In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
What if your husband is a drug addict and that’s what is destroying your marriage?
I have akways had a problem in my brain that causes depression but i believe in God and i have been able to deal. I found a man i just couldnt believe had a horrible insane past like i did. I am 8yrs sober and he has been on pills that change him horribly. I stay by his side and its been 12yrs. Im 43 and have really lost alot and he is not through. We lost our family young. My kids are my world. Im so depressed now, i lost my strength and can barely get out of bed. Im scared now idont want to be remembered like this! !
Pray for him. Pray for yourself. Ask God to do what you can not. He delivers from addictions. Trust Him. I know very well what it is to be married to a drug addict. A Christian addict. A Christian. Progress often looks like these 3 statements. Have faith and patience and you will see God change what you can not.
Amen…
Pray for him as well as pray for God to intervene and direct your path! If you are unsafe, you must leave. Seek a Christian counselor for yourself. They were able to give me biblical guidance and accountability when I desperately needed it too!
When my husband and I married 11 years ago neither of us had found the lord. Over the course of our marriage I have found the lord due to the many trials our marriage has gone through. What do you do when he wants nothing to do with church or even believing in god when you are the sole person to teach that to your children and try to teach them the ways of the lord? I know the lord only allows divorce in certain instances. My husband is also a very high functioning alcoholic. I am supposed to stick with this and suffer due to my mistakes and not finding a Christian husband?
Hey Danielle,
Please send me a friend request. I would like to pray for you.
My husband says he believes in the Lord yet he’s filled with so much anger and hatred and wonders why we have so many issues in our life it seems that nothing we do ever turns out right I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do anymore I cry out daily for the many issues we have don’t know what else to do
Has anything changed for you?? I struggle with the same thing. I wonder if it’s just me and I see it wrong. I’m so tired.
This is how I see it: you either stick with him and keep trying to help him, separate for a time with the intention of going back to him when he fixes himself, or divorce him but realize that 1.you do not have biblical reason to divorce him, 2. you may not rightfully enter another romantic relationship until the day he dies.
Lucy, while your reply is scripturally correct your reply is abusive because Danielle is in a great deal of pain and she likely can not hear your reply since it is truthful but without love.
Speaking the truth with love is the best way to encourage a sister in Christ.
Danielle, the Lord hears your cry. He will restore what sin has taken. Pray and the Lord will speak life into your family.
So my question would be… is Danielle expected to live a life in misery and anguish, for however long this man is alive if this is not the man she originally married??? Instead of removing herself from a potentially dangerous situation and living the godly life she so desperately wants/needs… this is only a question mearly out of me not understanding… please i mean absolutely no offences…
Life is too short to live unhappy. Period. God wouldn’t give us happiness if it want attainable.
Anonymous, you would be in disagreement with the Bible to accuse Lucy of abuse for explaining precisely what God’s Word says about the matter. The Bible is clear about the guidelines for marriage. Likewise, the Bible is clear about God abounding in love and mercy and hearing the prayers of His children.
Call upon the Lord, cry out to Him. But whether things should turn out the way we want we are to honor God. Marriage is the primary earthly picture of our relationship with the Lord, and when we are rebellious, selfish and faithless, He is faithful. We are called to be the same and He’s given us His Holy Spirit to equip us to do just that.
Danielle & Audrey, I’ll be praying for you, that you would seek God’s Word for His direction and pray for His Spirit to comfort and strengthen you.
Anonymous, you too, should pray for wisdom before accusing a sister in Christ because you don’t like the way she said something. The measure is not whether it makes us feel fuzzy inside, it’s whether it aligns with the Bible. Otherwise, Nathon’s conversation with David and God’s conversation with Job (both of whom were certainly suffering at the time) would have been very different indeed.
Exceptionally Eloquent
Life is too short to not be happy. Period. God wouldn’t give us happiness in Him if it weren’t attainable. I serve a fair and just God. I don’t know who you serve.
