When trying to solve marriage problems, it is vital that each participant use Biblical tactics. One of the first steps that we walk women through is to lay down the sword of negativity and take hold of Biblical swords. One of those swords is the sword of thankfulness. Here are a few reasons as to why this is a vital step for women to take.
A Deep Chasm
It has been said, “To whom enough is not plenty, plenty will never be enough.”. In like manner, I like to say that an unthankful heart in anyone is like a bottomless pit that can never be filled.
Some wives have passed up a number of good men in search of a storybook man or marriage. This is usually a problem as they are often chasing a mirage or something that only exists on a television screen or in a fictional book.
Not a one of us married someone as perfect as Christ. That is a good thing, by the way, because if our spouses were as perfect as Christ, they probably would not have picked us to begin with.
In any such case, thankfulness in a woman’s heart is key when trying to solve marriage problems as some men feel that no matter what they do or say, it is to no avail. From their perspective, they might as well be filling a bag full of holes because the reality of who they really are always seems to come short of the fantasy of what their wife wants their marriage to become.
Thankfulness in a wife has a way of filling the holes in the bag or taking the less out of that bottomless pit that I previously mentioned. It replaces that mirage with a realistic goal, and it gives the man a little more encouragement to exhibit a perfect love even in the presence of his imperfections.
Creating an Atmosphere of Growth
When a woman reacts to the negative behavior of her husband by acting cold, indifferent, sarcastic, rude, emotionally or physically absent in bed, or outright angry, her husband will seldom feel like mending his ways. If anything, he will either meet her with the same amount of anger, or the more passive man will retreat into his emotional or physical cave.
When a woman is attempting to solve marriage problems, it is vital that she learn to control what she is able to control. Many call it controlling the controllables. If this does not occur, then a woman will feel powerless and, therefore, enslaved to the negative behavior of her husband.
When a woman chooses to wield the Biblical sword of thankfulness, she is doing much more than walking in obedience to the Word of God. She is also gaining some sense of control in her marriage as she is helping to promote a climate where change has a better chance of taking place. Instead of sulking, pouting, and complaining to others about her plight, she is showing herself to be more than a victim. She is a warrior that is fighting a battle in which the outcome is not based upon her husband’s inconsistencies, but in the Providence of the Almighty God.
- Learn about our proven, 2-step process
- Designed as a couples devotional
- Use in a group study
- A biblical and refreshing approach
Sorry ,but ,I don’t know your ages , but you both sound way too immature and unprepared for marriage.
Hello… these excerpts are from my random journaling whenever I could find some paper or had time to put my thoughts down. This is not the start… so we’re in counseling. Have been for the last 3 weeks. It seems like the relationship/marriage is taking a turn for the worse. While in counseling I’m making notes of the counselor comments/suggestions and she’s given us (active) assignments to complete at home. I am also making copies for my husband. He just puts them in his pocket. I do my best to practice on the suggestions the counselor has given us. I’m not perfect and I know I’ve made mistakes along the way, but I really do my best to work on them. My husband on the other hand, seems to be spiraling out of control. The counselor says it usually takes 5-7 years for a marriage to flow smoothly. We’re just newlyweds and we’re learning how to live with each other. Therefore, all of the incident has caused me to document every incident that happens. I don’t know what’s going on with him. He won’t talk to me. Instead he tries to dictate me, talk to me like I’m his child or in a disrespecting way. He’s secretive! I need your help Mirror because I don’t know what else to do. My last resort will be to divorce him and move on, but I didn’t enter into a marriage just to get a divorce.
Here are a couple of incidents that I’ve documents. Please provide your feedback or insight. What should I do? How should I handle this? What should I say?
12/27/15:
Husband hasn’t been attending church with me all this month. I asked him if I was missing anything, he would just say “because he just don’t want to go” then a couple of days ago, it was a sad time for me. We had lost 2 people we both knew during the Christmas holiday. So I was feeling sad. Then my husband tells me that he’s “not trying to hurt my feelings but the reason for not coming to church anymore 1)they ask for too much money 2)pastor requested for us not to leave during benediction” I was taken back for his reasons. I have offered to compromise on several occasions for us to seek a church that we’ll both be comfortable attending. He knows that attending church and fellow-shipping with like-minded people is very important to me. I expressed to him that I didn’t know what to do especially as I had offered to compromise in the past but he didn’t want to proceed. He told me that he doesn’t want to take me away from my church that I am receiving my blessings from. He is not giving me the opportunity to make a decision if I want to stay or leave. Now I’m feeling deceived. Because while we were dating, he expressed to me on many occasions that he wanted to be with a woman that would help him to grow closer to GOD. Then he turns around and tells me that I’m looking too much into it. I’m starting to feel indifferent on his words now. What else has he lied to me about??? I feel that he is not as honest or transparent with me like he says he is. Even the counselor uncovered something about him that he thought was transparent and honest on. But he wasn’t!
