Why Men Are Mad


I am finding an increasing amount of men that are just plain mad. They are mad about their marriage, the treatment they receive from their wives, and what they view to be an uneven playing field when it comes to marriage.

Below are few reasons why I believe this to be occurring.


Some Men Have Fallen Into A Pit of Their Own Making


Mankind in general is prone to sabotaging his own own success and then loathing the negative repercussions that follow. Here are a few verses from Proverbs that undergird this thought:


Proverbs 26:27 – “Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein: and he that rolleth a stone, it will return upon him.”


Proverbs 11:17 – “The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh.”


From my experience of dealing with men, many a man has dug a pit of anger, bitterness, and laziness only to end up falling in himself. He often does this by:


Failing To Lead His Family Toward The Light


If a man is not leading his family toward the Light, darkness will prevail in his marriage. It is that simple. Though his accusations will be hurled at the disrespect he is receiving from his family, many times, the darkness of disrespect is only present as a result of his leadership away from the Light of God’s Word.


Being Loose With His Words


A man’s words are like a boomerang. What he gives out will always find a way of coming back to him.


Failing To Protect The 3 Parts Of His Household


Marriage is more than a paycheck. A husband should be looking out for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of his family. If he is not loving his family in these three areas, negative repercussions will follow, and his temptation will be to get mad at the trouble that his lack of care in all three of these areas has caused. We deal with this in chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.


Some Men Are Still Carrying An Emotional Debt of Sorts


Many wives are still paying off the emotional debts that wayward fathers and bitter mothers charged to their spouse. However, it should be noted that this is why we teach that a happy marriage is comprised of happy spouses. That is, I like to say that my wife and I do not have a great marriage because we have one another, we have a great marriage because we are filled with God’s love and joy before we even see one another.

We often say that people have a God-shaped vacuum, but they also have what I call a Dad-shaped vacuum. That is, many men go through life trying to get out of others what they never received from their dads and moms. Thankfully, God is a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5), and only He can succeed where our earthly parents failed.

A wife cannot fix what others have broke. Only God is able to do that. Although her love can help to display what I call God’s love with skin on it, ultimately, God has to do the fixing.


Some Men are Dealing with Relational Injustices


Many men complain to me that they feel there is an unequal playing field when it comes to marriage. Some even feel that an unbalanced emphasis on Ephesians 5:25 without mentioning Ephesians 5:24 is almost empowering women to withhold their love and affection toward their husbands.

I deal with this aspect in our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, as I wrote:

“Throughout time, women have been tempted to withhold their love and affection toward their husbands because they fail to measure up to their expectations. A woman that has given in to this temptation must realize that when she holds back from loving her husband because he doesn’t meet her standards, she is simply holding her love as a ransom until he comes up with the appropriate payment. This is actually a form of manipulation.”

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Posted in Issues Relating to Husbands

157 comments on “Why Men Are Mad
  1. Almost free says:

    All of these comments are disheartening. Not so much because of the unbelieving husband but because some of these men are in churches without any accountability. My story is similar to all of these comments except I finally left. Ladies seek the Lord for what you ought to do.

    • Demetrius Belcher says:

      Also I see many women on these comments have left have you tried any type of counseling or sitting down with the man and trying to figure out a common ground show him the word love him even if he doesn’t love you just like Christ loved the church and gave himself for the church and was willing to die for the church

      • Blake Winder says:

        Some women will just refuse to see Godly leadership. And they push you, then deflect. They will bleed you dry, sap your soul, and take everything your flesh has ever wanted. But they CANNOT keep you from His promise. Some things are not what God has intended, and if you follow the truth, and surrender your heart, to His will, He will lead you. I will not say it will be easy, but you cannot force your will anymore. Trust in His, my brother.

  2. IJS says:

    How can a wife submit (totally) to a man that has verbally abused her over and over again? Because woman love with their hearts, it is so hard to be intimate with a man that has labeled you everything BUT a child of God!
    I have been called things by the man that made a vow to love me that I deem to be more offensive than most of the rap songs out these days!
    It is NOT “Relational Injustice” however, it is being true to yourself!
    I am not perfect, but I have sure been faithful! And trying to live right, I made a vow that whatever I do would be in good faith with a clear conscious! My conscious is not clear, when submitting without care.

    • Tina says:

      AMEN Hallelujah thank you for your comment. I’m going through the same. Love and and blessings to y’all

    • BD Jr says:

      I would say that it would be similar to being married to an unbeliever. You continue doing what you should do with the goal of winning him over to repentance. It is just as hard for a man to love a rebellious woman who henpecks him.

      Neither party is afforded conditions to their command. It isn’t a do only if they do this.

    • Carrie says:

      I’m in a similar state of mind. I’ve forgiven my husband for cheating but he kept doing it. He is still emotionally and verbally abusive (it used to be physical too). i can not bring myself to be intimate with him after he says and does the things he has been doing. I’m just want to be loved and appreciated and treated with respect. I’ve given in to his demands for several years now and he’s still the same. I feel like if i give in anymore, then i’m giving him permission to treat me like that. Then he feels that its okay to treat me horribly and he’ll still get what he wants. I don’t feel like god would want me to submit to such a cruel, destructive person.