Happiness in Him and happiness in the world are two different things. He says we will have trouble. Specifically if we choose to marry! He went out of His way to say this in the Bible. We win in the end. And we can on,y have peace bow if we trust in Him. But He doesn’t guarantee earth,y happiness!
Be quiet and let your conduct win him over to the Lord
Please look at all of scripture. This verse alone is dangerous in a situation where a spouse is in the wrong. It is not truly loving to allow a spouse to continue in sin. I submitted to the verse for years. By keeping quiet, and even sinning against my own conscience, it allowed my husband to grow into a monster and it drove me to despair. Now that I no longer keep quiet but lovingly confront my husband in the midst of his sin, things are better. We still have things to work on, but the verbal/emotionalabuse has eased up. Only when I tell him that I will not allow him to treat me that way, is when he listens. Psalm 21:3 “To do what is right and just is more acceptable than sacrifice.” Do not sacrifice yourself on the altar of marriage.
Thank you. I needed that testimony and that verse.
Maybe you’re thinking of 1 Sam 15:22? Psalm 21:3 says “You came to greet him with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head. “
,…. And if she does ??,.. Is she going to hell ??
1 Corinthians 7:12-17
Your biblical reason for divorce.
Jesus says that Marriage is symbolic of the body of Christ and the Church.
He’s the Husband and the Church is the Bride. If you joined a church and 10 years of faithful following and service with the same church are you a member and in covenant with this church? Would you consider yourself faithful till the end?
What if the leadership begins preaching “occult” like sermons, asked for personal sacrifices..your preacher is bringing drugs into his home and prostitutes for the men on his men’s retreats?Do you stay? Did you wait for the idolatry, adultry, and cursing from his pulpit before you decided that this “church” was not Godly?
Who felt it was the Lord saying to be faithful to your church & just pray for change or would you feel the liberty to decide this church is unGodly leadership & a dangerous place to continue to bring your family or children for spiritual and emotional influence? Would you be led to report this and seek intervention- yes!
Would you as a Christian want to save this Pastor and members, Yes!
But can you do the work while serving that master..I think not.
If then, a natural husband is as the Church- is as the Bride of Christ = sacrificial & honorable leader.
To trust and honor her Church is honoring God. Jesus had many things to say about his Temple in that corruption did not belong in it. He declared he would “destroy” it in 3 days and yes- he did.
If your marriage is not honoring God then it is not of God. It is not a “cross” to bare if the husband is anti-Christ in his intentions for his Bride.
I am not saying “Divorce” is an escape from an unhappy marriage by any means but for those who know the Bible-
God divorced Israel
And took the Gentiles as his new Bride.
This is for them who have an ear to hear.
Remember no sin is greater than any other in the eyes of the Lord. And the Lord spoke to the Pharisees about casting the first stones.
Be strong and do pray and do speak against principalities and claim victory over your spouse and your children & your household; it is your blessing.
BUT above all -seek wisdom and honor God in your life.
He forgave all and we are blameless in the sight of God when we call upon His name and His nature.
He is the example of who we are to be for one another.
God is after the hearts and Relationship with man and woman, not their knowledge of scripture.
Peace
Thank you
What about him tho?. Can he have legaL sexual contact while still married?
