It was a hard lesson to learn as a young man, but once my wife’s spirit was wounded, all the words and logic in the world would fail in making things better in the immediate. Only time, action, and a genuine change in my attitude would prove to help.
It seems that one of the most important lessons I teach men is that there is often a price to pay for losing their cool, being loose with their words, being overly sensitive, or acting in an uncaring way. However, few seem to be willing to accept this fact in a patient manner. Instead, they pout, accuse, point fingers, and whine as if they are expecting age-old principles and marital norms to take a back seat to their specific situation.
Generally Speaking
Though there is no cookie cutter typecast for every single human being, generally speaking, women feel deeper than men. Consequently, it is this part of my wife that I have had to learn to protect. That is, I have had to learn that if I offend her emotionally, my logic and words will fail at pulling her out of what I call an emotional bomb shelter, especially in the moment.
Of course, none of this means that a woman is not responsible for her behavior. I deal with this in my marriage book, especially in chapter 9. However, it does mean that there are natural repercussions to a man’s negativity that must be accepted in a patient manner. If a man fails to relate the effect with the cause, he will find himself continually frustrated in his marriage, and he will come across like a big baby.
The Exception to This Rule
There are a number of verbal women that are married to those quiet or more passive types. As stated in our marriage book in chapter 4, these men will find that their wives actually appreciate conversation in the moment. However, I find that most men will fail if they think their words are an end-all cure-all in the moment. Most wives want action mixed with genuine change over a long period of time.
How this Plays Out
Success is failure turned inside out. That is, those that succeed are not those that have never failed. They are those that learn from their mishaps.
Proverbs 1:5 teaches:
“A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:”
Proverbs 9:9 says:
“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.”
What I love about these verses is that they teach us that wise men are still learning. These verses do not say that a wise man knows everything as much as that he has a teachable spirit.
Early in marriage, I started to see that once I offended my wife, she was going to retreat into a place of safety for a few hours or even days. Once again, I am not prescribing this behavior, only describing it. However, the facts were the facts. Once I acted out like a little kid, I would struggle because I then felt an emotional distance between my wife and I. Simply put, I did not like the effect that my negative behavior had caused.
Embrace the Consequence
It took me a few years into marriage to start allowing these negative situations to be one of my teachers. That is, instead of continually becoming upset that I felt disconnected from my wife after an altercation, I started to take on a different approach and learn from my mistakes.
I cannot over-emphasize the value of this principle. Honestly, it greatly propelled me to success as before I would wallow in pity over feeling disconnected with Melody. However, once I learned to start embracing the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, I stopped groveling in self-pity and determined to avoid the negative behavior that was causing scenarios as such.
Proverbs 20:30 states:
“The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.”
Simply put, when you touch a hot stove, you should quickly learn not to ever do that again. In the same way, I found it better to embrace the negative consequences of my behavior by learning from them. I found this a much better approach than to whine, complain, or hurl accusations once I offended my wife.
These principles are covered in detail in chapter four of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
– Dr. Force
your comment really touched me. My wife and I separated. We both had inner vows,blended family issues mother in law issues as well as other baggage that contributed to where we are at right now. And I made a terrible mistake by having a on/off affair for several years, to which the female I was involved with contacted my wife and told her about it. Needless to say that really didn’t help. I feel horrible and asked for forgiveness. I can tell she has not done so yet. I’ve everything I possibly can to show that despite our problems, I want to be with her and only her. And she has been unresponsive. The only thing she says is she wants a divorce and she doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. I know she loves me, but she is very VERY hurt, and she doesn’t trust me. But I said all that to say, you were right. I’ve learned that no matter what u try, no matter what u say or do, if your wife is really hurt, the only thing u can do is respect her wishes of giving her space. And the only thing I can do is stay on my knees in prayer and allow God to change me into the man he wants me to be. And that’s what I’m doing.
Anonymous. Can I ask you a question? How do you secretly cheat on you wife that you love so much for several years? And don’t cut it off or feel bad until you are finally caught??? Please answer,I want to hear from a male perspective because this happens a lot. Thank you
My thoughts exactly! Had he taken the energy he spent in his on/off affair that had been going on for years, perhaps he would still have the wife he loves so dearly. Would the affair still be happening had he not been caught? Hmm…
At this point she is probably not believing you are not sorry, you are just caught, you are sad about the consequences, it is having. Lack of forgiveness is a maybe, but when someone is really hurt and no longer trusts, you probably feel lack of trust whatever you say, may be interpreted as selfish, and untrue. Satan can have a field day with the mind of was hurt woman. And it’s natural consequences, the gate was wide open no Shepard was guarding, and trash is now piled inside, she feels dirty and used.
Because we are a bigger mess than you think.
Because we are a bigger mess than you think.
I also have been in similar situations. I left my ex husband because he was physically and verbally abused. We went through counseling together, individual counseling, nothing worked. I finally left him after 12 years of marriage. I finally realized I was not the problem and only God could change him. I remarried another man whom I truly loved, he was amazing or so I thought. He hid alot of things about himself from me. Only after we were married did his true colors show. He had so many issues, I know we all have issues we deal with but his were extremely difficult to deal with. He had a sex addiction, he finally succumbed to his sickness and cheated on me. I was devastated because I thought he would never do this to me. We both had children from prior marriages but then he started being mean to my kids, wbo still were school age ,as time wemt on he became more verbally abusive. I don’t know why I tolerated yet another abusive relationship. I do love my husband and stayed with him after he cheated on me. We began going to church and getting counseling from our Pastor at church. Things were better for awhile then it all started again, the verbal abuse, the disconnection. All my kids were grown and moved away because they couldn’t tolerate him any longer. Now I’ve left him because im all these 12 years that we’ve been together, I finally reached my breaking point. I had lost myself, went into a deep depression, still dealing with that. Staying in this toxic marriage was a mistake. Being separated from him has been peaceful, I was always walking on egg shells, it feels liberating. Although I still love him, the trust is gone, without trust you don’t have anything, as much as I miss him , I know I have to work on my self now, learn to be alone and love myself. I allowed him to treat me this way because I didn’t value myself enough. He did so much damage to my soul, I in turn began to become bitter and angry. I knew it was time to leave. Noone has tbe right to judge you, unless they’ve walked in your shoes. Many people have told me , why didn’t you leave? How dumb I was for staying, well when you’re in an abusive relationship, they break you down a little bit everyday, until finally you have low self-esteem or none left. I know now that I’m worthy of more, of being loved, respected, and valued. Sometimes it isn’t that we love someone , it’s that we’re use to them, unable to be alone. I pray for all people who have gone through this, I realize how hard it is to walk away. It can be done, remember you’re worthy of a happy, peaceful life!
Thank you for your comment. I felt like I was reading my life. I finally left my husband and its been peaceful and I see myself becoming the person I enjoy before I married.
He trying to come back in my life, but I’m not feeling him like that anymore. He has done so so much damage, marriage was toxic, disrespectful kids, he immature and cheating and always yelling and fighting me. I called the and than moved out. Aasaassww peaceful
After seeing the ttruth. My husband still says its always my fault. I try to look at it and do come to the conclusion that some things are m fault. But then I’m constantly berated. How much more is that damaging. Want to leave but have not gotten to that poit yet.