In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
My husband is bipolar and has left me. I believe he is in a manic state but he is not a loving affectionate person any time.how can I fight for my marriage if he has left? We aren’t divorced.
I am sorry this has taken place in your marriage. You may want to start by perusing through our online help page.
The most frustrating part about life is that we cannot control the dysfunctional behavior of others. I will pray for you. You may want to especially read this article which is an excerpt from our marriage book:
https://hittinghomeministry.com/feeling-discouraged-in-marriage/
Thank you,
Dr. Force
In my son’s marriage everything is different. It has been very sad to see my son change in the way that he has over their 12 years together as She has the upper hand in everything. Too too lengthy to go in to, but he has treated her well and like a Queen and she’s been harsh, know it all, and has demasculated him. She is not a good wife or mother. Your book would prob not do him any good.
There are certainly bitter women that live with good men. You may want to check out this article:
https://hittinghomeministry.com/is-it-always-the-mans-fault-in-a-marriage/
Thank you,
Dr. Force
I just found this site and haven’t done a lot of reading yet but it seems to put the emphasis on men as the ones that need to change. Seems unbalanced. Most of the time men seem to be hard on men and afraid to write to women but like you said, there are plenty of women that are also needing change. I know I have lots of area of growth but I think something is wrong when my wife is constantly sending me these articles about how I should be better. Is that what scripture is for? So we can tell others what they are doing wrong. I see it first as something for my personal growth. It makes a challenging journey more difficult and frustrating. How about some encouragement on what we are doing right. I’ve read A LOT of what’s out there and there is an imbalance out there. Men have done a lot of wrong and need lots of change and I think much of the time men who write these articles are writing out of guilt, fear of stepping on women’s toes or trying to look religiously [politically] correct. I love to hear correcting messages and look for change in my life but I find some people annoying when I sense in equality. Neither women nor men are going to be able to blame the other for their actions. Why even suggest that with some of these titles.
Yo must not have read articles such as:
https://hittinghomeministry.com/how-to-respond-husband/
https://hittinghomeministry.com/negative-wife/
https://hittinghomeministry.com/controlling-christian-wife/
Dr. Force
The irritation you feel when your wife shares articles with you is from a wounded ego. It is time to put your pride aside & see her sharing for what it is… Her attempt to communicate her needs in a non-confrontational way.
Is it possible that your pride has made it difficult for her to speak to you about her needs directly?
Marriage has no room for one’s own pride. Trying reading the articles, letting your wife know that you are hearing her, & then letting her know that her constant sharing of said articles makes you feel like she does not see your efforts only your shortcomings. This kind of honest, loving communication is what makes a relationship strong.
Good luck & God bless.
You know after being married to a very negative man for 24 yrs, working for 18 of those yrs to fix myself to make him happy which doesn’t work bc what makes him happy today is not good enough when you change, if a man truly cherished his wife, there’s not one thing in this world she would not do for him happily.
There’s only one answer to your issue, truly love & cherish your wife. Simple but seems difficult for most men. There’s nothing in this world a woman wouldn’t happily do for a man that loved & cherished her. Cherish comes from a deep love in your heart that is manifested through words actions and attitudes flowing out of that heart of great love. It displays kindness, compassion, integrity, goodness & self control all wrapped in gentleness.
Certainly I can understand that it sometimes seems pastors, authors, and counselors are tough on men. But I believe God gave us men the accountability, authority, and strength. Therefore it is right for us to be the first focus when there are relationship problems. Now I am remarried, functional, leading, & healthy, but along the way I’ve MANY times listened to my strong, Biblical pastor preach it is the man’s responsibility. It is. My ex-wife had the affair, failed to respect me, filed the papers, refused to finish working together, divorced also her 2nd husband, … STILL I accept it is & was my responsibility to love sacrificially, nurture my wife & kids, be the priest of my home …