      • Rachel says:

        I think one thing needs to be made clear: you should not stay with an abusive man! Sometimes the church enables this. This is not ok. If he is abusive to you, even emotionally, leave. Tell him to come find you when he’s got himself together, has gotten actually therapy from a licensed psychologist, and can say he has worked through his problems and can speak to you with love and respect. Men of the church, do not enable men to abuse women. Do not tell her to be respectful or not withhold her love. Abuse means run.

    • Renee says:

      Amen Tina,
      Thanks for the comment. I am going through the same! Love to you with many blessings!!

  3. Letting go says:

    Do believe a wife should stay with an abusive husband

    • God's Child says:

      My situation is the opposite. My husband is with holding his body from me because he is angry with me due to him being lost in darkness and I’m standing on GOD’S WORD. I’m fighting for my marriage alone. I battle with several spirits mainly manipulation and control from my mate. I seek God in all I do. But when you have a bitter husband and you aren’t on the same page spiritually this is the outcome.. LIVING IN DARKNESS. Division, unforgivness, anger, bitterness etc. all was there prior to our marriage actually it stems from childhood to his 1st marriage. Me aS his current wife is reaping the residue from it all. Finances, love, affection everything is just gone. HE CUT ME OFF NO CONVERSATION OR PLAN. HE LEFT AND BEEN GONE FOR 1YEAR. It’s to the point my mate is not speaking to my kids from 1 incident that could’ve been avoid if the mindset and alcohol wasn’t apart of the equation with him. So now it’s been 5mths no intimacy. To me that’s the last straw for the MARRIAGE. When do you say ok I can’t be in this pit of unforgivness, bitterness, anger, pride, hatred, etc. any longer…. this is what you call the PIT OF DARKNESS..

      • BD Jr says:

        I can sympathize. We will have been married for 13 years and out of those 13 8 have been without physical intimacy. I have done stretches of 2 years, 2 years, and 2 1/2 years. It is a once every 2-3 months thing now.

      • Silent Tears says:

        5 months? Try over two years. Actually only 3 or 4 times in 6 or 7 years. I get the silent treatment, which I have come to enjoy. Slamming doors over whatever he has made up in his head at that moment. Petty childish head games that I’ve learned to expect and, for the most part, ignore. My husband is nothing more than a paycheck because that is what he has chosen. My laughter, peace and love (not physical, I have remained faithful as far as that goes) come from others. It is a hell that I refuse to lie down and die in. Him and his mental health issues have ruined my kids. Be careful who you marry. Some people can pretend for a long time that they are not who they pretend to be. Oh, by the way, no sex on my wedding night either. Game changed the second we said ‘I do’.

      • Anonymous says:

        I Cor 7:15-16

    • Tracie says:

      Absolutely not. That is a spiritual battle and not of God. God cares more about people than an institution of marriage. Staying with an abuser is a spiritual death of the oneness between two people..God does not expect anyone to live with an abuser bc that is not of Him but the enemy.

      • Trina says:

        Thank you for sharing ive dealt with that for 10 years and told myself would God be mad at me for not wanting to stay in this marriage because so many times I could of lost my life…I believe that God understand you I needed and wanted out..but I needed a closer to this I haven’t been with him for going on 6 years and only now going through a divorce…I know god understands and is quick to forgive but my question is?…is he mad at me for leaving

        • Rachel says:

          No! He’s not mad at you for leaving. He’s mad at your ex for hurting his precious daughter. His behavior is inexcusable. You are a precious gift to the world, and anyone who treats you otherwise is not following God.

    • BD Jr says:

      My belief is that divorce is not something that God wants in any case. Marriage being described as two flesh joining and becoming one. It isn’t something meant to be split apart.

      It is unfortunately a scenario that has existed throughout history even though it should not have. Women were seen as property during this time with no rights.

    • Blessed says:

      Absolutely not. God is Love, the enemy is abusive and neglectful. Also that same spirit/manner is taught to the children if the have them. They either learn to become abusive or allow someone to abuse them. Not healthy nor the will of God!

    • Anonymous says:

      What?!?!? Absolutely not!

  4. abby says:

    You say withholding from your husband is a form of manipulation since when they finally exhibit certain behavior then the wife will give affection or respect. I am not sure if it is,always manipulation when giving and being available to someone who is unavailable and not a safe place is so extremely painful. It becomes too painful to give out of such a place of emptiness, pain, and aloneNess. That is not so much manipulation as it is a protecting and guarding against more pain.

    • Anonymous says:

      Thank you.

    • Built a Wall says:

      This is absolutely true. My husband has hurt me and I no longer feel safe or connected to him. His critical attitude and negative spirit are crushing to say the least. Guarding and protecting myself has become a priority.

      • GOD'S love says:

        I believe at some point the finger has to stop being pointed towards the husband. Maybe it’s time for ladies to work on themselves instead of trying to fix there husband. Pushing your husband to be more of man of God or to read scripture is only going to push him further away. I don’t think women look at the whole picture when a man is being forced he will never do it. Let him get there on his time and that time is with God and himself. Men deal with all kinds of emotional stuff like paying bills, trying to have wife not to worry and that everything will be ok. When a man gives it 110%. Women don’t see what men deal with daily. When a man feels he can’t open up to his wife that’s when it all starts, he has the fear of being honest and telling his wife , the fear of losing her. Assure your husband you are there for them no matter what. May God Bless you all. Men stand strong and keep your head in the word of God

    • Kimberley says:

      I totally agree. It is just as much manipulation to expect for the wife to keep giving and giving and not withholding while you do what you want as the husband with no regard for her needs. Who is manipulating then? The husband or the wife?

