Dysfunctional people have a way of turning the tables on others. That is, they find a way to make those around them feel like they are the problem, when, in reality, their turbulent heart is the source of turbulence in their lives. (James 4:-1-2)
Are You Dealing with a Dysfunctional Person?
You might be dealing with a dysfunctional person, especially in marriage, if one or more of the following often occurs:
1. You find yourself constantly second guessing your actions and motives
2. You are often over-evaluating what you did wrong to make that spouse, friend, or family member mad
3. You are constantly playing a tape in your mind of what you may or may not have done wrong
4. You find yourself taking the blame or apologizing so as to smooth over a situation
5. You are walking an ever so fine line so as not to offend that particular person
6. You are constantly having to explain away the other person’s actions to others so as to keep the peace
7. The relationship is more of a source of exhaustion than refreshment
How They Turn the Tables Around
Dysfunctional people are almost ingenious at making others feel like they are the problem. Though this is mostly done in the subconscious realm, they are, nonetheless, extremely good at putting people in a defensive mode, making the innocent feel guilty, or portraying the perpetrator as the victim.
Let me supply just a few reasons how dysfunctional people have a way of making others feel like they are the problem:
1. They project their shortcomings on others
Titus 1:15 tells us:
“Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and their conscience is defiled.”
Paul teaches us that a dysfunctional person views others through the lens of their own dysfunction. That is, if they have a problem with lust, then they project that on others. If they struggle with gossip, lying, and selfishness, then they typically assume others are guilty of the same.
For this reason, I have a rule that I follow: The accusations of others typically are revealing the sin of the accuser than the defendant. In fact, I have even heard some say that, in spiritually abusive and highly legalistic settings, if you want to find out with what sin the preacher struggles, listen carefully to what sin he denounces the most.
A dysfunctional person has a way of reading things into situations so as to cause those around them to either feel defensive, inadequate, or downright mad. Consequently, they have made those around them to feel just as bad as themselves, and, to be honest, this is typically one of their their goals as misery seems to love company.
2. They draw others offsides
The dysfunctional spouse, parent, or friend has a way of drawing others offsides. In other words, because they are hard to live with, they have a way of provoking others to lose their cool. Once this occurs, a vicious cycle starts in that the recipients feel guilt and remorse while the dysfunctional person feels a sense of empowerment or vindication because of the apologies they receive.
3. They lack self-awareness
Though we can psychologize and theorize all we want, at the end of the day, dysfunctional people are difficult to be around, and, they are usually far too self-absorbed to see that they are the issue.
Due to a lack of self-awareness, all they can see are people either getting frustrated or withdrawing from them. Unfortunately, instead of looking within, they blame without, and as long as this cycle occurs, they will fail to make progress in their lives.
The best day of my life was when I started to take personal responsibility for the environment that my sin and selfishness had created. Instead of blaming my wife and others for the difficulties in my life, I realized that even the tallest branch at the top of the tree of my difficulties was a result of my own root of bitterness.
In Matthew 7, Jesus said:
“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”
Jesus was fully aware that we see dysfunction in others easier than in ourselves. This is why so many are prone to heatedly accuse yet coldly repent.
Fight Against Dysfunction
For spouses dealing with a dysfunctional spouse, we would highly recommend fighting, but in ways that actually work. This is why one of our major steps for women as well as men is to lay down weaponry that is ubiblical in nature and start using weaponry that helps to forumulate what I call a win-win scenario for God’s glory and both spouses. We deal with this more specifically in chapters 8, 9, and 10 of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another.
Ordering Our Marriage Book
For ordering information about our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, be sure to visit our online store.
Question. How do we know God put the marriage together? Did anyone ask him. I hate that scripture being thrown around. There is more iniquity being felt out than not. Most people assume it was God. But the enemy sends in those who lie cheat and take advantage of the real Christian in the relationship. And those were not sent by God nor did he put them together. This needs to be seen in the church and the church needs to discern between flesh presumption and spirit
You are so right. A person can look like a gift from God then end up destroying your credit, having such trauma that your older children go to college and never come home, getting evicted, having cars towed away repeatedly, not working for ten years and blaming the wife’s sickness, neglecting all duties in the home, cars and yard then BLAME wifey for all errors. No vacations, no dates, bouncing the checking account dozens of times, loosing all family friends, and when wife gets healed for 9 days he drags her back to dr to get refills just in case she gets sick again. She refuses to go. But dear Pastor tells her to obey husband. Then the disease comes back 4x worse. Four years later no healing…… oh my. When I hear myself I wonder why im still here. Married 16 years. Daughter 15. Can’t keave. Can’t handle it any more. My vision to be a missionary was shared until day one of marriage. We agreed on everything in our short engagement. Nothing he says is ever done. He thinks he will do it but doesn’t. He had never fixed anything he’s broken. He looses his laptop and takes mine. Four times!!! Then sits on my new one and breaks it. He never replaces or repairs what he breaks. He has shrunk my clothes for 15 years and will not stop putting my delicates in the dryer. He just won’t stop. I’ve lost everything. My three children. My three homes. My credit. (My own BK was 2.3 million in real estate he put in my name) I had great credit when we married and no debt. We agreed not to get into debt. But the first four months he made no money and began borrowing. It’s still a crummy financial mess. . A decade later my credit still is below 600. The promises to fix credit are not fulfilled. Hard to rent a decent home with bad credit. Been homeless twice for long periods. Very scared. and lived in shacks with no utilities 3 times. I begged him to get a bookkeeper for ten years and he won’t -until last week. I yelled at him and told him to get out and don’t come home without a bookkeeper. The next day he had one. She quit after a week. Then I had to repeat the threat. I’m crying out for help. I’ve lost hope. Now he has dementia is setting in. He’s probably always been forgetful but dr said to use CPAP to get oxygen at night or this would happen. Can’t force a man to wear it. Agh.