12/31/15:
This is the last day of 2015. I thought this would have been a great year after getting married but not just so. It has not been an easy road by far. This year has been challenging for me since May; 1 month after being married.
So I have an end of the year ritual that I do & was instilled in me as a child. So it became very important to me for me to clean the whole house before the new year. Yeah, my mistake of not asking my husband if he cleans the house for the new year. I was cleaning the bathroom & needed to wash the bathroom rug so I took it to the basement and began to put it in the washing machine and then I hear my husband’s voice. I was actually on the phone. So I exited off the phone to go see what my husband wanted. He began talking to me like I was a child. He told me that I can’t do as I can in this house. I can’t be free. I should ask him if I could wash the rug or use the washing machine because I don’t know what he has going on. Now to me this is by far the most stupidest & petty thing I have ever heard. First, he gets upset that there are too many garbage bags that goes out of the house each week now this. I swear he is the pettiest person and being ridiculous. So my response to him was I can clean how I want to and be free in this house. He said no I can’t. I have to ask him. Really, now I feel like a child and not his wife. Come on now this is being ridiculous. Then he brings up the newspaper because he know I love to clip coupons. Sometimes he’ll surprise me with a rose and remove all of the coupons from the paper for me. Now after being married, he flipped on me. He bought a newspaper and told me “DON’T TOUCH MY PAPER”. I mean what changed? All I wanted is the coupons, he can have everything else. But no it was a problem. So he continues to buy a paper and leaves it anywhere around the house because it’s HIS HOUSE. So I buy my own paper. Back to the rug incident, I told him then I just won’t touch his washer machine anymore. This is getting to petty and ridiculous. UGH!!!
1/1/16:
While in church bringing in the new year. He told me in my ear that he will work on being a better husband and that he’s only here in church because he wanted to keep his word that he’ll spend New Year’s in Church with me. It felt good to hear that; however, I’m feeling a bit deceived still. Fast forwarded to the morning hours. So he caught an attitude with me because I was on my phone talking with family about my niece who became very ill. I didn’t know he needed my attention because he hadn’t given me any signal or said anything. I just don’t understand these quick mood swings because just before I got on the phone things were good. So I left to remove myself from his negativity. II was gone for a couple of hours and when I returned he wasn’t home. I hadn’t heard from him all day so I call him to see what was up. He tried to reverse my comment on me when I mentioned to him that I hadn’t heard from him. I found out that he was at the local bar. Not sure how long he has been there but of course he was drinking. So as I’m trying to be vulnerable, a girl and his wife to have a conversation. Trying to see if he wanted some company, instead he told me that he’ll rather have some time for himself. He was being so secretive and mean. I asked him when I should be expecting him home and he told me that he’ll get there when he gets there. Why does he want to start the new year like this?? So after talking to him, I started to watch tv and surf the net. I get a call from him asking me to come up to the bar. So I did. We stayed up there for a little while. His attention was focused on the other people in the bar. So I don’t understand why he’d asked me to come up there and he was going to ignore me. We left the bar and got home. As we were walking into the house, I noticed that he was bringing some large object with him. Out of curiosity, I asked him “hey what is that?” 2x he yelled at me telling me to get my muthafucking ass in the house and that I talk too muthafucking much and that’s not the liquor talking and that it doesn’t concern me. My response was I’m leaving this room until you know how to talk to me. He told me to leave. As I’m walking away, I can hear him mumbling things and slamming stuff on the counter. I went into the other bedroom, and started watching tv until I feel asleep. I hadn’t taken off my clothes because I was terrified. I didn’t know if I would have to actually leave the house because of his beligent attitude/behavior but I ended up falling asleep because I had had a long day. So I woke up to him coming into the room, pulling the cover over me, moving things out of the way as if he was coming to lay with me in the bed and turn off the tv. I was feeling scared when he was doing all of this because I wasn’t sure what else he was going to say. Then while I was sleeping, I heard my phone kept receiving text messages. I finally looked when I had gotten up to use the bathroom. He had sent me several texts that went like this: “I am going trying to profess somethings new since we have not did this before. When I met you I knew one day that I could try to work hard at being husband to you I knew that that there were a lot of things you were going through but I knew If I could be patient and work hard I could win your heart and work hard at loving you right. I have been more then smitten every time I gaze upon you as your husband and always have a big smile that I am the luckiest man in the world to have a beautiful woman that I can claim as mine. It feels good that someone as you is with me through all my flaws. I just hope that through all we go through that I can still make you smile and have the same attraction as a teenager to make you giggle knowing that it is me that is making you giggle/smile/feel warm all over knowing that this man has only you on his mind every day night, hour and minute. Sending a love letter to my wife, your husband. I love you” I couldn’t believe what I just read. It felt like a joke to me. I just didn’t understand. I felt so confused and upset. He has an unpredictable mood swings. So I continued to focus on me, my feelings and wellbeing.
