In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
Ive been married for 30 years. I have always felt I was a burden more than a wife. A year and a half ago, I found out my Husband had been cheating on me. I have fealt it for along time. I always felt like an obligation to him. I have NEVER felt love from him. Last year he told me he NEVER loved me, I was an obligation. He was in love with his 1st love. My life was shattered in a second. All that I have felt was true. Yet I LOVE him with all my heart!! I chose to forgive him. I dont know why hes here if he dont love me. Im depressed all the time. Never good enough!!!
Trust in God and always put Him first sister He will not fail you
YOU are good enough! Never let Satan tell you different!
I have a similar marriage. My husband has never been able to love me because he has given himself over to the lies and deception and rebellion that has robbed him of everything good. But God has used my circumstances just as he promised for my good. I can honestly say He is more to me than ten loving earthly husbands could ever be. My husband doesn’t want a relationship with God but I pray for him always. It is my prayers and His presence through me that are truly his only hope. I am salt and light to him. He is miserable ninety percent of the time. I choose joy. I have to live my life and he must live his. I have no natural love for him. If I do not sin myself and keep my mind and desires pure, God is faithful to give me supernatural love for this man and peace that truly is not based on my circumstances. I pray that you will discover Jesus really is enough for you and prayer is absolutely essential! In His love. Heather
Thank you for your encouraging message!
Heather U R awesome!!
Be encouraged you will find someine that wants to love you and is willing to be faithful to you and the intimacy of your heart. Good men a hard to find. But then.know this as I am also finding out relationships take a lot of work praying humbling ourselves even though we are not wrong all the time. So be encouraged. And know you are special..you will be availuable asset to your next husband and he will appreciate you for you..God bless you…
Hint; don’t even start thinking about another husband or man until you have divorced and healed yourself. You can’t love another if you don’t love yourself. You need to be happy and content with you and become strong in the Lord above all else.
I understand my husband has not confessed yo cheating although deep in my heart I feel he has I will not keep being verbal abused and u shouldn’t either a marriage is suppose to be secret and loving and happy not stressful we both deserve better
Wow…sounds familiar. Email me some time. Always praying !
Tracy…I’m in a similar situation…always praying.
We have been married for 40 years. My husband told me 5 years in our marriage he asked my sister 1st to go with him she said no. Later he ask me out and later we got married. This was within 6 months all of it. I didn’t know this till 7 years later. 2 years ago we had a gathering of good times and he said something that he loves about her and laughing there family told him u chose the other sister this is ours for some reason I can’t let it go. I truly believe he chided her and I was just the stand by. Later we married and he cried right after our vows and still don’t no y. But in our marriage he is all ways gone trucker and I’m the do all wife he comes in to tv and that’s it clothes gets done and he is gone. I seemed to can’t get passed it. I feel like his heart is truly not my I’m 2 in everything. He has no respect for me or our kids or grand kids. I’m the 2 choice and the last to know. It’s like he keeps his trucker life top secret down to his phone everything his deleted. Hurt
Many people think the “grass is always greener on the other side” but don’t realize how much they love and need the person they are with. His distance and dissatisfaction is within himself and not about you at all. If you weren’t there for him, he would notice and realize what he has.
I too have a trucker husband and can relate to EVERYTHING you are saying especially the respect part I have never really had that from him. I dont understand why I keep hoping and praying for him to change. God has brought me through some really tough times with my marriage sadly only 2 yrs in I feel like any moment he will just walk away I live in fear of this daily.