I try to be godly. My heart is in ministry. But being broke for a decade holds me down. Homeschooling my amazingly gorgeous daughter who now suffers with anxiety from our homeless times, fights in our marriage, sick mother (me) and poverty. So sad. So unnecessary. What a waste. I’ve learned I cannot make anyone do anything. I can’t make him get a job. Apparently there are none for him. Whatever!!
I’m working my tail off. Yard work. Cjeanng cars out. Housework. Laundry. Cooking. Raising big dog puppies for income, taking care of mother with dementia. All for money. I’m exhausted. He’s a great evangelist -but god can’t bless him financially when he is not honoring his promises, doesn’t tithe or honor the sabbath. I’m not judging. I’m pointing something out. We used to write down our agreements. He lost the book three times. It’s hopeless. I can’t do this anymore. I love my husband but….
Hello,
I’m married 10 months and 3 weeks ago my husband asked for divorce. It is the 3rd time in few months that he claims it.
I guess he suffers of bipolar disorder because some attitudes he has that are very similar to a patient with this disease.
My husband says that I’m too good for him, that I deserve somebody better than him, that he doesn’t know if he loves me the same way he used to… but before this crisis we were having amazing days together… it doesn’t make any sense.
I don’t know what to do and what to think. I don’t know how to act face this situation. He said he would apply for divorce papers but he didn’t yet.
Friends and family say that maybe it is going to be better for me to be apart, because he is a person very unstable and I will suffer too much if we keep married. I love him and I’m disposed to walk with him another mile… but it doesn’t depends on me anymore…
I don’t know how I can save my marriage…
If you really love him, go for counseling for both of you. Being bipolar must be really tough for him and confusing. Maybe he can get on the right meds and you can save your marriage. He is probably scared.
This is what my husband says years ago and I am in the divorce process. Set your boundaries, maybe he is suffering from addictions.
I think bringing it before the Lord is best because he sees what we cant but if he is an unbeliever unwilling to live with u pauls says its ok to divirce.as for me i have similar problems we been together 10 married for 8. We worked through that parts by me not being religeous but applying the word. Im trying my best because i want to see him saved and successful. If he leave pauls word still apply right now.he is so running feom the love he so desperately needs. Not from me from Jesus. Is that the case for u? Idk everybody get different call. Different purpose. All my love n blessings as u seek the face of the Lord
Begin to pray for your husbands selfesteem!
Call it what you will…Bipolar, demonic influence, etc…
The enemy will do what he can to destroy a marriage. Marital counseling is never a bad idea or anything to be ashamed of! Mental illness will wreak havoc on any relationship if it is not recognized or properly treated.
I have a friend that has a husband who says similar things and breaks out the “D-word” off and on in a vicious cycle of emotional abuse. He says she isn’t good enough for him, however. That no one likes her in his family, and he brings up her painful past to try make her feel like she isn’t worthy of God’s love…it’s so hard to watch.
In my opinion, any talk of divorce without truly 100% meaning it is abuse. You don’t just throw that word around every time you get upset! It’s a threat of abandonment and no one should have to feel so uncertain in their marriage. Pray for your husband and for yourself, ask God for discernment as to what you should do. I hope things become stable and joyful for you
You alone cannot save your marriage. Both of you have to be willing to put the work in.
If he’s asked you for a divorce, give it to him. You deserve a man who loves and is committed to you.
God loves people more than institutions. Remember that. If you don’t realize the love you deserve, neither will your spoiuse.
My twenty year marriage to a “Christian” man ended and in looking back, I wish I would’ve given him what he wanted and deserved years earlier – a divorce. God has a plan and a purpose for you. Don’t let anything keep you from it. Live for Him and let go of those who don’t want you.