In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
After 15 yrs of marriage, 5 affairs, admitted sex addiction, and my husband’s lack of faith in God, I really wish he would consider reading this book. We fight or are “cold” most of the time and I’m doing everything I can to keep my head above water and repair our marrriage single handedly. He says that he only married me to change me and that he’s never really liked me… I’m not consumed with weeds, but there are definitely a few.
Sarah,
I am sorry that you have been dealing with these issues. We will pray for you today.
Have you read our book? Chapters 1 and 6 are especially important for either spouse.
Dr. Force
You may be dealing with a narcissist and you need to get out! If he’s not willing to meet you half way then you are no longer in a relationship, he’s controlling you. Seriously, do some homework on narcissistic men and their relationships. If you choose to stay, find a Christian counselor and pray every day for your husband. Watch the War Room and begin there to build your prayer life with God.
Amen. Wonderful thoughts and advice. I have dealt with same types of things . I have always prayed for my husband but now I get alone and I fight for my husband!!!!! I remind Satan, My God is bigger and I pray the blood of Jesus over him every day I don’t miss a day!!! In the last month ; I have seen my husband excited about church, sen him go out back on porch took his computer and was SHOCKED he was out the worshipping and singing and praising God. Change from God. You can’t do it , God does it ! Be bold be firm and pray pray pray . Be blessed you’ll make it through.
I love this. I so need to pray for my husband, he has so much bitterness and resentment towards me for how I took him for granted. I am going to start praying for him more. Thanks Theresa
I’m just wondering if I’m married to a narcissistic man. We met 8 years ago I lost my tire on my car in his apartment complex everything moved very fast he was in the military waiting to be medically discharged, about our third date I should have stopped rite there I was informed ” he broke up with his girlfriend ” I was a bit shocked since I had no idea he had one my response was you didn’t have to do that …. anyways long story I purposed to him with a ring and everything, he was a recovering alcoholic just had been baptized very kind so I thought we were married 3 months after we met a little fast but I honestly felt a little pressured he told me we were living in sin and either we got married or we moved on so we got married… About 3 months in our marriage he relapsed I started picking up on little comments being made and he was always calling his ex wife, the girlfriend he had when we first met and making derogatory comments about women being hot, etc…. it became hurtful and I tried to tell him how it made me feel ” nobody else ever had a problem ” it made me question my morals like I had it all wrong, he would tell me about his ex wife and girlfriend waking him up for sex and numerous women he has been with ….. those things I didn’t want to hear it stung at my heart like a razor but he always seemed to make it my issue not his,the drinking and prescription meds were still a problem as well he suffers ptsd major depression and anxiety but when it comes to bars buddy he was on it like stink on rice,then drive home he would proceed to tell me wait girl had so many problems in there relationship life etc… this was a major concern because I felt like instead of focusing on our marriage he was more concerned about them… he has ran off before for a week or so with no good reason then come back with a ultimatum as if I left. Two years ago I got custody of my two granddaughters and this time with the alcohol and pills he left been gone for 3 months now but before he left he pretty much gave me a ultimatum again ” I didn’t know you were gonna have them til they were 18 they r 3,2 I’m now second on the list” I know he has issues but to me he’s being controlling, and selfishly please tell me I’m not crazy when he does come by he still tells me about so and so and I was sneaky one night he came over drunk and I checked his phone of course he was telling his ex wife happy Mother’s Day and how beautiful she was that hurt yet again …
Because of the addiction and your husband’s lack of faith, you need to get help for yourself. Please look into the on-line groups or find a group in your area for partners of SA’s. I recommend Journey to Healing and Joy, Women in the Battle, and Beyond Betrayal. You cannot repair your marriage single-handedly. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I know the pain and helplessness. I hope and pray you will reach out for healing and care for YOURSELF. regardless of what your husband chooses to do or not do. If he is unrepentant, pray for him but please get help, support, and get on with your life.
Sarah I’m on Facebook please find me. Troy and Abigail Clone, send me a friend request please. Praying for you.
This has been my unfortunate reality for many years, my husband not only neglected his garden but he has hated and abused it for a very long time, now he is sick with cancer and the grounds are hardened and overgrown with weeds… I am having an extremely difficult time loving him through this, as much as it hurts me to see him in pain and I fight through my own resentment anger and bitterness, he doesn’t have my whole heart and I don’t know if I can get to that place of love that a wife should have for her husband, but I would never let him suffer… I am the one still suffering because he is still very difficult to deal with
My heart hurts for you and I can relate, although it is with a stroke. It is such a miserable way to feel and although I LOVE the Lord, I am finding it difficult to have compassion because of the horrible life this man has given myself and our children that people aren’t aware of. Keep pressing in on God and let Him lead your steps. It is the ONLY way to get through it and for whatever reason, we have been chosen to help them through. I will be praying for you!
Same here. . .stage 3 lymphoma and we also have an Autistic child who will be one always. 18yrs of turbulence and a lot if verbal emotional and physical abuse… I loved him unconditionally allowed him to make all household decision. . . Full submission.. . A month ago his anger and implusiveness caused my 22yr oldvand myself to be forced out with the clothes on ours backs no money friends or place to go. . . God provided all thoses needs within 48hrs. . . Within two wks employment. My husband has our 2 younger boys. He is struggling financially physically spiritually yet still he blames resents and trys to intimidate me. His garden is no longer even alive with weeds. . . It is a dry dessert. He put a devoted Christian wife out. Biblically there is no grounds for divorce that I know of nor would I break a covenant with God.But I am not sure how to honor my Lord and stay married or jope to in this situation. Location does not affect a vow