I am finding an increasing amount of men that are just plain mad. They are mad about their marriage, the treatment they receive from their wives, and what they view to be an uneven playing field when it comes to marriage.
Below are few reasons why I believe this to be occurring.
Some Men Have Fallen Into A Pit of Their Own Making
Mankind in general is prone to sabotaging his own own success and then loathing the negative repercussions that follow. Here are a few verses from Proverbs that undergird this thought:
Proverbs 26:27 – “Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein: and he that rolleth a stone, it will return upon him.”
Proverbs 11:17 – “The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh.”
From my experience of dealing with men, many a man has dug a pit of anger, bitterness, and laziness only to end up falling in himself. He often does this by:
Failing To Lead His Family Toward The Light
If a man is not leading his family toward the Light, darkness will prevail in his marriage. It is that simple. Though his accusations will be hurled at the disrespect he is receiving from his family, many times, the darkness of disrespect is only present as a result of his leadership away from the Light of God’s Word.
Being Loose With His Words
A man’s words are like a boomerang. What he gives out will always find a way of coming back to him.
Failing To Protect The 3 Parts Of His Household
Marriage is more than a paycheck. A husband should be looking out for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of his family. If he is not loving his family in these three areas, negative repercussions will follow, and his temptation will be to get mad at the trouble that his lack of care in all three of these areas has caused. We deal with this in chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
Some Men Are Still Carrying An Emotional Debt of Sorts
Many wives are still paying off the emotional debts that wayward fathers and bitter mothers charged to their spouse. However, it should be noted that this is why we teach that a happy marriage is comprised of happy spouses. That is, I like to say that my wife and I do not have a great marriage because we have one another, we have a great marriage because we are filled with God’s love and joy before we even see one another.
We often say that people have a God-shaped vacuum, but they also have what I call a Dad-shaped vacuum. That is, many men go through life trying to get out of others what they never received from their dads and moms. Thankfully, God is a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5), and only He can succeed where our earthly parents failed.
A wife cannot fix what others have broke. Only God is able to do that. Although her love can help to display what I call God’s love with skin on it, ultimately, God has to do the fixing.
Some Men are Dealing with Relational Injustices
Many men complain to me that they feel there is an unequal playing field when it comes to marriage. Some even feel that an unbalanced emphasis on Ephesians 5:25 without mentioning Ephesians 5:24 is almost empowering women to withhold their love and affection toward their husbands.
I deal with this aspect in our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, as I wrote:
“Throughout time, women have been tempted to withhold their love and affection toward their husbands because they fail to measure up to their expectations. A woman that has given in to this temptation must realize that when she holds back from loving her husband because he doesn’t meet her standards, she is simply holding her love as a ransom until he comes up with the appropriate payment. This is actually a form of manipulation.”
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
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So u are saying that if a woman doesn’t respect he husband the right way then they are to blame for the marriage falling apart???
That was my reaction to this as well. As the victim of spousal abuse (physical, emotional, and spiritual), this seems highly simplistic. In my case, I am expected to treat him and his wishes with great deference while my wishes are completely disregarded as well as being called a whore/slut/bitch on a daily basis. All the while being told that if I don’t forgive immediately I’ll “go to hell”. Meanwhile he is being considered for deaconship at our church. Sorry for the long comment, but I just felt another perspective was needed.
That is why the article says ” other than in times when tough love must be exhibited.” I’m sorry you have had to go through such a hard time. When abuse is involved it is a different story, boundaries must be set and safety ( physically, emotionally, spiritually must be priority. Praying for you and that you will be loved as you should be ( God says husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies.) and know that you are loved so much by the Lord who wants to help and heal you.
almost exact situation. We need a support group. I don’t think God expects our life to be this way but where do we even start? Praying for you
That would be great to start a support group!! Please do, I promise I’ll join in fellowship, prayer, and encouragement!! God knows I need help and I’m the leader in my home, too.. It’s tough and spiritually draining.. 🙁
It’s amazing what they do behind closed doors M.
But God sees all.
I agree!!!!!!
No you should not have to put up with that and I believe that’s what they are saying in the article at times tough love is necessary-meaning you leave and get safe and if they treat you that way and refuse help counseling in change you love them and yoursel enough not to continue in the destructive cycle. God does not call you to be abused.
