In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
This is really not hopeful if you make this sound one sided. I don’t know if you know this but, in marriage, life, and relationships, it’s just not all about the woman I’m sorry. Especially the way society, and the law has men by the nuts. Marriage is a beautiful thing and the best if its right. If it doesn’t work, it can be the worst, and then the way the law is now, it becomes business (doing the worst leaving Godliness out of it). If you really want to reach men, you cannot speak one-sided. This really makes a lot of women not want to even take responsibility for what they may contribute to the problem (like something to hide behind). Everything this post says is true, but if it goes both ways. Say something that would want to make men and women approach this their problems pointing out both possible wrongs, rights, and so on. If it’s not God first, 100% her and 100% him, and the married couple playing their roles with respect for each other, it may not last. Compatibility is also a major ignored factor. But I wish all married couples the best, and would encourage you to be fair to each other, get things out on the table with respect, and ensure each other that you all have each other.
I agree with you. It does sound one sided but the author is only giving a quip, so the other side may be next…but I had thought after reading this: Well, their target market must be young women that arent tired yet of spilling this out in an array of creative forms before their man. For whatever reason, men look at women as an obligation, a chore, a maid mother type.They are not delighted by her person (so she is not cherished) and they certainly do not “study” (in love) her once married. FIREPROOF “Do you study Tina?” Pride. Also, girls and boys alike have no template anymore or standard to go by except TV which is a sad example. The men that need this info the most wont read this. You have to MAKE them watch a marriage movie. My husband isnt negative but he is extremely centered on self happiness.Its my fault I wont be happy with his hobbies that he desires more than me.I can “come along.” Just want to point out that the negativity is (indifference)in the avoiding one another when everyone goes their own way whistling but inwardly are growing WEEDS. A USELESS garden/life. A wasting.
Wow. Finally someone who put into words the scenario of my marriage.. it’s quite sad. We coexist. If I want to spend time with my husband, I have to share his attention with the movie he’s engarossedbin or the video game he’s dedicated to, almost more so than our relationship. Whenever I ask him to come sit with me and just talk or just be..He refuses. He says he shouldn’t feel forced to do what he doesn’t want to do. So I just go on about my business. I serve him. I enjoy doing so. It’s his inability to make his garden a priority. He’s not even romantic in the least bit. I get maybe one hug a day. A quick peck on his way out the door. And he believes that everything here is 100% OK.
My life
You ladies break my heart. It’s so hard to hear this stuff. I have been married almost 13 mos. My husband is sweet but he misprioritizes things. Thinks what I want or is important is all
$$. I just want his time, affection, and my sexual needs met. I tell him all the time how would you feel if I ignored your needs? But he doesn’t seem to get it and seems to think all
ok. I would
love it if he didn’t work so much OT. 🙁
Could you down size so he could work less? Is that his desire? Most men want to work it is in the core of there being, like most females desire children, it is how good wired them. I also always desire more time, and am married to a pretty sweet guy that attempts to prioritize, but one day came a God smack, you can have a good a godly desire and it also be an idol, particularly if the desire begins and end with you.and the spirit reminded me of Hanna, who was willing to give the child, back to God for his service, it was no longer a child just for her.
I havent been hugged or kissed in years. Not even when crying. I have been the fault taker for 12 years and have only heard im sorry twice. He still thinks everything is fine bc he is.
This is the exact picture of my life. My husband is so verbally, mentally, and spiritually abusive and I just feel so lost. I have 4 children and zero support system, my church cares nothing about the state of our marriage and family even though the Pastor/Elders know. I constantly beg God to take him out of our lives. I would rather raise my children as a single mother than live under such abuse and manipulation. Ironically he has actually read this book, didn’t do him a bit of good but somewhere in our house is is buried under a pile of books, collecting dust no less.
I feel your pain, & I’m so sorry!
My scenario to a T. I feel for ya honey. I’m about to just call it quits. I’ve wasted 6 years of my life. I don’t know how I’ll be able to find a way to support myself and my 2 kids… but hopefully I’ll be able to think of something bc I can’t take this anymore.
Amen! All women are to most men…after marriage… is a nuisance.
