The secret to having a happy marriage is to realize that marriage alone cannot make you happy. Take a look at this excerpt from chapter one of our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, to learn how to truly have a happy marriage.
Chasing a Mirage?
Marriage has the best sales yet the worst advertising of any product on the market. As a result, it still amazes me how many singles look to a relationship with the opposite gender or marriage itself as a major source for happiness.
Though marriage is a marvelous institution, it must be noted that happy singles make happy married people. If a person is unhappy or unfulfilled before marriage, unless something changes within, they will fall short of enjoying a happy marriage.
What is a Great Marriage?
Here is one of the many ways that I describe what makes a great marriage:
A great marriage is when two full grown adults wake up with their cup of happiness and fulfillment full to overflowing. What spills out of that cup is what should land on the other person.
Do you wake up happy despite the behavior of your spouse? Or, has it been your custom to go through the day thinking that if your spouse would make the right changes, then you could see yourself enjoying a happy marriage? A spouse’s answers to these questions can sometimes be the dividing line between an unhappy or a happy marriage.
If you are waiting for your spouse to change before feeling happy and content, then you are chasing a mirage. Quite simply, you are investing in a stock that will always yield few returns in that your spouse is too small to be your sole source of emotional and spiritual sustenance. In fact, I often teach that looking to your spouse for happiness and fulfillment can be likened to trying to fill a 55 gallon barrel with a thimble full of water. Your spouse is simply too small in comparison with God.
The Promises of God
The promises of God concerning your own happiness and contentment never hinge upon your spouse’s obedience or disobedience to God. In fact, the promises of God concerning happiness and joy only rely upon your faith in the faithfulness of God. Any other approach will cause your emotional state to be like a yo-yo on the string of your spouse’s inconsistencies, and you will be prone to be up one day and down the next.
When couples enter into marriage looking for happiness, they end up, as Patrick Morely states, becoming “two tics with no dog” (2.). That is, they suck the life right out of one another, and, it is not too long before they are looking elsewhere for fulfillment.
Fullness of Joy
Psalm 16:11 tells us that in God’s presence there is “fullness of joy”. The usage of the word fullness teaches us that there is no room for improvement upon the joy that God supplies.
Marriage, on the other hand, is the exact opposite in that, after the wedding day, we quickly see areas in ourselves, the other person, and the relationship that are often lacking.
Notwithstanding, lest some feel that I have some type of monastic or stoic attitude toward marriage, I would like to point out that I believe that God desires for us to have a happy marriage. This is clearly evident from Proverbs 5.
The Proverbs 5:19 Principle
Proverbs 5:19 tells us that the husband is to always be ravished with the love of his wife. According to Webster’s dictionary from 1828, the word ravished means to delight to ecstasy. The word ecstasy means to be carried away with extreme delight or joy. Therefore, we can conclude that marriage is to be a an emotionally fulfilling relationship, but only after Christ has become what your spouse can never be, your all in all (Ephesians 1:23).
I deem marriage to be the icing on top of the cake. That is, matrimony is a fringe benefit to what the Lord has already done in our lives. Unfortunately, some men and women have little or no cake upon which that icing can rest. In cases as such, their mates often grow weary in their attempts at blessing them as, deep down, I believe they know they can never take the place of God in their lives.
Ordering Our Marriage Book
Our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting With One Another, has been designed for individual as well as small group study use. It also makes a great couples devotional with thought-provoking questions at the end of each chapter. Order our marriage book at our online resource center, or you may also check out our Kindle Version for immediate download.
