Of course, I will not be able to solve every marriage problem with this article, but I hope to be able to shed a little more light on the matter for those wondering, “Would God want me to stay in a bad marriage?”
Some Really Bad Doctrine
First of all, I am really tiring of hearing people say, “How would a loving God ever be glorified by me being unhappy in my marriage?”
Um . . . ur . . . these thoughts must be stemming from some of the teaching one would find on the television as I cannot seem to find it in the Bible. This is actually why I often say that the main message of the Bible is not victory, it is obedience to God. In fact, it is why I start with the teaching in our marriage book and conferences that marriage is primarily for God’s glory and not our own happiness.
God does not exist to make us happy as much as we exist to glorify Him. And, though this may defy some’s logic, according to the scriptures, there are times when God is glorified even through suffering. This is clearly taught in I Peter 4:16:
“Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.”
Disclaimer
Of course, this teaching should never be used to encourage a spouse to stay in a situation that would put their well-being at risk. In fact, I believe that spouses in such a state are glorifying God by following what some theologians like Matthew Henry would call the law of self-preservation. That is, it is entirely acceptable and God-glorifying for spouses to seek protection from a husband or wife that would do them harm.
Defining Suffering
When I speak of suffering, I am talking about normative marital strife. That is, I am referring to a marriage that deals with petty arguments, unmet expectations, boredom, laziness, non-violent arguments, and disagreements about money, sex, and children. For the most part, these are all within the realm of normal marital conflict.
For Better or For Worse
Even if you did not say the words while exchanging marriage vows, the biblical standard is that marriage is for better or for worse. Jesus taught this in Matthew 19:6 when He said:
“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Simply put, marriage is a life-long covenant that requires commitment as well as an absorbent amount of emotional and spiritual elbow grease.
If Happiness was the Standard
What if marriage was a covenant that could be nullified when one or both parties were unhappy? What if happiness was the only standard for whether or not a marriage stays together? Do you realize how unstable the institution of marriage would be? There would be no clear cut boundaries. The standard would be forever changing and both parties would feel unbelievably insecure in their relationship with one another. What God had designed for stability would simply be a means for insecurity.
This is why God has erected a mighty tall security fence by way of the marriage vows. The covenant of marriage is to produce a sense of security in the hearts of both involved.
I also feel for you and the kids. I understand why the need for separation, but …divorce? That was not necessary for you to give up on him entirely. You could have had him arrested next time he hit you or the kids, and visited him in jail. There is a way to stay married, glorify God in it, AND protect yourselves and the kids. Maybe he would have chosen to not hit you, to avoid jail. Please read this article, and know that I pray for you as well. And also, remarriage is also possible, for God’s glory. If neither of you are remarried to others, the door of reconciliation is still open, and protection is possible too. 1 Cor 7:11, God understands the need to be separated because of physical violence, but let it be jail that separates you. These are my 3 favorite articles that show how God is glorified when we don’t give up on our prodigal husband, one that lives with us currently, or not. Hosea is another good book that proves that our difficult marriage can glorify God. Few had it as bad as Hosea. We also get to know the heard of God better, by being in a bad marriage, maybe better than being in a near perfect marriage, not sure, but it seems God has to deal with rebels more often than the truly continuously faithful. Parenting is another way of getting to know God better, and be motivated to obey Him better.
http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/abusive-husband/
http://aboverubies.org/index.php/2013-11-12-17-55-51/english-language/marriage/262-marriage-bring-him-home
http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/lazy-husbands-hungry-kids-and-hopeful-wives/
Winsome wife, not sure if this will ever reach you, but if you have never been punched in the face multiple times by your slide and I pray you never do, then you have no clue what you are talking about! Sure she can put him in jail then when he gets out, he will beat her even harder for what she did to him. Until you have walked in the shoes of an abused person you cant says she shouldn’t give up on him completely. You need to read some article on narcissism. My pastor told me, that my husband broke his vow by cheating and by not cherishing me, taking care of me, or loving me like he should. One thing I have learned since I got married and have been through what I know my husbands ex girlfriend and wife have been through, is to keep my mouth shut on something I have no idea about. I never thought he would hit me and now he has. I still can’t see good out of either eye. While I have tried to honor God and what His word says about marriage, there is one thing I have also learned that God loves me and would NEVER WANT ME TO RISK MY LIFE. How does that serve God?
I am glad you qualified the issue of violence in your post, I stayed in a physically abusive marriage for 20 years because the church and family I grew up in said there was no option unless I could prove sexual unfaithfulness. It was very detrimental to both me and my children. I still struggle with guilt over the divorce even though the courts removed him from our home.
We preach and teach perfect principles, yet often deal with very imperfect scenarios. Though I have a heavy emphasis on doctrine at our church, we must have a spirit of grace and understanding in these very difficult situations.
I will pray for you. Paul said that we are to forget those things that are behind and reach forth unto those things that are before us. (Paraphrase)
Thank you,
Dr. Force