I see a dozen or so comments about this being one sided – I would point out it is an except from a book. I doubt the entire book is one sided, although to be fair I haven’t read it, I’m just very familiar with Christian marriage books in general. God gave instructions for both partners in a marriage, although, He does put the primary responsibility on the husband. After all, the Church doesn’t save Christ.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is what I have been reading in the Bible for years. To whomsoever much is GIVEN, of him shall much be REQUIRED. God put man in the leadership position, not the wife; the buck stops with HIM. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and GAVE HIMSELF for it doesn’t mean that a man just be willing to take a bullet for his wife if necessary. Jesus loved FIRST. He INITIATED, just as He made man in His image to do. He loves UNCONDITIONALLY. That means…well…unconditionally. When things are worse. When they are poorer. And yes, when there is sickness. When he has to put HER physical needs above his own. In spite of what feminists (including male feminists) claim, men and women are not physically equal. The God who made both of us said so. It is long past time for Christian husbands to take responsibility for themselves and their marriages and not cross their arms, pout, and declare that they’re not doing anything until “the woman that God gavest me” gets HER act together.
It’s all quite simple. What did God say? What did God write? Has God changed?
It’s very interesting to me that we all call ourselves followers of Christ but when something is “clearly” written and does not agree with us we fight, point fingers or walk away. God is love. He sent His Son to die for these very things. God is listening people and will hold us accountable when we add or take away from His word. A marriage should not be one sided. The articles have seemed one sided. That’s not God. Read the scriptures and it’s all there. God didn’t try to confuse us. He is a straight shooter always hitting His target through love.
That’s good stuff right there GOD just used your words to give a HOLY smack in the face .
My face
I have to say I was becoming discouraged reading everyone’s reply mostly until this point. They said what u was feeling and then you felt God reach you through their words by His Spirit. Yay! Go God Go! 😀
There are no easy ways to fix broken marriages… especially like those above have said that their husbands drink now and so on…. but God is the redeemer and the only one who truly can fix anything. We must love Him so much that we no matter our thought’s or how we *feel* won’t stand in the way. My marriage isn’t perfect… but years ago I made a prayer closet in my hallway and met with God daily about my marriage…. my husband had just stood in our living room and said he doesn’t believe God is real anymore … after all we’d been through with God, after all He has done and showed us…. miracle after miracle…and then he says this. It drove me in the arms of our Savior so intensley. I didn’t care if my husband was home or not, I’d go spend time with Jesus… praying for us… praying my husband back to the the throne of God. It took 6 month for my husband to enter church again and all he would do is go into the foyer. Over time he dared God to give him a reason to believe again, to walk into the sanctuary. And God did what He does best… He reached down right where my husband was at and showed him a sure sign of His presence in a way that was so personal to my husband. My husband rededicated his life to Christmas two weeks after. Have things been perfect, no. We have been at many times where he has been at the crossroad to keep walking due to life’s unforseen circumstances that will make or break you in God. But it’s my duty as his helpmate to help. So i pray. I keep going, standing for Christmas when he thinks he can’t or doesn’t want to. There has been a time or two when it took me a bit to get on my feet from a blow, and that time was so difficult with attitude and negativity… but when I pray… even when it doesn’t seem like anything is happening then BAM! God shows out and my husband begins to change little by little. The thing is to Not become weary in well doing… bc when we do, it’s when Satan finds a foothold in. So even if it looks ugly b4 better, keep standing for Christmas and when you are left with nothing more to do, stand some more.
Now if you and rete being abused, GET OUT. If he is putting you or your children in any kind of danger, Get.Out.
But if not, perservere… both spouses at one point or another are guilty if things have gone bad… but it’s important to get ourselves right with God, behaving as He instructs us, and go after His kingdom first so God can move accordingly on our behalfs, including with our husbands. We don’t need to understand it we just need to trust God that He is God and knows fully all, even if it looks like a mess right now.
My marriage, right now, it’s a bit of a mess once again… and my husband will tell you it’s not anything I have done, but I don’t help when I repremand him to do what he knows is right to do… all that does is push him furather away and hinders God’s work in Him. Who are we to stand in HIS way…
Keep pressing in for your husbands, bc as we do, as we put God first, As we bring it b4 HIS throne, He WILL move on our behalf. We just need to trust and obey and choose to love even when it’s difficult. God’s grace is amazing! ♡
You may have missed the point but you didn’t miss the mark with your reasoning cannon.
My husband didn’t delight in me or my children from a previous marriage. He thought I was raising them wrong and I would’ve been more amenable to his suggestions if I or they felt that he was genuinely interested in them and could communicate to them that he saw some good things and strengths. I was very bored because I had had a long career before I married him and started my own dance studio whether he was on board or not. I know that this was a mistake but I so wanted him to understand and even approve since this decision came from the core of my being. You are right, we were both so selfish just wanting what we wanted. He was 14yrs older than I and retired and just sat around the house. I so wanted him to be a partner with me and share in the beautiful way we could influence young students’ lives at the dance studio. But it was all for naught, he left and 6mos later presented me with divorce papers
I’m a women and I agree to what you have said. As I was reading this I kept thinking, why are they only telling this story about the man and doesn’t it take 2 to tango?? Not a fair evaluation here!
