It was a hard lesson to learn as a young man, but once my wife’s spirit was wounded, all the words and logic in the world would fail in making things better in the immediate. Only time, action, and a genuine change in my attitude would prove to help.
It seems that one of the most important lessons I teach men is that there is often a price to pay for losing their cool, being loose with their words, being overly sensitive, or acting in an uncaring way. However, few seem to be willing to accept this fact in a patient manner. Instead, they pout, accuse, point fingers, and whine as if they are expecting age-old principles and marital norms to take a back seat to their specific situation.
Generally Speaking
Though there is no cookie cutter typecast for every single human being, generally speaking, women feel deeper than men. Consequently, it is this part of my wife that I have had to learn to protect. That is, I have had to learn that if I offend her emotionally, my logic and words will fail at pulling her out of what I call an emotional bomb shelter, especially in the moment.
Of course, none of this means that a woman is not responsible for her behavior. I deal with this in my marriage book, especially in chapter 9. However, it does mean that there are natural repercussions to a man’s negativity that must be accepted in a patient manner. If a man fails to relate the effect with the cause, he will find himself continually frustrated in his marriage, and he will come across like a big baby.
The Exception to This Rule
There are a number of verbal women that are married to those quiet or more passive types. As stated in our marriage book in chapter 4, these men will find that their wives actually appreciate conversation in the moment. However, I find that most men will fail if they think their words are an end-all cure-all in the moment. Most wives want action mixed with genuine change over a long period of time.
How this Plays Out
Success is failure turned inside out. That is, those that succeed are not those that have never failed. They are those that learn from their mishaps.
Proverbs 1:5 teaches:
“A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:”
Proverbs 9:9 says:
“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.”
What I love about these verses is that they teach us that wise men are still learning. These verses do not say that a wise man knows everything as much as that he has a teachable spirit.
Early in marriage, I started to see that once I offended my wife, she was going to retreat into a place of safety for a few hours or even days. Once again, I am not prescribing this behavior, only describing it. However, the facts were the facts. Once I acted out like a little kid, I would struggle because I then felt an emotional distance between my wife and I. Simply put, I did not like the effect that my negative behavior had caused.
Embrace the Consequence
It took me a few years into marriage to start allowing these negative situations to be one of my teachers. That is, instead of continually becoming upset that I felt disconnected from my wife after an altercation, I started to take on a different approach and learn from my mistakes.
I cannot over-emphasize the value of this principle. Honestly, it greatly propelled me to success as before I would wallow in pity over feeling disconnected with Melody. However, once I learned to start embracing the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, I stopped groveling in self-pity and determined to avoid the negative behavior that was causing scenarios as such.
Proverbs 20:30 states:
“The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.”
Simply put, when you touch a hot stove, you should quickly learn not to ever do that again. In the same way, I found it better to embrace the negative consequences of my behavior by learning from them. I found this a much better approach than to whine, complain, or hurl accusations once I offended my wife.
These principles are covered in detail in chapter four of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
– Dr. Force
I love my wife. We started in a life together in absolute joy. As time passed we began to argue and gripe with each other about everything. I began to feel that she no longer loved me and wanted me to be away from her. She has even stated to me that we get along better when I’m away. While in training I shared my feeling about my home life with a class mate. This class mate saw the weakness in me and exploited it. I cheated on my wife with this woman, all along giving myself the poor reasons for why I did it. Once I became aware of the burden I placed on my family and my excuses became just that…excuses, I tried to get away from this woman. She began attacking my wife by phone and social media. I would lie to suppress the damage but my wife knew in her gut what I had done. For months I would do everything to keep the truth from coming out, though I was no longer dealing with this woman, I wasn’t prepared for the pain that this incident caused. One day I confessed all my sins to my wife. I opened up and told her everything. She did not deserve to hurt from the questions building up in her mind. Also I needed to be a man and face my demon head on.
Years have passed but things have changed. Now my wife has taken to the role of hurting me. She openly engages with a man but tells me she isn’t involved with him. I found pictures of the two in the bedroom. She told me that she would never hurt me again but she continues to see him. I am at a lost because for awhile I thought this was just my punishment, but now it’s just me suffering. The bond of trust is gone between us. I try to foster hope by giving her access to my phone and email. But it’s not reciprocated. She hold her secrets close to her. She sleeps with her phone under her body. I’m getting the feeling that she has moved on with this man and im just along because we have kids.
Honestly another person will never affirm you and the biggest problem I see is with women. They think a man will offer them security and reaffirmation, but women must learn to find this in Christ and in themselves.
Our various cultures and societies have long disenfranchised us as females, but we no longer have this excuse. We can become educated, own businesses, properties, and be monetarily self-sufficient. This is what we need – not the slavery of dependency that many women subject themselves to. We should respect and esteem ourselves and accomplish things.
Being a wife and a mother is important, but too many women limit themselves to this identity and do not broaden themselves. Women complain men are narrow, and unconversational, and limited while they sit and watch sports all day, but just as many women sequester and limit themselves as well – just with different hobbies and interests. Don’t let your culture and beliefs stunt you. Your culture and beliefs are not the Creator.
Also I do not buy for a minute that there are never any warning signs of a mentally unstable or abusive individual. Many rush into marriages without taking time to properly observe how a person responds in difficulty. It is then that you see revealed the cloth the individual is cut from. There is suffering in this life and that is the blessing. It is real and pushes you toward the cross and towards dealing with your selfish sin nature. If this is not the priority of both people in the marriage, how can it last? Always you will both become selfish children at any moment of personal discomfort, inconvenience, or crisis.
Also you need to ask yourself, if I reproduce with this person, do I necessarily want to see the traits we contain reproduced in my offspring? Because you can best believe they will be there. Be completed in Christ before involving other people. Know yourself and your purpose because you cannot truly be completed by another if you can’t be honestly intimate with your own heart.
I am a counselor, and many times I see the husband blamed for the problems. However, the wives must look at themselves and see where they are contributing to the problems. We, as wives, are very capable of demasculating and tearing down our husbands and thus closing their spirits. If you were as wrong as you think your husband is, how would you like to be approached and treated???
Thank you for being honest Marie!
Women can congregate on a website and commiserate about how bad their husbands are, without ever trying to give him the respect the Bible says he needs. You can bash him to all your friends and family, and then act surprised that he doesn’t want to socialize with them. You can air all your dirty laundry to the church and your women’s Bible study group in the name of “prayer requests”, but it is still just gossip that is cloaked in false spirituality. Instead, try losing the anger and the disrespect, and become a loving wife for him to come home to. Try loving him instead of condemning him. He works hard to provide for you, and yet you despise him in return?
Proverbs says it is better for a man to live in the corner of an attic than in a big house with an angry woman.
Don’t be that angry woman that the Bible is warning all men about!
True, but there are emotional needs specific to women that men should know and care about in a marriage. I believe that is what this article is referring to.
If a man wants a successful marriage with a woman a man should be aware and once that trust is broken it is very difficult to repair.