Advice for the Dominant Woman Married to a Passive Husband
Verbalizing heart issues is often a difficult task. In trying to help the masses, there are some couples whose paradigm is slightly different from most. For this reason, I would like to address an exception to our article about the Proverbs 18:19 principle, and it involves the passive man married to a more dominant wife.
Married to a Passive Husband?
Much of our counseling on marriage seems to deal with the aggressive male that is so into himself that he fails to stay in touch with the emotional needs of his delicate wife. Though this is certainly worth addressing, some couples have what I would call a role reversal in that it is the wife that is more aggressive in nature in comparison to her more passive husband.
For marriages in such a state, it should be noted that the woman can often be just as guilty as the man when it comes to using logic and reason to penetrate walls of emotion (This is discussed in greater detail in our article about the Proverbs 18:19 principle.). As the wife verbalizes what she deems to be very logical statements about the past, the husband will often run for cover in what I call an emotional or physical cave. Couples that find themselves in this scenario will do well to apply many of the same rules as previously mentioned in our article about the Proverbs 18:19 principle, yet with a few considerations:
Serve by Showing Up for Conversation
In the context of an argument, I usually stress that men serve in the moment and convince at a later time. However, the more passive husband may need to serve his wife by showing up for conversation. In these situations, ninety percent of success for the male is usually showing up for the talks that the wife desires to have. Bear in mind, however, these talks should never take place in an emotionally charged atmosphere.
Backing into a Corner
Usually the more passive male is married to a woman that is far superior at articulating her thoughts. Men married to women as such often feel verbally backed into a corner during fights and arguments. The wise woman in this type of a marriage should be careful to to talk to her husband in a way that does not make him feel demeaned or less like a man.
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Hello, I am in kinda the same situation as Shayla. I have a very strong personality but so does my husband, except at home. I watch him be a leader in ministry areas but not our home. When I speak of these things, no matter how I speak them. Rather it be in tears a soft and gentle tone he refuses to address the issues at hand which leaves me hurt and angry. We have seen counselors in the past and they tell him he has 24 hrs to address the issue I have presented. Only he has gone up to 3 wks or more and this causes an huge erruption of emotions and thing get heated then next thing I know I am threatening to leave. It is only because I watch this man have so much compassion, empathy and pursuit for others. I do not get the same. It has been like this for 21 yrs. I am trying to hold on but i am plummeting into hopelessness. Feeling like there is so much damage that can’t be undone.
I know that i have a strong personality and can be very dominant. It is a huge cross i carry and i am trying my hardest to change and use this to better serve my husband and god. I am struggling though because when i handle a situation in love and i try not to react but to allow time and prayer, he still thinks that im overreacting and that im overly sensitive. I am so hurt and tired because whenever i open up about my heart he shuts me down and makes me feel like my feelings are pointless. I am trying so hard to love him in all the ways that he asks but when it comes to my emotional wellbeing and my bucket of love, he always says that he is too tired, that i talk too much, im over sensitive, and that i did a list of things to hurt him which justify him in the end…. It seems like no matter what i do… He runs away… Any advice please!
Not so sure you should be beating yourself up over having a strong personality. That is God-given and it should be used for his Glory and the good of your home.
Also, it seems as if you are one of those wives that may need to love your husband by showing a little more strength. Though you may be gunshy about showing strength because of your strong personality, he may need a balance between kindness and strength. I get the sense that your husband is abusing your kindness. Take a look at this article: https://hittinghomeministry.com/husband-is-mean/
Also, our marriage book may help you to better handle this situation, especially chapter 4. Check it out at http://www.Shop.HittingHomeMinistry.com.
Thank you,
Dr. Force