Clearly is just meant to teach about the husband’s role. There’s a role for every family member; children listen to your parents, mothers and fathers even have their own role on their children’s lives. Wives are suppose to submit to their husbands because the husband is suppose the be the leader of the household.
I think what the message and the bible verse is saying is……The more you tend to the garden, the more the garden will be fruitfull for you….
Amen!
It ain’t necessarily so…. the thing with a garden is that the gardener tends to it to receive fruit for his labour. Even Jesus cursed the fig tree, when it did not bear fruit. When a gardener provides nutrients, water and even attention to the garden and the tree doesn’t bear fruit, is it the tree or the gardener….. unfortunately not all trees bear fruit, no matter how much attention is lavished upon them.
And sometimes when the garden goes long distance, the garden puts on a display for other gardeners showing no respect for the gardener that has tended to the garden. Not even saying bears fruit for the new gardeners. But that too impacts on the gardener when he finds out.
Be a fruitful garden for your own gardener, not for the general public, and you’ll see that your gardener finds more desire to tend to his crop over other more mundane things in life.
You are so right, 100 percent on both sides with respect. Putting everything on the table. Starting your marriage out with no secrets is a great start. Amen brother
I think it’s one sided because this passage from the book is addressed to one side. The author is telling husbands what their options are if they find themselves in this vicious cycle in their marriage. While the wife is obviously responsible for her wrong actions and attitudes, even when they are a reaction to flaws in her husband, the husband cannot force her to change. He can choose one of these options on how to deal with it. I would guess that there is also a passage in the book addressed to wives outlining what they can do in this situation. It probably discusses finding the fulfillment of those needs (love, affirmation, etc) in Christ so that she can love and respect her husband even when he is not meeting her needs. This way she can work to break the cycle.
Exactly
I am the wife that came to the marriage deeply hurt and flawed. I am the wife with a temper and the inability to communicate. My husband is the one who has loved me unconditionally, sacrificially and wholeheartedly and that in turn and time has softened my heart and depends my desire to be a better wife to him.
Wow ! Sister I don’t think I have ever read or heard that anywhere before. That was brave and it is encouraging THANKYOU.
Or the wife can take some darn responsibility and quit putting everything off on the husband. I swear, I don’t know if its feminism or a strain of utopian Christianity, but there is this baseline belief that women are basically innocent and men are basically flawed. I am dealing with this right now with some friends. His wife makes awful, unilateral decisions that cause great problems but then gets upset when her husband doesn’t back her. She is constantly on him with a list of problems he has to fix. She never looks at herself. I see this same dynamic all around me. My Facebook timeline is full of “advice” for men, and women’s list of demands of what men should be. But no man would dare post something similar. There is deep rot at the core of modern American womanhood just as much, if not more so, than at the core of American manhood.
Seneca, I couldn’t agree more. Our entire culture has become one that no longer values men and women, but worships women and belittles men (and that sure has done wonders for the family, hasn’t it?).
I can’t see how women are being worshipped?!!! Please explain? I work just as hard right along with my Husband, so I’m not quite sure why your saying that. I know a lot of women that are certainly not worshipped!
I agree with you,and I am a woman. I think it’s not fair the men. It’s a shame.
I couldn’t agree more. This article and many other articles books movies all aimed at putting 100% of the responsibility on the man and none on the woman. This article speaks from that underlying premise that if men do what they are supposed to do then women will perfectly agree and follow and if there is a problem in the marriage it’s only because the man has not been doing what he is supposed to do. This is utterly false. This premise more closely follows Mormon theology in Christian theology.
Well Said!!!
There’s a great rot in all of mankind, Sin. It has many forms. Every man must look inward & measure their life by scripture. It doesn’t happen over night, but with much prayer & consistency it can change.
thank you somuch for saying that. i sugfest everyone read the book Wild at Heart by John Eldridge. He does an amazing job in describing the mystery of a mans heart. I think in this day in age people simply dont value marriage anumore. i wish i had time to explain that im currently phhsically abused by my wife. she is a pathological liar and a narcacist in EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. she is constantly talking down to me in frknt of our children, and creates arguments about facebook and whh i have a lock on my phone. the abuse has gone on for qyite some time. although she will deny everg single bit of it. i feel stuck and atbtimes worry about the safety of my children and myself.