    • AMD says:

      Take it further.
      If he’s abusive, blames you for everything, a loner, uncommunicative and so much more…….you learn to withhold to protect yourself.
      Especially when letting down ur guard & being vulnerable results in your being traumatized!
      Even after 20 years of making sure he went to work with a smile on his face.
      My payment::::more hell!
      After 25 years, I gave up.
      We are at 33 years and never had a good year!!!!!!

    • Anonymous says:


    • Geena says:

      That is right on..sometimes you have to protect your own heart,when your spouse is not.

    • BD Jr says:

      1 Cor 7: 3 A husband should fulfill his marital responsibility to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    • Brita says:

      Yes!!! Abby is absolutely correct, most wives don’t withhold to manipulate, it’s from a place of hurt, pain, and defense of self and her wounded heart.

    • Anonymous says:


    • Anonymous says:

      Agreed! My husband became an alcoholic and always wanted me to be his designated driver every weekend. Then when our first child was colicky his temper emerged. My anxiety went through the roof. Had a second child and he’s better with her but screamed at her for crying when she didn’t feel good. His brother fuels his contempt for me, criticizing my faith and then mad that I don’t want him as godfather. The past few years have been increasing verbal and emotional abuse which came to a head 3 months ago with physical abuse. I tried to leave but not that easy. Pastor and others at church know, but can’t find counseling. No help there. My husband thinks that since it’s been 3 months since he hit me or been drunk at home (new rule, he’s not allowed to come home until sober), that everything should be ok now. The wounds are too deep. The trust is gone. I can’t love him without being open to more pain and the pain is devastating and traumatic. I don’t believe in romantic love anymore. Can’t watch characters on tv falling in love without knowing that they will be miserable. How can I be intimate at all in this state. I don’t withhold affection out of spite or manipulation. I withhold to survive. To protect myself, because my husband won’t. I know I need to trust God with this, but what are the limits? My husband says he loves me, and I think he believes it, but that doesn’t feel like love to me. I can’t open my arms to a scorpion. The nature of a scorpion is to sting. I feel like I’m waiting. It’s all I can do. Waiting for this to end. I can’t love a man who constantly criticizes me and calls my 6 year old a pussy when he’s crying, who constantly berates ethnic and political groups, sneering and hateful. I’m too exhausted trying to not leave him. Can’t be intimate also.

  5. Anonymous R says:

    I deal with my husband not standing up to his family. I have to deal with my mother in law in our marriage! The Bible says cleave and leave but it does not seem like my husband will leave. His phone account is on the line with his mother and sister tell me why? It should not be like that we or married if anything me and him should have a line together! His sister comes over literally everyday so and he will not stand up to tell her to stop I have to be the one to say I don’t feel like company. I should not have to the first day we got married his sister came over she stays the night sometimes why when she have her own apartment! I believe in common sense and if you know someone is married you can’t do some things but my husband and his family apparently don’t believe in that! His sister does not have a job but she has an apartment and she does not know how to cook and she is older than me she is 22 I am 21 their mom give us groceries and they say it’s a blessing but no how is it a blessing when you expect something in return she give us groceries so I can cook for them no!!! The only person I need to be cooking for is my husband it’s not my fault she didn’t teach her daughter how to cook. I tell my husband I am not being mean but why your mom giving us groceries she need to be the one giving it to the sister since obviously she depends on us to feed her! And when I do cook his sister never cleans or help wash dishes like that stuff is common sense she is no longer a guest because she comes over everyday! But my husband always take up for his family and tell me that I’m wrong and that it’s not of God!! I just don’t know what more I can do it’s like I’m so lonely I don’t have a husband he never takes up for me or understand me and it’s like I have no one because him and his family is against me because I don’t believe in what they believe in such as these things I typed! And it has got to the point that I don’t even visit his family because what’s the point of being fake and he gets mad because I don’t I just need time until they back off out of our marriage respect my feelings and my marriage then I will! But I don’t know what to do all I do is pray but it’s like it gets worse he call me weak for crying trying to express my feelings to him of how I feel and saying it’s not going to work out all because i don’t want to visit his people but at the same time he don’t visit mines I am on the verge of divorce and I am trying to fix it because I really hate to go through humility and shame from a divorce that could of been resolved if his people just stay in their place of our marriage! And we are all saved so the word of God will make it easier for us all to understand right from wrong. I feel like they are doing me wrong

    • Claire says:

      Please read the book Boundaries in marriage. You are the gate keeper to your home. If you don’t want his sister there I hope you can speak up and tell her you appreciate privacy in your home and not visit unless you call and invite her. If you wait for your husband to take a stand it may never happen and he may be a people pleaser to everyone but you. Do not hesitate to change locks on your doors or do what necessary to get control over who comes and goes from your home. It sound like his family is takers, manipulators and lazy. You need to take a stand against allowing those sinful patterns taking place in your home. If he is not leading, you have a right to control what goes on in your own home. I pray things get better for you honey!

