Martyrdom in Marriage


Here is an excerpt from our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage without Fighting with One Another, that gives wives some instruction as well as encouragement on how to better fight for their marriage in a way that is not only Biblical, but far more effective.


A Woman Can Become Her Own Martyr


A woman sometimes contributes to her own martyrdom by retreating behind a battle line of emotion and then tragically falling on her own sword of negativity. Oddly enough, she can often then be heard crying foul when her husband fails to come to her rescue.

poor communication in a marriage

Women become their own martyr by simply responding negatively toward their husband’s faults and failures. With some, their resentment is painstakingly overt, while with others it is more subtle in nature. There are even those whose negativity is shrouded with a cloak of religion in that they quote the sweet scriptures, yet with a spirit of bitterness.

Nonetheless, if a woman continues to respond to her husband with a contentious spirit, she will eventually find herself injured by the very sword that she holds as a means of defense.


Hurting Him Hurts Yourself


The woman that ridicules her husband by making sarcastic remarks and subtle inferences to his lack of leadership and abilities is not only hurting her husband, but also herself. She is not only ensuring that he will have a tough time rising above her low view of him, but she will also end up despising him for not being half the man that she has discouraged him to be.

Deep within, she will struggle with feelings of contempt, since she longs for a man to look up to, but not a man that will look down on her. The problem is that by displaying her inner frustrations toward him, she has become her own archenemy. With her cross looks and her deep sighs, she helps to dig a pit for him that will eventually cause her to become more and more disgusted at his lack of ability to crawl out of it.

Additionally, the wife whose actions and words are minced with negativity may find her husband too weak or tired to push through the emotional battle lines she has erected.


6,000 Years of World History


I will be the first to agree that men should be strong and valiant enough to deal with this battle scene. There is no doubt that men should be willing to push through those battle lines of emotion with unwavering determination as they wave their own swords of unconditional love and kindness. But, if I may, a woman has an ability to build a mighty strong line of defense that seems almost impenetrable at times. And, instead of crying foul that the man has not the strength nor the determination, a woman will do well to lay down her swords of negativity that have proved to be counterproductive for 6,000 years of world history.



For Individual or Group Study


Our marriage book, How to Fight For Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, is designed for individual as well as group study. Check out our online resource center for ordering options. Also, available in Kindle for an immediate download.

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Posted in Advice for Women

6 comments on “Martyrdom in Marriage
  1. Belle says:

    It sounds as though this post is implying that a wife should stand silently by while her husband lies, cheats, spends the family money till the children have nothing to eat and Mom can’t keep the utilitys on, screams at and belittles the wife and children, while Mom does all the housework, all the yard work, all the car repairs, solely responsible for the care of the children, and a wife is not allowed to state that his behavior is unhealthy and damaging to his family? Is a wife supposed to tell herself “these are my consequences for agreeing to get married “?
    I have been trying to navigate through this for over 20 years. Doing it all my, with no support what so ever from him. I am so beyond exhausted. I have been so heartbroken at times, that my fear of eternal damnation, is the only thing that has kept me alive. Someone, somewhere, needs to explain to these men, just how abusive their behavior is. And tell them it’s not okay, rather than telling wives to remain silent. No wife should have to live like this.
    to have it implied, that a wife is supposed to “grin and bear it with her mouth closed”. Is so hurtful. Whose there to help us?

    • Michelle sparks says:

      Did you read the same article as me? Because I did not get that at all

    • michelle says:

      I somewhat agree with you. I’ve been married for 26yrs and the first 20 were hell on earth. After a few years I fought back. Keeping silent was suicide. Buuuut…. by 20 yrs I wondered if I could go on and I sought God and had to lay down what I thought/think is right or wrong and asked Him to show me how do I do my part and how do I help him without being a mother figure– so far so good. I need to not react ALL the time with feelings. does that mean have none -no but when I talk to him or address behaviors- lay emotions aside. Pick and choose. How would I like it if my hubby found everything wrong with me- so one at a time. we work through. I don’t berate him( or try not to). instead, I’ve asked God to show me how He sees him and I call him up higher. “Husband, why did you say that to so and so? You’re such an awesome encourager, but that’s not encouraging. God loves when you look like Him and you use the gifts He gave you. Maybe you should call them and apologize or send a text. I know, what they did was wrong but we’ll just let God deal with their attitude. Lets keep our own hearts right. Think about it and do what God tells you.” something like that goes most of our ways and that includes when it involves me or the kids. Try to look at one thing he does well and encourage him until you’re blue in the face—-I PROMISE . If he knows you have his back he will change and will want to be everything that you want him to be. He will try. and fail. tell him thank you trying. it’s ok to tell hem you got hurt in the midst of his try/fail but he needs to know that you don’t hate him for not being perfect. I just gave hubby an earful about trust. We have to trust a fallible human- he has to trust a perfect infallible jGod. That he needed to have grace with me because he’s failed too many times and he understood. He hugged me and we prayed. Nothing goes easy at first but the change comes.

  2. Cesilia says:

    Hi, unfortunately I wasn’t very lucky ! But that is ok, I am going to be the Godly wife that God has called me to be. Thank you for your Godly wisdom .

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