I am finding an increasing amount of men that are just plain mad. They are mad about their marriage, the treatment they receive from their wives, and what they view to be an uneven playing field when it comes to marriage.
Below are few reasons why I believe this to be occurring.
Some Men Have Fallen Into A Pit of Their Own Making
Mankind in general is prone to sabotaging his own own success and then loathing the negative repercussions that follow. Here are a few verses from Proverbs that undergird this thought:
Proverbs 26:27 – “Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein: and he that rolleth a stone, it will return upon him.”
Proverbs 11:17 – “The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh.”
From my experience of dealing with men, many a man has dug a pit of anger, bitterness, and laziness only to end up falling in himself. He often does this by:
Failing To Lead His Family Toward The Light
If a man is not leading his family toward the Light, darkness will prevail in his marriage. It is that simple. Though his accusations will be hurled at the disrespect he is receiving from his family, many times, the darkness of disrespect is only present as a result of his leadership away from the Light of God’s Word.
Being Loose With His Words
A man’s words are like a boomerang. What he gives out will always find a way of coming back to him.
Failing To Protect The 3 Parts Of His Household
Marriage is more than a paycheck. A husband should be looking out for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of his family. If he is not loving his family in these three areas, negative repercussions will follow, and his temptation will be to get mad at the trouble that his lack of care in all three of these areas has caused. We deal with this in chapter 8 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
Some Men Are Still Carrying An Emotional Debt of Sorts
Many wives are still paying off the emotional debts that wayward fathers and bitter mothers charged to their spouse. However, it should be noted that this is why we teach that a happy marriage is comprised of happy spouses. That is, I like to say that my wife and I do not have a great marriage because we have one another, we have a great marriage because we are filled with God’s love and joy before we even see one another.
We often say that people have a God-shaped vacuum, but they also have what I call a Dad-shaped vacuum. That is, many men go through life trying to get out of others what they never received from their dads and moms. Thankfully, God is a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5), and only He can succeed where our earthly parents failed.
A wife cannot fix what others have broke. Only God is able to do that. Although her love can help to display what I call God’s love with skin on it, ultimately, God has to do the fixing.
Some Men are Dealing with Relational Injustices
Many men complain to me that they feel there is an unequal playing field when it comes to marriage. Some even feel that an unbalanced emphasis on Ephesians 5:25 without mentioning Ephesians 5:24 is almost empowering women to withhold their love and affection toward their husbands.
I deal with this aspect in our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, as I wrote:
“Throughout time, women have been tempted to withhold their love and affection toward their husbands because they fail to measure up to their expectations. A woman that has given in to this temptation must realize that when she holds back from loving her husband because he doesn’t meet her standards, she is simply holding her love as a ransom until he comes up with the appropriate payment. This is actually a form of manipulation.”
For Individual Study Or Use As A Couples Devotional
Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual study as well as a couples devotional. With thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter, couples find our book a helpful resource to encourage healthy, forward-thinking conversation. For ordering information, visit our online resource center.
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You say withholding from your husband is a form of manipulation since when they finally exhibit certain behavior then the wife will give affection or respect. I am not sure if it is,always manipulation when giving and being available to someone who is unavailable and not a safe place is so extremely painful. It becomes too painful to give out of such a place of emptiness, pain, and aloneNess. That is not so much manipulation as it is a protecting and guarding against more pain.
Thank you.
This is absolutely true. My husband has hurt me and I no longer feel safe or connected to him. His critical attitude and negative spirit are crushing to say the least. Guarding and protecting myself has become a priority.
I believe at some point the finger has to stop being pointed towards the husband. Maybe it’s time for ladies to work on themselves instead of trying to fix there husband. Pushing your husband to be more of man of God or to read scripture is only going to push him further away. I don’t think women look at the whole picture when a man is being forced he will never do it. Let him get there on his time and that time is with God and himself. Men deal with all kinds of emotional stuff like paying bills, trying to have wife not to worry and that everything will be ok. When a man gives it 110%. Women don’t see what men deal with daily. When a man feels he can’t open up to his wife that’s when it all starts, he has the fear of being honest and telling his wife , the fear of losing her. Assure your husband you are there for them no matter what. May God Bless you all. Men stand strong and keep your head in the word of God
I totally agree. It is just as much manipulation to expect for the wife to keep giving and giving and not withholding while you do what you want as the husband with no regard for her needs. Who is manipulating then? The husband or the wife?
Take it further.
If he’s abusive, blames you for everything, a loner, uncommunicative and so much more…….you learn to withhold to protect yourself.
Especially when letting down ur guard & being vulnerable results in your being traumatized!
