In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
I love all your answers! they have helped a lot! but how do you deal with a husband who is a good man but when he looses his temper he becomes very hurtful and verbally abusive! and I mean horrible words! I do what I think God would do, I forgive and go on, but I never forget the insults and words he uses…. other than that he is a good man. Am I doing the right thing by forgiving and not say a word? we are married 30 years! Need an answer! thanks!!
I was married to a man who was verbally abusive and a bully. I am no expert but I can tell you what helped me. We got marriage counseling but he only went once. He became so angry he refused to participate and said he would not come back. But the counselor encouraged me to keep coming so I did. I learned a lot about how to respond in a biblical fashion to him. Yes you should forgive but no you should not simply say nothing about his sinful behavior towards you. BUT this should be done humbly and gently and sometimes at a time when he isn’t angry. Not always right in the moment when they’re railing like a madman. Pray much for him and yourself. It is not a guarantee that he will be humbled and repent or a guarantee that your marriage will survive. But what is of most importance is your relationship with Jesus. Do your best to trust and obey Jesus. Then you will have peace no matter what your husband does. At some point your husband will either be convicted and want what you have or he will be so tormented and bothered by your godly behavior that he may leave. This may not be your goal but as Paul said be at peace and let the unbeliever depart. You are not bound in such circumstances.
Find a good counselor and go even if your husband won’t. You need a support network of godly women around you as well. Not a bunch of women who slam on their husbands and yours but godly women who love Jesus but supportive when you are dealing with rough things and wise enough to point you to help if you are in a dangerous situation.
I was so touched by what you just said here that towards the end your writing my eyes started welling up with tears.Everything I did except going to counselor. What helped me heal from a very unhappy marriage was my renewed relationship with God, Jesus. If you have Jesus, you have no need for anything. Thanks
Maria fe
Amen. My 23 year marriage is falling apart. He told me at the end of November that he wants out of our marriage. Since than I been finding out a lot of unhappy stuff. I ritual I started is to pray on a daily basis. Some days I pray many many times. I also go to counseling. I just don’t understand. I was always a loving loyal respectful and hard working wife and mother and all I ever wanted was to make my husband happy and to be lived by him. Now the only way it seems I can make him happy is by giving him a divorce. And he wants it yesterday.
My husband is a good man but one who is inherently selfish and does not know how to show love. I have dealt with it for 20 years allowing him to take me for granted but believing that he loves me deep down but just does not know how to communicate it. But 20 plus years later I can see the bitterness sprouting, he never says I love you, he never takes time just to hang out like we used too, it is always a hassle to get him to do things with the kids, he never has time for anyone or anything other than his work and things he wants to do. He does not meet my emotional needs and we all work so hard I leave before he wakes up in the morning and he comes back after I have gone to sleep at night. We no longer share any experiences other than we live in the same house. We don’t even eat meals together. He does not seem to have any desire to spend time together. Whenever I try to raise the issue the standard response is that he is working hard to provide for the family which indeed he is, however I think he works so hard because his faith and comfort lie in how much money he can save in the bank. He is continually complaining about how much money we spend yet never wants to make any decisions on where to cut in our budget. I work full time and provide for any of my personal or frivolous needs myself and never ask him for anything for myself and yet it never even occurs to him to do something nice for his wife does not have to cost much even pick wild flowers from the field on the way home it’s the thought that counts. I feel bitter and under appreciated and his kids are just used to living without his presence and he is oblivious to any of these issues.
I feel your pain sister
I feel your pain. The first five years of my marriage were very difficult. I wanted so badly for things to change, to a point of total frustration, and I was about to give up. I finally gave my husband to God through total surrender! I realized only HE could change him. I just kept praying and trusting. I can now say that our marriage has completely transformed! He miraculously agreed to finally go to counseling and she has been a gift from God. So many small miracles, I cant even count. God is faithful, don’t give up.
I’ve been married for 19 years and my husband is a trucker so he spends alot of time alone and away from the kids and I ..Well recently i started to feel very lonely and when he came home i told him how lonely i had felt but didnt get much response other than why dont you go get a job and occupy yourself..Well obviously that upset me i have been a housewife for 19 years so getting a job wont be that easy and it surely didnt make me feel loved at all …So a few days had passed and i asked him if he even loved me or if i was just a habit to him ..He responded of course i love you we’ve been married for 19 years..Then about 5 days later i called to tell him good morning and he tells me remember when you asked me if i loved you well i dont know how to tell you this Kim but i dont love you anymore…My heart has been broken since August 6th..And a week or so later he said lets start the divorce process..Im so depressed and have anxiety..Our son is heading off to college in a few weeks and we have our daughter in High School and we are all so devastated by all of this and my kids have alot of anger towards their father because he’s always lying to them about when he’s coming to see them ..Im trying to have faith but it’s really hard when your heart is broken and my husband has no care in the world ..He still sends money for bills and groceries but has otherwise abandoned us..Please pray for my kids and I and my husband..