In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
No offense to the advice and counsel that you are sharing through your ministry BUT the YouTube video above outlining the way men and women fight assumes that ALL women are emotional and ALL men are logical. I’m a woman and I’m the one who arms myself with logic, facts and reason. My husband is the emotional one. He is a very manly man and I’m a very feminine lady. Much of our traits and the way we relate to each other truly depends on personality type not gender.
You must not have watched the video all the way through because we address this matter in the video. Also, we clearly deal with the idea of a role reversal in our book in chapter 4.
Thank you,
Dr. Force
I’m a woman and I’m logical I am also emotional and will not apologize for that. I approach most things logical because I’m a problem solver and will get emotional when I’m degraded, attacked and critisized for my logical thinking because it doesn’t mesh with a man’s emotion . . . biggest barrier gratification . . . the speed at which one seeks it. I’ll work, plan and wait while if my husband wants it he just thinks he should get it without any thought, planning or logic behind it.
My husband and I have been married 23 yrs. He was such a caring person while dating,but he is bitter and hateful now,he stepped out and was caught with a prostitute which turned out to be an undercover coo when we were married 18 yrs. I forgave him,and was told we would never discuss it again. I wasn’t allowed to communicate my feelings it was a dropped subject. We have a daughter who doesn’t know what’s ever happened. She is now 16 and to get her way she gets us into it ,he gives her what she wants and blames me for everything that goes wrong. I love my family and I know that it’s wrong to leave but I’m so tired of being verbally abused .he never says I love you, never has a kind word and because of health issues I can’t work but because we are married and he makes so much I can’t get disability, he’s constantly reminding me that he’s the one working and that it’s his money.he used to be in church but has gotten out and doing his same ole stuff again. I’m tired of being the nice person that’s always hurt in the end. I don’t know there’s anyone else but I feel it. I’m just tired of being hurt. I pray and pray and pray but I’m @ my witts end.he is so mean and hateful with his words,he even lets our daughter be mean and hateful, he says my parents were to strict and he don’t wanna be like them,I think they were fine parents.just need prayers and guidance.
I would recommend you first read this article:
https://hittinghomeministry.com/husband-is-mean/
Let me know your thought?
Dr. Force
I am in your shoes only been married ten years. Otherwise it was like you and i are in the same marriage. It hurts awful.
Omg! I’m so sorry about your marriage, daughter, and feelings. I’m praying for you that God gives you the answers you seek and mends your broken heart. I too am in a marriage that I want out of but I’ve been trying to hold on and do the right things. Good Bless you. I pray things get better for you.
He’s that way because he was still cheating imo.
My hubby likes to drink wen I meet him we knew each other a month then got married I realize it was to soon we didn’t know each other well enough now he is verbal abusive wen he drinks he’s up and down in moods he seem to be bipolar he complains of everything we have a 1 yr old and he always cause me of not doing things right wrn it come to the baby then its sad we been married three