- Learn about our proven, 2-step process
- Designed as a couples devotional
- Use in a group study
- A biblical and refreshing approach
So my husband is an alcoholic. Two years ago he got a DUI. Last year he left and went to a party, and was beaten unconscious. He missed over a month of work. While he was out of work, he began texting one of his female customers. There were long phone calls, frequent visits to her office and very explicit text messages sent between one another. I found a picture of him, a very inappropriate picture in his deleted file in his phone. When I approached him, he literally tried to make me think I was crazy for over a week before he finally got really drunk and admitted that him and this girl had been sending photos back and forth. He said ” it was completely innocent, nothing ever happened”. But to me it did, he opened his heart and his lust for another woman, regardless of if there was actually sexual acts done in person. To me, that is still adultery. Now, his drinking has gone from bad to worse. Every bit of our debt is in my name because at 38 he does not have any credit. I am a godly woman and have prayed and prayed so many prayers. I finally put my foot down and told him this weekend that I was not going to tolerate his behavior anymore. He promised he understood, blah blah blah. Yesterday he called me, and asked me what I meant by not getting drunk anymore. He wanted to know if he was still allowed to drink. He was more concerned with if he could still drink, moreso than the fact that his marriage is falling apart. I don’t know whT to do, but we are not speaking to one another now, and he tells me if I leave him it will be the worst mistake of my life. He has slandered me to everyone we know telling them how crazy and unstable I am. I may be, but it’s because of he constant torment that I go through with him. I have sought counseling, seen doctors. They all tell me the same thing. To get out of the relationship. Please help me to understand all of this from a godly standpoint.
I am going through a very similar situation. I am trying so hard to keep my marriage together but I am so tired of this emotional roller coaster ride. I have kids and I worry about what they are seeing and learning from their father with his constant emotional and verbal abuse toward me. He was involved in a very serious accident after excessive drinking. I am so scared of making a mistake by leaving. I have ask him to leave but he wont. He just tells me I am a terrible wife. I read the Bible and keep trusting God for guidance but I am so tired.
Im going through the exact same thing except my husband for 4 yrs now refused to give me money or go out with our 5 kids and myself….i just recently closed the doors on him giving him cometely to God …God always provides just know that your are only crazy for putting up with him….we put more time looking through there things because we know there actions say a different thing then they are saying. IT HURTS BUT IT HURTS MORE TO STAY LIVING LIKE THAT. TRUST IN THE LORD ONLY GOD WILL DIRECT YOU IF YOU FEEL IT’S NOT RIGHT AND HE DISTURBS YOUR PATH TO THE LORD….GIVE HIM TO GOD .I WISH YOU THE BEST GOD BLESS BY THE WAY I KNOW EVERYTHING WILL TURN OUT FINE OPEN UP YOUR SPIRITUal ears
I think reading “Love Must be Tough” will help you wiyh the answers to those questions. Blessing to you two.
So my husband is an alcoholic. Two years ago he got a DUI. Last year he left and went to a party, and was beaten unconscious. He missed over a month of work. While he was out of work, he began texting one of his female customers. There were long phone calls, frequent visits to her office and very explicit text messages sent between one another. I found a picture of him, a very inappropriate picture in his deleted file in his phone. When I approached him, he literally tried to make me think I was crazy for over a week before he finally got really drunk and admitted that him and this girl had been sending photos back and forth. He said ” it was completely innocent, nothing ever happened”. But to me it did, he opened his heart and his lust for another woman, regardless of if there was actually sexual acts done in person. To me, that is still adultery. Now, his drinking has gone from bad to worse. Every bit of our debt is in my name because at 38 he does not have any credit. I am a godly woman and have prayed and prayed so many prayers. I finally put my foot down and told him this weekend that I was not going to tolerate his behavior anymore. He promised he understood, blah blah blah. Yesterday he called me, and asked me what I meant by not getting drunk anymore. He wanted to know if he was still allowed to drink. He was more concerned with if he could still drink, moreso than the fact that his marriage is falling apart. I don’t know whT to do, but we are not speaking to one another now, and he tells me if I leave him it will be the worst mistake of my life. He has slandered me to everyone we know telling them how crazy and unstable I am. I may be, but it’s because of he constant torment that I go through with him. I have sought counseling, seen doctors. They all tell me the same thing. To get out of the relationship. Please help me to understand all of this from a godly standpoint.