It was a hard lesson to learn as a young man, but once my wife’s spirit was wounded, all the words and logic in the world would fail in making things better in the immediate. Only time, action, and a genuine change in my attitude would prove to help.
It seems that one of the most important lessons I teach men is that there is often a price to pay for losing their cool, being loose with their words, being overly sensitive, or acting in an uncaring way. However, few seem to be willing to accept this fact in a patient manner. Instead, they pout, accuse, point fingers, and whine as if they are expecting age-old principles and marital norms to take a back seat to their specific situation.
Generally Speaking
Though there is no cookie cutter typecast for every single human being, generally speaking, women feel deeper than men. Consequently, it is this part of my wife that I have had to learn to protect. That is, I have had to learn that if I offend her emotionally, my logic and words will fail at pulling her out of what I call an emotional bomb shelter, especially in the moment.
Of course, none of this means that a woman is not responsible for her behavior. I deal with this in my marriage book, especially in chapter 9. However, it does mean that there are natural repercussions to a man’s negativity that must be accepted in a patient manner. If a man fails to relate the effect with the cause, he will find himself continually frustrated in his marriage, and he will come across like a big baby.
The Exception to This Rule
There are a number of verbal women that are married to those quiet or more passive types. As stated in our marriage book in chapter 4, these men will find that their wives actually appreciate conversation in the moment. However, I find that most men will fail if they think their words are an end-all cure-all in the moment. Most wives want action mixed with genuine change over a long period of time.
How this Plays Out
Success is failure turned inside out. That is, those that succeed are not those that have never failed. They are those that learn from their mishaps.
Proverbs 1:5 teaches:
“A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:”
Proverbs 9:9 says:
“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.”
What I love about these verses is that they teach us that wise men are still learning. These verses do not say that a wise man knows everything as much as that he has a teachable spirit.
Early in marriage, I started to see that once I offended my wife, she was going to retreat into a place of safety for a few hours or even days. Once again, I am not prescribing this behavior, only describing it. However, the facts were the facts. Once I acted out like a little kid, I would struggle because I then felt an emotional distance between my wife and I. Simply put, I did not like the effect that my negative behavior had caused.
Embrace the Consequence
It took me a few years into marriage to start allowing these negative situations to be one of my teachers. That is, instead of continually becoming upset that I felt disconnected from my wife after an altercation, I started to take on a different approach and learn from my mistakes.
I cannot over-emphasize the value of this principle. Honestly, it greatly propelled me to success as before I would wallow in pity over feeling disconnected with Melody. However, once I learned to start embracing the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, I stopped groveling in self-pity and determined to avoid the negative behavior that was causing scenarios as such.
Proverbs 20:30 states:
“The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.”
Simply put, when you touch a hot stove, you should quickly learn not to ever do that again. In the same way, I found it better to embrace the negative consequences of my behavior by learning from them. I found this a much better approach than to whine, complain, or hurl accusations once I offended my wife.
These principles are covered in detail in chapter four of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
– Dr. Force
As I started reading this article, it started to scream at me. This is our life.
I married an amazing man. The start of our relationship was just that, amazing!
But as time went on, things changed. He changed.
It started with the yelling, then looking for reasons to fight. Then the pushing came. One morning I was woken up with fist hitting my head and body. He wasn’t such a nice person anymore. This was not the man I fell in love with or married.
This is when I decided to leave.
I left serveral times. Always to go back. He’s my husband. I married him because I love the man I knew before.
This last time, I have been gone for two years.
In the 2 years, I had no “absolutely no” contact with him. Blocked him on all social media. Even changed my number.
But at the 2 year and 4 day mark, I had to contact him.
He weighted heavy on my mind.
But for some reason, I’m always called back.
So far this time… He has been so much different than before.
Don’t get me wrong. My guard is still up and I still live in another state.
But he has changed from what I and others can see.
He’s more compassionate, thoughtful of what I think. He even looks at me differently!
It’s hard to explain, but people really do change when they really want to change. And sometimes, they will make that change when faced with losing everything they truly love.
I don’t know if he read your book, but I know he wants to do good and stay good.
Now… I have to get use to his sensitive side, but if that’s all, I am completely happy with it.
Marriage is a sacred bond that should never be broken.
I do love my husband, and our reconciliation will take sometime, but that is something the both of us have. We have the rest of our life’s to figure each other out and to love more now than we did then.
Marriage is a sacred bond that should never be broken
What if he had not changed? Sometimes there is no other option. In some situations, staying can be downright dangerous. It sounds like you are telling people that they should never divorce because their spouse will change, just like yours did. That’s not always true. I am happy that your situation looks promising but to sit there and say the marriage bond should never be broken is idealistic and can put guilt and pressure on other people who are in impossible and sometimes dangerous marriages.
Good insight but like you said luckily it is working for her and it looks like she is just sharing HER story. Sad that it took 2 years for her husband to realize that he can change and be a better man. We all want to live the fairy tale and praying it works out for her.
Yums, you are smart to have your guard up because it takes time to discern between short term change and permanent change. If he changes I’m happy, but if he doesn’t it was his abuse that broke the “sacred bond” not your fleeing to safety. Even Jesus and the apostles fled persecution when it was possible to flee.
My husband and I are divorced and back together. We have a child together. We were married almost 10 years when I left. He was an abusive man. Mentally, physically. He would call me names and say how I was a horrible mother and person. It became abusive later in the marriage. Then one day he blew up and pulled a gun. He never pointed it at me but at himself. That’s was the end. I couldn’t do it anymore. I left. And wow! It was all my fault. I had the whole fight on voice recording and was still to blame. I made him that way. Here we are 3 years later back together. It was good at first. But now it’s back to where we started. I’m his punching bag and he gets to tell me how much he hates me.
Rather not say you need professional help and start with yourself. Don’t wait for him. Take care of yourself first for your own safety. You have no power to change him, no one does, only God. But you are able to seek help for yourself and to take care of yourself and you need to be strong enough to. If you want to trust God for a miracle in him that’s fine but let God work and pray for him but protect yourself from harm and allow yourself to heal. Please be safe and stay safe. Talk to someone today that is able to help you. You need to be whole. God bless you.