A Woman Really Wants What She Doesn’t Want


If a man only works at providing an atmosphere of love and safety in his marriage, he will fall short of fulfilling his role as a husband. Though love and safety are vital, a man also needs to add a little danger to the mix in order to complete the romantic puzzle.


Stories Little Girls Read


Little girls do not just read stories about flowers, dresses, and parasols. They also read about dangerous rescues involving princes and princesses. To be frank, without danger, strength, and risk, these very same stories bleed of boredom.


Danger Without Discretion


One of the reasons why this notion seems so foreign to us is because we have seen so much danger without discretion from our males. Consequently, many have thrown danger to the side thinking it has no place in the life of a male and especially marriage. Unfortunately, once this occurs, we are left with a male that resembles a woman’s best girlfriend with simply the added benefit of procreation and financial provision.

Men were created to fight, engage in battle, climb high mountains, and take extraordinary risk (I Samuel 16:18). However, when men attempt these very same things without the wisdom of God, character, and the leadership of the Holy Spirit, instead of blessing, these attributes lead to destruction and devastation (Proverbs 13:15). They leave a woman shaking her head and thinking that her way is better. It also ends with her formulating a set of controls that will never allow a man in her life to act in a boyish way again, at least not under her emotional command.


From a Boy to a Man


I freely admit my wife married a boy instead of a man. The problem, however, was that I tried to fight like a man but with the wisdom and ability of a boy. The result was not pretty in that it left my wife with a lack of faith in my ability to move the family forward. Her conclusion was verbalized in the following ways:


“Why can’t you just play it safe?”

“Can’t you just get a steady job like everyone else?”

“Why can’t you just be happy with the status quo?”


Great Leaders


Good leaders take people where they want to go. Great leaders take people where they don’t necessarily want to go but are certainly happy once they arrive.

what a woman wants

One of the major issues we have in our society today is that a maternal spirit of safety and softness is determining our approach to business, defending our borders, establishing protocol in business and the home, et cetera. The underlying problem with this is that to forge ahead toward any high and lofty goal, families, organizations, and churches will have to take risk, be aggressive, and make what sometimes appear to be cold and calculated decisions. These attributes are male in essence, yet they are suppressed in our day by this matriarchal spirit that seems to have taken over our society.


A Woman Really Wants What She Does’t Want


Once again, little girls read about dangerous rescues by a masculine prince of a feminine princess.

At some point in the rescue, the princess will have to release control of her grip on the castle walls and trust in the prince’s ability to fight. In other words, initially, she will resist letting go of her grip. However, she knows the end result of letting go will scare in her the process but lead to a heightened level of joy. Deep down, she knows that the low feeling of fear will result in a higher sense of elation.

Herein lies the great error of our day. I see many a man that says, “Well she doesn’t want me around.”, “She said she doesn’t care what I do.”, or “She doesn’t seem like she wants me to do anything for her.” And, to this I affectionately say,

“What’s wrong with you man? Don’t you know that a woman will often resist that which she really wants? More often than nought, she’s just looking for someone strong enough and wise enough to encourage her to release her emotional grip from the walls of safety she has erected. Get some wisdom in your soul and fight the battle that will, at first, scare her but lead to a better place of safety and intimacy.”


Practically Speaking


I believe in dangerous leadership. That is, my leadership is aggressive, sometimes risky, strong, and, hopefully, Biblical. Without such leadership I find that I do not endear respect nor do we reach high emotional mountain peaks as a family, business, and a church.

Practically speaking, this all means the following:


In the Realm of Business


I am constantly looking for new mountains to climb. However, this does not mean that I take the food money and spend it on risky ventures. It means that I have earned the trust to move to the beat of a different drum and create job opportunities instead of just looking for a job. It means that I have earned the right to move according to my primary area of giftedness.

There was a day when I had blown a few business deals and made some bad decisions. So instead of throwing a fit because my wife became tense about my future business ventures, I took some time and worked a regular job to allow us to get back on our feet. I learned from my mistakes and started businesses that were viable and liquid from the get-go. This allowed me to earn the trust needed to take a little more risk in other areas.


My Wife Compliments My Masculinity


Instead of criticizing my masculinity or competing against it, my wife compliments it by throwing her support my way. As mentioned in chapter 10 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, though we are both on the opposite end of the see-saw, our differences provide a healthy sense of balance that is often used to help others and glorify God.


My Wife is Patient with My Masculinity


My wife understands that neither one of us are perfect. In fact, we are very far from it.

Accepting my masculine tendencies means that sometimes my intensity spills over into unforeseen areas, and as I work my way through finding a healthy balance, she allows me to grow gracefully.

Practically speaking, this means that sometimes I show too much intensity in little things around the house and with the children. However, just as I am to be patient toward her weaknesses, her patience towards mine helps me to grow out of my inconsistencies at a better rate than if she is constantly berating me.


I Cannot Be Hypocritical


It would be unbelievably hypocritical for me to encourage my wife to follow my leadership if I am not first submitting to the leadership of Christ. If this ever occurs, then I am simply using the scriptures as a means to my own end, and I am deceived at thinking she should follow Ephesians 5:24 if I am not willing to follow Ephesians 5:25.


Christ Must Give Me the Proper Balance


A Biblical man will have the proper balance between love, aggressive behavior, intensity, honesty, humility, and confidence. I must say, however, that only the Holy Spirit can give that perfect balance.

Remember, the same Christ that was patient toward the woman at the well is the same Christ that withstood the Pharisees, and, that very same Christ lives within all husbands that believe unto salvation. (I Corinthians 2:16)


My Wife Let’s Me Be a Man


Our women are negative, skeptical, and tight-spirited in our day because it has been a few generations since they have seen real men at large. When this occurs, as stated in the article, women will gain a tight hold on those castle walls. However, I find it important to encourage women to leave room for God to work in the lives of their men.

We all know not to lose faith in God, but I also find that if we lose faith that people can change, then we start to stagnate in life.

With God all things are still possible.


For Individual or Group Study


Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual as well as small group study purposes. To find out more about our marriage book, visit our online resource center. Also, available in Kindle for an immediate download.

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