After an Affair, Adultery, Recover

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How to Recover After an Affair

 

Without a doubt, if a couple is going to stay together after an affair, they are going to take a trip down a very bumpy road. This is because adultery is the most grievous sin that one can commit against a marriage, and, unfortunately, the only group of people that truly understand its devastating effects are those on the receiving end.

All that being said, it should be noted that some couples, even after an affair, end up having a better relationship than they ever had before. Here are a few reasons:

 

Many Couples, After an Affair, Understand that you Can Not Just Let Life Happen

 

I often say that if having a great marriage was easy, then everybody would be doing it. Unfortunately, many seem to believe that having a successful marriage is just an overflow of all the feelings of love and passion that couples have for one another. Though feelings, passion, and hormones should be present in a marriage, if you just let life, and, consequently, your marriage happen, your marriage will get run over.

To have a successful marriage, you must carefully guard your time, schedules, priorities, mind, relationship with God, emotions, children, and thought-life. Mark it down. If you just let life happen, life will run you over.

 
after an affair
 

 Difficult Times can be a Tremendous Bonding Agent for Couples

 

Two pieces of gold are melted together by using intense amounts of fire and heat. The same can also be true with husbands and wives. In fact, when a couple takes a trip to “hell and back”, the fire and heat of that situation often causes them to have a bond and a mutual understanding that would be difficult to reproduce with any other individual.

 

Couples that have to Deal Directly with Adultery are Forced to Re-Establish their Priorities

 

Oftentimes, when adultery has occurred, there are a few reasons why adultery was an easier route for one of the participants in the marriage to take. One of the reasons is that either one or both of the parties involved had distorted priorities that were serving as leeches to the marriage. That is, before adultery, some work harder at protecting their material assets than their relationship with their spouse. Others put more time and effort into their hobbies and their weekend endeavors than their marriage. After an affair, many receive the wake-up call of their life and quickly put their relationship with their husband or their wife back in its proper place.

after an affair

Regardless of your situation, if you are going to recover after your spouse has been unfaithful, you are going to have to adopt a competitive attitude. That is, you are going to have to decide whether or not you are “in it to win it”.

One of the questions that you should ask yourself is this. “Am I going to let the person that violated my relationship with my partner defeat me, my life, and my children?” or “Am I going to let the person that committed this act to win this ‘double-header’ against me and my family?”.

You might say, “‘Double-header’. What’s that?”. Obviously, if a person has committed adultery with your husband or your wife, they won the first game, but if you allow this to destroy your relationship, finances, children, and, consequently, your life, there is a sense where you are allowing them to “win” the second and, by the way, the most important game of the series.

One of the best ways to start ensuring that you can “win” after unfaithfulness is to start replacing some of the bad ingredients that were previously in your relationship with good ingredients. Our marriage book, How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another, is designed to help you in that process.

Order our Christian Marriage Book
How to Fight for Your Marriage Without Fighting with One Another

 

  • Learn our 2-step Process to Solving Marriage Issues
  • Use for your next Bible study
  • A Biblical Yet Refreshing Approach

 

 

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Posted in Recovering After an Affair

7 comments on “After an Affair, Adultery, Recover
  1. Thank you for this article. I have struggled for a year now to put the hurt and condemnation to rest after my husbands affair. But I’ve more recently also recommit ed our marriage to God. He can do more with it than I can, and I’m tired of allowing the pain to consume me.

  2. Marla says:

    Lorraine, I understand most of what you shared!!! I thought we were the only ones who struggle with this issue. Except I’m the one who was leaving and was with someone else. You took the words right out of my head. I’m so tired of this storm and I would like to think we are almost out of it but the waves crash once in awhile. It’s been over half a year since we really committed to each other but over a year since I drifted. It was like I became a different person. Ready to walk away from my husband and six kids. Thinking I was tired of the race that I wanted to be alone. We haven’t done counseling yet. We quit going to church. We want to heal on our own and not be social. I will pray for you and your husband and for all the marriages out there. Never have I ever thought that this struggle is so painfully real. Evil is out there and wanting to destroy us all. May we have the strength to keeping fighting for our families.

  3. Katherine says:

    This is a good article but I want to encourage any betrayed spouse who feels like the burden has been put on them to make the marriage better, thereby making the unfaithful spouse happy enough not to cheat. Sometimes our spouse brings behaviors and habits into a marriage that has nothing to do with us. My husband was addicted to porn when he married me, and as a consequence, has also had affairs. I thought we were happily married for years. We are now in therapy for his sex addiction. The betrayed spouse is not always able to change in ways to make the betrayer happy. Sometimes, the problem isn’t these issues listed in this article, but instead the issue is bondage to sin.