Even after 20 years of making sure he went to work with a smile on his face.
My payment::::more hell!
After 25 years, I gave up.
We are at 33 years and never had a good year!!!!!!
Amen!
That is right on..sometimes you have to protect your own heart,when your spouse is not.
1 Cor 7: 3 A husband should fulfill his marital responsibility to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Thank you for this BDR.
Yes!!! Abby is absolutely correct, most wives don’t withhold to manipulate, it’s from a place of hurt, pain, and defense of self and her wounded heart.
Truth!
Agree!
Yes
Agreed! My husband became an alcoholic and always wanted me to be his designated driver every weekend. Then when our first child was colicky his temper emerged. My anxiety went through the roof. Had a second child and he’s better with her but screamed at her for crying when she didn’t feel good. His brother fuels his contempt for me, criticizing my faith and then mad that I don’t want him as godfather. The past few years have been increasing verbal and emotional abuse which came to a head 3 months ago with physical abuse. I tried to leave but not that easy. Pastor and others at church know, but can’t find counseling. No help there. My husband thinks that since it’s been 3 months since he hit me or been drunk at home (new rule, he’s not allowed to come home until sober), that everything should be ok now. The wounds are too deep. The trust is gone. I can’t love him without being open to more pain and the pain is devastating and traumatic. I don’t believe in romantic love anymore. Can’t watch characters on tv falling in love without knowing that they will be miserable. How can I be intimate at all in this state. I don’t withhold affection out of spite or manipulation. I withhold to survive. To protect myself, because my husband won’t. I know I need to trust God with this, but what are the limits? My husband says he loves me, and I think he believes it, but that doesn’t feel like love to me. I can’t open my arms to a scorpion. The nature of a scorpion is to sting. I feel like I’m waiting. It’s all I can do. Waiting for this to end. I can’t love a man who constantly criticizes me and calls my 6 year old a pussy when he’s crying, who constantly berates ethnic and political groups, sneering and hateful. I’m too exhausted trying to not leave him. Can’t be intimate also.
I deal with my husband not standing up to his family. I have to deal with my mother in law in our marriage! The Bible says cleave and leave but it does not seem like my husband will leave. His phone account is on the line with his mother and sister tell me why? It should not be like that we or married if anything me and him should have a line together! His sister comes over literally everyday so and he will not stand up to tell her to stop I have to be the one to say I don’t feel like company. I should not have to the first day we got married his sister came over she stays the night sometimes why when she have her own apartment! I believe in common sense and if you know someone is married you can’t do some things but my husband and his family apparently don’t believe in that! His sister does not have a job but she has an apartment and she does not know how to cook and she is older than me she is 22 I am 21 their mom give us groceries and they say it’s a blessing but no how is it a blessing when you expect something in return she give us groceries so I can cook for them no!!! The only person I need to be cooking for is my husband it’s not my fault she didn’t teach her daughter how to cook. I tell my husband I am not being mean but why your mom giving us groceries she need to be the one giving it to the sister since obviously she depends on us to feed her! And when I do cook his sister never cleans or help wash dishes like that stuff is common sense she is no longer a guest because she comes over everyday! But my husband always take up for his family and tell me that I’m wrong and that it’s not of God!! I just don’t know what more I can do it’s like I’m so lonely I don’t have a husband he never takes up for me or understand me and it’s like I have no one because him and his family is against me because I don’t believe in what they believe in such as these things I typed! And it has got to the point that I don’t even visit his family because what’s the point of being fake and he gets mad because I don’t I just need time until they back off out of our marriage respect my feelings and my marriage then I will! But I don’t know what to do all I do is pray but it’s like it gets worse he call me weak for crying trying to express my feelings to him of how I feel and saying it’s not going to work out all because i don’t want to visit his people but at the same time he don’t visit mines I am on the verge of divorce and I am trying to fix it because I really hate to go through humility and shame from a divorce that could of been resolved if his people just stay in their place of our marriage! And we are all saved so the word of God will make it easier for us all to understand right from wrong. I feel like they are doing me wrong
Please read the book Boundaries in marriage. You are the gate keeper to your home. If you don’t want his sister there I hope you can speak up and tell her you appreciate privacy in your home and not visit unless you call and invite her. If you wait for your husband to take a stand it may never happen and he may be a people pleaser to everyone but you. Do not hesitate to change locks on your doors or do what necessary to get control over who comes and goes from your home. It sound like his family is takers, manipulators and lazy. You need to take a stand against allowing those sinful patterns taking place in your home. If he is not leading, you have a right to control what goes on in your own home. I pray things get better for you honey!