  6. Sdrf says:

    The man is NOT the spiritual head of the wife. Christ is. Otherwise unmarried women or women with an unsaved husband have no spiritual head. Any saved woman is a part of the body of Christ, add scripture is clear that the head of the body is Christ. The husband is the head of the home, but we are each told to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. Making the husband the spiritual head leaves the man trying to do a job only God can do and leaves the wife headless. Please get and read ‘The Woman Question’ by Kenneth E. Having.

  7. Christy says:

    I would like to tell women that they should lead themselves to the light. Be strong, be educated, have your own career, property, “thing.” If you wait for a man to lead you, well then you get what you deserve – that is led around (like cattle, which is where the word “chattel property” finds a common origin). I am not a rampaging feminist who hates men either, but I am most definitely a feminist as was the writer of Proverbs 31, which I like to refer to as the Proverb of the Understanding Husband Who is Not Threatened by a Competent Woman and Also Secure in His Masculinity. Once a woman understands her own identity and realizes she can be complete in God by cultivating a relationship with Him HERSELF and not through another man, or church, or Bible study, she won’t be NEEDY. A needy person, no matter the gender, is a suck-hole of despair, and will not bring anything to the table in order to formulate a harmonious relationship. Needy women attract one kind of man – the kind who is weak, passive-aggressive, and sometimes physically violent. So women, find and be yourselves in Jesus. Don’t let anyone try to manipulate or intimidate you out of being assertive and capable either. Seek God and be fulfilled in Him, and you will not only find the right guy, you will always find the right people too! Don’t do these things for a man either; do it for yourselves!

    • Jamy says:

      There’s away that seams right unto to man that’s leads to death. God is a God of order. We are to follow Him in every way. The answer is to keep praying and letting Him lead and be our Savior. Trust in Him with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.

  8. Confused - Saved - 28 Years Married - Lost Husband - Seperated from wife says:

    Can you please tell me what a spiritual leader looks like?
    Please give me details…

  9. Anonymous says:

    So, if a woman can not physically surrender herself because her husband “does not meet her standards” she is manipulative? What about when her standards are simply to be treated with respect and compassion and not be verbally abused because her husband blows up over minuscule “offenses”? Why should a woman continue to shower a man who is selfish, abusive, and behaves in an ungodly manner with affection? I think we can “love” a person without doing those things.

    • lei says:

      I agree! How does a woman surrender and or support a husband who puts everything above taking his family to church… a man who loses his temper… a man who is so opinionated on how he should be treated, standards are so low for him and standards set so high for the rest of his family. Emotionally dead! I was raised in a Christian household.

    • abby says:

      M6 sentiments too

    • BD Jr says:

      I Cor 7: 3 A husband should fulfill his marital responsibility to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    • Carrie says:

      i agree!

  10. AmericanWoman says:

    Interesting enough is that this article as most articles written by men do boil it down to women withholding “love and arrection” Ie sex. It always boils down to ..no matter how crappy a man’s behavior you should still submit sex to him.
    At what Point do we stop blaming men’s behavior on their penis? At what point to we admit that women so NOT like to be emotionally abandoned in every other aspect of their marriage except PHYSICALLY in the bedroom
    I would contend that any man truly LOVING his wife doesn’t do so just to get sex. No woman likes to feel like they have to have sex with a man to get him to do the right thing or be nice to her. That kind of behavior and expectation does nothing but ensure the wife feels like nothing more than a whore who has to Dole out sexual favors in order for her man to do the right thing.
    This is cyclical bad behavior that perpetually leaves many wives feeling cheap and worth nothing more than what she offers in the bedroom.
    Maybe if men start being decent, respectful and responsible human beings outside the bedroom then women will be more responsive and willing INSIDE the bedroom

    • Kim says:

      Amen, amen, amen! Women are responders; God made us that way. And He was the one who told husbands to AGAPE their wives. The unconditional is inherent in the definition of the word. Love is giving and sacrifice, whether you are getting all the sex you want or not. There are so many women who are dealing with “put out because I pay the bills!” without getting any of the love and security they need. It is a demand with a threat (spoken or unspoken): have sex with me or I will not pay the bills; keep it up, I will leave you. That isn’t just a lack of love; it is abuse! My husband constantly threatened divorce, almost since the day we got married if, when he said jump I didn’t say how high, even when I got very sick while pregnant with our youngest child. And then when things didn’t go his way in the legal case he dragged all of us through due to his undisclosed abusive past, and when I wasn’t getting better, he filed for divorce, trying his best to leave me and our children as destitute as possible. This is heinous behavior, and any man who does this has NO RIGHT to his wife’s body.

    • JD says:

      I could have written that!!

    • Anonymous says:

      I agree with you on this. It is hard when you keep trying, and never get the emotional needs met afterwards. It leaves you feeling very used and not loved.

    • Debbie says:

      Amen! I couldn’t have said it better. How can women be expected to submit in the bedroom when we are made to feel insignificant in other areas? I think the last paragraph of this article totally nullifies the point of the previous text. It’s hard to be sexy when you don’t feel valued!

    • Deise Harner says:

      You are so right!!!

