In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
I have a husband that 95% of the time, he is negative in every conversation which is draining me mentality, physically and spirituality. He is very controlling and I feel I’m being smoothered. He has a say in everything that I do which is always negative. I don’t have friends by choice because he always has a problem with them. He wants me all to himself and it’s sickening. This is not love and I wish he would see that. My feel like I’m in jail. This is no way to live. Would this book help?
Yes, especially chapter 6. It may be ordered at:
https://hittinghomeordermaterials.com/storefront/ols/products/paperback-book-how-to-fight-for-your-marriage-without-fighting-with-one-another
Thank you,
Dr. Force
I am in the same boat. I have been dealing with his negativity for 15+ years. I am looking into leaving as his negativity has placed heavy burdens on our children.
This sounds like a very damaging relationship that you need out of. That kind of isolation is not healthy for anyone. I would seek some counseling or help asap.
Stop looking for a book to help you! No disrespect to the author. But you have every answer within you! Stop looking for outside answers to problems going on within!
Your answer sounds very super-spiritual, but it has one fatal flaw: your answer is absolutely unbiblical.
Ephesians 4:11 – And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;
Proverbs 11:14 – Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
Thank you,
Dr. Force
Thank you for your very helpful scriptural answer.
I’m sorry that you or anyone else is living with a husband you described. I get punished mentally and emotionally when I tell my husband something he doesn’t like. Also his younger daughter told me few times now that I’m not good enough for her father. It is truly like a nightmare to be in this kind of relationship. My husband also has some groups on fb where he is talking about God while flirting with single women saying lies about me… I am with Lords help working on my health that I’ve been struggling with for the past almost 5 years
I am in the totally opposite situation. My boyfriend has not emotions when it comes to what I do. He doesn’t mind that I leave, he will not call to see if Im ok…I can be gone for hours!!! That seems nice but it is lonely when I am hurting from not feeling loved because he cares about nothing when it comes to me. I can be in the bedroom for hours and he will not speak or come in the room until I walk out to were he is. Then he will ask what I was doing. The effort is not there and I feel lonely. Then when I tell him Im lonely he says I have a problem with everything he does. I then get angry. I am not married and have been with him for 4 years and think maybe it is just time to leave. I feel he is a good guy as far as financially he is responsible, he doesn’t hit on me and I believe I have not left for that reason and I do love him. I just don’t feel like the feeling is mutual. He was in a 20 year marriage and she cheated and left. They have been divorced 8 years but I think he still has a major guard up for love. I need advice!
My husband and I have been married 28 years and over the last 6 I have been struggling with CHF and often on oxygen and too weak to get out of bed for ant lengthy period. But God is so faithful and has used this time for me to “be still and Know He is God”. He has taught me much during this time. My husband, on the other hand, chose to not be there for the most part of these last 6 years. Then a year ago this Seotember, he left for a week to go looking for a job out of town. When he came back, he did exactly what you described your husband of doing~ the erasing all texts, phone history, web history and would always keep his phone on silent. That was a little over a year ago now and continued to happen up until the last few months. He admits now there was another woman/ women. I should mention that I asked him to leave in January of this year for I simply could not take the pain anymore while fighting for my life. God has healed me physically much by having me eat very natural and specific foods. I know He is going to heal me 100% in His time. In June of this year He had me start warring for my marriage and God has done amazing miracles in my husband’s heart as well as my own. My only advice to u is seek God with all all all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. He WILL make your path straight and tell u how u need to pray. I’m not going to tell u to stay in your marriage, neither will I tell u to leave. God knows all. Trust Him. He loves you like no man ever could. Jeremiah 31:3 I will keep u in my prayers dear sister.
P.S. this book looks amazing and what is here to read is exactly what my husband is now doing. He is cherishing me. Loving me beyond how he ever has, even beyond good years we shared while our children were young. God has softened His heart and giving him eyes only for me.
Much love in Christ, Cheryl
RUN!!! If y’all aren’t married and he’s not serving you then R-U-N! Besides that y’all are liv
Most men are clueless to our needs. Being divorced probably makes him keep some distance, but you need to learn to be honest and clear with your needs and you might benefit from The 5 love languages. Learn with each other how you understand love giving and received. How can you love him so he understands it or do you know what looks like love and are able to share that with him. Sounds like you have different needs. Nothing wrong with that until you don’t understand your needs and his. Start there and see what happens. The least is you learn about your own needs and how you see love best.
Hey Jodi,
Are you a Christian? Do you have a church family?
Some people haven’t been taught or don’t know that marriage is sacred, and that living with someone is very damaging to everyone. God calls it sin, because it misses His intention , using something or someone in a wrong way. It’s out of God’s design and order of sexuality and romance. It causes grief all around. Sometimes, people like your current bf get hurt and fall into relationships that aren’t in Gods will. It’s not too late to turn to God and some people who follow Him to help get you on track, even if your bf is in sin.
If you are, God has much better in store for you than to live ignored.
I know how that feels, my first husband was like this, and it is not God’s intention for marriage.
Thinking and pray about a way to get on your own. I pray you find support around you to get your life going in a direction of joy.
You haven’t married him, so you have freedom to leave. You do the right thing for you, and move out. I know its not easy often because of bills,, and rent and other things. I pray God makes a way. Blessings.
Wow. I truly understand where you are coming from. My husband has separated me from all friends. Distanced me from family. My relationships with my children is not what it used to be. I used to be confident & strong. He tells me how to dress & wear my hair. He tries to use the Word to get his way & condemn me & tells me I’m disrespectful & rebellious when I resist what he says. He continuously asks me about other people, although I am so sick that sex is difficult with him. (Also he is unemployed now so he’s home all the time & knows where I am 24/7). I have gained about 50lbs in the 1 year we’ve been married. He recently walked out on us & is now angry & accusing me even more because I won’t ask, invite, or accept him back. I feel so much lighter. I feel free & alive. Please don’t let this man destroy you. He is insecure & afraid & probably a misogynist. You are in my prayers
Both took those vows in front of God and others. It takes two. Both should recognize their own faults and work on that, not point fingers at one another.
Unless the person decides to look at themselves and can recognize their personal role in the situation, this will never happen. I know. I’ve been there.