I’m very sorry to hear you are going through such a rough situation. I went through something similar that lasted about 5 years from start to finish. God is a God of honoring His promises. Stick by your husband and continue to pray for him. Only God knows his heart and can change it. Be faithful and I promise God will work to deliver you in His time and in His plan. It’s a hard road, I won’t pretend it is east. A great many times I felt like throwing in the towel. But God is just and God sees your heart in honoring your promises. A great resource for further conversation is Focus on the family. They have great programs/ counselors that can help you further… don’t lose hopeā”
I myself am going through something similar. I chose my husband. He was not forced on me. I chose to marry him, and the Lord calls wives to love and honor and submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Is it easy? Its impossible if we don’t rely on Christ every moment of everyday. Scripture is clear. If the unbelieving husband leaves you, let him leave, but if he chooses to stay, how do you know he won’t be saved? I cling to the scriptures concerning wives. Now, I will tell you what my pastor exhorted/ encouraged me to do. If he is physically harming you or your children then there are steps to take. Not divorce necessarily, but possibly a short separation. This is not only for protectection, but he needs to understand certain things in a marriage are wrong, even from a worldly view. PRAY for him! It says God moves the hearts of kings. Also remember what we were once like ourselves. Blinded by our own sin and on our way to hell. This is the fate of our husbands without salvation. Reading the Bible and hopefully you have a good teacher that can help you and godly older women to go to. John MacArthur has a beautiful sermon called ‘How To Win Your Unbelieving Spouse’. You can listen to it online for free @ gty.org. Sorry this response is so long. I have been saved for almost 6 years now and it has been the hardest but also most peaceful an sanctifying of my life. Remember God is goo, He loves you and He is right here with you.
Good’ not goo
Hello friend, I wanted to reach out, because although my experience is a little different, I was saved right before marriage, and he was already saved, I have been in my marriage for nearly 25 years, and stayed because of the biblical teachings of marriage and my vows I made before the Lord. I was faithful and still faithful to that end. What has helped me, is my rock and my anchor, and that is only through the power of the Holy Spirit, that I cling to. He is my steady and so faithful God whom I can lean on. I have raised 6 children, stay at home, homeschooling mother to them, and I see the destruction that has placed my older 3, in paths of questioning God, questioning themselves, questioning us, as parents and spiritual leaders, and I face the daunting task of looking at 3 more children, and wonder whats in store for them, because I stayed and endured abuse, mentally, physical, and other means of control, and believed it was what I was supposed to do. Its a scary unknown future we place in the hands of a Father, who truly loves and cares for us. He doesnt want to see His children hurt, neglected and abused. You didnt mention abuse, but living with alcoholism and behavior disorders, personality wise, for nearly 25 years, I suspect you might be. Because my husband was a minister too, we all kept his secret for him. I wish I could say, I stayed and was patient all the time, for God to bring about His plan to save us, but I was not perfect! Thank God, He has revealed the secrets, and it is out, but the abuse has not left the home, nor the alcohol. It has just been shined a light on. I feel crazy, and my sanity is necessary to continue on and fight the fight for my children, and I am no longer hanging my every step, on having to stay in a bad, bad, marriage. I am not advocating divorce, but I am saying, get support, find alanon via facebook, or other means, for meetings, and find your strength from the Lord, and do the next thing, one day at a time, and you will find your peace, and what you need to do. Im in 3 years of finding support, alanon, and then the doors opened and my husband has been given the chance to repent, and change, so far, he has only confessed, but his heart has not changed towards me, his children, or his alcohol. I can only keep praying for him, but keep myself and my children, at a distance, and let go, get out of the way, and let God be God and do what He wills for my husbands life. That is sanity, that is getting off the crazy cycle and finding health, peace, restoring my Joy, and allowing my 3 younger kids to know what healthy, normal homelife is.
I’m in a similar situation. But I am a believer and my husband tricked me for 11 years. I’m not sure he really is a Christian as he is leaving me for another woman instead of working on us. We have 3 children and now I have to protect them from him in the divorce. I’m trusting God for the outcome as I believe he was a good man and believer but this woman was a terrible influence and has no morals. She left her husband to pursue mine.and he doesn’t see all he sin he is living in. He blames me and made up lies to make me look bad. The lord will have his vengeance if this behavior continues.