I feel that my feelings are safe if they’re expressed in our counseling session. There is a 3rd party involved to offer solutions. When I express my feelings to him, he tell some that I’m always feeling something, he dismisses my feelings. I thought you’re supposed to be vulnerable and should be able to express your feeling with your spouse/husband???
I committed to this relationship because it had felt like a breath of fresh air. My life before him I was enjoying and I continue to enjoy but on another level. But I feel now that I’m married, I have to work so hard & can’t even enjoy being married. I didn’t realize how hard this would be. I feel like these last 9 months has been close to hell. I don’t feel good about it either.
1/2/16:
He seem to have woke up very angry. The tone in his voice is not pleasing to hear. It actually is scary! He just left without even giving me a kiss or telling me that he’ll be right back or look at me. He seems to always flip flop his moods and behavior. I do my best to not let him change my behavior. For example, even though he had an attitude at me, I still gave him a kiss before I left. I recall requesting to him that no matter what if mad or not to always kiss before leaving.
Ohmgoodness. I can’t believe this feeling. I don’t want to express to him because he’ll get mad at me. But I’m feeling really shaky around him. I have never felt this kind of feeling with anyone. I’m feel like a ball of tears. I don’t know what I have done. I don’t know what else to do anymore. Should I leave this house? Should I leave this marriage? Is pondering my head. I swear in all my life with any man. NO MAN has ever made me feel this sway. I don’t like it. This does not feel good. I’m trying to figure out what have I don’t to cause all of this pain. I can’t seem to fathom!
I can’t believe what just happened, as I’m drying myself off from a long shower, my thoughts are running wild, I’m trying to hold my feelings in of me being terrified & scared of what else he would say. I’m feeling shaky. I’m feeling weak. I just balled in tears. He came in the bathroom and asked me what was wrong. I was afraid to express to him how I was feeling but I did after a few pauses. Then I told him I don’t know what to do. His response was that he doesn’t know what to do & that I’m always feeling something. One of my request while dating was to protect me. So sad to say that he cannot even protect me from himself. His anger, his bad mood swings, his short temper. I wonder if he’s happy with me. Is he happy with himself? Does he want me in this house???
He says he loves me. I don’t feel it. According to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy it does not boast it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth it always protects, always trusts always hopes, and always perseveres.
So we get to his brother’s house because they were having an adult party. No he didn’t pull me over trying to chastise me. I cut him off telling him that I am a grown woman. That he does not have to tell me how to conduct myself. So he walked away and ignored me the entire night.
1/4/16
Had a rough sleep because husband was tossing and turning, getting up walking around and dropping things. I asked him if everything was okay, he told me that he has nervous energy. I never heard of that before and didn’t understand because I was trying to sleep. After only a couple of hours of sleep, I’m up getting ready for the gym. I noticed that granny gave us a Christmas gift. It was money! Needless to say before I could offer ideas on what to do with the money. He cut me off and told me that it was not my concern. Come to find out 2 days later, he spent the money. Isn’t that call stealing from your spouse? It was a couple’s gift. Then, I recently found out that he’s chatting with other woman online. Really, this is crazy!
There’s many more incidents that has happened …hopefully you can see what I’m dealing with. What should I do? How should I handle this? We’re still in counseling (ended in February 2016), but he told the counselor that he feels that this is a waste of his time. So needless to say, that he is not putting forth the effort. Please help!!
Tiffany, I am so sorry. I have been living in the same situation with my husband for 16 years. He hasn’t changed and the abuse has continued and has worsened with time. I have suffered immensely emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially. The abuse has affected my entire life negatively – my spiritual walk, my relationship with my family, friendships, my career, my health, my hopes and dreams, everything. I always wanted children and he even prevented that from happening. For over 15 years I stayed positive, loving, patient, kind, thankful, and hopeful, but to no avail. He refused to go to counseling, so I went by myself secretly at my church. My pastors encouraged me to separate from him, but I wasn’t sure that it was sound biblical advise at the time, so I stayed in the marriage. God separated us physically soon after because I had to stay at my sisters’ houses during a period of four years Monday through Friday and just saw him on weekends in order to be closer to my job. But then he finally agreed to move closer to my work, so I moved back in with him full time a year and a half ago. Now, I find myself bitter with him which I have never felt before. The “love” i.e. patience, kindness, envy, thankfulness and hope in our marriage is gone. I am currently praying that God either helps me rebuild the love for my husband within my spirit or helps me through a true separation and divorce whichever is God’s will.
I hope you are well whether that means you are with or not with your husband. I will keep you in my prayers as I pray for my own marriage too. Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t intend to scare you with my story not being a story of redemption because God has a different journey for everyone and my breakthrough still could be just around the corner. My long and hard journey may not be the path God intends for you. I will continue to place my hope in Jesus and not be anxious about my marriage. That is what we must choose. Your sister in Christ, Sara