In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
How do you handle the husbands alcoholism in this book? Should the wife leave if he’s a threat to her safety or stay and work it out? What about denial of these problems? The husband blames the wife for his problems…then what?
I too would like to know the answer to this? My husband drinks and is sometime a threat to our safety when he’s really drunk and confronted about it. He gets very belligerent. There is no togetherness in our marriage, only emptiness. We either argue about everything or say nothing at all to each other. He blames me for his drinking and does not take ownership for it at all. He spends most of his time with drinking buddies. He make no time for us. I have grown so bitter and resentful towards him just like you mention because he does not tend to his garden.
I am an alcoholic. Look into an Al-anon program in your area. Al-anon teaches self care and detachment with love.
Celebrate Recovery is a great Christian based 12 step program.
I second the celebrate recovery suggestion. Was part of one of their groups for a few years. Great people, great advice/help and mentorship. Having been helpd by them I’ve been off heroin for 11 years. I highly recommend them for your husband.
Yes it is. A miracle for our marriage and my personal health and mental wellness
Have you ever heard of Regeneration Recovery? It is out of Watermark church in Dallas TX, but has places all over. It is a 12 step recovery program based on the Word of God. The program is incredible! Life changing!!! I would encourage you to look them up! Blessing to you!
Look into a Celebrate Recovery group also. Work the steps for your hurts hangups and habits. You can do both groups. This is turning a 45 year nightmare into a blessing.
I agree with the person who suggested celebrate recovery. I went there for three years and learned a lot about my choices and things I could change in response to my husbands drinking. I think if there is any kind of physical abuse you need to leave until he shows with his actions that he is working on change. That would look actually attending some counseling sessions and ….. I don’t know. Whatever you feel like you need to be and feel safe. However. I strongly recommend getting into a support group for yourself.
I second Al-Anon. I have also been to Celebrate Recovery but Al-Anon was a better fit for me, especially the women’s group because everyone there is dealing with the same stuff. It makes you a better person and I. Turn, helps you handle the alcoholism better while protecting your sanity
Get out, period. I lived ur story for 17 yrs. If he gets right you won’t have to look for change, God’s beauty will surround him like angels…no one will miss it. But until then or like usual, he’s on a downward spiral & your life hangs in the balance. Get a plan, get out.
Has he ever been willing to quit drinking if so there may still be a chance if not get you and your family to a safe place I’m a 12-year recovered alcoholic I put my wife through 4years of pure hell.
I’m sorry for your situation, but there’s always hope. I usually ask people that don’t believe in Jesus Christ, how do you know He will not save you or answer your prayers? They usually make up an excuse. The only answer I can give folks is to ask for forgiveness for our sins and believe in Jesus Christ… that He died for us. Then ask in His name that He helps your husband or wives for that matter. Believe He will do as you ask and be patient. Read the Bible folks and you will see for yourself.
If the husband is abusive, you need to leave for safety. Love that person from a distance and Pray to God.
Mỹ Husband is not an alcoholic but is physically abusive at times and every time I distance myself I turn to God for advise, All I keep hearing from him is forgive as God has forgiven you. We have all fallen short. I truly believe that God placed me in my husbands life on purpose knowing how strong i was.Knowing my husband would need an extra strong woman as his wife because he would seem a lot harder to love. It takes a strong woman to love someone who at times seems unlovable. I say seem because if we truly loved as God loves us we would see beyond the negative parts of our husbands to the beautiful people that God sees. The one who not only deserves to be loved just as much as the next guy but seems to need lots of extra because it’s obvious they are struggling with something, hence the anger. I have caught myself at times hoping for God to give me permission to leave only to hear him tell me again to forgive. Such is life.
Wow! That is a true and brave statement! I can’t say how energizing it is for me to read it, having lived this story yet slightly differently, in that abuse is rarely recognized outside ragging husbands and dads and then with a raised eyebrow like shut up. So looking for encouragement to love your spouse or parent or kid through their mess…. especially ones they created or their situation created with out your initial involvement… yeah not so readily available and typically only with a sad look from the other person and a half hearted well I am sorry to hear about that I will pray for you and I hope it gets better, only to never here from them again. Anyway sister if you are being physically abused please consider alternatives ways to exercise love while protecting you your kids from being a punching bag. I agree that mental abuse can be as harmful in the long run , even though way less recognized and way more common across the board across all genders. So may His love aid in the gaurding of your heart against that also and may your ears hear the pain it comes from rather than how that pain manifests. The word Ezer (pronounced With the throat sound like your clearing your throat “gh-Azer”) has been misinterpreted as eve being simply a helpmate for centuries, when in reality it meant one equals man. Not the same as Man but every bit his equal. The second half of the word group along with EZER is KENEGDO. It is applicable to but I am short on time today and have already over typed. But I hope your effort is rewarded in the here and now as well as it can be. Don’t loose hope. I would say I will pray for you but that would be a lie, I won’t likely remember tomorrow but the fruit of reading your story has impacted me today and is encouragement. THANKYOU. May you also be encouraged and renewed and restored as continue being the warrior until there is peace in the land.
