Dysfunctional people have a way of turning the tables on others. That is, they find a way to make those around them feel like they are the problem, when, in reality, their turbulent heart is the source of turbulence in their lives. (James 4:-1-2)
Are You Dealing with a Dysfunctional Person?
You might be dealing with a dysfunctional person, especially in marriage, if one or more of the following often occurs:
1. You find yourself constantly second guessing your actions and motives
2. You are often over-evaluating what you did wrong to make that spouse, friend, or family member mad
3. You are constantly playing a tape in your mind of what you may or may not have done wrong
4. You find yourself taking the blame or apologizing so as to smooth over a situation
5. You are walking an ever so fine line so as not to offend that particular person
6. You are constantly having to explain away the other person’s actions to others so as to keep the peace
7. The relationship is more of a source of exhaustion than refreshment
How They Turn the Tables Around
Dysfunctional people are almost ingenious at making others feel like they are the problem. Though this is mostly done in the subconscious realm, they are, nonetheless, extremely good at putting people in a defensive mode, making the innocent feel guilty, or portraying the perpetrator as the victim.
Let me supply just a few reasons how dysfunctional people have a way of making others feel like they are the problem:
1. They project their shortcomings on others
Titus 1:15 tells us:
“Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and their conscience is defiled.”
Paul teaches us that a dysfunctional person views others through the lens of their own dysfunction. That is, if they have a problem with lust, then they project that on others. If they struggle with gossip, lying, and selfishness, then they typically assume others are guilty of the same.
For this reason, I have a rule that I follow: The accusations of others typically are revealing the sin of the accuser than the defendant. In fact, I have even heard some say that, in spiritually abusive and highly legalistic settings, if you want to find out with what sin the preacher struggles, listen carefully to what sin he denounces the most.
A dysfunctional person has a way of reading things into situations so as to cause those around them to either feel defensive, inadequate, or downright mad. Consequently, they have made those around them to feel just as bad as themselves, and, to be honest, this is typically one of their their goals as misery seems to love company.
2. They draw others offsides
The dysfunctional spouse, parent, or friend has a way of drawing others offsides. In other words, because they are hard to live with, they have a way of provoking others to lose their cool. Once this occurs, a vicious cycle starts in that the recipients feel guilt and remorse while the dysfunctional person feels a sense of empowerment or vindication because of the apologies they receive.
3. They lack self-awareness
Though we can psychologize and theorize all we want, at the end of the day, dysfunctional people are difficult to be around, and, they are usually far too self-absorbed to see that they are the issue.
Due to a lack of self-awareness, all they can see are people either getting frustrated or withdrawing from them. Unfortunately, instead of looking within, they blame without, and as long as this cycle occurs, they will fail to make progress in their lives.
The best day of my life was when I started to take personal responsibility for the environment that my sin and selfishness had created. Instead of blaming my wife and others for the difficulties in my life, I realized that even the tallest branch at the top of the tree of my difficulties was a result of my own root of bitterness.
In Matthew 7, Jesus said:
“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”
Jesus was fully aware that we see dysfunction in others easier than in ourselves. This is why so many are prone to heatedly accuse yet coldly repent.
Fight Against Dysfunction
For spouses dealing with a dysfunctional spouse, we would highly recommend fighting, but in ways that actually work. This is why one of our major steps for women as well as men is to lay down weaponry that is ubiblical in nature and start using weaponry that helps to forumulate what I call a win-win scenario for God’s glory and both spouses. We deal with this more specifically in chapters 8, 9, and 10 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
Ordering Our Marriage Book
For ordering information about our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, be sure to visit our online store.
Dr. Force,
Do you have any advice for the marriage where only 1 person is trying? My hubby often apologizes for bad behavior, but the behavior doesn’t change. He’s not interested in counseling or even a book. He says he’s trying to change and that should be enough for me. He often tells me I’m hyper-sensitive, so I need to just get over it.
Hopefully you find this link helpful.
https://hittinghomeministry.com/when-you-are-the-only-one-working-on-the-marriage/
Thank you,
Dr. Force
Sounds like classic narcissist behavior which this article largely describes. You need more than just you to help
Oh yeah- like you’re the problem. He can’t resolve anything. I highly recommend Leslie Vernick. You can watch a lot of her stuff online. You’ll feel less crazy and spiritually edified.