    • Chrissy says:

      Absolutely agree!!! Amen

  11. TJ says:

    I absolutely believe the Bible’s word and that the man is given the responsibility and charge over his family to lead and be an example that God expects. I to go through extremely feeling overwhelmed and hopeless because my husband is not the leader. He demands respect yet has absolutely no evidence of God in his life. It’s 1st Peter 3 is how I’m supposed to be well then I guess I fall short because not saying anything and winning somebody over without a word it’s really not my style. I’m not saying that I’m right I’m just saying that I cannot sit by and watch my whole life be destroyed and my two children and because somebody else doesn’t want to do their part. I absolutely believe in tough love because Jesus ask the man at that couldnt walk”did he want to get well”?? You see Jesus gives us the choice of what we want.. what we decide is what we will live with. So if somebody does not want to do their part leading they will reap what they sow.

    • Sarah collier says:

      That passage doesn’t say win them without a word, but that when they see the relationship with your heavenly Father, because if they are not following and might not even know what the Word says, that they may see the error of their ways. Essentially this passage is a practice of allowing the love you received and continue to receive with fellowship with God in Word and prayer, be shared with others. This goes for not only your husband in an unequally yoked marriage but for any unbeliever that may have friendship with you or need of mentoring.

    • Anonymous says:


  12. Tashibra Mcleod says:

    This is Wonderful Information, It gives woman such a different outlook on things seen in the Bible.

  13. Damita says:

    The example of the castle and canon were reveresed for me. Also, there was a passive aggressive and immature mannerism to go along with most of the other things you mentioned. Can the recommended solution be aplied even though the actions and responses are reversed? Its like the wife has the male responses and the hisband has the female responses.

    • Lyn says:

      I live the same thing Damita and can’t figure out what to do as a Christian when there’s a total roll reversal because of being made to be the logical, rational one on the marriage while he is the emotional wreck.

    • Blanca says:

      I am certain my husband is a narcissist, he has now left our home, myself & our 2 girls, 9 & 1 1/2. Just moved to this state 7 months ago. Feeling empty, lost & broken!

      • Anonymous says:

        My dad is a narcissist. My parents are still married, but that is so depressing. I’m so sorry for you and your kids. I feel that things will improve to be even better than before now that he is gone. Just be careful you don’t marry another like him.

  14. Renee says:

    What you wrote rings so true.
    My husband has failed to lead in multiple areas…

    Cheating…strip clubs…cars repossessed…we don’t see or hear him worship…he doesn’t lead us to God…I’ve had to take on that role and have now become quite frustrated.

    I haven’t withheld my love from him…but I’m starting to feel like I should because my faithfulness, always being there…seems to be taken advantage of.

    • Lucinda Dawson says:

      There is a book called “LOVE MUST BE TOUGH” by James Dobson. It sounds like you are being taken advantage of. There is no respect for your love and faithfulness. That needs to stop.

    • Trudy says:

      To make yourself have sex with someone who is emotionally abusive or cheating and going to strip clubs is damaging and there is nothing manipulative about not laying down with someone like that.

      • Anonymous says:

        If I was you .iwould protect yourself from stds or even aids.cause u don’t know who’s he’s having sex with.for yourself.becareful use wisdom.

      • abby says:

        You say withholding from your husband is a form of manipulation since when they finally exhibit certain behavior then the wife will give affection or respect. I am not sure if it is,always manipulation when giving and being available to someone who is unavailable and not a safe place is so extremely painful. It becomes too painful to give out of such a place of emptiness, pain, and aloneNess. That is not so much manipulation as it is a protecting and guarding against more pain.

      • Almost free says:

        That’s grounds for divorce

  15. Lisa says:

    Yes, but what about marriages that involve abuse? Physical, mental and emotional.

    • Julie says:

      This advice is not for people who are in those types of marriages. It’s very misleading…as the headline makes one believe that it might be swayed that way.
      Please look into Leslie Vernick, or Dr George Simon. Both are Christians and do a good job of providing resources and articles to those in emotionally destructive relationships from a Biblical perspective.

  16. Janet says:

    Yes we each responsible for our own relationship with Jesus but the husband should be encouraging praying together, reading the word together so that there is a connection spiritually. It is easy for a women to do this but not for the average man. Why? They want to be the spiritual leader but are lazy in follow through. I am tired of being the one who steps up to the plate and lead. I have stopped and noting has happen and my husband reads the Word daily by himself. So now our relationship has been affected by the lack of spiritual leadership. I am still responsible for my own relationship with Jesus but will not get back on a treadmill of enabling him.

    • Robin says:

      I think you’re absolutely correct. When we as wives try to drag our husbands along or push them into being the spiritual leaders they’re supposed to be, we are indeed taking on the wrong role. Then lies the question- how do we help them to take in that role? So very frustrating.

      • Anonymous says:

        You can’t make someone lead nor drag them. It has to already be in them.

      • Brian says:

        Belong to a small church one with a men’s fellowship That do men things at the fellowship. Like cook out or have a car Club. The big churches aren’t so personable. And as a man for me that’s what keeps my interest. Then 1 day turns into a month then a year of being around men who have Jesus in thier lives. It happened to me this way and I’ve been saved for 3 years now.