Try the book, “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. They also have a great one, “Boundaries in Marriage”. I recommend the Boundaries one first, to gain an in-depth, Christian perspective on healthy boundaries. I just led a class on the “Boundaries in Marriage”, and it’s hard work, but such a blessing. Don’t be deceived into the “suffering for Jesus” mentality if you are in a physically OR emotionally abusive relationship. Jesus came to SET US FREE – Romans 8:15
For you did not receive a spirit of slavery that returns you to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The respondent below, “K”, says it best. If wise counselors tell you that you are ENABLING your husband’s alcohol abuse by giving him a “comfortable” homelife, then the most loving thing might be for you to get the kids out and away from him for a time. You have no guarantees about whether you can get your husband back, but if you allow your kids to live in an abusive environment, there is a 100% chance they will grow up emotionally and spiritually scarred. I would recommend finding a licensed Christian counselor, to give you a healthy perspective on whether you and your kids are truly in an abusive/dangerous environment. Don’t trust your gut – it’s like the frog boiling in the pot of water… we rarely are able to view our own situation objectively. Hugs, prayers, and blessings for you and your kids.
The physical abuse in the beginning stopped and it became emotional deadness. He fulfills providing obligations. He isnt the worst in the world but I do feel like a martyr in sacrificing my happiness and options and my three boys have all mimicked him. Sometimes I wonder if God wants me to leave and then God and I can do something with my life instead of just serving the home (maid). I am very intelligent but have been worn down dumb. I dont have the vocabulary I once did.Ive been out of society overworked with chores. Question: What’s the difference between the unbelieving spouse that walks away from you and sets you free from marriage (bondage) and the one that sits on you but refuses to love and relate to you and checks out with his heart but obeys the norm and custom of being “married?” Ive been the bigger person and it doesnt work for me. 21 years of marriage. No grandchildren yet.
I went through a similar thing. When we met I was raised Baptist and he raised Catholic, but neither of us went to church regularly. We married and had two children. About five years later, I began attending a local church. We had spoken about starting church when we had children, but hadn’t. He wasn’t interested, so I began taking the kids myself. Things started to change within me. He drank on a regular basis, but wasn’t abusive physically. His drinking bothered me because it was obvious and he’d become critical. Many tears. It was a bad example for the kids. Someone will not change because they’re told to. I beat him with so many words. Hurtful words I can’t take back. Lots of arguments. I wasn’t bringing him any closer to the Lord with my words either. If it was physical, I would have left day one, but this was mostly something that bothered me. But I loved him..dearly. I refused to just leave because of that. I began talking to God about it. I have no idea how many times I gave it to God and took it back. Years went by..nothing changed but me and my kids were learning the word too. My oldest did start to see that it bothered me, and began to dislike it. I began praying about it instead of losing my temper..asking God out loud to please take this and to please make it taste like vinegar. He saw me go through two church splits, and settle into another church. He came a couple of times, but not regularly. Not until 2010, with about thirteen years of marriage, when I settled into a church and started getting involved he decided to come. Slowly something began to happen. He was interested. One day I wanted to go to Sunday school, and he came along. We were going to church! Sunday school to boot! Much much prayer. Lots of prayer, lots of heartache, lots of tears, but God began to work on his heart. It was amazing to see. If you adore him and intend to stay and stick it out, (barring any kind of abuse) Pray. Pray every day, every time you think about it. Ask the Lord to show you a direction. We’ve been married twenty years next April. I adore my husband, and although we are not perfect by any stretch, God is at work and has done some amazing things in front of us. He still battles the demon, but it’s not like it was. My husband became a member with me at our church last year. He is growing, knows more than I do already I’m certain from study. Now, he encourages me when I start to slip. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it all to have seen all that has transpired. I hope you’ll seek the Lord’s guidance, and I’ll pray for you. Only God can change a heart.