That sounds exactly like my husband wish I had more words of encouragement. Only keep your eyes on God
I understand you pain and frustration. Iv been married 2 yrs when his cooler age daughter moved in wth us and things immediately changed. Suddenly I was blamed for all things that have gone wrong. I started counseling a year ago and neither m husband nor his daughter will go with me. My husband resents the fact that I’m gong now and he’s a wow daughters have him convinced that m the problem.
I pray for Gods guidance and blessings upon my marriage all the time. However, I am dealing with non believers.
Denise
This article makes me wonder who the dysfunctional one is-me or my husband. Of course it’s easy to point fingers, but I really am trying to work on me. He really has made me question what is wrong with me? How can I say that I am not responsible for his feelings, i.e. his happiness. He thinks we are responsible for each other. He is convinced he doesn’t matter to me, that I don’t need him. Well, let’s be real here-I don’t “need” him to survive. I’m quite capable of taking care of myself. But that has no bearing on the fact that I want him in my life and I want to be a part of his. We have been married 20 years. Our baby just graduated high school this weekend. We have been separated since the end of March. We went a month without seeing each other. There were emails and texts, not all of them nice. When we finally met face to face, that really broke the ice. We were having real, honest conversations about where we were and what we wanted in life. Just when I have started to maybe let my guard down and think I see a light at the end of the tunnel, he gets mad at my saying he’s not responsible for my feelings and, among other things, tells me to go live my life with my precious baby boy.
I am trying to be still and listen to what the God is trying to tell me. At this point, I don’t know if this is the enemy coming in to steal, kill and destroy, or if God is trying to tell me to walk away.
I encourage you to fight for your marriage. It sounds like your husband has some ideas about marriage that aren’t healthy, but your marriage isn’t something you just walk away from. The end of a marriage is a death. Seek God for the tools you need and find out how to fight for your marriage. Fight for life.
I been married 29 years raised his 3 children and my son all as one family in the church. Later raised 3 granddaughters. Years and years of me writing in my journals of things he said my tears and sadness. Very lonely marriage. I been on anti depressants with anxiety 3 yrs after marriage when he was always bursting my bubble and not backing me with kids with regard to God i.e. discipline. All kids older now and I think I taught them to suffer, never give up,and they all learned to treat me as he has. I separated and came back when he claimed to truly repent to God. I can see some changes but believe it to be because he knows I’m tired and done with the marriage. I’m hurt. I feel my relationship with God has suffered that I can not serve God as I did prior to him because he had always disapproved. I want to run to find me again, to heal and draw closer to my savior
Wow! I know your not alone because you just described myself. The running away and finding oneself eats at me all the time. When doing that I can applaud myself for time away and with the Lord, but it still feels lonely. I’m not totally convinced that we can resolve disfunction on this side of eternity. It’s just another fall of mankind or consiquences of it, but I do believe once we embrace the fact that no one is perfect and stop striving for perfection in human kind, (change our exspectations) we are able to give mercy and grace to all. I like the fact that God knows the desire of our hearts even when we are trying to comfort others imperfectly. I hope this was some help to you. My I recommend “when the hurt runs deap” by Kay Author?!
God gives you the grace to endure in a dysfunctional marriage,But what you allow will continue. And allowing it,is the same as if you invited it. Emotional abuse is damaging to you as a person. God doesn’t want his children in abuse!
Too much for quick reply from anyone! I noticed one thing that concerned me: You call your high school graduate who is a young adult, a “baby”…and your husband made reference to that as well.
Sounds like ‘baby’ is the object of your affection instead of your husband. Your desires are to be to your husband not your children. When there is ‘spiritual incest’ between a spouse and a child the other spouse will act out like a jilted lover( because they are a jilted lover) and they will usually end up hating the ‘idol’, even abusing the idol and sometimes Incest will occur or they will go out and have an affair. It will manifest in the natural what is going on in the spiritual. It will look like the jilted spouse who hated the kid or abused the kid or was caught having an affair was the sinner, but in reality it is the other spouses sin of idolatry and putting the child/work/friends/church before their spouse that started the destruction.