    • JTB says:

      “In order to be lead one must be willing to follow”

    • Kammie says:

      Yep. I get told I’m ungodly and in rebellion and disrespectful and he is the spiritual leader. Yet he doesn’t pray over or with the family, refuses to do devotional, doesn’t go to church with us, etc. He makes poor financial choices and then blames me for not “holding up my end of the marriage financially” and it’s “abusive.” I don’t feel I have any choice for the sake of my children to be the spiritual leader. They won’t get it if I don’t do it.

  17. Rene says:

    I appreciate what the lady is saying about putting the responsibility on men, however, I believe the article is geared towards the mans responsibility to lead the Family, not just the wifes relationship with God. There is a great distinction there. If the head of the household is falling away from guiding the Family in the name of Christ, then the family suffers and even if the mother is Faithful or even more Faithful & takes on the role, the family is still broken a bit. A man, in terms of the Bible, would do good to lead his Family Spiritually.

  18. J says:

    So u are saying that if a woman doesn’t respect he husband the right way then they are to blame for the marriage falling apart???

    • M. says:

      That was my reaction to this as well. As the victim of spousal abuse (physical, emotional, and spiritual), this seems highly simplistic. In my case, I am expected to treat him and his wishes with great deference while my wishes are completely disregarded as well as being called a whore/slut/bitch on a daily basis. All the while being told that if I don’t forgive immediately I’ll “go to hell”. Meanwhile he is being considered for deaconship at our church. Sorry for the long comment, but I just felt another perspective was needed.

      • Anonymous says:

        That is why the article says ” other than in times when tough love must be exhibited.” I’m sorry you have had to go through such a hard time. When abuse is involved it is a different story, boundaries must be set and safety ( physically, emotionally, spiritually must be priority. Praying for you and that you will be loved as you should be ( God says husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies.) and know that you are loved so much by the Lord who wants to help and heal you.

      • It says:

        almost exact situation. We need a support group. I don’t think God expects our life to be this way but where do we even start? Praying for you

        • TB says:

          That would be great to start a support group!! Please do, I promise I’ll join in fellowship, prayer, and encouragement!! God knows I need help and I’m the leader in my home, too.. It’s tough and spiritually draining.. 🙁

      • Colette says:

        It’s amazing what they do behind closed doors M.
        But God sees all.

      • Angela says:

        No you should not have to put up with that and I believe that’s what they are saying in the article at times tough love is necessary-meaning you leave and get safe and if they treat you that way and refuse help counseling in change you love them and yoursel enough not to continue in the destructive cycle. God does not call you to be abused.

      • K says:

        I too am a victim of abuse. Additionally my husband is diagnosed as having bipolar yet he refuses to take his medication and is frequently degrading and mean. Additionally, he does not work and refuses to smoke cigarettes outside thus purposely exposing me and our three children to secondhand smoke. He is 40 and a college graduate. He denies that secondhand smoke is cancerous. I am strongly thinking about leaving him again but I am torn because I know that God hates divorce. Does He hate abuse as well?

        • Laura says:

          I was deeply impressed by the book ” The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.” In it the author makes the point that God loves individuals before institutions. She doesn’t think God loves marriage above and beyond how each person in the marriage is being treated. He loves you deeply and cares that you are not being respected and cared for as Christ loves the church. I do not like divorce and never wanted one, but the world is a broken place and things happen along the way. I believe we are allowed to exercise tough love. And in all honesty it seems that you have not really had a marriage with him for some time. Please stand up for yourself and how you should be treated and be the role model you want your kids to have. Living in dysfunction while telling them it is normal is going to affect them the rest of their lives. And letting your husband do as he likes is also enabling him to continue in his harmful choices. A separation may be what will put his own consequences of his behavior back on him so that maybe he will seek God’s way. I know how destructive bi-polar can be.

          • Laurie says:

            Absolutely. God actually designed marriage to be between 2 equal people with Him (Holy Spirit ) as the “head”. Incidentally the Greek word for head has nothing to do with authority, leading, or any kinf of patriarchal system. It has only to do with Paul correcting their creations theology. Male was created first, then female. Marriage is about intimacy. Not power and control. You can only build intimacy between 2 equal people. And contrary to traditional misinterpretation of the Scripture husband and wife should be equal and the Holy Spirit is the only authority over husband and wife because all of us are to be led by Him.

        • Natalie says:

          The Bible does not say “God hates divorce” meaning that we are trapped in abuse. God has never called his children to victimization in relationships, EVER. God loves people, relationships, and spiritual connection. God hates abuse. Jesus walked away from his own family when they attempted to abuse him. He walked right through them, and did not come back or minister to them again. He is our example to follow. Jesus did not ever allow himself to be victimized. He chose the cross as a substitute for us, because He is our savior. Therefore, we do not have to die for our sins, or “bear the cross” for our husband. Being abused will not lead your husband to salvation. It is condoning evil behavior in the name of God, which is an act of evil in itself. We must say “NO” to abuse like Jesus did if we want our husband to come to God. Allowing him to abuse you is protecting him from the Godly consequences of his sin. An abuser must face the natural consequences of his abusing, which is loss of fellowship with his victims. Do not stay with an abuser.