  4. Lorraine Simon says:

    No, it’s not naïve to think that way. Please go to a Christian counselor. It will really help if you both put your total effort into it. My husband and I are better than ever now. This article was simply confirmation for me. God bless you and I’m praying for your strength!

  5. heartbroken says:

    We have been married for 23 years. My husband is the person who brought me to saving faith in Christ. We married in the church and have been faithful church attenders, have a Christian circle or friends and served in our church until a year ago. We have always gotten along great and I have rarely felt unhappy. The past 2-3 years have been rather sexless due to our poor physical condition and weight gain and we rarely make time for each other because we are always busy. Everything is a grind. He is always grumpy and mad about work and I am always exhausted from our older kids who require extensive care in scheduling and transportation. We eat out all the time and get fatter and fatter.
    We have absolutely no problems with our kids in that they are respectful, wonderful young men who are funny and fun to be around. They don’t really socialize much- we are our own little world, the four of us. When the oldest was a senior, I really started to panic about my baby leaving home and would get weepy at the drop of a hat. When he went away to school, far away, my youngest decided it was time for him to shine, and got really involved in school. All of this kept me from home till late in the evening. After a year away at school, my oldest came home unsuccessful and started at the local college. My husband was angry because he said he did not support his leaving, and my son’s lack of success really depressed us.
    Shortly after, in September 2014, my husband’s grandmother who always cared for him as a child and he was closest to, like a mother, passed away. He was devastated. I didn’t know how to help him, and he didn’t want to talk about it. He kind of pushed me away. I just kept on with the kids. He probably felt very lonely and angry with me over not being more loving. Anyway, in May 2015, I asked him why he was being so distant, and he said he didn’t love me anymore. I was broken. I took it as advisement and he seemed to be trying to love me, but I still kept this focus on my kids, and got more and more worn down. He was on his phone all of the time. He became impotent. He was depressed. In July 2015, he was hit by an 18 wheeler and miraculously did not die. He slept on the floor for months because his back hurt so much. October I went to see my sister for a short vacation and he had a kidney stone attack that made him have to stay in the hospital. Thanksgiving 2015 he finally started sleeping in bed with me again after my pleas. I thought perhaps he was depressed, and he started trying antidepressant meds but stopped them after two weeks. He acted happier and seemed to be turning a corner. The holidays were pretty good and he was very generous at Christmas. Then, late January, we were watching tv that night and he was falling asleep. His expensive phone looked like it was going to slip from his hands, so I went to get it. He had been texting a woman (a name of no woman I know as the contact) and his text to her said, “I sooo want to be with you.” I woke him up and I walked out of the room to my room and sat stunned. Absolutely stunned. He knew I knew. He sat on the bed and I asked who she was, and he said she lives on the other side of the country, he met her commenting on an news article, that he was in love with her and that he was trying to think of how to ask for a divorce. He had been talking to her for almost 2 years (but I found that out later).
    I tried to keep it together, and for some reason, God had me respond in a way I never thought I would. I told him that we all are imperfect, and that I was going to fight for him. Satan has a hold on his heart and mind, and we made a commitment to God and to each other, and that I was not going to back down. He didn’t yell or anything. It was weird. He told me he didn’t want me to live in pain and that he wanted me to have better. I told him that all of this work to make the boys the best young men they can be and leaving now at the most pivotal part of their lives would be the biggest mistake he ever made! It turns out that she came to a nearby town for work when I was gone in October (pre-planned to take advantage of this), and she came and stayed with him at the hospital (he told me not to come back from my trip). I had the sense to gather him close and we prayed together, and went to sleep, and I was clinging to him instead of my usual turning away from him. It was just the worst night of my life. I could hardly sleep I was so upset and angry and shaking and nauseous.
    So then, the next day, I went to work. I looked awful, was shivering and just nauseous. I went home at the half day and then decided I was going to change. I was not going to let this woman have my husband. I screamed and cried and ordered Satan out of my home, my marriage and my life. I have gained quite a bit of weight in my misery, and quit wearing makeup or doing my hair or wearing cute clothes, so I slept a little and got ready for the battle that night. I was leaving the next day for a trip with work. Lo and behold, my husband comes and sits with me on the couch, no phone, and we watched tv together all night. We talked very little but I did ask if he would be willing to try to work it out, and he mumbled a non-committal yeah. He took me to the airport and hugged me goodbye. I got on the plane with my friend and she and I went on the trip. While on the trip, one night I hinted at having trouble and how it was really making it hard for me to have fun, but I didn’t give details. It turned out that she had also had similar trouble in her marriage, and she shared all about it. It was so cathartic, and her situation was much worse because the woman worked with her husband, but it was like God was there saying I was not alone, and this is how someone else handled it.