You can be forgiving and not stay. Forgiving does not equal staying. You can set boundaries that you will not remain if the abuse happens again and be perfectly in God’s will. God does not love the marriage more than the individuals in the marriage. God loves you as an individual and does not want you to be abused and destroyed in your marriage. It can be more loving to your husband to set boundaries and not stay if he is abusive. Consequences, such as you leaving if the abuse continues, may cause your husband to have to deal with his sin. staying no matter what enables him to continue in his sin. Please make a plan to go somewhere safe. God wants you to be loved not abused.
Yes Shannon! Exactly!
That is not God you are hearing. It is not God’s will nor your husband’s promise for you to suffer his abuse. I’ve been there and believed the same lie. Yes, your husband needs God’s love and counseling but you need to get out especially if children are involved. Your husband is to love you like Christ loved the church even to die for you. Nowhere does the Bible allow a man to abuse his wife. God says to test everything against scripture. Ephesians 5:25 above says the exact opposite of what you are hearing. 1 Thessalonians 5:22, But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
Beating you is not good and it’s not of God.
Don’t spiratulize abuse. That’s NOT what God wants from us!
The Lord says to not treat our wives harshly. In addition, the Lord says for wives to submit to their husbands, but for the husband to be understanding of the wife. Yes, the Lord says to forgive 70×7. Also, I must tell you that the only way you may divorce him is if he cheats on you or is committing adultery. Adultery is in two forms: one is having sex with another woman or man while married, and the other is looking lustfully at men or women while being married. The Lord Jesus Christ extended adultery. I do pray for you and your husband. I was abusive towards my wife and caused her to commit adultery. Yes, because she committed adultery I had every right to divorce, but I did not. Instead she filed and after she was cheated on by who she cheated on me with, we started talking. The Lord says if a wife leaves but remains married and wants to return, then we are to reconcile.
You, do what is right by our heavenly father and our Lord Jesus Christ and try not to fall. Have faith and stay in prayer and fast if prayer seems to go unanswered and I tell you the Lord will bless you and your family. God bless you. Keep your faith
you did not cause your wife to commit adultery.
My husband was abusive and I did not commit adultery.In fact he abused and cheated. Adultery is a heart problem, as it was for David.
What do you do when the wife is abusive and has no respect for her husband at all
That happened offten
I am in your same boat everything is my fault and the drinking along with complete separate lives.
I am in the same boat but emotionally abused. He isn’t an alcoholic but does like to drink and the last few times we have fought. This is the second time we marries each other because we were really young when we had our son. He is now 17. This time we have been married almost 11 years and have a 9 yr old daughter. A month ago we had our worst fight ever. In front of our daughter. As bad as I hate to say this but my mother in law is a lot of our problem. Even thou we dnt live close to her she always has something to say about me. He believes her and I’m always on the losing end of this argument. Anyways that night he told me he wanted a divorce bc of how I treat his mom. ( bc I dnt trust anything about her). He did put his hands on me. Out of 5 wks we have gotten along 1. My daughter tells me She doesn’t want us to fight anymore. But she will always talk and be happy around him bc she doesn’t want him mad at her. My son doesn’t want to come home anymore. He does but only when it’s cerfew time. I dnt know why I’m tell you all this. I keep listening for God to tell me what to do. I dnt hear anything. My husband says he doesn’t want a divorce but in the next sentence we talk about separating out things. I know I can do this by myself. I already do but maybe I’m putting this out there for some advise or whatever. I dnt know I’m empty and I have always fought for us and our family, but I dnt think it’s worth fighting for anymore. Sorry it’s a long post.
I lived this with the mother In law who was like the other woman… she from the beginning with sabotage our relationship and only got worse and worse and worse and of course like you said you are never going to win that fight that is his mother …I tried for 14 plus years…But both people have to try both people have to want it both people have to love each other… I’ve been out almost 2 years now my divorce is not final but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in a long time I even have a new man in my life who loves me but even there I see a few red flags that need to be fixed before we move on first and foremost love yourself
The author of this article and the website has plenty of advice for wives if you care to look around. This particular piece is for husbands.
There is another choice that men make. That if having one or more affairs.
That makes the garden die.
Same thing that happens in option 1…
Yes it most certainly makes the garden die. It doesnt gave to be a physical affair, emotional affairs are just as bad. If been through both.
What about when your garden lets another gardener “in”? Is the garden worth sharing?
And Crystal, both of these types of affairs can go both ways. If communication breaks down then we need to remember that we have two ears to hear and one mouth to speak. Maybe we need to stop talking and start listening. And maybe we’ll get to the root of the problem. As I recall, a relationship involves two imperfect people that are trying to make the best of things.
And sometimes the garden will challenge the gardener by trying to tempt another gardener to look over the garden, or through introducing new species of weed to see what will happen. In all but the most rare cases this will never end well.