But there is a time for everything…and done properly, with accountability.

        • Anonymous says:


        • S says:

          Right there with you.

        • Anonymous says:

          I couldn’t have said that any better. I am in the same exact position/relationship and feel there is no hope. I am emotionally exhausted and feel like I don’t want to go on. There is so much more to it but it is affecting my health and just don’t have the energy anymore to fight it either way.

        • TM says:

          I just asked my husband of 4 years to move out for these very reasons. There is a time when it is ok to walk away.

          • Tara says:

            I wish i could ask this man to leave, but it is his house, he never even put my name on it and he says i’m the one who will have to leave, so i guess some day it will be me leaving this nightmare.

        • Kelly says:

          This is absolutely true! I had to leave my husband of 21 years 9 months ago. I prayed so hard for so long.. tried being more submissive, loving, and respectful.. things got so much worse.. because it basically was like, he treated me badly and I was saying it was okay. For 20 years I blamed myself for all of it. I thought there was something wrong with me. we have 3 sons and they have been emotionally and physically abused by their dad as well I remember thinking that “If I was a better wife, he wouldnt get so angry with me”.I started having bad anxiety, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, lost a ton of weight. Most of all I felt like I was going insane.. once I left the first 3 months was very rough on me, but after going to a Christian counselor, I learned how to set up boundaries, unfortunately we could not make our marriage work, he refused to go to counseling on his own and claimed “he didn’t need it”. My church turned on me pretty much,a big part was because of him, and the other part was people didn’t understand what emotional abuse and gaslighting does to a person’s psychological state.and because some of them felt I was just wrong for leaving my marriage… I lost most of my church family, and lifelong friends.. however, I now realize they were not my friends to begin with..not really. people who are your”true” friends dont throw you away when you dont act the way they think you should..I was so hurt and felt I’d lost every friend I had.. But thankfully I have now learned that I have to set boundaries with everyone in my life. Which means not sharing so much of my life with people. I have learned that “Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend”. Thankfully God has provided for me in everyway. Not only financially but God has blessed me with true friends who have helped me and stood by me. I believe My Heavenly Father loves me. And I do believe without a shadow of a doubt, that I did what God led me to do. We are called to serve God. And a woman who is so focused on pleasing a husband who can’t be pleased.. well doesn’t leave much time to serve the Lord. God bless I hope this helps someone in my same situation. Also if you have children like I do? My biggest worry was raising my kids in a broken home.. guess what? My boys are so much happier now that they don’t have to walk on eggshells all the time in their own home. My only regret is not leaving sooner.

          • Mims says:

            Thank you for writing this! same situation here.

          • Anonymous says:

            This gives me hope! I’m confused in which path to take. Even after physical mental abuse to myself and our children my own parents still tell me to stay. I’ve been married for 20 years . 3 of the 5 children have anger problems and I believe it’s all due to how their father treats their mom and how he treats them. I feel like I’m enabling this unhealthy situation by staying . Our children have witnessed too much damage. I don’t know what to do. I started going back to church and letting go and letting God guide my life. Thank you for sharing this . Helps me to feel I’m not alone.

        • Keri Krake says:

          Totally agree.

  22. Anonymous says:

    I agree with this but is this to say I’m not suppose to expect my wife to work on her issues of disrespect and her general attitude of contemp, that she has full athority to stomp allover my emotions with out saying anything and just suppress my hurt without saying I would like her to be more loving towards me? Don’t get me wrong I know I’ve hurt and dissapointed my wife more then any husband should but I’ve been working on my issues in every way I possible can I don’t know what to do to get back my bride that was so soft and loving

    • Your reply seems to be a common reply, but it exposes the utter inability that our society has to critically think through issues and, especially, good reading material.

      An author’s point of view on one subject in a 500 word blog obviously does not encompass his or her entire view on a subject. This article only presents one facet of the diamond. You may want to read the other 300 articles on our site, or, better yet, our entire marriage book before coming to such a conclusion.

      Thank you,

      Dr. Force

    • Amy Bahen says:

      If she is wounded and you don’t give her the space and time she needs, all you will have left is time and space….alone. life is not fair, I’m guessing she learned that first from those closest to her. I believe there are 2 types of love selfish, and selfless. Even if she does not practice selfless love practice the latter. Christ’s life was full of selfless love the world is full of selfish love, learn it or pay the consequence.

  23. Johnny Ray Brown says:

    Very imformative and God ordained.

  24. Aja says:

    Your marriage should be a place of refuge not a place of torment. Be that safe place.

  25. Dean says:

    How can I show my wife I still love her? How do I regain her trust?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Marriage and Relationship Coaching

Over the Phone
Call Us at 1-888-642-3036
Talk Now - Live 24/7 Help
Order Our Marriage Book
How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another


  • Learn our 2-step Process to Solving Marriage Issues
  • Use for your next Bible study
  • A Biblical and Refreshing Approach



Marriage and Relationship Coaching

Over the Phone
Call Us at 1-888-642-3036
Talk Now - Live 24/7 Help
Order Our Marriage Book
How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another


  • Learn our 2-step Process to Solving Marriage Issues
  • Use for your next Bible study
  • A Biblical and Refreshing Approach