Like! This is such a wonderful example of submission, obedience, faithfulness, patience, love and most importantly forgiveness taking place in this child of God’s heart! No matter, male or female. This, solidifies God’s truth through real life tangible proof in that the single most important thing we as small minded born sinners seem to misunderstand due to personal emotions and or ideals. No regard to any situation, if we claim to be a Christian, the single most important factor is simple, one has to have the personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Key word (PERSONAL)! Not feeling like you’re understanding our situation merits the right to correct another. Not only our spouses, this applies all mankind. I will proudly say that I have been blessed to have overcome many things. Drugs, depression, suicidal thoughts as well as attempts, adultery, crime, you name it. I once believed that there was no way God could love me much less save me, but the more severe the pain the more powerful yet simple he will use a faithful servant to meet you wherever you are to display Christ only because the servant is grateful for their salvation. No other motive will impact a life to change a heart instantly. This is because God is the love and the method, the servant is merely being obedient and allowing God to do his will. Our own understanding generally only brings confusion and so on. With this said, my wife and I married fairly young. She was 20,I was only 18. That was July 21 2001. Before I knew Christ truly, I claimed I had been saved yet I was ignorant to the word. Very little church. Wife has been in church basically her entire life. Where we are in our marriage right now is really a shame. It’s like we’re stale mate. She’s been hurt emotionally and I admit some physical for the better part of our time. I own the fault and have no shame in admitting that. I’m 36 now and I am struggling with her because she says I’m not saved or don’t serve Christ cause she can’t see the fruits of labor. I get frustrated and confused at times due to my interpretation of the spirit is seems so different from hers. She says I am the one that’s wronged her, she hasn’t done me wrong so she’s not putting forth effort it’s all my job to change. Reality is yes I’ve done many hurtful things and will again because I’m human and selfish by nature. I say to her, all these years, right wrong or indifferent, her attempts to help me only hurt me more and pushed me away because she insisted on my conforming to her ideals and I did with tons of things because I needed to change. But I have never truly felt like she loved and liked me for me. Still don’t. I left over and over again always came back because one thing deep inside me says she’s the one made specific for me. From the day we met and still stands. I will not leave her again because I know he’s working. I confess I’m not putting her first completely. Not been praying deeply over it lately and it’s not because what she is or isn’t doing for me, or how I’m treated or honored. It’s because I’m allowing my own feelings and emotions to control my actions willingly from my hurt resulting from this marriage and life. I admit I’m not seeking my father for strength, guidance, compassion. I’ve not been completely submissive to God’s will and I’m the only one responsible. He has to be first and we have to be obedient in accepting his will not our own. Yes it’s long but I felt it has to be said.
Danielle,
It is a difficult path to walk, that you are on. My heart goes out to you! My MIL was in the same shoes for 33 years. She became a Christian several years after they got married, and my FIL remained a bitter, critical, controling man. She almost gave up, but my husband & I were able to pray with her, look at scriptures about being a godly wife, and read Power of a Praying Wife. At 70 years old my FIL accepted Christ! I firmly believe the change in him began when she humbled herself & asked God to change her first, and she stoped trying to “fix/change” him, she stopped looking at all his faults & started working on her own, asking God to make her the wife her husbanded needed her to be, we began to see a softening of his heart. It took another 5+ years but he accepted! Now they do daily devotions together, small group, church weekly, etc
Don’t give up hope!!
I went through a different situation (following his lead down a path i shouldn’t have ) yet similar in regards to church. I was told by a Pastor this, the wife is to be submissive to her husband ONLY when he is submissive to the Lord. When he isn’t submissive to the Lord and is going down the wrong path, she DOES NOT havr to follow. She can encourage him towards her path, but remember we can’t change them. It took me 20+yrs to realize that. Pray for him. Also make sure God isn’t trying to close one door in order to open another. The last 3yrs, i tried desperately to help my husband become a better man. I took him back numerous times after he had an affair and finding out he had lied about it being over. I had the story of the Prodical Son in mind while doing this. I thought God was using me (because I had been away from God for so long and was back where i needed to be) to reach him. I was wrong. After 20yrs of marriage, God was closing that door. I thought my world had ended. Actually it had, the world i knew. I didnt think i could live without this man. I got out of bed because of my son, i knew i had too. Now we are separated, I’m a single mom with a son who has Aspergers and i love my life. I like being on my own. I lost myself in my marriage and I have found myself again. Good luck to u.
Play hell find another guy bought your age have his best friend to call tell him he saw u with another man then start hanging out together in community a little to stir the pot a little then he loose trust in you a little an he start going to church with you cause only way to defeat hell is salvation in the Lord