I too am a victim of abuse. Additionally my husband is diagnosed as having bipolar yet he refuses to take his medication and is frequently degrading and mean. Additionally, he does not work and refuses to smoke cigarettes outside thus purposely exposing me and our three children to secondhand smoke. He is 40 and a college graduate. He denies that secondhand smoke is cancerous. I am strongly thinking about leaving him again but I am torn because I know that God hates divorce. Does He hate abuse as well?
I was deeply impressed by the book ” The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.” In it the author makes the point that God loves individuals before institutions. She doesn’t think God loves marriage above and beyond how each person in the marriage is being treated. He loves you deeply and cares that you are not being respected and cared for as Christ loves the church. I do not like divorce and never wanted one, but the world is a broken place and things happen along the way. I believe we are allowed to exercise tough love. And in all honesty it seems that you have not really had a marriage with him for some time. Please stand up for yourself and how you should be treated and be the role model you want your kids to have. Living in dysfunction while telling them it is normal is going to affect them the rest of their lives. And letting your husband do as he likes is also enabling him to continue in his harmful choices. A separation may be what will put his own consequences of his behavior back on him so that maybe he will seek God’s way. I know how destructive bi-polar can be.
Absolutely. God actually designed marriage to be between 2 equal people with Him (Holy Spirit ) as the “head”. Incidentally the Greek word for head has nothing to do with authority, leading, or any kinf of patriarchal system. It has only to do with Paul correcting their creations theology. Male was created first, then female. Marriage is about intimacy. Not power and control. You can only build intimacy between 2 equal people. And contrary to traditional misinterpretation of the Scripture husband and wife should be equal and the Holy Spirit is the only authority over husband and wife because all of us are to be led by Him.
The Bible does not say “God hates divorce” meaning that we are trapped in abuse. God has never called his children to victimization in relationships, EVER. God loves people, relationships, and spiritual connection. God hates abuse. Jesus walked away from his own family when they attempted to abuse him. He walked right through them, and did not come back or minister to them again. He is our example to follow. Jesus did not ever allow himself to be victimized. He chose the cross as a substitute for us, because He is our savior. Therefore, we do not have to die for our sins, or “bear the cross” for our husband. Being abused will not lead your husband to salvation. It is condoning evil behavior in the name of God, which is an act of evil in itself. We must say “NO” to abuse like Jesus did if we want our husband to come to God. Allowing him to abuse you is protecting him from the Godly consequences of his sin. An abuser must face the natural consequences of his abusing, which is loss of fellowship with his victims. Do not stay with an abuser.
Um, okay, 1 Peter 3:1 is written specifically to believing wives with unbelieving husbands. The husband is lost, therefore, of course the kingdom of darkness is all he has to give her. That’s why she is to offer respect to him whether he earns it or not…he’s the mission field for her personally. But if he’s claiming he’s a Christian, a totally different approach is commanded. This is where Matt. 18 comes into play. Christians are accountable to one another, most especially inside the marriage covenant. And any time abuse is the norm, tough love is the only way to show agape. It’s exactly what God does to us when we refuse to repent. I recommend Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townshend. To permit abuse to continue is to be the wicked servant who hid his talent in the ground because he was afraid. We are stewards. We are not permitted to enable abuse. And abuse usually comes with codependence, so the abused has hard work to do, too. Speaking from experience.
THANK YOU!!!
I took, from the quote, that if a man cannot follow God, he cannot be leader.
M.tell your church about the abuse he’s in no position to be a deacon. You should pray first but do not let him demean you you can forgive but do not forget and don’t let this abuse keep happening! A true man of God is gentle and kind not abusive!
Husbands honor your wife so all may go well with you!
Sometimes that could be true. People tend to live up to or down to expectations. Treat someone with respect and they may try to be someone to respect. Regardless of how someone else acts Jesus commands us to love others as we love ourselves. It can be very hard sometimes because we tend to want to treat people the way they treat us. We can’t change how others act, only ourselves. I have found that usually the more you show God’s love, the happier the marriage. Forgive quickly and look out for the needs of your partner. You may be surprised how quickly he/she responds in kind. BTW, if a spouse is being abusive-it does say “other than times when tough love must be exhibited.”
*as decent