Do you feel that your husband is mean?
If the internet was around when we were first married, my wife would probably have been searching for this page. I will readily admit that at times I was a mean husband, but I am so glad for God’s grace and my wife’s wisdom as it helped to push us through those difficult times. Let me relay a little advice for women that feel that their husband is mean.
The Need for a Balanced Approach
If you’re husband is mean, then, more than likely, your husband needs a little kindness mixed with a lot of strength. In fact, I often say that it was my wife’s kindness that paved the way for her strength to have an effect upon me.
The Strength is Not in Your Propensity to Show Anger
I often say that husbands and wives have great motives yet lousy methods. This is especially true when it comes to spouses sticking up for themselves. That is, many spouses feel that if they are going to prove their point or stand up for themselves, then they must do it with a show of anger. This is almost always a mistake as it takes the focus off of the other’s person’s dysfunction and it places the attention on themselves.
How to Show Strength
After sharing with women the above mentioned principles, I am almost always asked the question, “Exactly how do you show this strength?” Here are a few ways in which this can be done:
1. Calmly let him know when he is cursing or belittling you that you will not participate in a conversation on that level.
If he persists, then quietly leave the conversation. Many men get the point after a few conversations as such.
2. Do not allow his negative behavior to dictate your level of happiness.
I cannot stress how important this point is. In fact, this is why we deal with this in our first chapter of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another.
The worst form of control that a man has over a woman is the control that she freely gives to him over her spirit. In fact, I typically find that when a woman can gain back that control, the atmosphere has a way of changing in the relationship. Instead of the woman being viewed as a desperate tag-a-long trying to get her husband’s attention, once again, he becomes the pursuer that is in need of wooing her heart.
3. Let him know that you are not planning on leaving or divorcing him.
But, if he persists in his behavior you are afraid of losing hope that the marriage will ever change. Also, let him know that though you have no immediate plans of leaving, you are afraid of what your feelings will tempt you to do if his negative behavior persists.
If you will notice, verbalizing your feelings as such is the most benign way of dealing with such a situation. You will find that this method not only keeps the issue on the issue at hand, but it also shows a very solid strength that is more apt to get his attention than yelling, cursing, and giving senseless ultimatums.
Of course, the above mentioned advice is not necessarily geared for situations where your well-being or your life is in danger. The above mentioned advice is more for the marriage that is dealing with what some would call normal marital dysfunction. If you are married to an abusive husband and your well being is being compromised, then I would recommend that you seek out the guidance of a local, state therapist or counselor.