In chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, Dr. Raymond Force discusses the 3 choices that husbands have when faced with difficulties in a marriage. Here is a little food for thought from our marriage book.
A Husband Is A Gardener
A husband is a gardener and his wife is a garden. If he fails to take care of his garden, weeds of sarcasm, anger, bitterness, boredom, and resentment will start to grow. It is at that point that every man has one of three choices:
The husband can choose to change gardens by way of leaving his spouse.
Although it is an unscriptural choice, if a man wants to, he can choose to leave his wife. It is not what he signed up for, nor would this choice correlate with the covenant of marriage. But, if providence chooses to leave him to his own devices, he can walk away from his marriage.
The husband can keep his garden, yet grow bitter about the weeds.
I feel that most men in a less than perfect marriage, fall underneath this present category. Instead of making the appropriate changes in their lives, they will stay in the marriage, yet get bitter about the negative aspects of their wife and the relationship in general. Once this occurs, the man has started down the path of becoming a grumpy, negative husband.
Colossians 3:19 says:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The Lord gives this command because he is more than aware that a man’s temptation is to live selfishly, yet complain about the biproduct of living in such a manner. His primary weakness is to become disgusted with the very weeds that his lack of love has helped to grow. In my view, this is why many a husband grows into a negative husband.
The husband can start doing what it takes to prevent the weeds from growing in his garden.
Option number three is not only best, but scriptural, and it involves the husband serving his wife as he would his own interests and desires (Ephesians 5:28). Of course, as mentioned in the last point, he can choose to complain about the weeds, but that will do little to further the cause of happiness in his marriage. He will do more to endear success by taking sole responsibility for the state of his garden and serve his wife as he agreed to do when he made a covenant before God and others.
I find that many men are short sighted in that they fail to see that their actions have exposed their wives to their emotional vulnerabilities. When they should have been focusing on the cause, they seem to become embittered about the effect. A failure to reverse this order will be the source of little or no progress in a man’s marriage. It will only serve as an impetus for a lukewarm relationship at best, and it will lead to the man coming across as simply a negative husband.
I have also seen that men will do more to fast-forward the problem solving process if they will ask themselves questions as such: If I had been sacrificially loving my wife from day one of our marriage, would she have ever felt so tempted to act in a negative manner to my behavior? Or, if I had been properly taking care of my garden in the first place, would these weeds of anger, sarcasm, unforgiveness, and resentment even be growing?
– Dr. Raymond Force III
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
Prefer listening rather than reading? Check out our audio book or listen to a live recording of one of our How to Fight for Your Marriage – Marriage Conferences. These are great options for the non-reader in your life.
Oops! Almost forgot. There is a that Amazon option also available to you.
Option 3 does not work with a person who does not know how to tell you what they want. Using words like should, could, anything, always, and forever provide no help for a husband who sets boundries proportioned with love. J
Option 3 suggests that you continue to ask questions and seek to understand what your spouse needs and how she feels until she feels heard and understood. That takes a lot of effort, but it communicates love to someone who may not be able to easily tell you what they want or need.
Don’t give up! Keep trying!
God’s Word says that a man must be willing to die for his wife… There are not many men, leading in a biblical manner, let alone willing to die for their wives.
If a man was willing to die for his wife she would absolutley respect him. The problem seems to come in when a man does not fulfill his role of authority in the home. If a man neglects this biblical command, then naturally a woman needs to step into his position to fulfill this role.
I do not take any stand against men, or women… But it is the role of the man to be the head of the house. Having said that…woman are commanded to respect their husbands even if their husbands are not loving, or sacrificial. The sad thing is one spouse is waiting for the other spouse to treat them in such a way that then they have earned the proper response… That is not biblica. Our relationship is with God first, then the husband! The Bible clearly teaches that a woman should live in such a way as to cause her husband to want to follow the Lord… That’s a pretty heavy responsibility, we need a very solid relationship with Christ in order to do this! Instead of looking to our husbands, we should be looking to the Lord God Himself to meet our needs! His grace is sufficient..! Cry out to God for His strength and grace as David shows us in the Psalms!
May the Lord God bless all of your marriages, may they operate as he intended them too!
Beautifu response and I agree with you. This is where I have been failing. I have been putting all of my faith and energy into my husband when I need to be doing that for the Lord.
I have done the same, thank you for your post.
I totally can relate. Been married for 16 years and we have 2 kids. My husband hasn’t been the spiritual leader and he’s always too tired to play with kids etc. it’s very sad and frustrating to be living with him. I am praying to God to give me the wisdom to change and accept what cannot be changed. I have felt Stonger but it’s not easy.
Me too! Very well said!
That was the perfect response!
I so agree with you. There is no perfect husband I so agree cry out to the Lord for help start with your self let God take control of your marriage. I’ve been married for 19 years my husband is a God fearing man he is not perfect but trys I’m not on him I trust the Lord he used to not serve God but in time as I left him in God hand prayed to God to change me God took care of everything . So God is faithful we have a happy blessed marriage.