      • Kristin says:

        Um, okay, 1 Peter 3:1 is written specifically to believing wives with unbelieving husbands. The husband is lost, therefore, of course the kingdom of darkness is all he has to give her. That’s why she is to offer respect to him whether he earns it or not…he’s the mission field for her personally. But if he’s claiming he’s a Christian, a totally different approach is commanded. This is where Matt. 18 comes into play. Christians are accountable to one another, most especially inside the marriage covenant. And any time abuse is the norm, tough love is the only way to show agape. It’s exactly what God does to us when we refuse to repent. I recommend Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townshend. To permit abuse to continue is to be the wicked servant who hid his talent in the ground because he was afraid. We are stewards. We are not permitted to enable abuse. And abuse usually comes with codependence, so the abused has hard work to do, too. Speaking from experience.

      • Sarah collier says:

        I took, from the quote, that if a man cannot follow God, he cannot be leader.

      • Anonymous says:

        M.tell your church about the abuse he’s in no position to be a deacon. You should pray first but do not let him demean you you can forgive but do not forget and don’t let this abuse keep happening! A true man of God is gentle and kind not abusive!

    • Pete says:

      Husbands honor your wife so all may go well with you!

    • Jamie says:

      Sometimes that could be true. People tend to live up to or down to expectations. Treat someone with respect and they may try to be someone to respect. Regardless of how someone else acts Jesus commands us to love others as we love ourselves. It can be very hard sometimes because we tend to want to treat people the way they treat us. We can’t change how others act, only ourselves. I have found that usually the more you show God’s love, the happier the marriage. Forgive quickly and look out for the needs of your partner. You may be surprised how quickly he/she responds in kind. BTW, if a spouse is being abusive-it does say “other than times when tough love must be exhibited.”

  19. Amanda G. says:

    *as decent

  20. Amanda G. says:

    Maybe most Church things are geared towards women, because they like church and the socialization more than men. Or because they need more help and they are the ones teaching kids(future generations) not to mention the rising number of single mother households. Also women tend to care more about how their relationships are doing than men do…. Just naturally because they are mothers…. So they are most likely to read marriage and parenting books…. I guess it is all how once chooses to look at it. Sure you can blame it one money, it is involved. But it still makes a weak argument, men could just as easily spend their money on those things and change the tide…. But I am sure it is spent in other places that exist to “just make money” as well…. And I am sure the motives aren’t as decent as a church’s either.

  21. Julie says:

    This article is so spot-on! I am continually blessed by your words of wisdom in relaying Biblical principles!! May God’s best blessing be upon you & your family, Dr.Force. <3

    • JTB says:

      “In order to be lead one must be willing to follow”

      • Anonymous says:

        What about those that are willing to follow but there is no one leading?!?

      • Anonymous says:

        I tried to follow for years but my passive/aggressive with addictive behavior of 22 years of marriage, now ex-husband, would not lead! I prayed for years but he still had a choice. Well, so did I & I finally had to divorce him. He is now remarried after only knowing his new bride not only a year! I pray for my boys to not fall into the same trap of addiction.

  22. Kristy says:

    Our church has the same amount of things going on. The ratio is 50/50.
    The man is to be the leader of the home however, if he can not either physically or emotionally, it is then up to the wife to take up the cross and move forward with her husband by her side.

  23. Anonymous says:

    As a Christian woman, I feel the need to reply to the man above who states, ‘But in today’s modern world.”

    The word never changes, even though times have. We can’t mold it to “fit” into our lives.

    I agree with this article on every point. Thank you for writing and sharing.

  24. The Husband Who Is Trying says:

    Thank you!

    • J says:

      I don’t read it that way. It looks as though this could be taken as this is a fault of women so men use that to get out of their marriage.

  25. Jill says:

    Maybe I am wrong on this but I feel that teaching often perpetuated and over emphasized in the church that man/husband/father is somehow responsible for the spiritual nourishment of his whole family causes more harm than good. Perhaps this made sense in an ancient culture where women weren’t even allowed in the temple and likely couldn’t read. But in today’s modern world a woman can pick up a Bible for herself and read it. She can pray to God herself. She can drive herself to church. Her husband may not be a breliever especially if she got saved after marriage or she may be further along in the faith than him.

    Point is I have heard many women speak in disappointment and exasperation because their husbands are not the “spiritual leaders” they think they ought to be. I as a woman think this is unfair to lay on these husbands. My husband is not responsible for my relationship with Jesus. I am! I have not and will not make him responsible for it. I am further along in the faith than he is but I never hold this over his head. I encourage him in his faith. He sees me reading the Bible now he has asked me about getting one for him to read along. I am excited because I pray for him all the time and I am seeing God work.

    Whoever is saved first and is further along in the faith may lead the way so to speak spiritually. It does not mean I am in charge and domineering over my husband. It simply means as you or I follow Jesus Christ you or I should inspire others to follow Jesus as well and that may mean a wife leads her husband to Christ.

    So please stop making these men responsible for their wives relationship with Jesus. It causes more harm than good.

    • You may want to read our article on this subject.


      Thank you,

      Dr. Force

    • Anonymous says:

      So you must go against what the bible teaches to please others. Let me know how that works out for you…

      • Sarah collier says:

        Anonymous… The thing is that when In Christ, there is no male or female. Marriage is a ‘law’ that can be placed under the law of Spirit in Christ, resulting in all just being servants under Christ under God- so it really isn’t going against the way the Bible teaches. It is in relation to what law you
        operate under.

