Trouble Getting Over an Affair?

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Having Trouble Getting Over an Affair?

 

If you are having trouble getting over an affair, you already know that there are a number of obstacles to overcome. These obstacles include fear, regaining trust, dealing with mental images, the marriage bed, and unforgiveness. Let me take a few moments to deal with the issue of overcoming fear and regaining trust after an affair.

trouble getting over an affair
 

On High Alert

 

One of the reasons why spouses have trouble getting over an affair is because, after an affair, their emotions are on high alert. This is for the purpose of guarding against any future attacks on their marriage and themselves.

Emotionally, once a spouse is on high alert, they will be looking out for anything that would appear as if their spouse is still committing adultery. This is usually evident by their constant checking of phone records, questions about the day to day activity of their spouse, and ongoing investigative work.

 

You Would do the Same

 

If a thief broke into your house five nights in a row, what would be your response on the sixth, seventh, and eighth evening? Would you sleep with ease during those evenings? Of course, the answer is no.

When adultery occurs, the offended party feels that someone has stolen something from them. In their minds, their marriage, hopes, dreams, self worth, and the sanctity of their marriage was taken from them while they slept in what they thought was the bed of their marriage vows.

 

Do Not Make these Mistakes

 

In situations as such, I would recommend that the offender be wary of making the following mistakes:

 

1. Trying to calm the fears of the other with mere words

 

This is covered in chapter four of our marriage book. Long conversations about why the offended should feel safe are very futile. Good behavior over over long periods of time is the best way to encourage the other to trust you once again.

 

2. Getting upset that the other is on high alert

 

If you play, you pay. It’s really that simple. And, accepting that this is just another consequence of your actions will help your situation far more than growing impatient.

 

3. Giving up because you feel the offended party is so hurt

 

This only sends out the message that life is still about you.

 

4. Serving the other person with hopes of that Eureka moment when they will verbalize their life-long commitment to the marriage.

 

This only happens on the movie screen.

If you are having trouble getting over an affair, you may want to check out our 2-step process to resolving marriage issues. This is taught in our marriage book as well as our audio series called How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another.

Order our Christian Marriage Book
How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another

 

  • Learn our 2-step Process to Solving Marriage Issues
  • Use for your next Bible study
  • A Biblical Yet Refreshing Approach

 

 

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Posted in Recovering After an Affair

2 comments on “Trouble Getting Over an Affair?
  1. Trina says:

    I have been in your shoes and am still in recovery after 2 years of D-day but 26 years of marriage and multiple long term committing adultery etc. With coffee workers. I am going thru a program called Celebrate recovery for my personal healing. These posts were great to see that I too am not crazy and my feelings are valid. Celebrate recovery is everyone. Look it up

  2. Anonymous says:

    Wow, reading this was as though you had counseled me personally! I am still in recovery (within 2 1/2 months of discovering) and yes, on high alert, but this article helped me realize, I am NOT crazy. And what a sad relief to know I am NOT the only one who has lived through an affair, even one that was denied as an “affair”…just “inappropriate”. While the 24/7 texting is over, they still work together and I have no way of knowing what is true and what is acting, so there are triggers and he acts so insulted that I would even suggest such and such. I’m ordering the book. I need more input from someone who obviously gets where I am right now! Thank God!!

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Available on Amazon

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  • A Biblical Yet Refreshing Approach

 

 

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