    When I returned from the trip, I told him that if we were going to make it work, he would need to commit to trying and to sever all ties with her- Facebook, email, texting, everything. He said he still had strong feelings for her, but that he would try. I could not believe that the sweetest person I have ever known could do this to me, to God, to us and to the kids. I went to get my son from school, then I fixed my makeup, got home, and kissed my husband when he came in from the gym. We don’t do that anymore. I made dinner, a great fresh and new recipe. Also something we don’t do anymore. And after dinner, he did not use his phone. Instead, he sat with me on the couch, and rubbed my feet (something he has done for years) and I rubbed his, something I never do. We held hands, something we never do. When we went to bed, we prayed together and I cuddled with him. It was hard to sleep, because all I could see was him with this woman, and I was so angry it made me sick.
    Yesterday, I got up earlier than usual and we prayed together and we went to work. All day I was trying to cobble together the best Christian and some secular advice I could find. Some of the things were ridiculous, and some said doing the wrong things would spell certain disaster if I wasn’t careful. I called the Christian counseling that we had signed up for and still no spots. Some things said to say to forbid him speaking with her and some say to let him keep on so he can break it off. It was just confusing. I just made the choice to love him no matter what and try to be God’s love for him.
    Fast forward 6 weeks- I finally feel less threatened. Hopefully he feels more loved and believes that God has changed me. I have lost 25 pounds and he just signed on to start losing weight too since he sees how good I feel. I do more around the house, try to cook home more often, and try to do at least 5 kind/sweet things for him daily. I have made the habit of coming home earlier. We are still sitting together, holding hands, going on dates, sleeping close…. I asked a few weeks ago if he was still talking to her and he said no. I don’t really believe him, based on how angry he looked when he said that; I am so jealous and having horrible trust issues, but they are getting a little better. I feel happier than ever because he is actually spending time with me, what I wanted all of my life. We have fun together. But it is so stinking quiet. He doesn’t say much. Day by day, I see him smile more, laugh more…. What really bothers me is how he is not addressing it. It’s like it just happened and now let’s move on. I don’t know how to handle that. It is kind of what I want to do too, but then I feel like if he doesn’t talk about it more with me that I will always have it in the back of my mind. I don’t really feel like he is sorry. I’m sure he is but he hasn’t really taken responsibility and at first made it out to be that if I had been doing what I was supposed to as a wife, he wouldn’t have been put in this position, which is bull. I just want him to apologize. I know he is trying to apologize with his actions. Right now I feel like he is “doing the right thing” by staying with me, which hurts so much, but then I am also “doing the right thing” by not freaking out, being the best wife I know how to be, and loving/serving him without thought of return favors. I know he was operating out of a place of ambivalence, but with his feelings for her and his impotence, he says he is just not in love with me anymore. I think that his pouring himself into the other person for two years is what is making those feelings that way. On a daily basis, he will tell me he loves me when I say it first. We have also made a habit of praying before bed and before we leave in the morning, and he will often pray thanks for me or for our hearts to be healed or bound together. More than anything, I feel he is distant from God and doesn’t know how to get back to Him. He is suffering the consequences of his actions right now, just as he has this whole time. If God had sanctioned his affair, he wouldn’t have had to hide it. I pray every night over his head and his heart for God to fill them with His love so that the ugliness will be pushed out of the cracks.
    Should we go to counseling? I just don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what to say. I feel frozen by fear. We are going to a Gary Chapman marriage conference in a week. I feel like if I can just keep loving him, and he can reconnect with God, we will be okay. Is that naieve to think?

    • Steven says:

      I am that man. I can relate to your husband.
      He wants to be right with God he wants to be in love with you…but he gave his heart to her.
      Now listen!!!! Do not give up…do not give in!!!!
      You are fighting the good fight lose the wieght, get healthy always wear cute clothes and always wear make up ALWAYS.
      You are fighting a lie and a fantasy that was developed over years so it will take time.
      God is working on him and since he is there that is a plus.
      Please watch “war room”.
      I will pray for you…
      pray for me to love my ex yes ex…as she fights for us.

      • Brenda says:

        This article is great!!!!! Thank you for allowing me to read it. I do not know how this got in my email but Thank You Jesus!!!! Thank You!!!

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  • A Biblical Yet Refreshing Approach

 

 

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