#eyestosee
Spiritual incest? I sometimes call my 28 year old son my “baby” because he was my youngest child. It is a term of endearment. I will always see that sweet little boy in him. He is obviously a grown man now and I love him dearly. He is literally a part of me and we are spiritually connected. Only a selfish narcissist would “act out and feel like a jilted lover”, because in their minds they are the only ones deserving of attention, no one else….ever….only them. Only a narcissist would put such a spin on something so pure as the love between a mother and her children. Instead of joining in and being a part of a loving family and being thankful for a solid family unit, they end up on the outside looking in and resenting the fact it is not all about them. They are miserable so it is easy for them to throw out weird accusations and cast blame to try to make everyone else feel guilty and bad about themselves. A spouse who thinks this way does not deserve to be put on a pedestal and worshiped! Take care of yourself and love your children! Don’t feed the monkey, they will just hurl crap at you!
Your crazy, how do you read all that into it. It’s just a mother’s live for her child.
I meant love
It just sounds so co-dependant! If the spouse sees that the love for her child might be more than for him then he can speak up in love and ask for more time etc. together. I relate because I am good at parenting but not as good in marraige. It doesn’t mean there’s spiritual insest. A spouse wanting the other spouse to make them whole is not biblical. God is the only one who can make us whole. And if a spouse cheats for what ever reason, they are responsible for that choice made and them alone. Struggles might have lead up to it but no one made that choice for you but you! Best thing I’ve ever done for my spouse is to surrender him to God. Entrust him to the Lord. You can’t fix his brokenness!
you sound like someone I know that was jealous of their female spouse taking care of the baby. He got so jealous that he ended up ignoring her and the child for many years. Very self absorbed thinking you have. CHILDREN ARE NOT IDOLS. God does not perceive someone loving their child and raising them on the scale of idol worship.
Lauree,
Where ever in the world or God’s precious Word did you even find the term “spiritual incest” ? Never have I heard that term, and I believe you should take that back, as you took this way too far as your own interpretation. You need to be careful when you are using the tongue as it can hurt, wound, and even destroy or kill a person. This lady has not committed any such thing. The “baby boy belongs to both of them, and it’s been proven that fathers have actually been jealous of their own newborns because they felt they were not getting enough attention after the baby was born. This father up is demonstrating jealousy over his own son after attending his graduation, when it should have been a celebration of a life milestone in their baby boys life! Instead he was picking a fight with his wife and being the narriscisstic person he as! He did not care for his wife nor his own son. He was only concerned about his own self and his needs/feelings. That is about as selfish as it gets. My youngest grandson lives with me and my husband and he is not even my husband’s blood grandson. I call him baby all the time, and I call my hubby sweetheart. My hubby, does not care in the least and this is how this man should have reacted. Not care because it was HIS SON and HIS WIFE. This is ahiggly jealous and self-centered man and unless he changes, this marriage will not make it snd this woman will either live the rat of her life in horror and terror or she may even may be killed depending on how much this man will go or do in a fit of rage when h gets extremely jealous of his wife and how mad he gets about how little attention he thinks he has gotten. Don’t think it won’t happen because it happens every day in America!
He sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty in expecting him to take responsibility for himself. Don’t give in, in essence stick to your guns in telling him he is responsible for his own feelings, man up admit when you’re wrong and change your behavior.
I thought it was just me experiencing this, thank you for your honesty. Don’t give up!
Matthew 19:6 “…therefore what God has joined together, let no man put asunder”. God will take what is meant to tear your marriage apart to make it stronger. Pray for God to reveal your faults and weaknesses, as well as praying for your husband’s heart. Ask for His guidance in your communication, that He would ordain every word that you speak, you will see and feel the changes. I do not believe God would ask you to walk away. And I always say Thank you Lord for your mercy and grace. Prayers for your marriage, for God to put HIS understanding in your husbands heart , and for peace in your heart
What if your marriage was based on nothing but lies and affairs. Also alot of emotional abuse. Do you stay there until you are so sick and emotionally drained that you can’t function as a person. Or Do you get a divorce for your own personal safety?
I think we all have to deal with our individual personality issues that may need improving.
Sounds like your husband is jealous of your relationship with your son. Not uncommon.
Make sure to express in ways your husband understands that he’s your priority.
If he’s not, then you can work on that.
Your husband will have to work on his own issues. Nobody can change somebody else.
Support each other and try to grow together.
What God has joined together let no man or woman separate. God bless.
Continue to work on yourself. When you are healed from the damage he has done, you won’t worry about what to do about him anymore. You will be strong and ready to move on with your healthy self and in the future, healthy relationships.