How To Reach A Hard-Hearted Spouse


When dealing with difficult marital situations, I often say that it is good to remember that we are not able to do more than God. However, I hope to give a little advice in this article to those trying ever so hard to reach that hard-hearted spouse.


Stop Appearing Desperate


Though I have a number of articles on this matter, it never helps to appear desperate before someone that you are trying to influence. In fact, the more desperate you appear, the less respect they will have for you.

Any good salesmen knows that if he acts more like he needs the deal than the person needs the product, he will sabotage his own success. The same is true when trying to affect that distant spouse.

Chapter 6 of our marriage book deals with this entire subject. I would highly recommend that you read this chapter if you are in the position of trying to win a wayward spouse. In fact, it is an absolute must.


Stop Playing God


Sometimes, we tend to act as if we are the god of our universe and the God of Heaven is sitting powerless in the heavenlies.

Though you may feel this way at times, it may be helpful for you to know that you are not the first to feel in such a way.

The Psalmist wrote in Psalm 13:1-2:


“How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?”


This is why I often encourage my parishioners as well as those I personally coach to read the book of Psalms when dealing with difficult issues. The psalmists had a way of verbalizing our deepest concerns, and many a discouraged individual has found a friend in the book of Psalms.

On a further note, there are definitely times when your circumstances seem to be contradicting the promises of God. However, it is during these times that we display whether or not we truly believe that God is God. Remember, if you could already see it, then it would not be faith.


Adjust Your Timeline


God is seldom early, and I have rarely found that He works on our timetable.

Here is a Psalm that I have referred to often during those ever-so-long waiting periods:


Psalm 27:14 – “Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.”


Be Humble


Problems are rarely solved without the problem-solver being turned inside out and backwards during the process. Therefore, be willing to learn great lessons about yourself and God while waiting on Him. (Ecclesiastes 7:1-4)


Look for Gateways to Your Spouse’s Heart


What is the gateway to your spouse’s heart? That is, what is it that you could do or say to them that has almost always been a win-win for all involved?

Even the hardest of individuals have a difficult time resisting true love. Though it’s possible, it is hard. And, I have found that most people have some sort of gateway or entry point into their hearts. You just have to find it. The trick however, is to realize that before you see it, you have to get your mind off of your hurt, pride, principles, or soapbox and look for it! (I Corinthians 10:24)

Here are a few characteristics about gateways that make them hard to walk through:


1. It will go against your natural bent.


What your spouse needs and loves the most will typically come the least natural for you.

I discuss this point in chapter 10 of our marriage book in that what my wife enjoys the most goes against my natural bent. However, love is not about the lover as much as it is about the one being loved. This is why I often say that it is good to remember that, at the end of the day, you are not married to yourself.

There is such a thing as being a selfish lover. That is, there are those that love others according to what pleases them, and they often stand confused as to why their love is not taking affect.

I was formerly in this class of people. If this possibly describes you, then you may want to take a look at our excerpt out of our marriage book called How Manure Save My Marriage.


2. It may have been a point of derision in the past.


People are angry over what they care about the most. In other words, the spouse that has exhibited anger about the other’s care for the children is probably not upset about the missed activity as much as they are communicating another message: please take more of a viable interest in our family.

The spouse that was upset over the car not being washed probably could care less about having a clean car. They are usually communicating another message: you show interest in me when you show interest in even the smallest of matters that pertain to me.

The woman that was upset about her husband’s fishing trip could care less whether or not he goes fishing. She is typically communicating another message: Please stop making me feel like I am just one of your many priorities. I do not want to be first among many things in your life. I want to be your only true love.

The problem, however, is that if a spouse’s gateway has been a point of derision in the past, then couples tend to have a wall of pride of sorts that has built up around that issue. And, some tend to have a difficult time scaling that wall if it is present.

Ascertaining your spouse’s gateway can sometimes be difficult. However, I like to go by this rule: What makes their eyes light up? When you have found that, you are probably on the right track.


Stop Acting Like a Push-Over


When trying to win back a hard-hearted spouse you have two types of people: those serving that need to show more strength and those taking a stand that need to do more serving.

If you have been one of those that are serving your situation to death, you may need to start flexing a few emotional and spiritual muscles.

The answers that we need are always found in the balance. Therefore, if you are one of those that are serving your situation to the point where you have no more respect than when you began, you may need to back off a little, stand up for your rights, or start speaking up for yourself.

Though Paul exercised meekness, he also stood up for himself on a few occasions as he did in Acts 16, thus garnering a little more respect. Some spouses need to do the same as their service must be mixed with a little strength.

Standing up for yourself may involve one or more of the following:


1. Backing out of conversation when the other person resorts to belittling


This does not have to be done in anger, but there is a way to say in a confident manner, “If you are going to continue talking that way, I am going to do something else until you calm down.”


2. Verbalizing your wants and wishes


It is okay for you to have wants and wishes also. Sometimes, you may need to speak up and verbalize what you would like to see happen.


3. Hold your ground in a healthy discussion


Of course, I would recommend staying in what I call a safety fence as taught in chapter 11 of our marriage book. But, it is okay to disagree with your spouse without being to disagreeable.

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3 comments on “How To Reach A Hard-Hearted Spouse
  1. Sam says:

    This is so difficult to do. Especially when one is hurting. I just feet like he should pack his things and go..

  2. Geri says:

    After reading this last ar1ticle, my heart is heavy, because the while the suggestions are great, the only one I could do without causing all out war is the one near the top about finding special ways to love or maybe show affection. My husband blames sour attitude on the him being in the military, but it doesn’t really as he and his brothers and mother all act the same. Angry all the time, and divorce or implying that he get divorced just using other words. He constantly belittled and name calls,he twice told our 8 year old son in a backhanded comments that he was dumb. My son struggles to read so I told Jason those comments are hurtful and we (I purposely included me so it wouldn’t seem accusatory). Oh my, he said I was raising him to be a little sissy and he won’t be able to take criticism because I’m choosing to coddle him and then explained thatso what’s wrong with America,and on and on. I explained that he’s gotten Ina habit . of the all in our son a wuss and when Roman says I Wan to play soccer Jason tells him no son of his will play a wussie sport like soccer. I actually discussed this with on of my instructors (sad to say I’m about to graduate in ministry college and my hubby dropped out and said that God isn’t even real and leadership is all fake and everyone judges him, etc. But when I told him that I’m very concerned with the words he speaking over our kids, his answer was well maybe we just aren’t meant to be together. And spent about 5 minutes ranting and saying things to try and get me going to but I knew it was bait. But I am so tired of the same exact issues and attitudes and words being said that are very hurtful. I wouldn’t even dare put on here for the world to read. I am calling on the 15th to set up our appointment and hopefully they will explain if it’s together or separate, etc. I’ve declared war. I’m fighting for my Marrage and for my children. I feel solo, but Not stopping till we have transformation.

    • Cyra says:

      Praying for you. Stand your ground but in a respectful way. Be strong and know your doing the right thing for your kids. If your not equally yoked then it won’t get better until your husband wants to work on himself also. Praying for you and your family.

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