In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
What if your husband says things to him is funny but to you its talking down to you? He says he’s joking by insulting remarks
A husband should listen to what his wife is telling him. He should also care about your feelings. Then he should start working on his behavoior. That being said, I too have a husband that says things to hurt my feelings. Most of the time I know he is joking. But then I remember that what we say, we believe. So what truth is behind the “joke”. But in the long run do believe husbands like ours are truly smarty pants at heart and with us they are just so comfortable with us that they forget we are not the “fellas” My advice to you would be, if you have a couple that you both are close to, see if maybe the other husband would be willing to bring it up to him. Many times men listen to their peers. Especially if their close. Unfortunately for me I don’t have that kind of circle of friends. So that isn’t anything I’ve been able to do. Good luck.
Hi Kelly. Are you male or female? Asking because you said you don’t have that kind of circle of friends. I am female and same here.
Yet, I don’t see myself going down that road too much longer. Only God can change him…I can’t. Unfortunately, his garden is dying. If he wants his garden to grow, He has to water it, nourish it and grow it….watch it spring back to life!
That’s narcissistic and a whole different type of dysfunction
He’s gaslighting you.
What do you do when a husband may not even realize or admit how negative he is, even when others who care about me bring it up with me and not him? When I bring it up then I’m the “bad wife” and if I say nothing it’s so enabling. I can’t grow our marriage by myself.
I understand what you are saying. Ive said that a many of times when reading articles that seemed one sided.As with any article, it is up to the reader to take knowledge and understanding of what is wrote. For most part it is us women doing all the reading but if the writer can grab the attention of just one husband with its title or the way it is written and help that one man in his marriage, then the writer was successful.
Hey Melissa,
I know that it seems like you’re caught in a catch 22 here. In the end, you are responsible for your own actions, attitudes, and words. You’re accountable to the Lord for you, and your husband is accountable for himself. Pray pray pray! I’ve honestly seen it work when I bite my tongue and ask the Lord to speak to my husband’s heart. You’re not enabling when you’re being obedient to Christ in honoring and respecting your husband.
Don’t give up!
The absolute best advice! I heard the lord telling me this, but your words are conformation. Tank you!
Christina S.
So beautifully spoken! I think that is the perfect answer for most marital fights(at least in my marriage) I have to learn to be quite and let God speak to me and him. Thank you so much!!!
Unless the husband or wife is narcissisistic. Then none of this works. Let’s be real, there are more narcissistic partners now than ever before. Christianity or any other religion does not work in these cases. The statement is true…it takes 2, who care, in order to make a marriage work.
Jesus came to heal, and his name is above all names, including narcissist. A spouse could very well be the devils puppet on a string for now, but Jesus wins.
You are right, Christianity or any other religion absolutely can’t change a narcissist. In fact a narcissist will most likely use the religion to manipulate and control. However, Jesus Christ can and does. I surrendered my life to Christ in 2014 days before my wife filed and asked me to move out. It has been a incredibly hard 3 years with intensive counseling, prayer and studying the Word. I can honestly say that I am healthy for the first time in my life. I know God can heal the narcissist, because I am healed.
Perfectly worded!