    • Larry says:

      Because the simplest way to get women to continue to empty their bank account in the name of religion is to blame everything on men.
      Why do you think most church functions are geared toward women? MONEY

      Why do you think there are so many “women conferences”? MONEY

      Why are most religious books written geared toward women? MONEY

      This writing is no more than cherry picked passages from the bible once again being used to distort a message to get people on this site and eventually spend that MONEY

      • Melissa says:

        I don’t think they are going to.be making a killing at 9.99 a book, smh!

      • Sergeant says:

        Did you read the bottom half of the article. Sounds pretty fair to me man.
        Just because your wife thought it was good and wanted you to read it, doesn’t mean that God didn’t want you to read it. Sometimes you just have to open your heart to what He wants to show you.
        I am happy that my wife chooses to read these religious geared books rather than some fantasy book that makes her think I need to look like Fabio and have sex for hours at a time. Those books cost money.
        Everything cost money. It’s on us how we spend it. Do we spend on fruitless things that will lead to destruction, or do we give our money to ministries that help others and encourage them to have a relationship with Christ.

      • Amanda G. says:

        That is a weak argument. Women are more naturally inclined to improve the relationships in their lives, and enjoy the socialization of a church more than men might. There is also an increasing number of single mother households that probably need help more than the men who left their kids to be a part time parent IF THAT. And kids are the future, so what better investment? Your money angle is weak, because I am sure that men’s bank accounts are emptied in a variety of places that also exist to “just make money” and I would also bet their intentions are not bad decent as the average church. So it is all in what one values and how one chooses to look at it.

      • Arnie Rogers says:

        Look at what I said above .

      • Anonymous says:

        No– it’s bc woman are the major readers in the household

    • Yolanda says:

      Whether the man is acting as a spiritual leader or not, God gave him that role.

    • Anonymous says:

      He’s not saying that the husband is responsible for the wife’s relationship with Jesus. However the husband is to be the leader of the home. Scriture says it. God commands it. That doesn’t mean the wife has no responsibilities. She does. She’s to help her husband any way she can.

    • Julie says:

      Men are responsible in a biblical marriage to love their wives as Christ lives the Church. Period. This includes a spiritual element. If men fail to grow spiritually, all wives can do is grow themselves and be an example in a loving way….not condescending way as many women do. This is both counterproductive and manipulative and ends up in emotional gridlock. It is best to not marry a non-Christian. Heed the word of Moses before he died and before the Israelites entered the promise land: Do not intermarry with the Gentiles. (Our modern day translation, a non-Christian). Making sure the man they love is rooted in Christ is necessary. Once married, yes, grow individually but also pray together. If is a must. The devil loves division and is winning the Christian marriage war.

    • Kim says:

      I believe the breakdown of families today lies with a lack of spiritual leadership from men. I AM a Christian but I am weary. My husband drinks while we are at church on Wednesday nights and rarely attends church with us on Sunday’s. He claims he’s a Christian but there is very little fruit displayed for my 12 year old son to see. I am involved and plugged in to our local Baptist church and my son loves going. He has been saved is a wonderful young man. My husband doesn’t view him as a blessing. I have heard that a person’s view of our Heavenly Father is often akin to our earthly father figures. If this is true, and I believe it somewhat is, my son will have a distorted understanding of the grace and mercy bestowed on us and be focused on angry God – someone who is not approachable. I’m doing all I can to raise our son in a Godly home but I feel that my husband’s actions will deter him from reaching his full potential in Christ. I do believe that a man is to lead his home but I cannot and will not let my child be led down he path of his daddy.

    • Angela says:

      God placed man as the head the bible clearly states that. Like an employee we are each responsible to do the work we are assigned. Our manager does not do our work but he does have to answer to the boss if there is problems. The husband is to nurture and guide and encourage and most of all model a Godly relationship, we are to follow. This has been a hard one for me as well, I was the stronger one spiritually at first but I couldn’t do it as hard as I tried to lead my family I was spinning my wheels. I finally a few years ago said I have to do it God’s way even if I think I’m a better leader and I stepped down. I told my husband I wanted him to lead spiritually, that I was tired of trying to do his and my roles, that I realized I had been trying to lead and God calls him to do it. I backed off it wasn’t easy but he has stepped up and grown so much spiritually and God has blessed him and our whole family and I’m less stressed and more at peace with my role. It’s much easier to follow a man walking with the Lord. Rather than walking his own path.

    • Carol says:

      I totally agree with you, Jill. I waited with great frustration for over 20 years for my husband to lead spiritually. I finally just took it upon my self to seek the Lord and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. This has resulted in a wonderful, vibrant relationship with Christ and a greatly improved relationship with my husband. I can now accept the way my husband is (He has many good qualities.)and just enjoy my relationship with him.

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Marriage and Relationship Coaching

Over the Phone
Call Us at 1-888-642-3036
Talk Now - Live 24/7 Help
Order Our Marriage Book
How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another


  • Learn our 2-step Process to Solving Marriage Issues
  • Use for your next Bible study
  • A Biblical and Refreshing Approach